Shadow time

During the full moon esbat on Saturday night we were called to reflect upon our shadow selves. 'Tis the season for self reflection!

I know for some this can be a hugely difficult task, for myself, I've been communing with my shadow self since I was a child. While I've always known her and acknowledged her I have only recently come to understand and accept her role in my life and my spiritual advancement. I never had a context to put this shadow self into, never known why she existed or appreciated how knowing her has helped me to be self aware. Growing up I thought there was something wrong with me, this darker self, this shadow aspect seemed 'bad' in the Christian context. I fought her thinking that if I could kill off the darker aspects of myself than I would be enlightened, without blemish, clean & pure.

Thanks again Christianity.

Now that I understand what function my shadow self serves I am able to trust & accept her and integrate the knowledge that she offers more readily. There is duality in all aspects of nature, if we could but appreciate that there is no light without darkness I think we would all be a little more compassionate towards ourselves and the world as a whole.

Listening and learning, what a concept huh? I'm getting it, bit by bit.

In other news, I made it in to the local herbatorium (my term, I like the way it sounds...) and purchased some herbs for a gift I am making my new niece. I am sewing her a decorative pillow for her crib, it's in the shape of a star and will contain red roses, lavender, clove & frankincense in a satchel tucked in the middle. I plan on blessing the herbs and sealing them with a prayer for her health, happiness & protection. This is the first time I've done anything like this so I hope it goes well, we'll see!

Can you feel it in the air at night?

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
George Eliot

Wise words Mr. Eliot, I would have to agree.

Though it is still very hot & humid here I have noticed that the nights are a little cooler. Really what has got me excited is that August is half over and I just know that we are getting closer and closer to Autumn. I have to say I was taken by surprise when I realized that summer is nearly over.

This particular summer has sped by, especially compared to last summer which I thought would never go away. We haven't had nearly as many days of scorching hotness as we did last summer also which is a big bonus. When I look back on last summer I am really able to feel that we are in a better place. Better location wise, employment wise, mentally, artistically, motivationally, spiritually, it's all on the up up and away train.

I never really realized what the Autumn season signals to others, I never thought of it as being a beacon to my (previously undiscovered Witch family) all the world over. With the recent turning towards Autumn I have come across a couple of testimonials to the connection between Autumn and Witches. The following text is written by Victoria David Danann for Seasons in Avalon School of Witch Arts. The excerpt pertains to what I speak of, the rest of the essay is extremely important and should be read in it's entirety at: http://witch-school.com/CallToHealing.html

"Sometime in my early thirties, to the best of my recollection, I glanced out the window and did a double-take as I felt a surge of inexplicable delight. Something had changed in a way I perceived as "overnight". The shadows were cast differently somehow. The sunlight seemed softer, as if a filter had been installed between Earth and Sun. Even the dance of the tree leaves had changed.

I began to look forward to that one day every year -- the day when I would casually glance out a window and feel a rush that said, "Fall!" I always knew I loved Fall. I didn't always know that it's partly because of my calling and predisposition as Witch. Fall marks the beginning of what I call Magick Season; the time, between Samhain and Yule, when Witchcraft renders the greatest satisfaction and the greatest rewards."

It's funny, as I was writing my lovely friend Giggly all about how much I love this time of the year I received a letter from her in turn saying the very same things.

I am in such a happy place right now, even though money continues to be an issue and there are always oh so many things to do I can't help but feel positive and excited for the future. Such a welcome change.

As the days & nights grow cooler I feel more alive, more myself, exhilarated, ready


"The hazy, cloudless skies of Indian Summer.
Leaves scurrying down the street before the wind.
The cold shiver from an arctic blast. Indian Summer.
The last warmth of the sun.
Chilly mornings and glorious warm afternoons. The Harvest Moon. The Hunter's Moon.
Dry corn stalks clattering in the wind.
The touch of frost on grass and window pane.
The smell of burning leaves."

Keith C. Heidorn

A new day

Well, though I may have fallen off the wagon.....BIG TIME....I am not quitting like I have in the past. I have launched many many health campaigns in my time and not followed through on any of them. I haven't gotten as far as I have this time before either. It looks as though my schedule is going to be stable now and is far more conducive to working out and eating healthy than practically any before. I don't have to be to work until after noon so there is plenty time to get to the gym and get a work out & shower in plus a healthy breakfast & lunch before I head to work.

I have to commit now because I bought shoes! I finally splurged and bought myself some really nice athletic shoes. I used a coupon but still they were more than I like to spend on such things. I'm not a tennis shoe wearin' kind of gal in my day to day existence so while I need actual everyday shoes I was hesitant to go with the athletic shoes instead.

I have a pitiful shoe collection as far as most women are concerned. Most of my shoes are for special activities, I have hiking boots, steel toe work boots, insulated steel toe work boots, Doc Marten pole climbers (boots that go up to my knees), two pairs of shoes that have holes in them with cracked soles, two old pairs of Doc Marten boots that I wore for over ten years and are retired but I can't bring myself to throw out, three pairs of platforms that are my only dress shoes, a pair of Adidas tennis shoes and that's it. Pretty pitiful. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit though so I usually get discouraged, it's akin to bra or swimming suit shopping for me. How did I get on the subject of my shoe collection? Bah, I'm rambling....

Anyway, I'm going to start going to the gym again dammit. I've now got less than a year before my wedding, time is ticking. Speaking of which can you believe it's August already? All of the back to school ads have been throwing me. Is fall really right around the corner? Wow.

Hey, where did everybody go?

I miss having friends.

This is a slightly hypocritical remark on my part due to the fact that I find myself too busy or rather....preoccupied most of the time to put in the work to maintain an active friendship with anyone around here. It takes a lot for me to take a relationship from casual acquaintance to close friend, to someone who I feel comfortable calling up to go to the movies, have a drink or come over for a chat.

I'm guilty of not feeling up to the challenge of going through the paces with someone new. I want instant close friends, like the washcloths that are shrunk down in cute shapes and expand into sponges or washcloths when dropped in water.

I haven't really had much luck meeting people living here the last few years, in the past when I would be alone for the whole summer I would get brave and hunt for friends. This led me to craigslist.

Yeah, that's right.

I made friend dates with people off of the casual acquaintance section of craigslist. It made for some fun, wild, weird stories but ultimately didn't lead to any long term acquaintances. I don't regret a single one of them, well....except for one guy who was....strange. He looked like an adult size leprechaun but add scary sharp teeth...he was very needy & self obsessed. He seemed to have a whirlwind of drama about him at all times. He would have liked to be bosom buddies but I don't do drama. Especially when I'm just getting to know someone and all they want to talk about ALL THE TIME is their conversations with other people whom I don't know. If you can't take a pause and ask me a question....any question...or involve me in the conversation on any level then I'm out.

This weekend I would have liked to have had a friend. A real true friend. I felt like going out and having some fun for a change of pace, normally I'm not much for going out really. I was really wanting to go out and have a few drinks, wander around down town....something. I called everyone I knew, even those who I don't much care for....no one answered or was able to go out.

Boo hoo.

It was Llamas this Saturday but I didn't go. I've been feeling a little out of sorts about the coven and wanted to make a little space between us. I won't spell out the drama but suffice to say I don't think they are the group for me. I believe I have found an alternate coven to do my year & a day studies with, hopefully that works out.

Well, my man gets home tomorrow and I'm ready. At first it wasn't so bad but now that I've got a case of the lonelies it'll be nice to have him back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?