Everything & Nothing

Hello Witches!

2011-11-15T21:38:00.000-08:00

Hey there!

I'm amazed that this blog still gets any traffic since I've been such a horrible blogger for so very long now. I will be getting back to this space in due time and for a little eye candy I'd like to offer up my new photo tumblr of sorts, it's actually through a site called 'posterous' and so, without further ado here is the link to my new eye candy site~

Blessings!

Collected Magick
http://seraphinabohemian13.posterous.com/
(for some reason I can't make this a link show up...not sure what the issue is but let your mouse scroll over the area above this line and the link will appear)

Blah blah blah

2011-08-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

Hello all~

I've been avoiding this blog because I've been dealing with piles of health issues and haven't had the energy to come up with something else to bring to the table. Well, I'm going to make more of an effort, I've recently got some things cleared up and with some positive MRI test results I'm feeling more like poking my head out of my shell. But tonight, tonight you get poetry. You love the poetry, right? It's like sex for your eyes & brains! Word sex!

lie still, tiny mouth.
lie still, mouth from which eternity will speak. tiny tongue
that will soon summon the dead,
that will define grace, that
will silence our foolishness.
Rosebud lips- upon which ride
a starborn kiss of forgiveness
to those who believe you, and of
death to those who deny you-
lie still.
excerpt of piece by Max Lucado

I'm trying. I really am.

2011-04-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

photo source unknown.

This has been such a trying week. Another surgery to correct a problem that sprang up from the last one and on the exact same day of my surgery our truck died. Then my lovin' man went out of town the next day. So here I sit, all alone with another fucking catheter for a week (two days to go till I get checked out to see if it can come out) and no vehicle. Damn. I just don't even know what to say about all of this except DAMN. I know it will all work out and that everything will be fine in the end but it really was starting to look like we were pulling it together and making some progress with our health & our money saving. Now they have both taken a big dive and again I'm sitting here dazed in the wake of destruction. There's so much research and such that I could be doing while I'm stuck at home sitting on my ass but to tell you the truth I've been so dazed and so blue all I seem to be able to do is watch Bollywood movies and read books with swarthy pirates. I've really got to pull myself together.

I have been her kind.

2011-03-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

Her Kind

I have gone out, a possessed witch,

haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.

I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.

I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.

-Anne Sexton

Painting by Lauren K. Cannon

There is a season

2011-03-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

Today a simple meditation on some song lyrics helps to remind me of the truth. Give it a read and think on it a sec. Maybe it will pack the punch you need as well to accept where you are today, who you are today.

Turn! Turn! Turn!
Words-adapted from The Bible, book of Ecclesiastes

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late
                                                             Music-Pete Seeger

Slowly I’ve been arriving at a number of insights recently. Chiefly I am stunned to realize just how often I have to learn and relearn things over and over and over. At times I’ll think to myself, “I’ve got this. It’s understood, I know it.” In no time I’m back to crying, wondering what went wrong, what happened and the worst- why is this happening?

Let me illustrate; everything I know about witchcraft teaches me that the universe moves in cycles, hence the inclusion of the Byrds lyrics. And yet this last winter I found myself struggling immensely with some very dark thoughts, lingering depression, and seriously lacking motivation. I half-heartedly tried to fight it but mostly I was just feeling sorry for myself and waiting for it to lift. I suppose it's worth mentioning as well that I have been having a cold spell (ha ha Witchy double entendre) in regards to my spiritual practice these last handful of months.

I'd been so consumed with having family in town, recovering from my double foot surgery, the second surgery (of which I'm still having complications) that I had put everything else aside. Looking to inspire myself to delve back in I uploaded some new podcasts to my iPod and I'm starting to get the feel of it again. Oddly enough as soon as I had the realization that Winter is the season for turning inward, for looking into the darkness within I felt the veil lifting. I sat with it, I no longer rebelled against it and so it goes that the claws & teeth have been retracted. Spring is here and I'm ready for renewal.

I'm taking stock of what is going on internally (which of course always ends up being manifested externally) and making plans. Typical me, I've got a list a mile long of things I hope to learn, try out, change and accomplish for the next year- I'm nothing if not ambitious. Which brings me to my next bit of inspiration- a quote by Henri-Frederic Amiel

"Learn to limit yourself; to content yourself with some definite work; dare to be what you are and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not; and to believe in your individuality."

Finding this was a complete revelation. The light bulb went off and I think I heard an audible 'ding!' at the same time! I am always so hard on myself, internally berating myself for everything that I don't get to, all of the goals I don't meet. One of my resolutions is to strike a balance between nourishing & realistic goals and things that are more 'shoulds' will fall away. I need to put my limited amount of energy where it counts. Right now that seems to be on continuing to move my health in a healing direction.

I've been getting good at allowing myself to heal. I am allowed to sit and read for hours at a time. I'm allowed to leave the dishes in the sink and take a nap. I'm allowed to watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon. I'm allowed to spend all day painting.  I am allowed to lay in bed daydreaming. I am allowed to let others take care of themselves.

What will you allow yourself to do now that you have my permission to heal?

stitched up and sprouting

2011-02-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

source unknown

Surgery number 2 is behind me and today, 10 days later I finally feel better. The best part is that I got to have the catheter removed. Yeah, I had a catheter in for the last 10 days. Horrible. Turns out the issues they were dealing with were more complicated than anticipated and I ended up having emergency surgery on my urethra. Bleck. The whole thing made me grouchy, now I'm much better!!

The good news: all issues were addressed and there was no evidence of any other issues so my lady parts get the thumbs up!! The remaining pain is nothing now that the damn catheter is gone, funny how at some point pain becomes relative.

I've done my best to pay close attention and remain introspective during this journey, it's been an emotional roller coaster for a variety of reasons I was surprised to discover. When we lost our baby a few years back I was far enough along that I had to be induced and my feeling at the time was that I wanted every drug possible to make me as numb as possible. I wanted to be unconscious, I didn't want to participate in one second of that labor. That feeling continued after I had the baby, I took quite a bit of Valium & painkillers in the following days. I floated through it in a fog and told myself I was alright.

I finally sobered up and got angry about the whole thing, I started asking the Goddess some intense questions, I got some real answers and it changed my life. Ever since then I've been careful to be as present as I can, to listen to the lessons that are revealed. I know now that many of my life lessons will come through my struggle for total health. I've got a long list of things to work on though I've crossed off a fair amount of them in the last two years.

The pieces are sliding together,
I'm becoming me.

Darkness before Dawn

2011-02-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

I've been very hesitant to make this blog all about my health issues.  My quest for better health has been a huge struggle in my life most notably for the last couple of years and so it's inevitable that it would leak into this space but I know how tedious it can be to read about someone elses' health problems so I've tried to be selective about what I share. One thing I've been pretty open about is our quest to get pregnant. I know there are quite a few couples out there that have issues in this arena as well and I've appreciated having other bloggers input about their journey so this is one topic I've addressed and now I know there are at least two bloggers who come here just for this reason so I want to give the update on my testing.

I can't express how glad I am that I listened to the little voice in my head that kept telling me to go in and get the thorough once over to see if everything with my lady parts was oky-doky. My little voice (who grows louder every day thankfully) kept telling me that everything wasn't okay and she was right. My new ob-gyn specializes in infertility, she was the first one who ever really listened to my list of complaints and took me seriously, she too felt that the list of issues warranted testing. The first thing we did was a vaginal ultrasound which immediately revealed that I have a septate uterus, a very large cyst and a uterine fibroid. She was concerned about the cyst and wanted a better look at the uterus so she ordered an MRI. The results were concurrent with her findings during the ultrasound plus the test provided a diagnoses of adenomyosis.

I've been on such a roller coaster since all of these tests started coming in. A big part of me is relieved to know what is really going on and know that I have the insurance to have it taken care of. A very big part of me is seething with rage that I can barely contain at times over all of the doctors who I tried to get to listen to me when I told them that something was wrong. When we lost our baby a few years ago they told us they did every test they could on both of us to figure out what went wrong and both my ob & my ob surgeon are AMAZED they didn't see the problem with the uterus during any of the ultrasounds we had done during pregnancy or that they didn't look at the uterus at all for a miscarriage cause. I believe it is clearly a case of us not being insured at the time and them not wanting to delve into it for a state aid charity case. But besides the inept doctors (which isn't new to me in my previous experiences) I'm also pissed at all of the other non-traditional healers (medical intuitive specifically) I have been working with these last couple of years. That one is tough because I went out on a limb to trust them and to have faith in their spiritual process to guide us to a healthy pregnancy and baby. EVERYONE kept telling us that we were over our hurdles and it was time to go for it and start really trying to get pregnant. It devastates me to think what could have/would have happened if I had somehow managed to get pregnant again (which even both docs I have now acknowledge was a miracle the first time around due to all of my issues lining up the way they do to hinder fertility.) My uterus is too small due to the wall up the middle to carry a baby. We would have either lost it again around the 5mo mark...again...or would have had to deliver prematurely and risk all that comes with that. I just keep thinking to myself, WHAT THE FUCK???? I had an entire fucking team on this ONE health issue and not one single damn person could figure it out. I've been trying to see what the lesson is in this....maybe I'm still too close to it to see it clearly but so far I'm not getting it.

So now the next step is surgery. I met with my surgeon yesterday and while I believe him to be knowledgeable I'm concerned with his approach. For one he doesn't think it's important to remove the fibroid. His logic for this was pretty fuzzy, he seemed to be telling me that it was a much more involved surgery and he didn't want to 'put me through that' without any consideration for the significant amount of people in my family who have died from cancers or the fact that I made mention that in a year from now I won't have insurance any longer so I may not be able to do anything about it if I don't get insurance after my job is transferred.

I'm so frustrated, it feels like I don't have anywhere to go for real solid answers. This is all so confusing and it enrages me to think that I have to hold these doctors hands through all of this to ensure that they don't screw me over again. And my medical intuitive? She dropped the ball big time.  After all of this came out I emailed her and told her of the results and point blank asked her how it was that she with all of her spirit helpers and all of her years of doing this work wasn't able to clearly see what the issues were- at least with the uterus- and instead was compelling me to go ahead with trying to get pregnant. Her response was so amazingly idiotic that in spite of my anger I had to laugh. I'm still amazed. Not once did she bother to explain in any manner how she missed this, neither did she apologize or offer any suggestions about my exposed conditions. She did say that if I needed any further assistance after meeting with the surgeon that I could call her for a free session and she would help out. Well, after the adenomyosis diagnosis came in following the reading of the MRI results I emailed her again and asked her if she knew anything about adenomyosis, that was two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from her since. So FUCK YOU LADY!! How could you sleep at night or live with yourself if you were taking someones money and advising them in matters of health only to find out that you were horribly wrong- without apologizing or bothering to right the situation you just go on with your life and your business?

And to make matters worse I've got next to no support group as I go through this. My mom of course is my rock, she's always there for me and I felt so much better when I thought she was going to be able to come here and be with me for this operation & recovery but last night I found out that isn't going to happen. She's in the middle of closing on a house so she can't leave in the middle of all of the financial stuff. I'd been keeping a pretty stiff upper lip until she told me that. When we got off of the phone I was devastated.

My husband is not known for his nurturing or supportive abilities. He means well in his own way but he's never had to or been bothered to figure out how to be helpful in the ways that I need him to be. This was never more apparent to me than when I had my feet operated on, thank the Lord & Lady that my parents were here for that or who knows how it would have gone. I keep reading all of these blogs where these women have these amazing circles of friends and family that are there for them through their struggles and crises, last night at work I was reading a new blog and the woman was talking about how a friend of hers had some severe complications during childbirth and there were dozens of women who organized to breast feed her baby while she recovers in the hospital. It was so touching and so beautiful I started crying at my desk. I feel a massive void in my life where a nurturing community should be. Aside from my mom there isn't really anyone. I talked to my best girlfriend about the test results when they first came in and she was concerned but was going to be leaving for vacation in a couple of days and I haven't heard from her since. I don't want to call people and whine, I loathe talking about it honestly but it would be great to just have someone who would call/email from time to time to check in and just say they were here. My mentor, Swan, has totally ditched me. She finally answered my question about whether or not we were still training and or hanging out together and said yes to both counts but hasn't answered an email since. I just stopped, clearly she is too busy for me.

I hate that this is starting to sound like a pity party, though I am indeed feeling a little Eyore-ish about the whole thing. I know everyone has their own problems, such is life I guess. In the meantime I'll journey into this darkness to find out what she is trying to teach me, this- like so many of the journeys in my life will be a solitary one it seems and there must be a reason for that too.

Into the deep................

Lascivite

2011-01-29T21:02:00.000-08:00

Lucifer for Agent Provocateur

Take me back rocket through
the miles missing you
is delicious the taste
of anticipation smooth
the ripple release the soul
bound by the ecstasy moan

murdering words whispered
diving headlong towards inception
raised by ritual
driven by salacious hunger
hunting, the sharp teeth
slick tongue disguises
opulent ancestral lust
release
release
going deep

dreams of saturnalia
consumption
chasm abandon the ashes
in your wake sharpened to
fine point desire
arching estrus you see
every pulse invading
your consciousness, nearly wise
intended saiety
I can see you will
not be denied

lull, lull, lull the lust
swallow the release
bury it deep
gloss the surface
quiet the drums

unfastened contortion
prison the severed
wings unbalance
and knot my cruelest curse my
beast heart (tear
empty wake) it's getting
harder and harder
to separate
myself
these days.

~Esmeralda~

Legalize it!

2010-12-01T22:20:00.000-08:00

marijuana is money

I can't believe that weed is still illegal. I know all the different sides of the debate and all I have to say is that I've been smokin' tha shit for a long time now and I am a productive member of society who has managed to stay off of anxiety medication by occasionally puffing on tha herb. Now am being forced to quit in order to submit to a mandatory physical & drug screening at my job. It's crap!!! I don't mind quiting now and again, I do it for a few months out of every year but I hate being forced to quit to prove that I should be allowed to keep my job. It's bullshit! I guess the best part about it is that they are telling us ahead of time instead of doing a pop whiz quiz.

Don't we have better things to focus on as a society than punishing pot smokers? Alcohol is 100% more dangerous than the most chronic bubonic out there. Word.

I'm disappointed that weed hasn't been legalized yet, it's not a great commentary on the intelligence of the government. Look at how much $$$$ people spend on alcohol and cigarettes and how much tax revenue that creates. It's so simple it's stupid.

Over and out.
Transmission ended.

a little bitter. okay, a lot.

2010-11-29T23:33:00.000-08:00

Miniature rant:

I'm getting really annoyed that everyone I know is getting pregnant but us.

Most all of them are people that aren't even trying. Accidental pregnancies. Fuckers.

I am the kind of good that is always on the verge of giving into temptation, You are the good that relentlessly resists giving in.

2010-11-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

After a long, rambling 14 years I finally saw your face again. Our previous meeting was for less than 20 minutes. The bulk and depth of our friendship took place during elementary school, we've held on all these years, only speaking once a year or less. For 27 years we were always far away close beside like no other ever was or will be.

Then your mother died.

All of the spaces between us ceased to push us apart and instead pulled us close together. It was more than empathy that wrenched at my heart, more than tears that fell from the clouds in my head, I more than felt you in that moment, I was one with you.

And then, out of the blue you came.

You asked me if I didn't believe it until I laid eyes on you, I felt bad for doubting you and said no, but I lied. I didn't believe you would come. I wished for you.
I wanted so badly to tell you how you have marked me, but I always stumble.
I thought of how I used to love waking up next to you, we always slept in the same bed during sleepovers.
I wanted to crawl in next to you, instead I went to my own bed and reminisced to myself.
You were so cool, you were bright where I was sort of slow to connect, how ironic.
Time has indeed turned the wheel, I am more you and you are more me. Inadvertently we've met in the middle.

My memory fails me in so many ways, so much of it is blurred and dreamy.
I was touched by how you remember me, memories as far back as kindergarten.
You shocked me with some of your stories, I kept quiet, afraid I'd scare you with most of mine.
I was proud of your accomplishments, your insights and your adventurousness.
I feel like there may be a day when I can be completely open with you and that's big.
Your heart is so immense in spite of a life that has been at times tragic.
And you, you never became bitter or closed off.

