Alright, things are looking up today, just as I suspected they might.
A girl I work with has said that she could use a work out partner and now that I opened my mind to shifting my schedule around and rethinking some things I've realized it can work. I'll have to work out after work which is difficult as I'm sure everyone can sympathize, after a long day it's nice to just go home and chill but I can't seem to get my ass out of bed to get to the gym anywho so I'll give it a try with her after work.
And I got a very very cool email back from my favorite witch to work with her concerning my year & a day training. She has offered to construct a coven with just the two of us! I couldn't be happier! It means that I will have to stay up late and work out then rush home, get to bed right away and get up early to go meet with her to do our studies then rush home to get to work on time. Sounds hectic and I'm sure it will be but I guess that's life!
Whew! I'm going to have to get soooo organized with my time.....
I've got to give up thanks though, I asked and the Universe responded. Two very cool people have stepped in to help me realize my goals.
Kind of a warm & fuzzy feeling huh?
Yeah, it's warm & fuzzy alright.
Thank you.
photo source unknown
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Give me back my lion's heart
I feel like I should write myself out of this funk I'm in.
Problem is, there are so many things going on I don't really know where to begin, how best to articulate and if it is the proper forum to air this laundry on the web and of course, does anyone (besides me obviously) give a damn?
Well, at any rate, I'm going to give it a go and see if it does indeed make me feel better or bring me some clarity.
At the very least I know my girl Giggly reads this and that's good enough for me.
Ok, it all began first thing this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm going to (finally) begin getting up early and meditating & working out. I even went to bed extra early last night to facilitate this.
Alarm goes off.
Snooze.
For an hour.
I finally get up and lump about until my meeting for my 'free personal assessment' with a trainer at the new gym I joined.
I don't know what I was expecting but essentially what I got is:
You are out of shape.
You are over weight.
You can meet these goals but you're going to have to work your ass off.
You are going to have to pay a ton of money for a personal trainer, more than is reasonable and/or affordable so forget it.
The 'fitness group' that you wanted to join is less expensive than the personal trainer you wanted but is still outrageous and even though you decided to pony up for it, it isn't available outside of your work schedule so forget it.
Oh, and in order to get a workout plan put together for you we're going to need you to cough up $350.00 for a heart rate monitor, a cardio endurance test that will tell us what your target heart rate is and then we'll come up with a plan for your workouts.
Bullshit.
I can't believe the cost after cost after cost.
So I left feeling very dejected and discouraged.
Then at work, I start thinking about how the Wiccan group I was hoping to dedicate with told me to hit the bricks.
It still stings. Again, dejected and rejected.
It breaks my heart that I finally for the firstest time ever find a group of people who are on the same path, that feel like a real community of like minds and BAM! the door is shut.
"No, you walk this path alone." (that's what I hear)
Yet, I do feel like it is good to be humbled and so I emailed the one person I felt I connected to the most and asked her for some help putting my own year & a day training course together. I also asked if I could still come to esbats from time to time. I told her that I was hurt and confused by the way in which the door was closed not only to study but seemingly to the community as well (mainly due to the fact that I haven't heard from anyone at all once since it was known that I wasn't dedicating with either group)
It's my truth and I had to say it, it made me feel silly and small and weak but I said it. At the time when confronted with the decision not to dedicate me I played it cool and made my best effort not to show I had been affected. This is what I do, I play it cool and brush off the most insane shit people throw at me. This in particular wasn't an 'insane shit' instance but the others make me cringe to think about.
What next you ask?
Someone who was previously a good friend just had a baby today.
Why is that a total bummer?
Well, she basically stopped talking to me for a (then) mysterious reason nearly 10 months ago.
I talked to her, likely, a total of maybe 8 times during those months. During one of those calls she decides to tell me she's 6 months pregnant. Drama, drama, drama, I won't go into how fucked up that all ended up being but after she told me that she stopped talking to me again totally. I'd call all the time and she wouldn't answer my calls, email, myspace, nothing. Nada. Zip.
So today she calls and tells me she's had the baby and then just goes on talking like nothing weird ever happened. Like I'd just talked to her yesterday.
