missing pieces

I've been feeling the urge to write poetry again lately but while the urge is there the words are not. They're all tangled up and stuck. I know from experience that writing is like a muscle that needs to be exercised in order to be strong and ready which I haven't been doing. I'm impatient like that, I just want it to be there at my whim (and it'd be nice if it were brilliant while I'm wishing..) It's been so long since I've done a creative project (aside from my BOS) like painting or sewing or collage or sculpture...I'm missing it is all I guess.

Today I want life to be different, more simple. I guess that is ultimately what we're working towards it all just feels so horribly uncertain and stressful. I've got to hone my witchy skills so I can conjure up my dream life and manifest it into this life. Some days I'm just blue no matter what. I want to disappear, travel, create, cry, roam free and wild without restraint. I miss a memory that I don't even have. A time when I was wild, when I was free. When relationships weren't blemished by insecurities and secrets. When I felt connected to nature and was fearless.
When I was strong, sexual, vibrant and healthy. I miss things I've never known.

sigh.

October is nearly over. boo.

This is my favorite month and it seems like yet again this year I've got too much stuff going on to have a real true Samhain celebration. I've been wanting to get an ancestor altar put together for my house and have people over for the last three years. Time just moves too fast. Maybe next October...

I do think I'll be joining Swan at her house for a Samhain ritual though, should be fun except that we are doing it during the day which seems....wrong I guess, Samhain rituals are for darkest night! I guess I'll take what I can get at this point~

Whew!

Well, I'm happy to report that last week is over.


The best part?


My week long headache that was punctuated by two migraines is done and gone!! Good riddance!


I'm so happy to be rid of that horrible pain, I feel like a brand new person!
Today is the first day of following Solomon's actual protocol and I'm happy to be well on my way. I feel like we spent the last week working all the kinks out and now we're really ready to make this happen. I ate a few things I shouldn't have last week (besides the food I made that had the sugar in the spices) such as canned pears from the farmer's market- why in the world did they add sugar to them? I thought for sure it was just plain fruit juice in there but apparently he puts some sugar in there, I was smart enough to ask when I went back this saturday. I didn't knowingly go outside of the diet though and for me that is what counts. No cheating at all! (Despite all of the screaming in my brain every time I would pass something sweet at the grocery store) Now I know what's what and I'm determined to avoid all sugar for these next two weeks. One tiny bit of sugar or I'm guessing any of the other foods to avoid on the list will be devastating. The yeast will survive on the tiniest bit of any of the forbidden foods and I'll be fit to be tied if I go all the way back to Indiana to see Solomon and he tells me the detox didn't work and I've still got it. But, I'm thinking positively and am just sure we'll get this licked.

I think my body has gone through the worst of it with the drastic (99.5%) reduction in sugars and all aspirin related products. I know it's hard on my brain to be cut off of it's nearly daily supply of aspirin type products but I also know from past experience that cutting off such high doses of said medicine from your blood stream will cause 'rebound headaches.' This term was new to me till last year when I read about it and decided to experiment. I went three days without any type of Excedrin or whatever and had THE WORST HEADACHE!!!! It was immediate and it was horrible. That time I wasn't really set on quitting it forever so I just gave in on the third day and used some Excedrin and within about 10 minutes the headache was completely gone. Hmmmm, funny how that works, eh? It was clear to me that I was dependant on it. Now I've gone through the sugar shakes and am past the rebound headache so maybe from here on out will be smooth sailing. (Crossing fingers...)


I was also miraculously able to do some more work on my Book of Shadows (& accompanying books) this weekend!! I'm at the crafty part where I'm picking out the different papers for the chapter breaks- I LOVE PAPER CRAFTS!!!! With the popularity of scrap booking I've been able to find the most amazing papers, it's like Christmas every time I go to the craft store. This weekend I was able to scoop up a couple of packets of mixed paper that are just divine and one of them was 40% off while the other was 50% off!! Double score!