Instead you armored your heart and loved fiercely.
You fought for the love you deserve and demanded the world show you what had been hidden by an extremely sheltered childhood.

It strikes me as I re-read "Something Wicked This Way Comes" right now, the weather and your appearance are both fitting. Of course I am Jim Nightshade and you are William Halloway. Of course when we ran our hardest and spoke a secret language we too were 13 years old. Of course I remember feeling we were two sides of the same coin. Of course we were exactly the same and completely different never competing- neither one of us wanted to win at the expense of the other losing.

You admitted it scared you how quickly I grew up, as if overnight you said. My developing body set me apart from everyone, I didn't just imagine it. Now, none of that matters. Death, divorce, adventures, miscarriage, insecurities, dreams, life, marriage, spirituality, family. 20 years of history to pick up where we left off. With roughly 24 hours to do it.

We ate desert first, when you are under the gun like that you have to prioritize. It was delicious of course.

I love you.
Thank you for not abandoning me even though I am the most eccentric person you know. Some day I may tell you exactly what that means.

poor me.

2010-11-07T16:59:00.000-08:00

i want someone to write me a love letter.

the kind that gives me insight into who i really am. the me that i can't see because i'm always too focused on my faults. the kind that surprises me, makes me want to smile, cry and make love all at the same time.
i want to be dazzled. i want to be awed.

give me more.
i'll give you some more too, you know i'm awesome like that.

damn you black hockey jesus and your brilliant gloomy wordsmiting, bringing forth so many conflicting emotions and dangerous memories. i am addicted to pouring thru your past posts, the way you write about your family, your angst, your love of language, life & death. i bet you write amazing love letters.

adventure seeking

2010-11-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

Today I want something.

I don't know what it is, yet.

I'm not sure if I will figure out exactly what it is, I think it might be more of an experience than a thing.

I feel like being adventurous, outwardly adventurous.

Not like dreaming up a salty erotic fantasy that denies decency or eating salad without dressing, I want to go out into the world and have an adventure. The way I see it there are only two things stopping me, one is that I don't have the car today. Homeboy took it to work (poor bastard) and my feet, while I am finally able to walk again, are not fit for any kind of a long walk. So, it appears I'll have to stay indoors and have an internal adventure. I'm not quite sure where this will take me today, I bet it's going to be somewhere awesome. I can tell by the fact that I have thus far resisted eating breakfast because it seems too normal, too obvious. Instead of my usual green drink smoothie I just might eat frozen Indian food. Now that's living on the edge. I remember the first time I made a ham, cheese, mayo, chocolate sauce and ranch dressing sandwich. That was living. Am I merely a shell of my former self? Or was I tripping on mushrooms when I made that....can't remember...too many brain cells burned in the interim. (Honestly I think it was just plain ol' maryjane)

I wish I knew if I was pregnant or not...it's days like this I might just throw caution to the wind and have a drink or two, smoke a joint and paint till my fingers bleed. Alright, I'm just saying that... only like, twice ever have I started drinking this early in the day and neither time did it turn out well. It's always when I know I'm not actually going to have an alcoholic beverage that I like to pretend I would if it weren't for such & such. I really am not a drinker. Now, I just might actually smoke that joint I was mentioning....worst thing that could happen as a result is I take a nap. I suppose I've taken naps that felt like adventures....

I wish I had a friend here. I would have them over and we would bust out the henna kit I got last year for my birthday and we'd paint each other up like gypsy sideshow circus performers or play doctor or........ oh, I suppose I haven't had any of those friends for a loooong time. Alas, all the ones I have now are far away raising families with chickens in the yard and fresh bread in the oven. Except for the ones who are still drug addicts. I don't know what their lives look like today because they can't get their shit together to call me.

In my youthful days it was occasions such as this that brought on the idea to pierce myself (and I'm not talking about my ears ;). I was daring and bold and completely unfazed by pain driven by the mad desire to act out and surprise myself. I didn't do it to rebel, my parents were so cool I didn't have anything to rebel against. Other nights I'd experiment with wacky over-the-counter drug combinations to see what would happen. Makes my stomach queasy thinking about it now.

What does the 30-ish me do on days when I need an adventure? I guess we'll just have to see. Maybe I was too hasty in dismissing breakfast....

Just for once

2010-11-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

Y'know, just for once I'd like to watch a show on exotic animals without being reminded that us crappy humans have put them in immanent danger. I know that we have done terrible things to the animals and to the environment. I think about it all the time. I was born guilty, guilty for the racism & slavery, guilty for the environmental disasters that are largely perpetrated by rampant consumerism, guilty for the extermination of exotic animals the world over. There have been many times throughout my life that I have been so paralyzed by guilt and sadness over the state of the world that I wondered if there was any point to live.

And then sometimes I just want to tune it all out. I know everything is fucked up. Who doesn't know this? A night like tonight I just wanted to watch a show about snow tigers. That's all. Yet instead of being a show about snow tigers it is a show about the efforts being made to study and save the snow tigers from extinction. It's depressing and they won't stop berating the world for allowing this to happen, shaking their fingers at all the greedy assholes who have killed them for trophy. Do you think those bastards give a crap that they are wiping out the tigers? No, of course not. Duh.

Now, I'm not a simpleton, I know the reason these stances are taken and what good they can do but could we at least have some documentaries that don't make me want to slit my wrists? Maybe put a warning on the box or something? Damn.

Hypnotists and Bags of Tricks!

2010-11-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

Firstly I want to wish you all a Blessed Samhain!!

It's the Witches' New Year!!!

I've made a few resolutions, same ones I've made for the last few years...I'm a work in progress, what can I say?

Moving on, I've got to give you the scoop (as promised) about the hypnotist. It's an experience I am glad I had I guess though with a bit of research beforehand I could have made the decision to wait and saved myself some $$$. Here's the deal, the guy came over to my house since I was still not able to walk at that point, the guys left for work at the same time he showed up, I figured it would be better this way for the least amount of distraction. What it ended up doing was making me very uncomfortable to lay down and try to become (what I thought was) hypnotized by some stranger alone in my house. I am a paranoid woman, there is no doubt about it. I should have known that I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation. It did occur to me but I talked myself around it. Plus the damn cats were being so obnoxious, it's as though they knew we wanted them to be silent and decided to wreak havoc for cat-ly reasons. Something about not giving a fuck about anyone but themselves. It's their curse and their charm. So be it. Moving on, in closing it was a bust. I wasn't able to fully relax and go thru the layers of meditation as needed to have a past life experience.

Later that night I did some reading about past life regression/ hypnotism and found that it is an entirely different experience than I thought. For one thing you are 100% aware and fully present throughout the entire process. It is basically guided meditation. The person wishing to have the past life experience does nearly all of the work to arrive at the said experience, it isn't something that someone else 'does to you' you do it for yourself and it's best to practice often as it is not an experience one is likely to have on the first go. All things that would have been useful to know before I scheduled the hypnotist.

I practiced that night with a guided mediation video and while I didn't have a past life experience I did feel the sensations that I read I 'should' experience to let me know I have reached the level of relaxation and detachment that is necessary to facilitate the full experience. This gives me hope and also spurs me on to endeavor to instill a meditation practice in my daily routine. Wait, did I say routine? Ha! Who am I kidding? I don't have a routine...though I've dreamt of them over the years and all the things I could get done if I had one. One day...I haven't given up on myself just yet.

A trip to the other side of this life

2010-10-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I posted about my spiritual journey it's difficult to catch up all at once. Instead I'll write about what excites me most right now. I have been reading a series of books by Dr. Michael Newton. The first book is 'Journey of Souls', the second is 'Destiny of Souls' and the third I'm nearly finished with is titled 'Memories of the Afterlife'. It's funny, these books have been sitting on my shelf for YEARS. My mom read them long ago and was amazed by what she read, she ranted and raved about them and insisted that I read them, so she bought them for me and though I was interested I just never did end up picking them up. Fast forward a few years and one day out of the blue I picked up Journey of Souls and started reading it. I read for hours, I couldn't put it down, I was fascinated!!! I finished that one in short order and quickly flew thru the next and luckily my library had the third of which I only have about 10 pages left.

These books have transformed me.
Amazingly they line up with a majority of my core beliefs and nicely fill in the gaps where I had remaining questions, one big one being how karma works. Instead of me reciting in detail what these books are about I would encourage you to go to the link above (highlighted text on Dr. Michael Newton) and browse around the site. He's much better at explaining it than I am.

The short & sweet of it is that Dr. Newton is a Master Hypnotherapist. Dr. Newton discovered a way to regress his clients back even further than their past life recall state into the 'life between lives' level. This is a much deeper level of hypnosis and one in which the client & therapist were able to recall with vivid detail what process souls go through after they have died and before they reincarnate. This work describes in great detail how we process the lessons & information from our life just lived and how we choose our next life. This is a tiny part of what is described by the books, there isn't a question that I could think of that wasn't answered at some point between the three books (mainly the first two- the third follows a different format.)

Astonishingly I have found a therapist where I live who has trained directly with Dr. Newton and is offering the past life regression & life between lives sessions! I have my first appointment for the past life regression this week!! And since I cannot walk he has offered to see me in my home! Hot damn!

For me, the most amazing thing of all is that when one is able to access the higher planes directly you are able to ask the questions that, if answered, could mean all the difference in the world as to why we-personally- are here. What is my life's purpose in this incarnation? How can I better overcome the hurdles that are present so that I may continue my souls evolution? Everyone has their own questions, most are in concern over present day blocks be they creative, spiritual, physical, mental, etc. I cannot wait to compile my list of questions and take this journey to my higher self! What a beautiful thing to experience with our human mind the timeless presence of our soul, our guides, and be able to ask the questions that keep us up at night. The doubts, the fears, the wondering, the dreaming, to have that truth blaze thru the insecurity to facilitate greater knowing!

I want to evolve in this life.
I don't want to muck thru, to merely exist. I know there is more, I know the other side exists, I want to know how to integrate higher learning into my life, to find my life's purpose. I have to find a way to make sense of this mortal life and reconcile that with my spiritual aspirations and beliefs. I must find the harmony between the two. I don't want to continue to feel such bitterness towards humanity, I'm practically a hermit at 32. These books have helped immensely already in enlightening me about the true nature of humanity and the journey of the soul. With each chapter the light bulbs just kept turning on, this work registers on a level that goes deeper to a place where I recognize truths that I have barely had a chance to make sense of with my puny human brain.

I'll let you know how it turns out. I hope in my excitement that I didn't just splash out a bunch of jumblefucked up words that don't really mean anything...I've got wicked cramps and might have gotten a little carried away with my self medication this morning....hooo ha.

I see a red door and I want to paint it black.

2010-10-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Well, after a very long hiatus I have returned. Better than ever. Well, more surly for certain.
I've thought long and hard about where I want to go/ what I want to do with this blog.

I had decided at the onset that this blog would be a place where I could speak openly about my Dedication process & Witchcraft practice since exactly 3 people in my life know I practice (and only one of which knows about this blog.) I felt I needed an outlet for my Witchy blisses & burgeoning experiences while simultaneously seeking some sense of community and comradeship. I figured if fellow Witches were the only ones reading this I should make it about that and that only. I can be so rigid sometimes, it's really annoying.

Additionally, I've always been extremely secretive so that keeps a lot of topics pretty limited. I've been afraid to be real on here, to -as they say- let it all hang out. I'm always afraid of being discovered. I'm anonymous here. I have far too many secrets that will never see the light of day, few that have which I will always regret.
"Why start now?" the invisible reader might ask themselves (if there were indeed anyone reading with an asking sort of nature or inclination.)

I've been inspired.

This post is a love letter of sorts.

I stumbled upon a blog called BHJ.

This guy is one hell of a writer. He's a salty sea dog and a poet all at once and above all what grabbed me is his blatant honesty. I thought, "I must cease at once to be such an insufferable pussy and just fucking go for it." Besides, I've got loads of time on my hands. I'm chilling at home on disability without the use of my feet. Both of them in case you were wondering.

And so, in honor of Mr. BHJ I am outing myself.

10 Fun & Freaky Facts about Esmeralda Bohemian

1. Esmeralda is not my real name. duh.

2. Love smoking pot. Don't drink and have given up all other illicit substances.

3. I hate to disappoint people or otherwise hurt their feelings, I am a people pleaser of ridiculous degrees. Even complete asshole dirtbag shitstains I have a hard time hurting. I'm appalled at myself sometimes. I'm working on this.

4. Lesbian porn is my favorite. This is the best way to completely avoid the possibility of insufferably long, drawn out blow jobs which are, well, insufferable. Plus women are beautiful. Men are mainly utilitarian. In straight male porn anyway :)

5. I cannot drive by a canyon or through a mountain pass without thinking about driving the car over the edge just to feel myself fall and know that I was going to die in an immediate and fiery manner. I imagine the release from this life to be so very sweet in a achy fluttery stomach sort of way. Alas, I love being alive just a bit more so the car stays on the road. Plus everyone would be so disappointed in me.

6. I have been married to a man for a year though we have been together for 15 in total. Love is a battlefield my friends. It aint' no lie. I've got the scars to prove it.

7. In service of secrecy I am often an elaborate liar to all but a very very select few. If you are reading this and you know me than you are one of the few. Small crowd.

8. I knew this surgery would cripple me for months and be horrifically painful but elected to do it all in service of getting away from my job and getting to be at home doing dreamy creative non-at-my-job-things. Pain isn't usually a deterrent for me when I really want something.

9. No one person knows all the 'me's' that exist. Not yet at least.

10. Weed has done more for me than any therapist I've ever seen. Plus it's cheaper and I don't have to make appointments.

I'm contemplating erasing the whole of this blog and starting fresh. Hmmmmm.......

Thank you BHJ, you shook me up and chased me out of my cluttered head with a red hot poker and tremendous words.

a step back

2010-03-30T13:55:00.001-07:00

Hello

It's me, the one who hasn't written on here in what seems like forever!

I've not given up on well, anything that I've been writing about it's just that life has gotten so hectic lately that I've decided I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my stress. I've vowed to do more fun stuff and relax more often. I push myself waaay too hard and it shows. I have never thought of myself as an over achiever since it seems like I rarely achieve much but I have realized that most of my achievements happen on the inside and within my private life/relationships and that's just as valid and every bit as stressful. Especially when it seems like everything is constantly falling apart around me.

So, I'm taking a break. Not for long likely but a break nonetheless.

And so, to leave on a upbeat note, HAPPY SPRING EVERYONE!!

~Blessings~

Imbolc ritual and the big talk

2010-02-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

Last time Swan and I met we had a big talk. The talk was about whether or not I wanted to continue my training. I absolutely do and I sincerely hope that as we go forward the other things in my life that have kept me from dedicating the required amount of time & attention to my year & a day training will have subsided or at least mellowed considerably.

I am hopeful yet realistic.

This will be the year we are planning on getting pregnant so who knows what kind of a monkey wrench that will throw everything into. I am glad that I soldiered on thru this year & a day but was a little sad to think that while I should be preparing for initiation instead we are doing another round of dedicant training. I know I'm not ready. I know I haven't done the work that is required for that kind of leap but I can't help but be a bit bummed. Oh well, I have to keep telling myself that I fought for every single meeting we were able to have this last year and while there were numerous cancellations on both of our parts and many many personal hurdles (for both of us) we still continued. That has to be enough.

On a more positive note, this Sunday Swan and I celebrated Imbolc. A little late, I know, but it was so great to finally have a ritual. It's been a very long time since we had ritual together, I can't actually remember the last time... What I am grateful for tho is that every single time we do I come out of the experience feeling uplifted, happy, excited, calm, a million things all at once, every single one of them is positive. This time we didn't do a formal circle we just collected a few things and sat at the kitchen table. While I love the experience of casting a circle I have found that whenever I am with Swan I get just as much out of the experience without the circle. I've come to understand that the circle is more of a Wiccan construct than a Witchcraft tenet and if push comes to shove I consider myself more of a Witch than a Wiccan.

