Last time Swan and I met we had a big talk. The talk was about whether or not I wanted to continue my training. I absolutely do and I sincerely hope that as we go forward the other things in my life that have kept me from dedicating the required amount of time & attention to my year & a day training will have subsided or at least mellowed considerably.
I am hopeful yet realistic.
This will be the year we are planning on getting pregnant so who knows what kind of a monkey wrench that will throw everything into. I am glad that I soldiered on thru this year & a day but was a little sad to think that while I should be preparing for initiation instead we are doing another round of dedicant training. I know I'm not ready. I know I haven't done the work that is required for that kind of leap but I can't help but be a bit bummed. Oh well, I have to keep telling myself that I fought for every single meeting we were able to have this last year and while there were numerous cancellations on both of our parts and many many personal hurdles (for both of us) we still continued. That has to be enough.
On a more positive note, this Sunday Swan and I celebrated Imbolc. A little late, I know, but it was so great to finally have a ritual. It's been a very long time since we had ritual together, I can't actually remember the last time... What I am grateful for tho is that every single time we do I come out of the experience feeling uplifted, happy, excited, calm, a million things all at once, every single one of them is positive. This time we didn't do a formal circle we just collected a few things and sat at the kitchen table. While I love the experience of casting a circle I have found that whenever I am with Swan I get just as much out of the experience without the circle. I've come to understand that the circle is more of a Wiccan construct than a Witchcraft tenet and if push comes to shove I consider myself more of a Witch than a Wiccan.
I digress, back to the ritual at hand ;) After speaking on the significance of Imbolc and taking a moment to soak that experience in we commenced to write down some things we would like to see planted and grow in the year to come. After we were done writing we put our slips into bowls, meditated over them and then I asked the Goddess to show me the way. Show me what was important and what needs the most attention.
The first slip I drew said on it: Have a baby! I grinned from ear to ear. I've been needing all the universal confirmation I can get on this.
The second slip I drew said: Find my joy! To which grinned even wider. Lately as my husband struggles thru his anxiety/panic attack issues I've tried to become even more aware of my stress level and have noticed that I too am very stressed out a lot of the time. I know that most everyone is stressed but I also know that this is not our normal state, it's not right. The Universe wants us to be happy. We aren't meant to suffer endlessly. And now, with that additional confirmation from the universe I'm going to do it. I've got to get myself mellowed out, for myself, my marriage, my impending pregnancy.
It's the right thing to do!
So if you are looking for some sort of universal message to claim your happiness and to find your joy, THIS IS IT!! THE TIME IS NOW!! FIND YOUR BLISS!!!!!!