It occurs to me I should start putting some pictures up on here. Nearly every blog I read has pictures and I think it would make a big difference. I'm not entirely sure how to do that however...also, if the picture isn't mine then how do I handle that? Do I just have to give credit for it somewhere? I better google for some blogging pointers, now that I've finally made it a priority to write on here and it seems as if there are actual real people reading (hello real people!!) I should make an effort to dress it up a bit. If anyone has suggestions that would be swell, I'm not a very computer savvy kinda gal..

Day 2

Well, I have a couple things of note to mention, my metals/yeast detox isn't going so well.

The worst part is that I sabotaged myself.

Last night after we got home from work I was noticing my body and paying attention to what felt different. I've read many times that with this sort of detox (most any detox likely) one will feel a lot worse before they feel better and so I wanted to tune in and see what was going on. All day I'd been feeling a light irritation, just feeling.....well, irritable. As the day turned to night and it got later the irritation got worse and I felt a kind of nervous energy as well as a headache that was getting more and more intense as the minutes ticked by. I told myself that this was normal and it meant that the detox was working.

Then came the kick to the stomach, my husband was looking at the spices to see what was acceptable to put in his chili since it wasn't spicy enough. (What a trooper he is doing this with me! Well, he didn't really have a choice since if I have it it's likely he does too and he could pass it back to me if he doesn't cleanse his system properly, damn yeast!!) Anywho, he picked up one of the spices I had used extensively in TWO of the dishes I had prepared for the week and said, "oh, guess I can't use this cause it has sugar in it." My heart sank and tears sprang to my eyes (oh, have I mentioned I'm so overly sensitive that I can hardly stand myself?) and I dramatically boo-hoo'd about how it was all a waste and that I wouldn't be able to start the protocol for another whole week. After I mellowed out a bit I decided it was time to take my pills for the day and that I would just continue on as I had and extend the protocol for an extra week instead of quiting all together.

It was then that the kick to the head came- I noticed in big bold letters on the acidophilus bottle that it was supposed to be refrigerated. I hadn't put it in the fridge, it had been about a month since I bought the stuff. What the hell? I bought the new cookware, read the books, tailored my cooking, everything!! And now it was all falling apart, well, mostly I was falling apart. I felt defeated and very sorry for myself.

I decided to check the mail and see if Solomon had gotten back to me with a day/time for my follow-up appointment. He had.

There are no more appointments left open for 2009.

He stated that I was welcome to show up for a tues/weds and be on 'stand by' and he would try to squeeze me in in between people. I seriously thought I was going to lose it at this point. I have to fly and rent a car and pay for hotel rooms to make this happen and just hanging out for two days waiting to be seen seemed very expensive and also pretty shaky. What if he wasn't able to see me? I only have two days of PTO left, I can only go and wait to be seen for one day. Plus I was supposed to be traveling with other people who wanted to see him as well, what about them?

This was getting to be all too much so I decided to go read some of my favorite blogs and clear my mind. What I ended up finding was so significant and so interesting I just had to share. And just maybe this will mean something to you too as you make your way through this new moon.
I know it made me feel better. This information comes from Owl's Wings blog on the blessings of the new moon in Libra.

Astrologer Lynn Hayes writes, "this New Moon forms a trine to the Chiron/Neptune conjunction, so there is the potential for a cascade of beautiful and soulful healing energy (Chiron/Neptune) that clears the way for the new beginning of the New Moon. (sounds good huh? pretty auspicious beginning!!)

And the kicker:
“However,” she continues, “the New Moon (the conjunction of the Sun and Moon) forms a square to the lunar nodes, suggesting that we will be tested.

All is not lost however:
In addition, another astrologer, Theodore White, tells us: “By the time of the positive October 18th New Moon in Libra, the favorable energies will allow most people to begin to make significant gradual progress deep into the fall season after the delays and frustrations of September and early October.

Okay, so I seem to be right on track with Luna, healing and being tested at the same time during this new moon in Libra. I managed to pull myself together and decided that I am going to pass this test, I am committed to my health. I am also looking forward to the 'significant gradual progress' that needs to take place in my life and with my health. So, although I loathe the thought I'm adding an additional week to my detox. I'm not going off diet and consuming those sweet sugars I crave. Damn.