I digress, back to the ritual at hand ;) After speaking on the significance of Imbolc and taking a moment to soak that experience in we commenced to write down some things we would like to see planted and grow in the year to come. After we were done writing we put our slips into bowls, meditated over them and then I asked the Goddess to show me the way. Show me what was important and what needs the most attention.

The first slip I drew said on it: Have a baby! I grinned from ear to ear. I've been needing all the universal confirmation I can get on this.
The second slip I drew said: Find my joy! To which grinned even wider. Lately as my husband struggles thru his anxiety/panic attack issues I've tried to become even more aware of my stress level and have noticed that I too am very stressed out a lot of the time. I know that most everyone is stressed but I also know that this is not our normal state, it's not right. The Universe wants us to be happy. We aren't meant to suffer endlessly. And now, with that additional confirmation from the universe I'm going to do it. I've got to get myself mellowed out, for myself, my marriage, my impending pregnancy.

It's the right thing to do!

So if you are looking for some sort of universal message to claim your happiness and to find your joy, THIS IS IT!! THE TIME IS NOW!! FIND YOUR BLISS!!!!!!

Hurry up and wait.

2010-01-27T17:25:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about stress a lot lately.

Trying to figure out what my stresses are, how they manifest and how to rid myself of their influence.

One of the things I've pinpointed is that I feel like I'm always in a hurry. And, when I'm not hurrying I feel pressured to get my ass in gear and hurry up. I have to make myself relax and usually end up feeling guilty the whole time. Historically this wasn't an issue for me but these last few of years I've been feeling the pressure. The clock is ticking. I realized one day, I'm not getting any younger. Okay, go ahead and laugh, I am after all only in my thirties but still, it's just now that I've finally figured out who I am, what I want to do with my life and what needs to happen to make it so. While I don't necessarily feel like I wasted my 20's I do feel that all of my aimless wanderings have made it all that much tougher to get my life in order now. I've got a lot of work to do and I feel like I need to make up for lost time. I had something of an extended adolescence ;)

One of the toughest parts of this new found motivation is that I really really need my partner to be on step with me and help me pull this cart & plow this field. Problem is he is dealing with his GAD (general anxiety disorder) and panic attacks so he's not been able to be of much real assistance to me. He cannot handle even the smallest of stresses most days. For years now I've been attempting to juggle all of the responsibilities with more resistance than assistance. I am thankful though that he is finally seeking counseling to help get over this, I just don't know that I could take much more of it.

I see that horizon, I know that it's the direction I want to head in....I just can't seem to get there fast enough. You know those dreams where someone is chasing you but you seem to be running through peanut butter? That's what I feel like every day.

This is the part where I get snappy and resentful towards my husband. I seem to be constantly swimming against the current, getting nowhere fast and he's no help. While I do my best to understand what he is going through I have to work double (okay, quadruple) time to not be outwardly angry towards him. Lately his panic attacks have reached epic proportions and it's been more difficult than usual. I decided to take a different tack with him though. In order to heal my resentful/angry heart I've decided that when I feel like slapping him instead I will channel that into being twice as nice to him. Instead of saying something snappy or seething I'll offer to do something nice for him or say something nice about him. Most times it feels like it helps, other times....not so much.

I have been noticing a shift in him though which is surprising. It seems that he is finally able to see how hard a lot of this has been on me. He's offering to help out a bit here & there too. It's baby steps but I have to believe that it's going to continue to get better, it just has to.

I never used to consider myself a patient person, perhaps this is the Universes' way of teaching me patience...right?

Home again, home again

2010-01-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

I had the most lovely time visiting my grandmother.

It was also the most relaxing vacation I've ever had. Thank the Goddess!!!

The key to having a relaxing vacation for me is that I have to go by myself . Constantly worrying about someone else- are they having a good time? are they feeling left out? I guess I better do this/that or they'll be mad. Admittedly my inability to curb my people pleasing problem is in actuality my problem and something that needs to be remedied, for my sanity, but- this was not the time or the place for that. I needed to go and be by myself for a bit.

Being by myself with my grandmother & her broken wing was also very conducive to non-stop relaxation since she was more than content to sit in her chair and read/snooze/chat/snack. And that is exactly what we did. Typical me, I had a whole list of things I had hoped to do while I was there, I wanted her to teach me how to do this & that, do a stitching project or two, work out a little every day, in essence a plan to get the most out of my time off before I had to leave and in the end we didn't really end up doing any of them. Thankfully I'm okay with that. I'm driven but also able to accept when things aren't fitting together the way I micromanaged it. I just chilled out and let it be and rode the wave- or more appropriately the couch.

I read Amy Lowell's poetry by the fire as all the women (two of my aunts live with her) of the house snoozed, I wrote in my journal (for the first time in a VERY long time), I read two whole fiction books back to back!! Both books were beautiful, haunting, imaginative and had very unique perspectives/stories. The first book is titled 'The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters' by Gordon Dahlquist and the other was titled 'The Lace Reader' by Brunonia Barry. I practiced my mindlight meditation a bit, I drew some cards from my tarot deck & documented them in my tarot journal, I napped, I ate food that was very bad for me, I watched my grandmother nap- studying the lines on her face, I got the stories behind various pieces of memorabilia. I barely got on the computer at all (so slow it was not worth it) and basically just dropped out of the world for 9 glorious days. It was so very nice.

I was so secluded that on the last day when I began to pack my bag back up everything that I had run away from flooded back to me and I instantly got a headache. How's that for a mind/body connection? Blech. I am hopeful however. Hopeful instead of completely overwhelmed like I was when I left.

I know we will get through this just as we have everything else that has come our way. I haven't talked much about what's been going on with my husband lately because I've never quite figured out how to talk about other people in my life without 'outing' them on the internet- especially when it's something that is not altogether positive. I would prefer for the time that all the characters in this play remain as anonymous as can be. We are up to our noses with a chronic anxiety condition with major panic attacks and instead of it getting better when I left as I had hoped he has gotten worse. He will finally be going into psychiatric treatment starting this wednesday and I hope and pray continually for his healing and for my sanity. If any of you suffer from this horrible issue I feel for you from the bottom, top & middle of my heart, same for any of you who have someone in your life who is afflicted with this- it's hard on us too, the supporters, the anchors. For 10 years now we have been dealing with this and I've done all I can do. Thankfully we have insurance that includes counseling so we're finally going for it. He's ready to accept that this isn't going away on it's own and though there are times that are more mellow than others overall it's creeped into his daily life with an alarming consistency for the last year and it's time to get over it.

One day at a time.

~Count Your Blessings~

2010-01-05T19:02:00.001-08:00

Today I am very grateful.

I'm grateful that I am able to go and spend some quality time with my grandmother. One might notice a theme to the last handful of posts, family family family. We've had some hard losses this year and while I'm sad that it had to be under these circumstances I would have to say that we've been putting some extra special effort into being close to our loved ones.

My grandmother took a nasty spill yesterday and I am blessed to have a job where I am given paid vacation days and am able to afford a ticket so I am going to take a handful of days off and go and be with her while she is on the mend. When I called to tell her I was coming I could hear pure joy in her voice, she perked up big time, it was adorable. I intend on having her help me learn how to make bread, make a pie crust, be a better embroiderer (she's the one who taught me in the first place!) and hopefully how to operate a sewing machine. We'll see though, she's not known for her patience but it might be that she's mellowed out a bit more these days...I'm not getting my hopes up...we'll just see what happens. Another thing I have to make sure we work on is a memory box that I bought her a little over a year ago. Hallmark put out these sets called Memory Boxes, I believe they were designed by Marcia Cross (of Desperate Housewives) and they were pretty cool. They are hard to find now, Hallmark quit carrying them for some reason but now and again you can find them on Ebay. They have a book with questions and a mini tape recorder, a little album and so forth. I really want her to give me as much memories of her & my late grandfather as she can.

It is unfortunate that it takes getting older sometimes to appreciate our elders and the lives they have lived. I wish I had asked more questions as a child, been able to learn more things from her. I wish I knew something of my parent's grandparents but they were gone long before I was a glimmer in the gloaming. I want my baby to know their great grandparents but it does not seem that we will be granted that opportunity. I'll collect as much info as I can before we bid them farewell.

Back at it!

2010-01-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

Wow.

So, it's practically been forever since I last posted. What can I say? The holidays are brutally busy. Especially this year as I had my family coming to town to stay and wasn't able to get prepared as soon as I would have liked due to another death in the family and a cold. It's been quite a one-two punch for my husband this year having just lost his mother in Sept. and now losing his first grandparent on Dec. 23rd. And of course we all know that when something like that happens to your spouse it happens to you too. We must always support our other half, bolster them and shoulder the weight of daily life until they are able to rejoin the activities. All in all he & his family are doing okay, Christmas was hard but we knew it would be.

Christmas nearly didn't happen for me as my parents were driving and would have to go thru what was predicted to be one of the most brutal storms in many many years. They called to say they had heard the highways were going to be closed and they weren't going to make it. I poured myself a cocktail, settled into a movie and pouted.
That night when I went to sleep I expected to awaken to a winter wonderland, instead the sky was clear and the sun was shinning. My phone was also ringing....they were on the road!! Turns out the storm dissipated and they were able to get going anyway! They made it in good time and were all safe & sound on Christmas day. We celebrated the next day so everyone would be able to relax and be ready for it instead of just rushing thru to be able to celebrate it on Christmas day exact.

This wasn't the relaxing vacation I had been looking forward to ( I ended up having to work a few extra days) but it was nice and it's always great to see family even when that includes a surly brother who doesn't seem to enjoy my company. Oh well.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday and were surrounded by love and comfort~

I'm getting some plans together to start some intensive work surrounding meditation and manifestation so there will be details soon!

It just goes on and on and on

2009-11-20T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well, I really didn't want this blog to end up being all about me & my health problems but that's what I'm dealing with right now so I guess that's all I've got to talk about.

To relate my health issues to my year & a day training I do remember when I was still visiting with a coven I was considering for training, they stressed over and over that once you take on this training be aware that your life will change in very dramatic ways and that you must be ready for the transformation and welcome it or you will not be happy with the turn of events you will find yourself in. I knew at the time that I signed on for this training that I was ready for my life to change, I was ready to be new and different and that shrugging off my old self was the only way I was going to survive. My mental weaknesses as well as my physical weaknesses were hindering me on every plane- celestial as well as physical. The death of my old self continues to be a struggle and I continue to fight my way through this transformation. I believe that as the wheel turns and I come closer to having completed my year & a day training that I have moved closer to my rebirth.

The day after I returned from visiting Solomon I became very very ill, I passed out at work and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. (nothing quite like having a total meltdown in front of a decent number of people you work with and having the entire facility find out about it) It was horrible, the pain itself, the cold hospital room, my husbands worried face, the pain of the IV, the tests and the waiting, the condescending nature of my doctor who looked like he was younger than me by a few years (who also incidentally was chewing gum throughout our discussions all the while making faces every time I would use the word homeopathic) and since I've become much more sensitive to what is in medicines and now that I know I have to make sure I'm not exposed to aluminum or sugar I was so scared that after just returning I was already re-exposed to either of them and this 2nd detox was all for nothing.

I don't know for certain if I was re-exposed, the nurses/doctors themselves didn't know for sure if either of those things were ingredients in what I was given and seemed incredulous and annoyed that I should care. One of my nurses was amazed that I chose to decline any pain medication until the results of my pregnancy tests came back- I was pretty certain I wasn't but if you are about to be shot up with morphine isn't it a good idea to be sure?

Dealing with the ignorance surrounding my health issues and my choice of treatment has been difficult to say the least. So after just returning from being gone for two days and using up my last days of vacation to see Solomon I only made it through one day of work and then missed the next two due to my little episode of vasovagal syncope with accompanying migraine. So to hope that I might be allowed to work some sort of deal with my work around trying to get back to see Solomon in two weeks was a vain hope indeed. My boss practically laughed at me when I asked. His reply was, "there are a lot of doctors around here, why don't you try to see someone local?" Duh!! Seriously? What an idiotic question. Like I don't know there are doctors where I live? I wanted to leap across his desk and slap the shit out of him. I got the same reaction from the next two people I had to talk to about the possibility with just to make sure I had my bases covered. It was a resounding NO. So, that was tailspin #3.

To recap, #1. Solomon says the detox did not work, I am, in fact, not a brand new woman as promised. #2. The day after returning I am rushed to the ER and pumped full of all kinds of pain medications to which I do not know the ingredients and which also caused a massive migraine that lasted for 15 hrs. #3. I will not be allowed to float vacation days from next year to allow me to go back to see Solomon to see if this detox is over and I can find out what the hell else is wrong with me and address that so I can FINALLY MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE!!!.

It's such a slippery slope. I am, finally, feeling much better though. I'm noticing a lot of positive changes in my body this week. My energy level is rising, I'm sleeping better, my hair has stopped falling out, my skin problems seem to be clearing up nicely, I've lost 6lbs. in the last few days and mentally I feel more alert and not so easily overwhelmed.

I still haven't decided definitively what I am going to do about when/if I'm going to go ahead and go off of the detox diet once my 15 days are up. I'll continue to do many of the things that I'm doing now just because they are much healthier anyway but I would like to be able to eat out one of these days and with the holidays coming I'm hosting Christmas at my house and I want to be able to cook food for my family that doesn't have quite so many restrictions. I have vowed to go gluten free whenever possible, I will never buy aluminum foil again, I will not be cooking with white sugar or white flour and I will very rarely if ever eat processed food again. It's just that there are these Godiva truffles sitting on my desk (a gift that was ironically given to me the first day I started my detox) that I would LOVE to have just at least ONE of!!! It's the holidays for goodness sake!! There's delicious food all around me!! It's torture!! We had our company thanksgiving dinner yesterday and I sat in my cubicle and tried not to pout-even though I knew someone had brought pumpkin creme pie- and eat my beef soup. This girl be gettin' cranky.

Oh well, I tell myself, it's all part of the process I suppose.

Back from visiting Solomon

2009-11-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

I returned from seeing my holistic practitioner in Indiana this morning with the results of my metals/yeast detox.

Unfortunately the results weren't good.

He told me that when I first went to see him my aluminum level was at a level 8 on a scale of 1-10 and on Tuesday when he saw me I was a 5. The answer I was looking for was 0.

No such luck.

As I was preparing to go see him I thought that something was wrong because he had told me that when I got down to a 0 the aluminum would be gone and the yeast would be gone as well and that I would feel completely different and the change would be dramatic. Well, while I do feel a little bit better I certainly do not feel like the brand new person he had proclaimed I would be. So, I have to follow the protocol for another 15 days and then we'll see what's up.

He said that the yeast had not been eliminated due to the ever present levels of aluminum. The best part is that because my aluminum level was not as high as before he was able to rapid detox the remaining metals out of my system and I am now testing at a 0 level. This should ensure that the protocol does it's good work and I should be all good in 15 more days.

At first I was so bummed and very discouraged and then my mom pointed something that got my attention. With the knowledge that I wasn't feeling any better if he had told me that the yeast/metals were indeed all out of my system that would have been the worst thing of all because then it would mean that either he was wrong and that wasn't my problem all along or that there was some other horrible disease/problem lurking that I would then have to deal with.
So, I will forge ahead.
Boldly going where no sugar, vinegar, white flour, mushrooms, alcohol, and processed foods go. There I'll be.

Thank you to everyone for all of your support and encouragement!!
I'll keep you all updated as this saga unfolds ;)

who knew?

2009-11-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

Is this baby pain ever going to relent?

Why is it that I'm constantly struck by this longing?

My whole life I never thought I wanted to be a mother then in my 30's I get pregnant, get used to the idea (and actually get very excited) and then lose the baby and now it's on my mind all the freakin' time (it's been a little over a year since we lost her.)

A co-worker just had a baby today and I had to go buy a card and will be picking out the company gift... it's like a hundred needles poking into my heart at the same time.

I have to keep telling myself that it's just not the right time for us, most especially because of my health.

I'm trying not to live in the future but it's so very difficult.