Oh, and turns out she wasn't 6 months pregnant, she was 8.
Her new friends threw her a baby shower a week ago. It was fabulous, they gave her a ton of gifts.
Neat.
No idea why she decided to keep all of her friends & family in the dark about this baby but her new work friends have known all along.
She didn't even tell her mom, a friend of ours told her about a month ago. A month before the baby was born. I have been struggling with the rejection she doled out, hoped I'd get to talk to her at least once more about the baby and some of the potentially dangerous mistakes she was making (she didn't go to the doctor ONE time before going in to have him) before the baby came but no luck. So, I had to play it cool and pretend I wasn't upset, just chat as if everything was cool. What, I'm going to pick a fight with a BRAND new mom? Right. Plus, I was blindsided. Shocked. Just like when she first told me about the baby.
Today, my heart was made out of glass.
I'll have my lion heart back tomorrow though.
I just know it.
I feel like there is a sticky, goopy tornado whirling around inside of my chest & stomach.
What a day.
Problem is, there are so many things going on I don't really know where to begin, how best to articulate and if it is the proper forum to air this laundry on the web and of course, does anyone (besides me obviously) give a damn?
Well, at any rate, I'm going to give it a go and see if it does indeed make me feel better or bring me some clarity.
At the very least I know my girl Giggly reads this and that's good enough for me.
Ok, it all began first thing this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm going to (finally) begin getting up early and meditating & working out. I even went to bed extra early last night to facilitate this.
Alarm goes off.
Snooze.
For an hour.
I finally get up and lump about until my meeting for my 'free personal assessment' with a trainer at the new gym I joined.
I don't know what I was expecting but essentially what I got is:
You are out of shape.
You are over weight.
You can meet these goals but you're going to have to work your ass off.
You are going to have to pay a ton of money for a personal trainer, more than is reasonable and/or affordable so forget it.
The 'fitness group' that you wanted to join is less expensive than the personal trainer you wanted but is still outrageous and even though you decided to pony up for it, it isn't available outside of your work schedule so forget it.
Oh, and in order to get a workout plan put together for you we're going to need you to cough up $350.00 for a heart rate monitor, a cardio endurance test that will tell us what your target heart rate is and then we'll come up with a plan for your workouts.
Bullshit.
I can't believe the cost after cost after cost.
So I left feeling very dejected and discouraged.
Then at work, I start thinking about how the Wiccan group I was hoping to dedicate with told me to hit the bricks.
It still stings. Again, dejected and rejected.
It breaks my heart that I finally for the firstest time ever find a group of people who are on the same path, that feel like a real community of like minds and BAM! the door is shut.
"No, you walk this path alone." (that's what I hear)
Yet, I do feel like it is good to be humbled and so I emailed the one person I felt I connected to the most and asked her for some help putting my own year & a day training course together. I also asked if I could still come to esbats from time to time. I told her that I was hurt and confused by the way in which the door was closed not only to study but seemingly to the community as well (mainly due to the fact that I haven't heard from anyone at all once since it was known that I wasn't dedicating with either group)
It's my truth and I had to say it, it made me feel silly and small and weak but I said it. At the time when confronted with the decision not to dedicate me I played it cool and made my best effort not to show I had been affected. This is what I do, I play it cool and brush off the most insane shit people throw at me. This in particular wasn't an 'insane shit' instance but the others make me cringe to think about.
What next you ask?
Someone who was previously a good friend just had a baby today.
Why is that a total bummer?
Well, she basically stopped talking to me for a (then) mysterious reason nearly 10 months ago.
I talked to her, likely, a total of maybe 8 times during those months. During one of those calls she decides to tell me she's 6 months pregnant. Drama, drama, drama, I won't go into how fucked up that all ended up being but after she told me that she stopped talking to me again totally. I'd call all the time and she wouldn't answer my calls, email, myspace, nothing. Nada. Zip.
So today she calls and tells me she's had the baby and then just goes on talking like nothing weird ever happened. Like I'd just talked to her yesterday.
Oh, and turns out she wasn't 6 months pregnant, she was 8.
Her new friends threw her a baby shower a week ago. It was fabulous, they gave her a ton of gifts.
Neat.