Oh well, anything worth having is worth working for, right?

I am not happy but I guess this is the gauntlet. Onward and upward.

Transformation

I've been pondering how to continue to write within this blog about my life and what I'm going through without getting too heavy handed with the health stuff. I really want this to be a space where I explore my progress through my year & a day training and how it affects my life.

Problem is, my health is primarily what I'm dealing with right now and my first thought is that I've not been working so diligently on my year and a day studies these last few months and that's far more interesting.

Upon further contemplation I realized that in fact I really am doing my spiritual work. Every day. And some may say the most important kind. The mental work. As I move through this personal transformation I am changing entirely. It's not just my physical health that is going through an overhaul it's my mind, my heart and my soul as well.

When I was younger I was intrigued and inspired by the Zen philosophy and would have to point to Zen as my first touchstone for conscious thinking/living. And now I strive to incorporate my Zen philosophy with magickal thinking. I strive to curb negative thought patterns, I talk with the Goddess, I notice details about whatever it is that I'm doing- appreciating patterns, colors, textures, tastes, smells, I direct positive healing energy into my projects and seal it with a pentagram. These changes in thought have been especially helpful in the realm of housekeeping and cooking.

While I know for a fact that I function much better in a clean, well organized home I find I have a tendency to get resentful if I feel like I'm the only one working and everyone else is playing. Which is pretty much always the case at my house. And despite all of my prodding (nagging) this isn't likely to change as it's not as important to anyone else as it is to me. Plus, this is something I've been working on my attitude towards because I know it's only going to get worse once we have a baby!! (I can just hear the legions of mothers out there nodding in agreement) and I don't want to be the eternally pissy mother/wife. Ideally I want to create a loving, nurturing, inspired & magickal home that I am happy and proud to be a part of and where people genuinely enjoy themselves.

So I am alternately working on changing my negativity to positivity and learning how to let go of some things. While I prefer a well kept house it just isn't possible right now. The cost is just too high. When I don't let go my relationship with my husband suffers, my stress levels are thru the roof (which in turn affects my health), and in the end not much more gets done so I'm still behind and everyone is super pissed off all the time and I'm working my ass off. Lose-lose.

All of my life I thought I wanted to be a globe-trotting gypsy without a care, without a commitment, nothing to tie me down. I thought about what jobs would facilitate such a lifestyle and went in that direction. Bit by bit I've grown and changed and realized that I don't want to float, I've done that and I'm tired of it, that I need a solid home base and I want a family to grow with and a community to belong to. I am realizing also that crafting a home and a family is not separate from my spirituality, it is a huge part of it. All areas of my life are touched by my spirituality, even my job (which is where I need to do the most work with negativity and such).

I feel that I have been given an opportunity. To see what is important and to go for it. I've been given a diagnosis- FINALLY- and can now begin to heal my body. I've found a mentor who is willing to guide me along my year & a day training, I've got a job that has enabled me to go through all of these transformations while being financially supported, I have family and a husband who support me (in their own ways....), I am ready to shed this outer shell and become who I truly am. It's spectacularly exciting. I'm awfully impatient with myself so it often feels like I'm always pushing for more while experiencing results slowly but that's all part of the process I suppose. I'm trying to be kinder to myself also.

Each day now I'm moving closer. She's in there. The one that has only seen glimpses of manifestation. Clearer and brighter the real me is awakening and I'll never be the same.

Thank the Goddess.

The rollercoaster comes to a halt

We're recovering.

Life has begun to move steadily forward again instead of in drastic ups and downs. Of course we are still grieving the loss of my mother-in-law but the sharp sting has dissipated. I think it's a little different also for us because she had sooo many major health problems for so long and there were so many times that she went into surgeries that we weren't sure she would survive. We know that the last 12 years we had with her were miracle years, we could have lost her long ago after her first massive brain surgery. The upcoming holidays will be difficult indeed, I'm not thinking about that right now tho, just living for today. All I know is that there are finally good days again, it's not gloomy from start to finish.