Sigh.

It's the Final Countdown!

2009-11-02T17:22:00.001-08:00

One more week until I go back to Solomon and see if this detox has gotten rid of the systemic yeast.

I can't freaking wait.

I'm so nervous I'm going to screw this up, I've been having dreams where I'll be eating something and really enjoying it and then out of the blue I'll realize it has sugar and I can't have sugar and now I've ruined the whole thing and I've already bought plane tickets and what am I going to do now, how could I have screwed this all up.....blah blah blah. You get the point. I'm so freaked out that I've inadvertently messed this detox up. I pray to all that is holy that is not the case because friends, I HAVE SUFFERED FOR THIS!! (my husband & roommate will tell you they've suffered as well, and it's true, sorry!)

Last week was not nearly as bad as the first (the week we dubbed 'trial run' see previous post for details) week without sugar. All in all I've had 3 migraines and a ton of long running headaches. Not to mention the insomnia, the stomach aches, my neck muscles seizing up, the intense cranky-ness- the moodiness all around has been epic. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry over greeting cards in the grocery store. Help me! Yikes....

This week I've got high hopes that there won't be anymore headaches but then again what if that means that it's not working as well as it should? I've had the mentality throughout this detox that I would have to suffer because that would be my indication that the nasty ol' yeasties and metals were on their way out. I've read that it's likely to be the most intensely horrible thing ever. I have suffered, not anything I don't go through regularly, just a lot more intense and all crammed together in a short period of time. All while having to go to work. I did have to leave for one of the migraines, they tend to frown on you throwing up in your cubicle...hmph.

I have to say that a new little insidious fear has creeped in, I have to wonder what Solomon is going to be able to see going on in here when this is gone and he is able to do a more intense body scan. I guess we'll just have to see. I sincerely hope I'll be able to move forward and just concentrate on a good diet & exercise regime....no more medicines or strict dietary restrictions....
(please, please, please, please, please, please, please)

It's amazing how many things contain sugar. One of the most surprising and most irritating is beef broth. BEEF BROTH OF ALL THINGS!!! Geez...it's tough. Go ahead and cut out flour too and see where that gets you! No stew without flour, damn. And while I may be able to substitute something for it let's just say I gave that whirl last week and those meals were uh, hmmm, well, practically inedible. This week looks to be going better just because I stopped trying to adapt recipes to work without my list of 'without ingredients' and just went plain and simple. Chicken veggie soup. Pretty basic. And it turned out amazingly well. I also made a beef veggie soup, bell peppers stuffed with hash browns & seasoned hamburger, Oriental spicy orange chicken and habanero hamburger patties w/ some AMAZING cheese I got from Whole Foods (it's called 'seaside cheddar' if you want to know and it's TO DIE FOR!!!)

Swan & I haven't been able to coordinate our schedules for the year & a day class for quite some time now but it was great to meet up with her this weekend and just hang out and have fun. It's been a bit of a slippery slope for her I think trying to figure out how to be my mentor and be my friend at the same time. Not knowing me she wasn't sure how that would work and if I would take advantage or if it would hinder her ability to be a teacher when there is a tough truth to be told. I think we've got that worked out though and I personally don't see any issue. I'm so blessed to have her as my friend, I wanted to hang out with her the first time I met her, I guess you could say I had a friend crush~ I could just see all the cool things we could do together, all the things we had in common, all the stuff she knows how to do that I want to learn to do, she made me excited to have friends again and that hadn't happened for me for a long time. (with the exception of my newest friend, Giggly) I've been pretty solitary these last couple of years.

On Sunday we met at her house and went sale shopping for the day- let me clarify- DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN SALE SHOPPING!!!!(okay, clearly I've got a problem with too many !!!'s, sorry, I'll calm myself now...) That's the best kind of shopping, well, next to the sales that happen right after Christmas. The part that makes it so radicool is that I love Halloween decorations and the costume shops always put all of their shoes on sale and this year I splurged and got two pair. I got a pair of knee high lace up platform black boots and a pair of black platform mary jane shoes. Whoo hooo! I also found some fantastic faux vintage Halloween stuff which I'll have to take some pics of and post.

Oh, and I haven't given up with the idea of doing some sort of a blog make-over I just haven't done enough research to figure it out...I don't want to ask anyone I know personally to help me because no one knows about this blog and I'd like to keep it that way (how else can I bitch, I mean vent, about my life without drama?)

missing pieces

2009-10-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling the urge to write poetry again lately but while the urge is there the words are not. They're all tangled up and stuck. I know from experience that writing is like a muscle that needs to be exercised in order to be strong and ready which I haven't been doing. I'm impatient like that, I just want it to be there at my whim (and it'd be nice if it were brilliant while I'm wishing..) It's been so long since I've done a creative project (aside from my BOS) like painting or sewing or collage or sculpture...I'm missing it is all I guess.

Today I want life to be different, more simple. I guess that is ultimately what we're working towards it all just feels so horribly uncertain and stressful. I've got to hone my witchy skills so I can conjure up my dream life and manifest it into this life. Some days I'm just blue no matter what. I want to disappear, travel, create, cry, roam free and wild without restraint. I miss a memory that I don't even have. A time when I was wild, when I was free. When relationships weren't blemished by insecurities and secrets. When I felt connected to nature and was fearless.
When I was strong, sexual, vibrant and healthy. I miss things I've never known.

sigh.

2009-10-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

October is nearly over. boo.

This is my favorite month and it seems like yet again this year I've got too much stuff going on to have a real true Samhain celebration. I've been wanting to get an ancestor altar put together for my house and have people over for the last three years. Time just moves too fast. Maybe next October...

I do think I'll be joining Swan at her house for a Samhain ritual though, should be fun except that we are doing it during the day which seems....wrong I guess, Samhain rituals are for darkest night! I guess I'll take what I can get at this point~

Whew!

2009-10-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm happy to report that last week is over.

The best part?

My week long headache that was punctuated by two migraines is done and gone!! Good riddance!

I'm so happy to be rid of that horrible pain, I feel like a brand new person!
Today is the first day of following Solomon's actual protocol and I'm happy to be well on my way. I feel like we spent the last week working all the kinks out and now we're really ready to make this happen. I ate a few things I shouldn't have last week (besides the food I made that had the sugar in the spices) such as canned pears from the farmer's market- why in the world did they add sugar to them? I thought for sure it was just plain fruit juice in there but apparently he puts some sugar in there, I was smart enough to ask when I went back this saturday. I didn't knowingly go outside of the diet though and for me that is what counts. No cheating at all! (Despite all of the screaming in my brain every time I would pass something sweet at the grocery store) Now I know what's what and I'm determined to avoid all sugar for these next two weeks. One tiny bit of sugar or I'm guessing any of the other foods to avoid on the list will be devastating. The yeast will survive on the tiniest bit of any of the forbidden foods and I'll be fit to be tied if I go all the way back to Indiana to see Solomon and he tells me the detox didn't work and I've still got it. But, I'm thinking positively and am just sure we'll get this licked.

I think my body has gone through the worst of it with the drastic (99.5%) reduction in sugars and all aspirin related products. I know it's hard on my brain to be cut off of it's nearly daily supply of aspirin type products but I also know from past experience that cutting off such high doses of said medicine from your blood stream will cause 'rebound headaches.' This term was new to me till last year when I read about it and decided to experiment. I went three days without any type of Excedrin or whatever and had THE WORST HEADACHE!!!! It was immediate and it was horrible. That time I wasn't really set on quitting it forever so I just gave in on the third day and used some Excedrin and within about 10 minutes the headache was completely gone. Hmmmm, funny how that works, eh? It was clear to me that I was dependant on it. Now I've gone through the sugar shakes and am past the rebound headache so maybe from here on out will be smooth sailing. (Crossing fingers...)

I was also miraculously able to do some more work on my Book of Shadows (& accompanying books) this weekend!! I'm at the crafty part where I'm picking out the different papers for the chapter breaks- I LOVE PAPER CRAFTS!!!! With the popularity of scrap booking I've been able to find the most amazing papers, it's like Christmas every time I go to the craft store. This weekend I was able to scoop up a couple of packets of mixed paper that are just divine and one of them was 40% off while the other was 50% off!! Double score!

It occurs to me I should start putting some pictures up on here. Nearly every blog I read has pictures and I think it would make a big difference. I'm not entirely sure how to do that however...also, if the picture isn't mine then how do I handle that? Do I just have to give credit for it somewhere? I better google for some blogging pointers, now that I've finally made it a priority to write on here and it seems as if there are actual real people reading (hello real people!!) I should make an effort to dress it up a bit. If anyone has suggestions that would be swell, I'm not a very computer savvy kinda gal..

Day 2

2009-10-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I have a couple things of note to mention, my metals/yeast detox isn't going so well.

The worst part is that I sabotaged myself.

Last night after we got home from work I was noticing my body and paying attention to what felt different. I've read many times that with this sort of detox (most any detox likely) one will feel a lot worse before they feel better and so I wanted to tune in and see what was going on. All day I'd been feeling a light irritation, just feeling.....well, irritable. As the day turned to night and it got later the irritation got worse and I felt a kind of nervous energy as well as a headache that was getting more and more intense as the minutes ticked by. I told myself that this was normal and it meant that the detox was working.

Then came the kick to the stomach, my husband was looking at the spices to see what was acceptable to put in his chili since it wasn't spicy enough. (What a trooper he is doing this with me! Well, he didn't really have a choice since if I have it it's likely he does too and he could pass it back to me if he doesn't cleanse his system properly, damn yeast!!) Anywho, he picked up one of the spices I had used extensively in TWO of the dishes I had prepared for the week and said, "oh, guess I can't use this cause it has sugar in it." My heart sank and tears sprang to my eyes (oh, have I mentioned I'm so overly sensitive that I can hardly stand myself?) and I dramatically boo-hoo'd about how it was all a waste and that I wouldn't be able to start the protocol for another whole week. After I mellowed out a bit I decided it was time to take my pills for the day and that I would just continue on as I had and extend the protocol for an extra week instead of quiting all together.

It was then that the kick to the head came- I noticed in big bold letters on the acidophilus bottle that it was supposed to be refrigerated. I hadn't put it in the fridge, it had been about a month since I bought the stuff. What the hell? I bought the new cookware, read the books, tailored my cooking, everything!! And now it was all falling apart, well, mostly I was falling apart. I felt defeated and very sorry for myself.

I decided to check the mail and see if Solomon had gotten back to me with a day/time for my follow-up appointment. He had.

There are no more appointments left open for 2009.

He stated that I was welcome to show up for a tues/weds and be on 'stand by' and he would try to squeeze me in in between people. I seriously thought I was going to lose it at this point. I have to fly and rent a car and pay for hotel rooms to make this happen and just hanging out for two days waiting to be seen seemed very expensive and also pretty shaky. What if he wasn't able to see me? I only have two days of PTO left, I can only go and wait to be seen for one day. Plus I was supposed to be traveling with other people who wanted to see him as well, what about them?

This was getting to be all too much so I decided to go read some of my favorite blogs and clear my mind. What I ended up finding was so significant and so interesting I just had to share. And just maybe this will mean something to you too as you make your way through this new moon.
I know it made me feel better. This information comes from Owl's Wings blog on the blessings of the new moon in Libra.

Astrologer Lynn Hayes writes, "this New Moon forms a trine to the Chiron/Neptune conjunction, so there is the potential for a cascade of beautiful and soulful healing energy (Chiron/Neptune) that clears the way for the new beginning of the New Moon. (sounds good huh? pretty auspicious beginning!!)

And the kicker:
“However,” she continues, “the New Moon (the conjunction of the Sun and Moon) forms a square to the lunar nodes, suggesting that we will be tested.

All is not lost however:
In addition, another astrologer, Theodore White, tells us: “By the time of the positive October 18th New Moon in Libra, the favorable energies will allow most people to begin to make significant gradual progress deep into the fall season after the delays and frustrations of September and early October.

Okay, so I seem to be right on track with Luna, healing and being tested at the same time during this new moon in Libra. I managed to pull myself together and decided that I am going to pass this test, I am committed to my health. I am also looking forward to the 'significant gradual progress' that needs to take place in my life and with my health. So, although I loathe the thought I'm adding an additional week to my detox. I'm not going off diet and consuming those sweet sugars I crave. Damn.

Oh well, anything worth having is worth working for, right?

I am not happy but I guess this is the gauntlet. Onward and upward.

Transformation

2009-10-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering how to continue to write within this blog about my life and what I'm going through without getting too heavy handed with the health stuff. I really want this to be a space where I explore my progress through my year & a day training and how it affects my life.

Problem is, my health is primarily what I'm dealing with right now and my first thought is that I've not been working so diligently on my year and a day studies these last few months and that's far more interesting.

Upon further contemplation I realized that in fact I really am doing my spiritual work. Every day. And some may say the most important kind. The mental work. As I move through this personal transformation I am changing entirely. It's not just my physical health that is going through an overhaul it's my mind, my heart and my soul as well.

When I was younger I was intrigued and inspired by the Zen philosophy and would have to point to Zen as my first touchstone for conscious thinking/living. And now I strive to incorporate my Zen philosophy with magickal thinking. I strive to curb negative thought patterns, I talk with the Goddess, I notice details about whatever it is that I'm doing- appreciating patterns, colors, textures, tastes, smells, I direct positive healing energy into my projects and seal it with a pentagram. These changes in thought have been especially helpful in the realm of housekeeping and cooking.

While I know for a fact that I function much better in a clean, well organized home I find I have a tendency to get resentful if I feel like I'm the only one working and everyone else is playing. Which is pretty much always the case at my house. And despite all of my prodding (nagging) this isn't likely to change as it's not as important to anyone else as it is to me. Plus, this is something I've been working on my attitude towards because I know it's only going to get worse once we have a baby!! (I can just hear the legions of mothers out there nodding in agreement) and I don't want to be the eternally pissy mother/wife. Ideally I want to create a loving, nurturing, inspired & magickal home that I am happy and proud to be a part of and where people genuinely enjoy themselves.

So I am alternately working on changing my negativity to positivity and learning how to let go of some things. While I prefer a well kept house it just isn't possible right now. The cost is just too high. When I don't let go my relationship with my husband suffers, my stress levels are thru the roof (which in turn affects my health), and in the end not much more gets done so I'm still behind and everyone is super pissed off all the time and I'm working my ass off. Lose-lose.

All of my life I thought I wanted to be a globe-trotting gypsy without a care, without a commitment, nothing to tie me down. I thought about what jobs would facilitate such a lifestyle and went in that direction. Bit by bit I've grown and changed and realized that I don't want to float, I've done that and I'm tired of it, that I need a solid home base and I want a family to grow with and a community to belong to. I am realizing also that crafting a home and a family is not separate from my spirituality, it is a huge part of it. All areas of my life are touched by my spirituality, even my job (which is where I need to do the most work with negativity and such).

I feel that I have been given an opportunity. To see what is important and to go for it. I've been given a diagnosis- FINALLY- and can now begin to heal my body. I've found a mentor who is willing to guide me along my year & a day training, I've got a job that has enabled me to go through all of these transformations while being financially supported, I have family and a husband who support me (in their own ways....), I am ready to shed this outer shell and become who I truly am. It's spectacularly exciting. I'm awfully impatient with myself so it often feels like I'm always pushing for more while experiencing results slowly but that's all part of the process I suppose. I'm trying to be kinder to myself also.

Each day now I'm moving closer. She's in there. The one that has only seen glimpses of manifestation. Clearer and brighter the real me is awakening and I'll never be the same.

Thank the Goddess.

The rollercoaster comes to a halt

2009-10-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

We're recovering.

Life has begun to move steadily forward again instead of in drastic ups and downs. Of course we are still grieving the loss of my mother-in-law but the sharp sting has dissipated. I think it's a little different also for us because she had sooo many major health problems for so long and there were so many times that she went into surgeries that we weren't sure she would survive. We know that the last 12 years we had with her were miracle years, we could have lost her long ago after her first massive brain surgery. The upcoming holidays will be difficult indeed, I'm not thinking about that right now tho, just living for today. All I know is that there are finally good days again, it's not gloomy from start to finish.

