A Conjurin' Summer In

Beltane, a time to celebrate conception and look ahead while letting go of things no longer needed.

I had a great time at the Beltane celebration this Sunday. I got to meet a couple of new people who were wonderful, everyone I've met so far in this group is so nice and welcoming. In my experience that is very rare. I'm more at ease during these Esbats & Sabbats than I've been in any kind of gathering I can think of.

The ritual had an air of frivolity to it, the songs were really interesting and I tried to sing along even though I had no idea what the tune was....yikes! Rest assured I was singing very quietly.
We made fairy wands with ribbons which we wrote wishes for the new year on, I have yet to put mine outside for the fairies to find. It was a lot of fun and a nice, long, joyous occasion. The fact that there were a few snowflakes falling from the sky as we were 'a conjurin' summer in' didn't dampen our spirits too much though it didn't escape notice!

Afterward I was able to stay as long as I wanted and was wanted. Last time, during the full moon Esbat I had to leave early and was bummed. Everyone enjoyed the cheesecake & strawberry puree I brought (white & red.) I was able to talk more with our High Priestess and some of the others who I had previously not had the opportunity. I found the similarities within our paths very telling indeed. All who spoke of their journey to Wicca & Witchcraft had parallel experiences to my own. Much wandering from one religion to another seeking a home.

Our High Priestess is a truly amazing woman. She has a long history of teaching witchcraft in our community (12 years!!!!) and dedicates an amazing amount of her time to the craft, her coven, her students and the community at large. I am very inspired by her, she told me she didn't start seriously studying Witchcraft until she was in her 30's as well. She has the most kind, smiling eyes. She really does illustrate what I see as a face of the Goddess. Joy and bounty, kindness and knowledge seem to radiate from her. I feel very blessed to know her.

Really I feel that way about everyone I've met within the coven. They are all very special people and I'm looking forward to knowing them. It occurs to me that they must already know a great deal about me, I believe they have done my astrological chart and being as they are all witches they have a way with intuition and energy reading that tells them things about people, it's scary but.....interesting knowing that there is no hiding. Definitely prompts me to be more real, more careful about what I say, truthful.

Previous to the Beltane celebration I had been listening to an old podcast from iTunes titled 'The Witching Hour' by Stacey Simmons the episode is 'The Wheel of the Year- Beltane.' I enjoy her podcast quite a bit, she is very insightful and thoughtful in her delivery, it's been a wonderful introduction for me.

There were a number of things she mentioned that struck me as interesting and pause for thought;
Life is not the opposite of death, conception is the opposite of death. Life is what is in the middle. Makes absolute sense when one thinks about it, but till then if someone had asked me what the opposite of death is I would have said life.

The Maypole's ribbon pattern symbolizes the connectedness of life.

Popular Beltane foods were red & white. The red represents the female, the white represents the male. A popular thing to bring to a celebration was a white cake and red wine.

There were other things as well but I'll spare you my whole journey as I really am just finding out about it for the first time.

The first time I attended an Esbat was the new moon and we were given the opportunity to write down things that we wanted to invite into our lives and then offer them to Fire to be carried to the Divine. I felt the power in this practice, I took it very seriously and I feel that I have been granted some of those things that I asked for.

We performed that same ceremony at Beltane and were able to write things that we wished to be rid of and adversely things we wanted to invite into our lives. I love this and was glad to do it, I wrote on more pieces of paper than anyone else I think but why not shoot for the stars right?

Overall it was a nice time, I am really realizing how very very far I have to go to ready myself for witchcraft. It is very difficult for me to ground and center my energy during ritual and also I feel I am not going through the proper channels within myself to commune with the Divine. I'm expecting results although I've not taken all the proper steps.

I've been working through one of my 'text books' for class and she talks in there about communicating with your 'younger self' and building power and I know I have not a clue as to how to do this just yet. At first I was really bummed out that I wouldn't be able to begin dedicant classes immediately following my seeker classes but now I see that I have a lot of inner work to accomplish before I am ready to take on all of the other work. There is so much to learn, many lifetimes it would take me to comprehend all of this knowledge.

I stayed home from work today to finish my reading & question sheets and get it all typed up for class tonight. I feel bad for letting my employers down, it was a very difficult decision and I hope I didn't cause them too much strife. Tonight is our last class as seekers and then I will begin working on my own, on myself, while occasionally attending pre-dedicate classes.

Miles to go yet I've put my feet on the path.

My spiritual life Part One

All of my life I have been on a spiritual quest.