I've begun to resume my spiritual studies as well after a long pause. I haven't had any time for myself outside of my responsibilities, caring for my husband, paying bills, cleaning, cooking & working of course. And, additionally, getting things in place to begin my yeast/metals detox diet which is proving to be quite the process. We had to order all new pots & pans as ours were calphalon and contain an aluminum core. Researching recipes has been work as well- once you cut out all sugars- including fructose the pickin's get a little slim. Soups are easy but man/woman cannot live on soup alone and I most certainly don't want to get burnt out on soup this early into the Autumn/Winter season!! Breakfasts & entrees are the toughie. I think I've got some stuff lined up though and after the farmer's market this saturday I'll retire to the kitchen where I'll put my new cookware to the test. Solomon thinks I will be amazed at how differently I feel once we've got all this under control, I am so excited for my new healthy me. A boost in my energy levels would sure be fantastic, I'm so tired all the time I just can't seem to do anything outside of work and the bare essentials.

Last night I finally got all of my 'work' out and started separating everything out into the different binders for my elaborate Book of Shadows project. I think I mentioned this previously but I'm going to have one big main BOS and then there will be three smaller accompanying volumes and one binder for my year & a day studies as well as the seeker classes I took with a different coven. I made massive headway last night and am primed to get moving forward again.

I'm also gathering materials & information for my flash card projects. Firstly I think I'm going to construct some cards to help me learn the standard Rider/Waite deck. Recently I've been working with my Osho Zen tarot deck and have been continuously awed by the insight that deck brings to me. I'll have to get more into that some day....I have to say though that it has been an amazing tool. I really would like to know more about the traditional tarot, even if I ultimately stick with the Osho Zen deck it's still something every proper Witch should know!

Anyone else made flashcards before? Any tips or pointers?
I'm always open to suggestions!!

Update on healing

For the first time I feel hopeful. Returning from my visit with Solomon Wickey I've got a 'diagnosis' and hope.

Hope that I can get my life back. And the thing about it is that I don’t even know what to expect to get out of life considering that it is likely I’ve had this problem in at least small degrees since I was born.

The culprit?

Yeast and aluminum.

Seems silly. Seems inconsequential. When the healer told me that my body was overrun by yeast and aluminum I was relieved. This was my problem? No big deal. He didn’t smile back at me. He looked at me very seriously and in a grave tone of voice told me that this was very serious and was indeed life threatening. I was confused. I’ve never heard of someone dying because of yeast or aluminum.

Upon arriving home from my trip to see said healer I began to investigate just what yeast and aluminum can do to the human body. I was, well, am stunned. There it all was. Every strange seemingly unconnected malady I’ve been experiencing as far back as I can remember. I’ve had so many ah-ha! moments I feel like I’m in shock. Solomon suggested a diet to rid myself of the heavy metals build up as well as the systemic yeast and some herbs to support my system while I detox. From what I’ve read about what happens when you start killing off all of this rampant bad yeast it can be horribly painful and make you very very sick (mycotoxins). I think I should be okay with the support of the herbs and even if I do have to suffer through it I have to believe that nothing is worse than a lifetime of continuing as I have.

There is a wealth of information on systemic poisoning from both of these (yeast & aluminum) culprits all over the web. Yet ever single doctor I’ve seen for the last 22 years has missed the mark every time. Oftentimes prescribing me medications that have exacerbated my core issue of aluminum poisoning/systemic yeast. The headaches I began experiencing at age 9 weren’t normal. The muscle aches, joint pain, fatigue, memory loss, blurred vision, I could go on and on, but suffice to say- these things aren’t normal but the doctors told us that it was hormonal and I was just an early bloomer and not to worry everything would sort out as I got older. Only it didn’t. It all just got worse and worse.