I've begun to resume my spiritual studies as well after a long pause. I haven't had any time for myself outside of my responsibilities, caring for my husband, paying bills, cleaning, cooking & working of course. And, additionally, getting things in place to begin my yeast/metals detox diet which is proving to be quite the process. We had to order all new pots & pans as ours were calphalon and contain an aluminum core. Researching recipes has been work as well- once you cut out all sugars- including fructose the pickin's get a little slim. Soups are easy but man/woman cannot live on soup alone and I most certainly don't want to get burnt out on soup this early into the Autumn/Winter season!! Breakfasts & entrees are the toughie. I think I've got some stuff lined up though and after the farmer's market this saturday I'll retire to the kitchen where I'll put my new cookware to the test. Solomon thinks I will be amazed at how differently I feel once we've got all this under control, I am so excited for my new healthy me. A boost in my energy levels would sure be fantastic, I'm so tired all the time I just can't seem to do anything outside of work and the bare essentials.

Last night I finally got all of my 'work' out and started separating everything out into the different binders for my elaborate Book of Shadows project. I think I mentioned this previously but I'm going to have one big main BOS and then there will be three smaller accompanying volumes and one binder for my year & a day studies as well as the seeker classes I took with a different coven. I made massive headway last night and am primed to get moving forward again.

I'm also gathering materials & information for my flash card projects. Firstly I think I'm going to construct some cards to help me learn the standard Rider/Waite deck. Recently I've been working with my Osho Zen tarot deck and have been continuously awed by the insight that deck brings to me. I'll have to get more into that some day....I have to say though that it has been an amazing tool. I really would like to know more about the traditional tarot, even if I ultimately stick with the Osho Zen deck it's still something every proper Witch should know!

Anyone else made flashcards before? Any tips or pointers?
I'm always open to suggestions!!

Update on healing

2009-10-13T14:18:00.000-07:00

For the first time I feel hopeful. Returning from my visit with Solomon Wickey I've got a 'diagnosis' and hope.

Hope that I can get my life back. And the thing about it is that I don’t even know what to expect to get out of life considering that it is likely I’ve had this problem in at least small degrees since I was born.

The culprit?

Yeast and aluminum.

Seems silly. Seems inconsequential. When the healer told me that my body was overrun by yeast and aluminum I was relieved. This was my problem? No big deal. He didn’t smile back at me. He looked at me very seriously and in a grave tone of voice told me that this was very serious and was indeed life threatening. I was confused. I’ve never heard of someone dying because of yeast or aluminum.

Upon arriving home from my trip to see said healer I began to investigate just what yeast and aluminum can do to the human body. I was, well, am stunned. There it all was. Every strange seemingly unconnected malady I’ve been experiencing as far back as I can remember. I’ve had so many ah-ha! moments I feel like I’m in shock. Solomon suggested a diet to rid myself of the heavy metals build up as well as the systemic yeast and some herbs to support my system while I detox. From what I’ve read about what happens when you start killing off all of this rampant bad yeast it can be horribly painful and make you very very sick (mycotoxins). I think I should be okay with the support of the herbs and even if I do have to suffer through it I have to believe that nothing is worse than a lifetime of continuing as I have.

There is a wealth of information on systemic poisoning from both of these (yeast & aluminum) culprits all over the web. Yet ever single doctor I’ve seen for the last 22 years has missed the mark every time. Oftentimes prescribing me medications that have exacerbated my core issue of aluminum poisoning/systemic yeast. The headaches I began experiencing at age 9 weren’t normal. The muscle aches, joint pain, fatigue, memory loss, blurred vision, I could go on and on, but suffice to say- these things aren’t normal but the doctors told us that it was hormonal and I was just an early bloomer and not to worry everything would sort out as I got older. Only it didn’t. It all just got worse and worse.

For over 10 years now I’ve lived with a secret fear that I have a fatal disease. I’ve experienced health problems since I was very young but it’s been within the last 10 years that I’ve really started to be afraid of what was going on with my body. On the few occasions in my adult life that I’ve had healthcare and was able to afford the co-pay (insert argument for universal health care) I went to doctors with my fears and frantically tried to find the root, find out what was going on. Nothing. Not even a guess. I obtained a copy of my medical chart from one of my last docs and was shocked to see the word ‘hypochondriac’ written in the notes section.

Within the last year it's gotten the worst it's ever been. My hair got drastically more thin and my skin has been horrible, I started experiencing sycope (passing out for no reason at all) and have headaches weekly.

And now, within 5 min. an Amish man by the name of Solomon Wickey has changed my life and given me hope that I can be better than I have ever dreamed.
Everything I’ve read about systemic yeast and aluminum poisoning rings true. Now I know. I finally know how to heal myself.

Now for a quick tutorial of yeast overgrowth symptoms & links:

There are some differences between the symptoms/diseases that manifest in women as opposed to men with systemic yeast overgrowth, some of the issues pertaining to women;

“One of the most well known forms of yeast is the vaginal yeast infection. However, it may play a role in just about any mental health condition or chronic illness you can think of. Yeast overgrowth is considered to be a leading contributor in alcoholism, anxiety disorders, asthma, IBS- irritable bowel syndrome, addisons disease, MCS- multiple chemical sensitivites, crohns, autism, CFS- chronic fatigue syndrome, leaky gut syndrome, pms, endometriosis, FMS- fibromyalgia syndrome, prostatitis, ADD-attention deficit disorder, multiple sclerosis, asthma, food allergies, muscle and joint pain, clinical depression, repeated urinary tract infections, hormonal imbalances, migraines, digestive disturbances, difficult menopause, psoriasis, lupus, chronic pain, tourette's, vulvodynia, rheumatoid arthritis and many more.”

And for men;

“Common candida symptoms in males that don't fall under an actual disorder label may consist of irritability, cognitive difficulties, depression, inability to concentrate, fatigue, restlessness, anxiety, forgetfulness, diarrhea, constipation, headaches, frequent stomach aches, indigestion, heartburn, excessive shyness or feelings of being self-conscious, rashes and many more. Males with candida tend to get these labels: chronic prostatitis, hyperactive, learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, conduct disorder, anger or rage disorders, alcoholic, drug addict, anti-social disorder, autism.

Please take the time to review some of the links to the articles I am providing that I feel have some valid information on the subject and see if you or someone you love is experiencing these problems. I absolutely believe that if I had ever stumbled upon any of this information years ago I would have recognized myself in these lists of symptoms and would have taken steps to rebalance the yeast in my system and cut out my exposure to aluminum as best I could.

These are by no means the definitive sources of information on the topics of systemic yeast overgrowth and/or aluminum poisoning, this is just what I have found so far and found to be informative. The book listed below has been the most extensive source so far.

Below is a great book that I am making my way through outlining a phase diet that helps to ease one into the yeast rebalancing diet. Has a ton of information, a bit overwhelming but the fact that the diet is done in phases is helpful and there is a lot of information on how to support your body thru this change.
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Candida-Yeast-Guidebook-Revised/dp/0761527400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255040267&sr=8-1

Link to aluminum free cookware that is very affordably priced, read the descriptions for each piece or set carefully, some of them do contain aluminum but most do not. Recommended by Solomon:
http://www.realcook.com/

One of the most comprehensive websites discussing systemic yeast, be sure to click on the different tabs on the left side for more information
http://www.yeastinfectionadvisor.com/index.html

A short but informative entry level article discussing aluminum toxicity
http://www.drpepi.com/aluminum-poisoning.php#

A more extensive list of symptoms of aluminum poisoning
http://home.earthlink.net/~joannefstruve/_wsn/page3.html

If you know of more/different sources of information on these topics I would love to know!

in this heartbreak

2009-10-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

in this moment, this raw,
clenching break
all physical ties severed
we mourn ourselves
our loss
in the same breath
we try
to celebrate your life.

heartbroken

2009-09-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

On Friday, Sept. 18 my mother-in law passed away in her sleep.

You know that part in the Harry Potter movie (can't recall which one right now) where someone is describing how the dementor's kiss felt and they said "I felt as if I'd never be cheerful again."

That's how I feel today.

I wish I could just quit my job and run away and be with my family.

Catching Up

2009-09-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there’s a whole lot going on in my life as the wheel turns ever closer to Autumn.

To catch up, I’ve continued to work on my Book of Shadows and am having a blast with it. I’ve been getting all of my notes I’ve taken over the last few years from my Seeker classes, my Year & A Day classes, notes from books I’ve read/am reading, my astrological charts and such all re-written on my lined paper I ‘made’ and hole-punched and ready to roll! So far I’m steeped in the ‘getting ready’ phase of the books. I’m collecting information, re-writing things, continuing to organize and of course collecting cool papers, stickers and irresistible pens. Soon I will begin to actually put things into the binders but I’m just not ready quite yet.

I’ve taken a bit of a break on my book as of the last week to welcome my mom to the cities! She is able to visit me for 10 wonderful days and we’ve been having a blast!!

Generally we are both housebound hermits and so it’s invigorating for us to be going and doing so much. I had a four day break from work and we were barely home any of those days. I forget how nice it is to have someone around who is into the same things you are and is sooo easy to hang out with. It's rare and wonderful.

We went to the annual Renaissance Festival which was far cooler than I thought it would be! It’s always nice to get those surprises. Everyone around here is always amazed when I tell them how long we’ve been here and that we haven’t gone to the State Fair or the Renaissance Festival. Generally I’m not a very good crowd person. (Neither is my mom) I tolerate it during concerts but have noticed that even that is wearing a little thin for me and it is getting tougher. I need to practice shielding and get better at protecting myself from other people’s energy I think. Plus, we were given some ticket discounts so that helped immensely as well. $20.00 a person admission? What the hell?!*! So now only rich people get to see such wonders? It’s the same thing here with the science museum, they charge so much to see the traveling exhibitions that we rarely go. Jerks.

Okay, sorry for the rant, back on track.

So yeah, we bought some great artwork from some really talented artists, my personal favorite is an artist whose name is DeLayne Hostetler. I bought two prints, one for myself and one for Swan as a surprise gift. Maybe I should hold on to it for Yule? Hmmmm…. Her website does not do justice to her work, tho you can get a pretty good estimation on what she's up to by clicking on the small icons.

Another great artist who my mom just ADORES and bought a substantial amount of work from is Randal Spangler. His work is so dense and imaginative!! Really I encourage you to take a peek at both of their work, they are wonderful people keeping magick alive in the world & uplifting the spirit.

Oh! And I found the coolest pendant that was just waiting for me, it is a squid with wings. I have a major thing for octopus & squid. Not entirely sure why, it’s a relatively new obsession but I find them fascinating beyond compare. And wings, well, I’ve been obsessed with wings my whole life. I just happen to have a set tattooed to my back.

I love buying local art and supporting artists. Rarely do I ever have the money for such things but I was in a mood that day and since my husband didn’t acknowledge our 14th anniversary I figured I’d just do it for myself. Ha!

And along the lines of art, I was able to wrangle the husband, roommate, mom and myself into the last day of a traveling exhibit at our museum for William Holman Hunt. It was amazing!! The link will take you to an image of my favorite painting from the show, I looked and looked for a good one, one that would showcase the enormity of the work, the brilliance of the paint, the skill of the artists hand but alas, none of them did him a bit of justice. If you EVER get a chance to look at this mans work, please do yourself a favor and check it out. I’m not sure where the show is traveling to next, it’s sooo worth your time. The name of the painting is “Lady of Shalott” after the poem. The scale of the painting was amazing and the brilliance of the paint unreal. I can’t say enough about this guy, all of his work had a very intriguing quality. His life was scandalous as well which only adds to my fascination with him.

Aside from affairs of the art (ha ha, I’m so clever, well….I like to pretend anyway…) I am getting outrageously excited for my trip to see the healer Solomon Wickey. I will be there exactly one week from tomorrow. I’m nervous about traveling alone which I very rarely do but am so excited that I’m not fixating on all of my little paranoid hang-ups.

This Sunday my mom will be accompanying me to Swans house for my class and I think we are going to try to put together a ritual to help me assimilate my healing, release my fears and over-all just prepare me for my journey and my healing. Should be great, this will be the first time my mom has met Swan and also the first time she will be a part of any type of ritual. We’re all pretty stoked!! I just know that she & Swan would be fast friends if she lived here and they were able to spend time together. I will give a full report on my visit with Solomon just as soon as I am able, hopefully it will be all good. It’s a slippery slope to not put too much expectations on a person/event but still put positive energy towards it/them. I’m not very good at it yet, I’m afraid I’ve got a massive heart investment in this opportunity….

Till then, breathe the last bits of summer deeply and get ready to welcome Autumn!! My favorite time of the year~

Let the Book of Shadows begin!

2009-08-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

I’m so proud of myself!!
I have officially begun my Book of Shadows!! This has been something I’ve been excited about doing for well over a year now and finally the time is right to begin! I’ve gathered materials and been ruminating about what I would like said book to contain.
Recently I started a list of items I’d like to include.

It filled up an entire page.
Yikes.

Something Swan (my mentor) suggested saved the day- break it up into multiple books. For some reason this hadn’t occurred to me but now I’m so glad because now I get to make not only one super kick ass cool book but a grand total of……..
(drum roll please)
FOUR!!!

There will be one grande book, the mammacita of them all, my official Book of Shadows and then in typical fashion (everything is in triplicate with me) there will be an additional three books that will cover a myriad of topics. (I swear I didn't plan on there being three, it just worked out that way)

I’m in heaven! Sure, it’s immense in scope but realistically I’ll be working on it the rest of my life so I suppose I have time. (Well, let’s hope I do…)
This has all the earmarks of a fantastic project- I LOVE BOOKS firstly, secondly; I love handwritten books- be it books of poetry, journals, whatever, the hand written pages are so much more personal and intimate to me. Thirdly, I get to decorate it!! That means stickers, sparkly wonderfully colored pens, lovely thick colored paper, decorative pages, my very own table of contents…and likely the best part of it all is what Witch is complete without a Book of Shadows?

This is all part of me taking initiative and shaping my identity and thusly my life. Going from thinking about this and longing to do it and actually making it happen feels good too. A lifetime of procrastinating and dreaming has left me with a deficit of actual projects completed and many dashed dreams. I did have to make some sacrifices to find the time for this though, one of them being opting out of participating in the gallery exhibition I was invited to show my paintings at. Oh poo. Oh well. There are only so many hours in the day!

I’ve got all of the chapters outlined, I bought colored card stock from the ever tempting ‘Paper Source’ and made my own lined sheets, I’ve gathered some fantastic stickers & pens & such, my notes and loose papers are all gathered, now all that is left is to begin!

My first step will be transcribing all of my loose papers onto the nice paper and putting them into the appropriate sections of the books. This will be very time consuming yet worth it, I’ve been taking Wicca & Witchcraft classes for nearly two years now so I’ve got gobs of notes that I’d like to organize and keep. Additionally I've wanted to organize my reference papers forever too- herbs, meditation techniques, symbology, Wheel of the Year, Tarot, things of that sort and much much much more.

I'm addicted to crafts and books.
Wheeee!

Part Two

2009-08-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

The idea was a lightening bolt shot through my heart.

The idea that there are indeed real healers out there in the world and better yet, accessible to me. While it may seem strange that I believe in magick and yet am skeptical about the existence of bonafide ‘release’ healers I must admit that due to past experience I am skeptical. I’ve seen my fair share of people who profess to be healers, healers of the mind, body and spirit and I’ve not had overwhelmingly positive experiences with them.

I’ve seen acupuncturists that while the therapy might have been successful I was skeptical based on the fact that they don’t have an actual diagnosis they were working from, just a list of complaints. Seems a bit shoddy to me. The real kicker came when I was told that for the therapy to be effective I would have to see her at least once a week if not twice and that each session would be nearly $100.00. Yeah, right. Like I’ve got that kind of money.