No idea why she decided to keep all of her friends & family in the dark about this baby but her new work friends have known all along.
She didn't even tell her mom, a friend of ours told her about a month ago. A month before the baby was born. I have been struggling with the rejection she doled out, hoped I'd get to talk to her at least once more about the baby and some of the potentially dangerous mistakes she was making (she didn't go to the doctor ONE time before going in to have him) before the baby came but no luck. So, I had to play it cool and pretend I wasn't upset, just chat as if everything was cool. What, I'm going to pick a fight with a BRAND new mom? Right. Plus, I was blindsided. Shocked. Just like when she first told me about the baby.
Today, my heart was made out of glass.
I'll have my lion heart back tomorrow though.
I just know it.
I feel like there is a sticky, goopy tornado whirling around inside of my chest & stomach.
What a day.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
As the wheel turns
Ok, admittedly it didn't take me long to get over it all.
About 3 hours.
I can see the wisdom in this turn of events.
I'm back on my feet and planning a dedicancy ritual of my very own for Samhain.
My year and a day training starts Nov. 1st.
I can see that the Lord & the Lady have seen fit to show me, again, in another way that anything worth having in this life is worth working for. There are no easy answers. It's easy enough to lurch along with classes while under pressure to perform. I squeeked by exceedingly well my whole life. I did during my Seeker classes too. Sometimes I wouldn't do any of the homework until the day/night before.
Depth of understanding & enlightenment won't come that way. I'm going to have to conquer my greatest foe in order to become a real Witch.
My lack of discipline.
There is a reason for everything. A lesson.
To use a phrase the youngsters are all wild about, I got served today.
Even more, my year and a day training will correspond with my impending weight loss/ work out training.
There is a voice speaking to me in the back of my mind, my own little Jiminy Cricket. It says in a tone of voice that I don't much care for "you can run but you can't hide." I've got to get motivated and save myself.
Mission Statement:
To actively work to save myself from a life of boredom, complacency, bad health and over all lack of spiritual fulfillment.
whew. I got myself all excited.
About 3 hours.
I can see the wisdom in this turn of events.
I'm back on my feet and planning a dedicancy ritual of my very own for Samhain.
My year and a day training starts Nov. 1st.
I can see that the Lord & the Lady have seen fit to show me, again, in another way that anything worth having in this life is worth working for. There are no easy answers. It's easy enough to lurch along with classes while under pressure to perform. I squeeked by exceedingly well my whole life. I did during my Seeker classes too. Sometimes I wouldn't do any of the homework until the day/night before.
Depth of understanding & enlightenment won't come that way. I'm going to have to conquer my greatest foe in order to become a real Witch.
My lack of discipline.
There is a reason for everything. A lesson.
To use a phrase the youngsters are all wild about, I got served today.
Even more, my year and a day training will correspond with my impending weight loss/ work out training.
There is a voice speaking to me in the back of my mind, my own little Jiminy Cricket. It says in a tone of voice that I don't much care for "you can run but you can't hide." I've got to get motivated and save myself.
Mission Statement:
To actively work to save myself from a life of boredom, complacency, bad health and over all lack of spiritual fulfillment.
whew. I got myself all excited.
Solitare
So, I guess I am a Solitary Witch.
I don't really know how I feel about this just yet so I hope this doesn't come across as too pitiful, I'm sure it's as intended, but I feel bummed all the same.
I got the word today that the group I had been petitioning dedicancy to has said that they will not be accepting me for initiation.
Sigh.
The only issue they mentioned is scheduling. I work till late at night and they were wanting to meet during the week. I don't know if there is more to it than that, if there is I guess I don't want to know. All of this leads me to wonder if I totally screwed up by not leaving the door open to study with the first group I began my seeker classes with. But, I guess it's too late for that. I told them on Friday that I would not be seeking dedicancy with them. Really tho I had already figured out that it wouldn't quite work out for me to study with them.
And now I'm left where I was scared to end up. Ready to go, totally into pursuing this and......no teacher. Again. I guess it's my destiny to walk a solitary path.