For over 10 years now I’ve lived with a secret fear that I have a fatal disease. I’ve experienced health problems since I was very young but it’s been within the last 10 years that I’ve really started to be afraid of what was going on with my body. On the few occasions in my adult life that I’ve had healthcare and was able to afford the co-pay (insert argument for universal health care) I went to doctors with my fears and frantically tried to find the root, find out what was going on. Nothing. Not even a guess. I obtained a copy of my medical chart from one of my last docs and was shocked to see the word ‘hypochondriac’ written in the notes section.

Within the last year it's gotten the worst it's ever been. My hair got drastically more thin and my skin has been horrible, I started experiencing sycope (passing out for no reason at all) and have headaches weekly.

And now, within 5 min. an Amish man by the name of Solomon Wickey has changed my life and given me hope that I can be better than I have ever dreamed.
Everything I’ve read about systemic yeast and aluminum poisoning rings true. Now I know. I finally know how to heal myself.

Now for a quick tutorial of yeast overgrowth symptoms & links:

There are some differences between the symptoms/diseases that manifest in women as opposed to men with systemic yeast overgrowth, some of the issues pertaining to women;

“One of the most well known forms of yeast is the vaginal yeast infection. However, it may play a role in just about any mental health condition or chronic illness you can think of. Yeast overgrowth is considered to be a leading contributor in alcoholism, anxiety disorders, asthma, IBS- irritable bowel syndrome, addisons disease, MCS- multiple chemical sensitivites, crohns, autism, CFS- chronic fatigue syndrome, leaky gut syndrome, pms, endometriosis, FMS- fibromyalgia syndrome, prostatitis, ADD-attention deficit disorder, multiple sclerosis, asthma, food allergies, muscle and joint pain, clinical depression, repeated urinary tract infections, hormonal imbalances, migraines, digestive disturbances, difficult menopause, psoriasis, lupus, chronic pain, tourette's, vulvodynia, rheumatoid arthritis and many more.”

And for men;

“Common candida symptoms in males that don't fall under an actual disorder label may consist of irritability, cognitive difficulties, depression, inability to concentrate, fatigue, restlessness, anxiety, forgetfulness, diarrhea, constipation, headaches, frequent stomach aches, indigestion, heartburn, excessive shyness or feelings of being self-conscious, rashes and many more. Males with candida tend to get these labels: chronic prostatitis, hyperactive, learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, conduct disorder, anger or rage disorders, alcoholic, drug addict, anti-social disorder, autism.

Please take the time to review some of the links to the articles I am providing that I feel have some valid information on the subject and see if you or someone you love is experiencing these problems. I absolutely believe that if I had ever stumbled upon any of this information years ago I would have recognized myself in these lists of symptoms and would have taken steps to rebalance the yeast in my system and cut out my exposure to aluminum as best I could.

These are by no means the definitive sources of information on the topics of systemic yeast overgrowth and/or aluminum poisoning, this is just what I have found so far and found to be informative. The book listed below has been the most extensive source so far.

Below is a great book that I am making my way through outlining a phase diet that helps to ease one into the yeast rebalancing diet. Has a ton of information, a bit overwhelming but the fact that the diet is done in phases is helpful and there is a lot of information on how to support your body thru this change.
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Candida-Yeast-Guidebook-Revised/dp/0761527400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255040267&sr=8-1

Link to aluminum free cookware that is very affordably priced, read the descriptions for each piece or set carefully, some of them do contain aluminum but most do not. Recommended by Solomon:
http://www.realcook.com/

One of the most comprehensive websites discussing systemic yeast, be sure to click on the different tabs on the left side for more information
http://www.yeastinfectionadvisor.com/index.html

A short but informative entry level article discussing aluminum toxicity
http://www.drpepi.com/aluminum-poisoning.php#

A more extensive list of symptoms of aluminum poisoning
http://home.earthlink.net/~joannefstruve/_wsn/page3.html


If you know of more/different sources of information on these topics I would love to know!

in this heartbreak

in this moment, this raw,
clenching break
all physical ties severed
we mourn ourselves
our loss
in the same breath
we try
to celebrate your life.