Starting from a very young age I began shopping churches. I've gone to more than a hand full of different churches, researched more than a few different religions/spiritual disciplines. Each and every one of them had some small nugget of truth to offer me but in the end I never felt like they fit. After years and years of searching I came to the conclusion that I could never belong to an organized religion/spiritual discipline, it just wasn't me.

I have taken those pieces of truth over the years and crafted them into my own spirituality, a patchwork quilt of divine truth. From Buddhism I took meditation, reincarnation, the wheel of karma and the art of Zen. From Christianity I took a love, respect and admiration for the teachings of Jesus as well as a child-like adoration of Mary. From Hinduism I took polytheism and the desire to "know" God. Of course there are other nuances that I absorbed as well but these are the biggies.

And yet, I never felt fulfilled. I never felt like I had gathered all of the pieces. I never felt comfortable. My spiritual hunger was driven by what I had always felt was my fatal flaw.

Ever since I was a very very young child I have felt split. Half of me was "good" and half of me was "bad" (by Christian standards.) This feeling of extreme dichotomy is present in some of my earliest poetry and journal writings going back as far as 4Th grade elementary school. I struggled to be "good" enough, "pure" enough but always felt I fell short by what were aspects of my essential personality. By essential personality I mean parts of myself that could/can never be killed off. To deny them would be a lie, something I never could reconcile within myself.
(To clarify, when I talk about "bad" parts of myself I am not speaking of anything extreme, and what I know now is that my "bad" self was actually my shadow self, more on that later.)

I never knew anyone who was a Wiccan. At least no one who was vocal about it. Growing up in a small town I never even saw books on Wicca at the bookstores, I had no idea what it was. Or what it wasn't more importantly. In so many ways I wish I would have known about it as a teenager. All that angst, guilt, the questions, the blind sadness.

As an adult I came across a piece of spiritual literature that suggested that there is no "good" and there is no "bad" there is only light and dark and all the shades of grey inbetween. There is no light without darkness. This concept made a massive difference to me in my concept of self and after reading into it more and taking some time to digest the principle I accepted it as a personal truth.

Now I understood myself in different terms, it was an awakening.

I was finally ready to know my true self.

Full Moon Fever

Tomorrow night I will be attending my second ritual ever and my first with the coven that has been hosting my seeker classes.

I am so excited, nervous, and....proud? I suppose I do feel a sense of pride in myself that I am taking these steps because I am so nervous and have been so secluded for these last few years. It takes a lot of courage for someone (certainly myself) to break out of their mold and venture forth into adventure and uncertainty and yeah, I am damn proud of myself.
Another layer of trepidation is the added paranoia that this is a door that I am opening to my spiritual self. I've not quite learned how to ground and shield myself though I do work on it. Having had a very surreal and unpleasant experience once before with dark energies I'm certainly wary.

We were given a hand out in one of our classes and it spoke volumes to me, I would like to share part of it:

"It is easier to be celibate than fully alive sexually. It is easier to withdraw from the world than to live in it; easier to be a hermit than to raise a child; easier to repress emotions than to feel them and express them; easier to meditate in solitude than to communicate in a group; easier to submit to another's authority than place trust in oneself." -Author Unknown

There is so much truth in this paragraph, it really strikes me on all levels. For so very long I had unconsciously adopted these attitudes. I thought that they kept me separate, safe and comfortable. Yet what they were ultimately doing was holding me back from the real human experience and dulling my soul.

No longer.

I am now actively crafting a life that will save me and will replenish my heart, my creativity, my sexuality, my spiritual self and destroy the evil EGO. I feel like every experience in my life has led me to this place. I can't help but wish I'd begun earlier though....but regret is a wasted emotion.

After the full moon esbat ritual there is a potluck dinner and that is what's really got me all a twitter. Frequently in social situations where I am not bringing a friend along I'm reduced to the emotional state of a kid on the first day of school. I'm sure it is the same or worse for most everyone but (luckily) all I have to deal with is myself.

Hopefully my cupcakes win the hearts and stomachs of my fellow witches. Pick me! Pick me! Let me join your club! Yikes. I've got to get a hold of myself.

I'm going to go swimming, clear my head and get on the road to my wedding body. (I say swimming but I suspect to others it looks more like drowning such are my aquatic skillz.)

Movin' On Up

Well, we're in our new place finally! This was the most hellish move ever and I can't express how glad I am that it is over! We are both really excited about this new stage in our lives, things are moving in a very positive direction and it's amazing!

Promise I'll write more soon!