Forgive the cheesy title.
Cheesy. Yummmm.
I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:
Lose at least 50 lbs.
Start working out at least 5 days a week.
Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.
Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.
Work on my fiction book I am writing.
Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.
Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.
Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.
I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."
Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"
I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.
It's hard.
photo source unknown
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Wading through it
Life is so confusing and difficult.
It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.
These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.
I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.
The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.
I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!
I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"
It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.
These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.
I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.
The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.
I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!
I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"
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