The list goes on and on, I won’t bore you with the details. Same goes for psychics. I’ve blown a goodly amount of money there too. Usually they were highly recommended by others and each time I was at a place in my life where I desperately needed guidance, each time I was at a cross roads wondering which path to take. Only once did I ever get any useful information that was actually valid. That particular time was a lady I saw just by chance at a local occultist store. I’ve always wanted to believe, to take a chance on a different route. Every time I just end up feeling like a fool who threw money into the cosmic idiot well.

I’ve read so many testimonials about Solomon that I’m going for it. I’ve got the opportunity to see my mom’s naturopath if this doesn’t work out but if it does it would save me a lot of time and money not to mention restoring my faith in the healing community. One of the things that leads me to think he just might be the real deal is that he doesn’t charge for his services. Yeah, that’s right. Not a dime. You are free to offer a donation but it is in no way solicited or expected I am to understand. He does sell herbs and remedies to support the healing services that he offers but you are free to buy them anywhere you choose. It’s been said additionally that he offers the herbs at cost and does not make a dime on them making them far cheaper than anywhere else.

I’ve had such a good feeling about the whole thing that I was on cloud nine and ready to rush right there and see him, my heart was on board but my brain was doubtful. So I started doing more internet research on him. After much digging and prodding I found my first negative review of Solomon. The writer was not being intentionally cruel towards him but had some scathing reviews of his supposed healing ability. He reported that he and his mother had gone to see him. His mother had been diagnosed with end stage liver disease and was living on dialysis. This was her last ditch effort to be well and live. Solomon told her to get off of the dialysis and to take the recommended herbs and she would get better. The family decided that it was too risky to take her off of dialysis and she too was afraid she would die immediately so they opted to stay on the machine and just take the herbs. The son reported that while the herbs did make her feel much better and improved her quality of life they did not cure her cancer and while she lived much much longer than the doctors had predicted she did eventually pass away. He was bitter and angry that the cancer had not disappeared. She was not spontaneously healed. Okay. So, does this mean he is a sham? The doubt that entered my heart was piercing and my mind screamed “told you so, you fool! You’ll bankrupt us yet!”

After I calmed down a bit and thought about it more I had a dialog with myself about the nature of healing. Now, it would be lovely if we could all die in our sleep after a long peaceful existence. Is that possible? Is it possible in respect to the balance of the universe? Of course not. So obviously some people are not meant to be healed. The trials and tribulations we all go through in this life shape our path. They give meaning to our triumphs.

That said, there are many of us who suffer needlessly from easily cured ills. One of the things that can and will obliterate our health and well-being is FEAR. The woman and her family were afraid of death and so chose not to follow his ‘prescription’ for healing out of fear that it would not work and she would die. So to deny faith and resort to fear are not the best steps to take towards healing.

With these things flushed out in my mind I was back on track and realized that yes, I am willing to take that leap of faith. I have to believe that I can be healed. Every day I ask the Goddess and God to heal me and make me whole. I am willing to do what I have to do. If it isn’t in the cards for me to receive spontaneous healing than I’ll go the long route.

Once again I’m going to reach for the stars and hope that they meet me half way. I’m working towards preparing myself for this healing by honing my meditation skills and detoxing my body. I want to be ready so I can take the ball and run with it when it’s my turn!!

My prayer for everyone reading this is that you are able to find your own personal path towards health, love and light. We all deserve to be happy and healthy. It is our Goddess/God given right.

Hope for Healing, part one

2009-08-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

I bought plane tickets yesterday.

My brightest hope is that I will forever remember this trip as the day that changed my life. I am going to see a healer this September. Now, it's a long complicated dialog that I had with myself and it's likely anyone else faced with this information would find themselves struggling just as I did. Well, let me begin at the beginning before I rush to the end.

Like pretty much everyone I know I have a pile of health problems. I believe that mine really started with birth control. The pill wasn't so hard on me, I may have started on it a little early and who knows what that does to a young girl but I digress. It was the depo-provera shot that really did a number on me. I was only on it for roughly two years but it took an additional 4 years to get it all out of my system and start feeling 'normal' again. The problem is that I believe the balances had been tipped internally and since I never took specific action to rectify that my problems have continued they've just been a little more mysterious and not necessarily hormone related.

I've given up going to 'western' doctors with my list of ills, I've not gotten anywhere that way. I won't go into my tirade about western doctors and the issue I take with treating symptoms (largely with pharmaceuticals) and not the actual root cause. I believe that route is dangerous, costly and highly ineffectual. I've always looked to homeopathy for my cures and have had success with little things here and there. The problem is I don't know what the root cause of my suffering is. I've searched for a reputable naturopath and reluctantly admit to having seen one who I feel knew a bit about it, did help me a little bit but ultimately did not perform the panel of tests necessary to truly detect the deepest root cause for my maladies. I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on vitamins and herbs and while I did feel better I wasn't able to keep up with roughly 15 vitamins three times a day. With assorted teas that I was required to drink all day too. I know the natural healing path is a long and often slow one and ultimately I am willing to walk that path if that is what it takes to heal my body and MOVE ON.

Now I know a bit more about it and now I know that before the buying of the stuff there needs to be saliva testing, blood tests, kineseology, things of that nature. The problem with that is that I am not really able to afford all of that. For the first time in a very long time I have a job that provides health insurance but of course they do not pay for any of this since it's through a naturopath.

While it's important for me to get better really any way you shake it there is added pressure due to the fact that I think we're going to look at getting pregnant in December. I know that I NEED to get my health sorted out before we try again because I can't help but think that it is because of my health problems that we lost the last baby. I don't ever want to go through that again. It was a late term miscarriage which is more rare and the doctors weren't able to find anything wrong with the baby so I believe it was because of me. Of course like everyone we want to have a healthy baby and I know that if I am able to get myself put back together first we'll have much better chances of that.

I've begun cutting out all products that are not organic to reduce our exposure to chemicals. That means deodorant, shampoo & conditioner, lotions, soaps, cleaning products, anything that has SLS (sodium lauryl sulfate) and other scary things. I've also started to get strict about cooking as opposed to eating microwave entrees for nearly every meal. We got started on that because we can count the calories and it was less work but ultimately we ended up getting spoiled by the convenience while our bodies suffer with chemical, preservative laden foods. So we're detoxing and really working on changing our lifestyle.

My mom has been seeing a naturopath where she lives and she's convinced he knows what's up. He had her do all the tests and scientifically was able to figure out what was causing her ills and has begun to facilitate healing. She's very happy with the results. She healed up from a major surgery in record time thanks to his intervention in her post-op protocol. Okay, so this is where it gets interesting, the doctor that she is seeing has a receptionist who my mom started hanging out with- nice lady. One day my parents are hanging out with her and her husband and the subject of a nerve problem my dad was just diagnosed with came up. The husband says to his wife, "have you told them about Solomon?" and she replied with a red face "no, I haven't....I don't tell many people about Solomon." Well, naturally my parent's curiosity was peaked and they prompted her to just go ahead and tell them and they would listen with an open mind. The story that they told my parents is the reason I am flying to Auburn, Indiana in September.

In Amish country, specifically Auburn, Indiana there is a Amish man named Solomon Wickey. He has been reputed to be a magnificent healer. He is a master Herbalist, a kinesiology practitioner as well as an iridology practitioner. Above that though he is a "release" healer. In a release, which requires spirituality and a basic faith in God, hands are laid on the ill person and the affliction is “released out of the body.” Okay, so this is where it gets a little far out, right?

The couple went on to tell my parent's that the man had been afflicted with horrible pain in his knees his whole life. Since childhood he'd had to deal with the pain, swelling and lack of mobility. Doctors suggested surgery but weren't able to provide him with good enough odds to outweigh the risks and the cost so he figured he'd just have to live with it. That is until a friend of his found out about and saw a healer named Solomon. And so they left to visit him and see for themselves if he could heal his knee problems. He was told that his problems arose from improperly formed hips. He had him lay down as he moved his hands around above his body. After a bit he told him, "okay, you are fine now, you can go." The man didn't really understand and asked him, "well, so what do I need to take and what do I need to do?" Solomon's reply was, "nothing. You are healed. " And sure enough, when he rose and begun to walk he immediately noticed that the pain was gone. It hasn't returned since.

That got my attention.

To be continued.....

Positive Vibrations

2009-07-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

I need to be channeling Bob Marley in a big way. And not just in the weed smoking department.

I've been so negative that it's really slowing me down. This summer it seems has been one of constant stress, disappointment, frustration and rampant negativity. It doesn't help that on top of my own b.s. it seems many of my friends and family are having a tough time of it lately too. The media certainly doesn't help either. I usually make a point not to read the news (not having T.V. keeps me away from seeing it) just to keep my head out of the 'fear fog' as I like to call it. Now and again though I'll get sucked in by some perfectly horrid tag line out of crazy curiosity and I'm always sad I did. Sensationalistic headlines are rarely highlighting some wonderful achievement or some beautiful miracle. They are usually showcasing the dredges of humanity, some horrific event that has happened. And what I don't need is any more proof that people are strange and horrible. I really need to start focusing heavily on positivity and drawing that energy to me. Dwelling on my families problems and trudging through my own then drowning in the sea of sorrow that is humanity is just messing with my head. I've been fighting this depression that I know so well, it knocks on the door every so often and if I'm not careful it sneaks in and takes up residence on my mental couch. It's a rude house guest and I swore I'd never let it in again after the last time it crept in and kept up residence for two years straight. Now, that was some tough times. Nothing like now. Thank the Goddess. I shall endeavor to fight the good fight.

Well, that's enough of that. Moving on and moving up.
I do have some good news to report. I finally couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and I talked with my man about my baby issues/questions. He said all the right things. For a change of pace. It was such a relief, especially due to the fact that I had wicked PMS and the hormonal surges held me captive in a dingy on high seas. One big wave could have capsized my raft and thankfully he didn't. Again, for a change of pace. I'm being hard on him but historically...well, let's just say it's not usually that smooth. He's as excited about this next venture in our lives as much as I am (he wanted to have a baby all along, it's me that took 11 years of our relationship to decide I did too) so he is willing to make the sacrifices that come along with a baby. We're thinking we'll look more closely at planning a time to start 'trying' which is a funny way to put it. I guess it's more like we'll not concentrate on not getting pregnant. Whichever you prefer I guess. Firstly I've got to get some health questions answered and get in better shape. I need to get my blood sugar problems figured out so I don't have the risk of getting gestational diabetes. More on the doctor dilemma another day, that's another source of negativity that I want to stay away from today.

I am making some progress on the magick front. I spent all day last sunday with Swan having a great session and hanging out. She is such a grounding force in my life, a wonderful teacher, an inspiring friend and an all around kick ass human being. Her and her man are just simply wonderful. They always feed me new & exciting food and wines every time I see them. I've renewed my commitment to the study of Witchcraft and am actively working towards creating a daily spiritual practice. This is something I've been yearning for my whole life and never really implemented. Next time I post will be to give a detailed account of the prayer beads she had me make and all that goes with that exercise.

Alas, I've got to get ready to head to the cubicle maze that is my job so I'll have to get into that later which will be a nice break from whining about my problems. I'm sure all four of you who read this will be glad to move on too! Thanks for sticking in there with me~

Brightest blessings to you all and may the Goddess hold you close and whisper in your ear~

All is Love
Love is all
Blessed be.

Oooooh baby baby it's a wild world....

2009-07-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

Let me just start by saying, I had other ideas for this blog. Because not many people have a real, true understanding of what Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism is I don’t have hardly anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking about my training with. I wanted a way to catalog this amazing experience, maybe find an audience who can relate or expound upon what I’m going through. I never intended to make this a personal ‘boo-hoo’ blog. I’ve been careful about what I post cause we all know that once you put something up online it’s there. Maybe forever. And I also want to apologize if people are here to be a part of the Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism dialog and are left wondering, what is all this crap about babies? Let’s talk about the moon and spells and such! Well, I’ll be getting back to that, I promise.

Right now? Today? My mind isn’t on those things.

I’m still in a funk about the baby question. Okay, don’t run screaming, we are going to go down that road again and I must warn you that I talk about my period at the end. There, I said it. Now……

I’ve been wondering lately about hormones. Fun topic huh? Well, it’s been a health concern of mine for so long I can’t hardly remember when it wasn’t. What’s troubling me right now is that I have been wondering if it isn’t hormones that is pressing this baby issue. Okay, I’ll back up and explain where this comes from. Right after I lost the baby last year I was still all a twitter with the pregnancy hormones which kept screaming “BABY BABY BABY” and had me convinced that as soon as we got the green light to go ahead with another pregnancy that we would be trying RIGHT AWAY. Well, better sense prevailed and we realized that we *still* had a lot of stuff to get in order before we trundled off down that road. Waiting was the right thing to do. Here we are, a year later and while we are getting closer to being ready to try again we’ve decided it’s best to wait till I get some of my health issues in order, till we are closer to moving near my parents (our volunteer daycare) and about a hundred other reasons. I believe I mentioned in a previous post how I’ve been agonizing about wanting to have the baby NOW….and then, at some point I began to ponder…is it really the best thing for us to get pregnant? Not just now, but ever?

Here’s the facts, and feel free to chime in with your ‘two cents worth’ cause I could really use some help here.

We are moving to be closer to my parents who have graciously offered to help watch our baby since it’s unlikely I’m not going to have to work. This is spectacular, right? Yes. It definitely is. The problem? It’s impossible to think that me having to work will be temporary when we’ll be trying to buy/build a house, have a baby, and transition into new jobs essentially all at once. I really don’t want to be a full time working mother, even if the daycare is my very own kick ass mom.

I don’t think I’ll be able to stand missing out on EVERYTHING. All of the times I was a nanny and I would get to see the first steps, hear the first word, get to cuddle with them as they napped, teach them new things, I would think to myself that if this were MY kid I wouldn’t miss that for the world. Now, to be fair, the people I worked for didn’t NEED to work, they chose to because they wanted MORE and weren’t content with less.

That will not be the case with us as we are not starting out with anything and wouldn’t be able to get by with even just the two of us on one income. So, I would be doing just what I always said I thought was fundamentally wrong. Having a baby that you can’t raise yourself. Why would someone do that? Because they want that baby and come hell or high water they will get it! Is it the best thing for the baby? No. I know that. All of my years in childcare tell me so. The kids suffer and that is a fact. Now, if we had gotten pregnant by ‘accident’ like before then it’s out of my control. But at this point we’re making a decision to have a baby. Different thing altogether. Plus, my parent’s can’t get stuck raising the baby full time. I’m sure my mom would love to help out especially in the beginning but she has stuff going on too and giving up everything to raise our baby long term isn’t right.

The other problem that has been plaguing me is that my man has always wanted to be an artist. He’s amazing at it. The problem there? Let me count the ways. Here’s a few, he’s made little to no contact with the art world and has absolutely no job prospects in this field. He would/will have to start from ground zero to make this happen and doesn’t want to try to work a full time job and do it in his off hours. He’s terrified of getting stuck in some job he doesn’t give a shit about just to put food on the table and never ending up realizing his full potential. I totally one hundred percent get that. We’re a little late in the game to wait to have a baby until his art career is lucrative enough to support our family. If that ever happens. The saying ‘starving artist’ isn’t just a cliché. It’s for reals. I know a ton of them. I’m surrounded by them. So is he going to resent me if we do go ahead with the baby and his art career doesn’t take off? Am I going to resent him for chasing his dream while I’m working 40 hr. weeks and missing out on our child’s childhood?

And then, there are others who say “you can’t over think this, just go for it and it will all work out.” Or, “you can’t plan for the future, you just do the best that you can.” All this is fine and good but is it the most responsible way to look at the choice to have a child? Even though, yeah, it would all likely turn out just fine. I think most of the world gets pregnant by surprise. But I also know that it makes it really tough. I know a hundred families who have/are struggled/struggling through unplanned children. Many relationships don’t survive. Dreams of art careers die. Mothers end up working through their children’s childhoods.