I couldn't believe my luck that I'd 'stumbled' into this rich Pagan/Wiccan/Witch community complete with tons of classes and full blown initiate training. I was so close to beginning my year and a day training. I've been looking forward to this for so long. I feel deflated & disappointed.
What is so upsetting to me is that I was really looking forward to learning all of this from people, not just from books, to see this done in real life. I need the structure of class to keep me motivated and to help me to know where to begin and how to work through all of this wealth of knowledge. I don't just want to flit from thing to thing when I have the time. Now there are no classes. There is no initiation. It's just me. Stumbling through this.
The one nice thing is that one of the people I connected to the most intensely has offered to be a mentor of sorts. She has said she would meet with me regularly. I know how that goes though, she is still teaching the Seeker classes, running a brand new coven and possibly starting a new job at some point in the future.
I feel like crying.
When they told me it was so hard not to show how disappointed I was. But instead I always do this thing where I pretend I'm not upset, that everything is ok and concentrate on convincing them that I'm not upset when I really am.
So I guess it's up to me now to puzzle all of this out and go off on my own. They said I would still be invited to open rituals but most all of the actual sabbats are closed I'm sure.
Always on the outside looking in.
Thank the Lord & Lady the dishes were done and the house clean when I got home tonight, I really don't feel like I can handle any more disappointment today.
What makes it more of a bummer is that our full moon ritual went smashingly tonight. At least I thought so. Maybe they didn't.
Oh well, I'm off to throw a pity party for myself.
I don't really know how I feel about this just yet so I hope this doesn't come across as too pitiful, I'm sure it's as intended, but I feel bummed all the same.
I got the word today that the group I had been petitioning dedicancy to has said that they will not be accepting me for initiation.
Sigh.
The only issue they mentioned is scheduling. I work till late at night and they were wanting to meet during the week. I don't know if there is more to it than that, if there is I guess I don't want to know. All of this leads me to wonder if I totally screwed up by not leaving the door open to study with the first group I began my seeker classes with. But, I guess it's too late for that. I told them on Friday that I would not be seeking dedicancy with them. Really tho I had already figured out that it wouldn't quite work out for me to study with them.
And now I'm left where I was scared to end up. Ready to go, totally into pursuing this and......no teacher. Again. I guess it's my destiny to walk a solitary path.
I couldn't believe my luck that I'd 'stumbled' into this rich Pagan/Wiccan/Witch community complete with tons of classes and full blown initiate training. I was so close to beginning my year and a day training. I've been looking forward to this for so long. I feel deflated & disappointed.
What is so upsetting to me is that I was really looking forward to learning all of this from people, not just from books, to see this done in real life. I need the structure of class to keep me motivated and to help me to know where to begin and how to work through all of this wealth of knowledge. I don't just want to flit from thing to thing when I have the time. Now there are no classes. There is no initiation. It's just me. Stumbling through this.
The one nice thing is that one of the people I connected to the most intensely has offered to be a mentor of sorts. She has said she would meet with me regularly. I know how that goes though, she is still teaching the Seeker classes, running a brand new coven and possibly starting a new job at some point in the future.
I feel like crying.
When they told me it was so hard not to show how disappointed I was. But instead I always do this thing where I pretend I'm not upset, that everything is ok and concentrate on convincing them that I'm not upset when I really am.
So I guess it's up to me now to puzzle all of this out and go off on my own. They said I would still be invited to open rituals but most all of the actual sabbats are closed I'm sure.
Always on the outside looking in.
Thank the Lord & Lady the dishes were done and the house clean when I got home tonight, I really don't feel like I can handle any more disappointment today.
What makes it more of a bummer is that our full moon ritual went smashingly tonight. At least I thought so. Maybe they didn't.
Oh well, I'm off to throw a pity party for myself.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wanted: Inspiration
While everything about the weather, the season & the landscape is inspiring lately, I just don't seem to be inspired to write. I have been painting but no writing. I can't think of how long it has been since I last wrote poetry.
Hmmm.
It's not that life has been all that serious as of late but I think there is a pervading funk enveloping the U.S.A. right now.
I'll be back.
Hmmm.
It's not that life has been all that serious as of late but I think there is a pervading funk enveloping the U.S.A. right now.
I'll be back.
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