And so I’m right back to where I started, do I really want to have a baby or is my body simply following historical protocol by tricking me, telling me it’s time to procreate against all odds? Do the cons to having a baby outweigh the pros? The answers my head gives me are different than the ones my heart is giving me. I was a week late ‘starting’ this month and I was completely torn 50/50. One part of me was really really hoping that maybe I was *magically* pregnant (therefore releasing me from this huge decision) and the other part of me was scared and sad that I haven’t gotten my health taken care of and for all the other above mentioned reasons. And when I finally started? There was a part of me that was disappointed. I’m a freakin’ wreck.

Advice?

Discuss.

Love Hoodie Love

2009-07-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

I always get such fascinating tidbits from one of my favorite blogs:

Lady Lavona's Cabinet of Curiosities (you'll find her in my sidebar of blogs that I follow)

And just look at what she's turned me onto now!

The designer's name is Lindsey Thornburg:

This woman has done what I've lusted over forever- a HOODIE CLOAK.

In three different lengths no less!!! The mid length is the cutest me thinks and I WANT I WANT I WANT ONE!!! Of course as she is a designer one can only purchase her things at boutiques and only in New York apparently.

So I did what any sensible (read: sewing & monetarily challenged) girl would do in this situation. I asked my grandma to make one for me.

Because, while I have every intention of one day learning how to sew I'm not kidding myself by thinking it will be any time real soon and I would desperately love to have one of these by Autumn!! We'll see what she says, my grandmother is a freakin' whiz at all types of sewing though she usually insists that she have a pattern to make it perfect.

I'll have to make sure I purchase my very own fabric though because while she can sew a sweater for the devil himself and make it adorable she has the WORST taste in fabric & colors. I keep telling her that while I appreciate all of the things she has knitted/sewn for me over the years that if she would just make everything BLACK it will be a winner for sure (read: no longer banished to totes in the storage unit). What was the very next thing I received? A pastel pink & mint green knitted throw. Bleck.

If I had to pick one color actually can't stand it would be pink. Pretty much everything she makes for me is some shade of pink. And since she is a bargain shopper to beat all she usually picks up her yarn/fabric out of the clearance bin so not only is it pink it's usually some insanely hideous shade of pink that no other human being wanted.

Oh, I hope I hope I hope she'll make it for me...I should look around online and see if I can find a pattern for this...

p.s. don't hate me for getting excited about Autumn already, I'm in the minority here, I know. At least Giggly is with me on this!

La Mer

2009-07-06T17:04:00.001-07:00

I'm missing the ocean.

We went camping this weekend and I did get to float down a fantastically lazy river.....

Alas, all it did was make me miss the ocean even more.

I miss the sound of the waves, the vastness of the sea-as far as the eye can see, the cool salty spray, the plaintive cry of the gulls, the sound of my feet as they make their way across the sand....

I hope one day I will get to live near the sea~

Baby Brain

2009-07-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

On the subject of my summer funk-

(Sorry for those of you who are tired of me musing about my quasi- depression)

I’ve been noticing that there is one thing on my mind an awful lot. I’ll give you a couple of hints:

They cry a lot.

They are irresistibly cute.

They must be fed, dressed, changed, molded and loved 24-7.

No, it’s not another husband…

Of course it’s babies.

And for those of you who know through blogging or from our personal relationship, we lost a baby a little over a year ago. What is strange to me is that while I’ve always loved babies and have been a babysitter/nanny off & on since before puberty I never thought I wanted to have my own kids. This sentiment carried on until I actually got pregnant and then I reassessed my reasoning and realized that I do want a baby, what I did not want was to be a shut-in mom like so many I had known before. (It’s such a long convoluted story and I think I already covered this in a subsequent post..)

Suffice to say, I’m on the baby train now. And what makes it even more appealing is that I am working a job that is not physically demanding, has amazing benefits with ample maternity leave. The hang up? We don’t want to have a baby and then immediately after the maternity leave is up ship it off to daycare. My mom has graciously offered to be our daycare when we do have a baby but it’s got to be when we are all finally living in the same state. Now, this is the plan, we are counting on it and working towards it but we are all at least a year off from moving. The husband and I are waiting for our company to relocate and give us our severance package before we move. My parents have had their house up for sale for nearly a year now trying to move....Who knows when this will all come together…

Everyone I see these days either has a newborn baby or is pregnant. My ovaries keep telling me “Just do it. Go for it. You’re ready now. Do it.”
And then my brain says, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve got to think this out and do it when the time is right. You can’t afford daycare, you don’t want to send your newborn baby to be raised by a stranger, you don’t know when the company is shutting down so get a grip on yourself sister!”

And so, in protest, my ovaries are staging a riot. They keep barraging my brain with thoughts of babies. Constantly. I find myself feeling resentful of others who do have babies. I feel like the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’, my heart feels very small and lumpy when I find myself being resentful of other people’s happiness. Especially about babies, I feel like some sort of monster.

I had heard about women like me, I certainly never thought I would be one. And yet here I am, getting weepy over cute baby clothes, scowling at pregnant women, talking myself into & out of getting pregnant right now….it’s all so messed up. I buy baby stuff if it’s super duper cute and really cheap. I’m convinced when I do have a baby it’s going to be a girl so if that’s not the case then someone better have one cause I’ve amassed a little pile….

And though I’ve kind of sort of talked to my mom & my man about all of this I feel so….embarrassed about it I just keep it to myself mainly. I really really want a baby but in order for that to happen right now everything needs to be drastically different. I find myself being snippy with my man and I wonder if I’m not feeling resentful on some deeper level that he’s not as ready as I am? He wants a baby too but he isn’t feeling the big push I am. He keeps telling me he’s got to get his career figured out first and get some financial stability before we get pregnant. Before we actually got pregnant he was the one who was excited for us to get pregnant. Is he scared we’ll lose another baby? How long does he think we have to do this? We’re getting older every day and the thought of having our child graduate high school right around our 80th birthdays is not appealing.

Is this all hormonal? Is this all just yet another cruel trick played out on us women? Are we helpless against the onslaught of our hormones and our conditioning? Is it cellular memory to want to have babies?

Shit, it’s just too damn hot today to continue to ruminate on such things…
Thanks for sticking in there with me as I sort through this mess~

Disconnect

2009-06-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

I know what this feeling is.

I’ve figured it out.

There are peripherary reasons I’ve been depressed and cranky and then there is the core reason.

The peripherary reasons are that I do not function well in a mess. Our house is still full of boxes and the impending work and disorganization is driving me crazy.

Also, I’ve stopped exercising entirely. I went from working out every day, taking my vitamins and counting my calories to eating whatever I damn well please and not exercising at all. My old self-indulgent self is back.

The core reason I’m depressed is so familiar, I’m amazed I didn’t see it for what it is earlier. I’ve known this depression before, it’s being disconnected. I’m disconnected from my spiritual life, disconnected from my body, disconnected from my family, disconnected from my creative self, disconnected from friends. I’ve reverted to being a blob. I eat, work, sleep, watch movies and eat, work, sleep some more. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. Sometimes I feel like being human is the equivalent to trying to swim through mud. Why are we so dense? Why does it take so long for simple ideas to take root? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over?

Infinitely frustrating.

I’m digging myself back out of the hole I’ve recently realized I’ve buried myself in. I’ve got to get my spiritual foundation constructed. It’s absolutely essential. Any advice? Ideas? Do you or anyone you know have a steady, daily spiritual practice?

My homework for ‘class’ this Sunday is to construct a set of pagan prayer beads and come up with three possible mantras. I’ve also been set to the task of researching the use of prayer beads throughout the world religions. So far I’ve done my research and am interested to see nearly every world religion employs some sort of prayer beads. Must be good stuff. It’s a tool that just might be the best idea yet, I’ve got Swan to thank for that, she’s aces.

Crab People!

2009-06-23T19:51:00.000-07:00

I've been really crabby lately.

Not sure why.

Is it the heat? Humidity? Summer always makes me kinda cranky, weird I know, but true.

Maybe it's the fact that my house still isn't put together after 3 weeks. I've done almost everything and decided to leave one room to my guy and here we are, weeks later and it's still barely even started. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose it and strangle him. But then I remember that I love him. Emotions are such complicated things. Oh, to be human.

Also, it seems like everyone is pregnant right now and that's really been bumming me out too. It's so super mega lame to feel that way, I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel slighted by it. I know, it's my own trip and I'm a horrible person but dammit, it's true. I can't tell anyone else except for you, blogger- you are my only friend. Okay, so that's not true but I can't admit that steamy little fact to anyone.

I guess I just want to run away from my life for awhile. I know everyone feels this way from time to time, makes me feel a little better.

Okay, enough belly-aching. I've got to pull myself together.

Parking Lot Kids

2009-06-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

The biggest downfall to our new neighborhood is our neighbors.

Luckily we aren’t in a scary neighborhood like we have been previously; it’s just more economically depressed than our very last neighborhood. So while I’m not worried for my personal safety I am a little concerned about our house being broken into. But not much.

What worries me the most are the parking lot kids.

There is a whole herd of kids that live in our row of townhouses and they all seem to be raising themselves. I know its summer and school is out but the fact that I see these kids out in what is essentially a parking lot all day every day without any adults around seems crappy. Some of them are pretty young too; the youngest can’t be more than three years old. The older ones are too old to be wandering around with nothing constructive to do- that’s where vandalism and petty theft come a’knockin. Kids will figure out something to do and likely without a positive adult influence it’ll be something they know they aren’t supposed to do. Duh.

I had never seen any of the parents until this weekend. The youngest little girl I’d seen was talking to this woman who was on her way somewhere. I don’t mean to come off sounding like a prude but the outfit this woman was wearing was….scandalous to say the least. Everything God gave her to identify her as a woman was hanging out for the world to see. There was a man waiting for her in an Escalade with a boomin’ system. The woman is waving the little girl away as she’s reaching out for her and following her. The look on the woman's face tells me she’s irritated that the little girl wants her attention and she’s ready to go have fun with her man friend. It’s 85 degrees in the shade outside and she wants the little girl to just leave her alone and go back to sitting in the concrete parking lot, alone. The little girl finally turns around to start walking back towards the houses and I can see she is devastated. She’s crying so hard she can barely see where she is going. The lady stops for a second and watches her, finally I see her face soften a little bit and she walks over to the baby girl and pats her on the shoulder then turns back around and walks to the car and leaves. The little girl is sobbing. It’s so heartbreaking watching her, all alone, crying. How that woman could walk away without picking her up, holding her, drying her tears….I was even crying for heaven’s sake! I felt so bad for her, here I am, listening to music in the a/c, making delicious cookies, having a great time and there she is, all alone and crying out in the hot sun.

Throughout the day I see all of them, just wandering around, trying to amuse themselves. They don’t have any toys, only a couple of them have bikes, absolutely nothing to do but be invisible. I don’t even know if there are actually adults home or not. I’m not sure if they are sitting inside watching t.v. or at work or hangin’ at the bar with their friends or sitting inside getting high…who the hell knows. I don’t really know what to do.

I keep thinking about calling child protection services. But is that the right call? I don’t know that taking them away from whatever parent situation they have is right, what is waiting for them after that? Foster homes? Putting a child in the system at such a young age….I just don’t know if that is the right call. I don't want to turn a blind eye and be another person who lets them slip through the cracks. I also don't want to take away what little security they have and send them into a foster care world that I have serious reservations about. I guess what I’ve decided is that I am going to call child protection services and just see what happens when someone reports someone else. Anonymously of course. I don't want any of that action knocking on my front door. I don’t know a thing about how the system works and educating myself firstly would probably be the best way to go about it.

A whole generation of inner city kids are raising themselves. And we all watch the news and look at the crime in our neighborhoods and wonder how it all go so messed up. Parking lot kids. It just breaks my heart.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

2009-06-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my long absence, we haven’t had internet for nearly a month now and likely won’t have it for a couple of weeks more. I am able to get online where I work but have been….trepidatious about posting here. Everything we access online while at work can be monitored, whether or not it actually is- hard to say. Paranoia has gotten me pretty far in life without too many slip-ups so I’m always inclined towards the paranoid.

It’s been so long since I posted though and I’ve been itching to get back to it so I’m just going for it. I don’t have much on the Wicca front to speak of- which is initially why I shied away from writing (before the move and loss of internet.) I had all of these big plans for how organized and efficient I was going to be in the new house. A lot of those plans included my revamped study/practice regime for my Wiccan studies.

So far we are still wading through boxes. What we have gotten done I am very happy with- we’ve been pretty on top of figuring out ways to maximize the space we now have versus the lack of shelving/storage. It’s nice to be in a town-home again as opposed to the one bedroom apartment. Our other place was very cozy and it was nice to have it just be the two of us but luckily we’ve got a wonderful roommate who is easy to live with and a very close friend so all’s well.

Our actual place is pretty nice, there was quite a bit that needed to be done with it upon moving in, every one of the sinks were leaking, there was little to no cleaning done by the previous tenants upon move-out and we’ve got far too much stuff for the space but all of these things have been being worked out.

One thing I’ve been loving is our kitchen.

It’s much bigger than our last kitchen and I’m finally able to have all of our appliances within reach (even though I’m still not able to have them all in the actual kitchen…sigh). I’m getting ready to launch my big cooking/juicing campaign. The farmer’s markets are getting into full swing again and just in time too cause my scale tells me I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost before the wedding. BOOO, HISSS!! We’ve got to recommit to eating right (and not eating out for nearly every meal) as well as working out. We dropped the gym membership to save some money and so it’s up to me to figure out a home work out plan that does the trick.

So, very little actual info here, just a big long rambling post about being in transition. I’m so ready to get cooking, painting, crafting, studying, all of it. But it looks like I must be patient a little longer.

Body Electric

2009-05-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

Now that one project has finished it is time to begin another~

My new projects are ambitious but then again so was the wedding and the self transformation boot camp I put myself through. And while I'm not done with working out and changing my eating I'm taking a little different approach. I've started reading more about organics and sustainable farming. I'm teaching myself how to shop and how to cook differently. I even bought a juicer! I've got a fast/detox looming on the horizon. I've got to learn how to eat and cook properly before baby!

My studies have sadly fallen by the wayside of late with Swan. I'm meeting her later this month...it bums me out we've stalled and I've got to do something about it. Step it up. Remember daily spiritual practice? Remember your dedication vows? Arg.

Oh, and aside from moving (again) I'm starting to prep for an art show in August. I've got big aspirations, we'll see. Finishing artwork is not something I'm familiar with...

Okay, my break is over, back to painting, just wanted to pop in....

oh well

2009-05-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

i was almost a mother.

mother's day still makes me just a little sad.

i wonder if my friends and family remember my almost motherhood today?

oh well.

sigh

peek-a-boo

2009-05-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

i'm not gone, just on sabbatical.

i'm cooking up some new projects, a new regime now that the wedding regime has ended.

stay tuned.

Takin' Some Time

2009-03-06T18:27:00.001-08:00

I keep telling myself I've got far far too many other things I should be doing instead of writing on this blog but y'know what? I never write anymore. Not just here, but anywhere. No journaling. No poetry. No fiction. It sucks. And frankly I don't feel up to writing anywhere else so I'm going to do a little rambling here.

Bear with me as I muse about weddings.

I'm getting married in April. Pretty soon huh? Don't I know it.

Early on people (firstly my mom of course) told me to "be careful, weddings take on a life of their own, don't let this one become a beast!" I scoffed. (Yeah, I'm a scoffer ;)

Foolishly I thought, "not me, not my wedding. I'm going to keep it simple and under control."

Riiiiiiiggght.

The problem has not been outside pressure or an urge to please others, no disagreements between my fiance and myself. My problem is simply.....me. At first I was going super duper simple. No favors. No chair covers/sashes. I'll take the cake they offer for free and not really care what it looks like. On and on.

As time wore on I became increasingly inspired. Doesn't sound like a bad thing but trust me when I say inspired (for me) is anything but simple. I became obsessed with the centerpieces. The only decoration we are doing is the tables. We aren't doing any special lighting, no big floral arrangements, just tables. So in my mind they needed to be utterly spectacular tables. How to create spectacular tables on a very tight budget? That was my mission. Well, the one thing that didn't change in the end is that we aren't hanging any special decorative lighting and we still aren't doing any big floral arrangements.

We are however not taking their cake, I saw pictures and it's just poop. I was shocked at how bad it looked, really. Anywho, we found a great lady who is going to make us a fabulous cake. A cake I still have to desing... We scored free chair covers out of the deal since the cake was part of the package price we traded it for nice white chair covers. I saw their chairs. Lame. They are a dark maroon color when the drapes and color palette is all dark green and cream. Weird. Our wedding colors are a bright chartreuse green & crisp white. (Incidentally those are the colors of my dress as well, ;~)

I went around and around with myself on the tables looking for just the right thing to spark THE VISION. I wish I had a meter on the Internet at work & home so I could see just how many hours I scoured the web. There is a staggering amount of shit on the web that is related to weddings. It's no shit that it is a 40-70 BILLION dollar a year industry. Numbers are shaky hence the huge gap but there are so many independent people who own shops or work out of their homes that do not contribute to the statistics that it's hard to get an accurate account. It's reported that the average wedding in the U.S. costs $28,000.00.

Hard to believe. The only person I know that even comes close to that number is someone I work with who said her wedding came in at about $25,000.00. Not including the honeymoon. Most people I know don't even come remotely close to that number but I don't doubt that it's possible.

Selling fairy tales is a big business. Selling status is an even bigger one.

I worked some weddings at the country club I used to slave for that were re-dic-ulous. Waaay over the top. Whateva. It's not my thing but don't get the idea that I look down on others who do it that way, to each their own. I would rather spend my money on stuff to do while I'm there.

It looks like I'm actually going to make my predicted budget of $5-6,000.00 . It is a destination wedding, so of course it's going to be a little spendy. But that's why we waited so long so that we could be in a position to do it the way we always dreamed. Tropical. Vacation with all of our close friends and family. Oh yeah.

Okay, so I should quit crying but this really has turned into such a fiasco. Ultimately the tables are going to be a vision. I've received most of the stuff that will be going on the tables and it's all divine. I'll post pics of the reception, promise.

I had a moment of divine inspiration for the tables. It was weird, it came to me in a flash and it was completely perfect, completely me, completely unique. Somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't really want a simple no frills wedding because in the end what I am doing is throwing a party for myself, for him and for all of our friends and family and dammit, I'm going to show them how it's done! (he he he) I've always enjoyed throwing people birthday parties, being the hostess is a tough job but pretty damn fun too. And because I did log in all those hours I was able to get some pretty sweet deals on everything. I haven't paid full price for anything yet except my dress, his clothes and the flowers.

That said, I'm so tired of planning. I just want the fun part to start already. I can't imagine those brave souls that have hundreds of guests. I've got 30 and it's a bit much. Then again, the most stressful part has been handling every one's lodging for the week. Asking people for $$$$ is never fun. Having to demand it because they won't adhere to deadlines is double not fun.

Soon it will all be worth it. I just keep looking at the pictures I've got in my head.

Oh, and I'm two sizes smaller now thanks to spending half my life at the gym. It's worth it though, there's just no freakin' short cuts to getting slim and feeling better. Damn it. It's true.

On a side note:
Anyone down with Poetry Daily? There is some inspired work on this site.
http://poems.com/

How 'bout Verse Daily?
http://www.versedaily.org/index.shtml

That's my little poetry nudge.

~Peace out~

~Blessings~

musing....

2009-02-14T12:48:00.001-08:00

All of a sudden I find that I've finally got some time to myself.

It is so rare that I have time alone. For one we live in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment and the other is that I work with my fiance. Every errand, everything we usually do together. One might find it ironic that I am reveling in being alone on Valentine's Day but I guess I'm cool with it because besides loving him, I love myself too.

Plus, I give him far more loving attention than I do myself. I work out nearly every day now which I feel like is giving myself love....a, uh...strict sort of love...but it's for my well being after all. That's really about it.

So I laid in bed and read this morning. Glorious. A good day starts with being able to rejoice in the silky smoothness of being in bed. It's my favorite piece of furniture.

Now what?

A Long Time Coming (home)

2009-02-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

One year. One day.

I'm a student again (formally) and I am so excited and so proud. I can honestly say I am proud of myself for making this happen. Or maybe I should say for allowing it to happen. I know for sure that the path to Witchcraft was paved by the Goddess and God. Too many things all came together in the right sequence to see it any other way. Amazingly I was smart enough and determined to take all the right steps. Steps home.

This whole experience has given me irrefutable belief that reincarnation exists. Sure I've been working on getting here my whole life with every experience and all of the soul searching I've done. Yet as I learn 'new' things I realize that while I know I haven't come across it previously I totally understand it and know right away if it is something I personally believe. I haven't told Swan this, she might think I'm being arrogant. The facts & details of the above mentioned things isn't necessarily clear but I recognize ideas/philosophies instantly some times, more often it happens over a period of a few hours. I don't know, I'm not very good at explaining it I think...

Swan is the most amazing mentor ever. She is everything I could wish for in a teacher. She is one of the only people I've ever felt is truly genuine. She truly lives as she believes. I know she isn't necessarily perfect but I gotta tell you she seems pretty perfect to me so far. And the most impressive thing is that it has been a work in progress. She has struggled but in the end she was able to consciously change herself into the person she wanted to be. Her sincere self. Genuine self. With her will and her own personal power she has sculpted her life. She embodies the word Witch.

This is a truly transformative path I am walking, walking for exactly a year and a day.

Then I'll run.

Tick tock

2009-01-23T23:39:00.001-08:00

I'm still learning how to be a Witch.

Life is a blur these days but I will return, promise.

Jus' sendin' a little love on this Winter night~

Long Night Moon

2008-12-21T10:35:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!

Looks like I've got some catching up to do!

I got thrown out of orbit this last couple of weeks and am just now getting back to...well, everything.

This has been the strangest month and I suspect the Moon is the culprit. On December 12 we experienced the closest full moon since 1993. If one were to doubt the influence of the full moon (as well as new moon) they might do well to take note of the extra high spring tides along the ocean shoreline. The effects of the full moon were exaggerated this month due to the proximity of the Moon to Earth and I was feeling it for sure.

In short, I was a wreck. My emotions were ping-ponging around inside of me creating a nervous energy that was tiring and stressful. I was a little shocked at some of the things that came out of my mouth. I cried. And I cried. A lot. My body ached, I've had a neck & back ache accompanied by a headache for the bulk of the month so far.

Coming to the understanding that it was the lunar energy that was spinning me out I wonder if I knew more about attuning my energy if I couldn't have processed all of that differently and seen more positive effects. I suppose in 8 years I'll be far enough along in my Witchy ways that I'll be ready.

Oh, and did I mention- my birthday was on the 13th?

Not a good day. I'll spare you the details but every intention to make it a joyous occasion fell through. Even when I resigned myself to the idea that it would just be a day for catching up on errands and getting things & stuff accomplished....no go. In the end I just ended up going home, crawling back into bed and crying for the next few hours.

Alas, do not fret-
The light at the end of the tunnel for that day was weed & booze. I decided the best course of action was to smoke as much as I needed to elevate my mood. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work. Sounds of water bubbling and coughing filled the night. Ultimately, success. A nice long conversation with my mom helped as well.

My man friend had to work that day and was intent on taking me out to dinner afterward to which I had protested, crying in the restaurant on my birthday just seemed too pathetic. Now that Mary Jane would be joining me I was bolstered and thought I just might be able to go and possibly enjoy myself. It pretty much mostly worked. I wasn't joyous but I managed not to cry and take down two stiff drinks (top shelf mojito & long island ice tea) as well as a piece of spectacular cheesecake. I do love cheesecake.

I missed three days of work when my 'monthly visitor' arrived. I was in so much pain and so emotional I could hardly stand myself. I had to cancel a full week of appointments. Hmmmm, happy holidays indeed. I am looking forward to my vacation that will be starting in two days. Once I'm on that jet plane I'll really be flying high.

On another note, I am going to be having my Dedication ritual with my mentor on Jan. 9th. Yikes. I've got so much work to do for that I'll be working hard during vacation but at least that's all I'll be focusing on. Besides fun, I'll be focused on that too. Oh, and I've got to pick my witch name as well. I've got a couple of ideas I'm tossing around....that's a toughie.

Any pointers on how to choose? Any resources anyone would like to name? I'm all ears. (I love that saying ;)

A very sincere wish for bountiful blessings for all the world over, may each and every person on this earth know love and banish fear~

~Happy Holidays~

The Shape of the Day

2008-11-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

I know that if we were to harness the power of our minds we could do anything.

I know lots of stuff.

But do I really believe it? Enough to live it?

I had a talk with myself yesterday about the power of intention. I told myself that we DO believe we can change anything we want to. That we DO have the power to make our life whatever it is we aspire to. It IS possible. And we're doing it.

Slowly but surely.

I am truly making an effort to become the person I know I can be.

It's a slow and often painful process but as we've all heard before, each day is an opportunity to make a different choice. I am practicing being compassionate towards myself for my slip ups while at the same time still pushing to make progress.

I'm attempting to turn over my life, shake out all the bugs and grow higher and stronger than ever before.

In taking control of my health I am seeking to create unity between myself and Divinity. To create balance. I'm working at taking all of the loose strings, my poor health, my shriveled ambition, my hunger for spiritual fulfillment, my displeasure with my habit of 'wasting' time, multitudes of unfinished projects, my poor nutritional habits, my inability to budget money, my lack of self discipline, and I am attempting to pull them all together and turn them from ragged strings into a dazzling weave of dreams realized and potential fulfilled.

I'm going to the gym 5-6 times a week now, I'm doing better about my diet though I'm not obsessing over it, I've practiced centering a few times (still need much more practice!), working on the wedding planning some more, and cleaned my house finally!!!!

I'm getting there. I'm trying and I know that is all I can do.

One year ago today we lost our baby in a miscarriage. When I look at where I was a year ago I feel a sense of accomplishment and can see the ample blessings that have been showered upon me. I feel I have made major strides, realized a lot of the goals I set for myself. Looking back helps me to see more clearly where I am now. One year ago today.

Sigh.

Day by day.

Centering 101

2008-11-13T10:07:00.000-08:00

My first practical assignment is to practice centering.

Any recommendations?

This is tough.

I don't really know if I'm doing it 'right'....

(Since I do not have my mentor's permission to use her name I will give her a name so I can quit referring to her as 'mentor'. Her name is now Swan.)

Swan and I had a great conversation about being present in your body, being aware of your body and some suggestions for centering. We tried it for a minute and I did feel a slight change, a mellowness and a.....stability (seems like a weird word to use..) that wasn't there before.

Interestingly this whole practice sheds light on something I have been actively working through for the last 6 mo or so. The dreaded 'Body Issues'. Yeah. Icky stuff.

One thing I have realized recently is that I have a resentment towards my body. I feel like it has betrayed me by hurting so much and being so out of whack. So, on a conscious level I know that the only reason it's behaving this way is a direct result of the way that I treat it but childishly I feel like it should supersede my tomfoolery. I could understand it if I were like....60 or something but the fact that I am only 30 and have so many health problems seems wimpy.

The resentment extends past my physical illness' to my sexuality. I was one of those girls that developed early and with that development came a whole lot of lessons, trials and tribulations that I had to deal with at a very early age. Too early I think. In many many ways my developing body took away the last few good years of what should have been my childhood and made me painfully aware of my approaching womanhood.

So, over the years I've learned to take myself out of my body. Now, trying to 'come back' has been difficult. I have only been taking notice of my body when it is in pain, otherwise I don't pay it much attention, I live mainly in my mind.

Plus, how do I know when I'm doing it? What does centering feel like?

Questions, questions, questions.......

The wheel of the year goes round and round

2008-11-10T09:40:00.001-08:00

I have no idea where or why the song 'wheels on the bus' is stuck in my head but it is.

I am happy to report many wonderful things happening in my world.

Firstly:

Barack Obama.
I feel like our country passed an IQ test when they elected him. I don't think he is the answer to all of our problems, after all he is just another figurehead but what I do respond to is that he is DIFFERENT. He has a fresh optimism, a true spirit of teamwork, he believes that we can change for the better and he has inspired people in our country to hope for better days as well. That's good enough for me. I'm so sick of seeing what is essentially the same guy up there saying the same things, spewing messages of fear, issuing threats. The acceptance speech Obama made was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

Second:

I had no idea when my contemporary offered to mentor me that she was offering to be my full blown teacher for my year and a day training. I thought perhaps she was offering to answer emails if I had a question now and again. Nope. She's in it for the long haul!! We are even talking about doing a dedication ceremony come Yule time.

We've met a couple of times so far and it's been truly wonderful. She did our natal charts both as separate people and then for how we work as a pair and it's very encouraging! I love that we began our work together after having gone over our charts together and really opened up to each other about who we really are. Very refreshing.

The last time we met we began working on centering. This is brand new territory for me, it's a difficult thing for me to grasp for some reason. I don't have very acute awareness of my body, we've sort of been in a show-down for a long time now. It gives me lots of grief and I've not been very kind to it either. Quite the project.

And there's writing. Lots of writing. She likes to give essay topics which is great, writing is a fabulous way for me to communicate and I don't do nearly enough writing these days. My poor journal has dust on it!

How is it I feel I never have the time to really accomplish all the things I want to do? I've really been putting the pressure on myself to manage my time more effectively these days.

Thirdly:

I've begun going to the gym with regularity. Just when I thought I couldn't afford a personal trainer my gym ran a half off special on Halloween day and viola! I have a pile of sessions for three months. I also seceded to have the sessions be my birthday present from my man & my parents as well so that will help me 'explain' the cost. Plus I've been telling myself it is a wedding expense.

All last week I was so sore I could barely walk so I only made it to the gym for my training sessions, this week I'm going to try to make it in there on my off days for my cardio workout. One day at a time right? And of course I continue to work on my diet, I've been trying to steer clear of the frozen 'Lean Cuisine' type foods and eat 'real' food but make it calorically correct...I feel a little shaky about this but I refuse to go back to the strictly frozen food diet. It's just not natural.

And fourthly:

(Is fourthly a word? I suppose it is now!)
It snowed here! Just a little bit, enough to blanket the trees and cover the ground though it was gone in a couple of hours, it was astounding. I got up early after not being able to sleep and came out to the living room to say good morning to my kitty and there it was! I felt that squeeze in my heart I that I get when the first snow falls, I can feel it still. The change of the seasons is so truly miraculous, it touches my soul each and every time.

To anyone, everyone who might read this, I hope these words find you in a state of grace today.

Blessed be~

Hear me roar!

2008-10-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Alright, things are looking up today, just as I suspected they might.

A girl I work with has said that she could use a work out partner and now that I opened my mind to shifting my schedule around and rethinking some things I've realized it can work. I'll have to work out after work which is difficult as I'm sure everyone can sympathize, after a long day it's nice to just go home and chill but I can't seem to get my ass out of bed to get to the gym anywho so I'll give it a try with her after work.

And I got a very very cool email back from my favorite witch to work with her concerning my year & a day training. She has offered to construct a coven with just the two of us! I couldn't be happier! It means that I will have to stay up late and work out then rush home, get to bed right away and get up early to go meet with her to do our studies then rush home to get to work on time. Sounds hectic and I'm sure it will be but I guess that's life!

Whew! I'm going to have to get soooo organized with my time.....

I've got to give up thanks though, I asked and the Universe responded. Two very cool people have stepped in to help me realize my goals.

Kind of a warm & fuzzy feeling huh?

Yeah, it's warm & fuzzy alright.

Thank you.

Give me back my lion's heart

2008-10-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should write myself out of this funk I'm in.

Problem is, there are so many things going on I don't really know where to begin, how best to articulate and if it is the proper forum to air this laundry on the web and of course, does anyone (besides me obviously) give a damn?

Well, at any rate, I'm going to give it a go and see if it does indeed make me feel better or bring me some clarity.

At the very least I know my girl Giggly reads this and that's good enough for me.

Ok, it all began first thing this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm going to (finally) begin getting up early and meditating & working out. I even went to bed extra early last night to facilitate this.

Alarm goes off.

Snooze.

For an hour.

I finally get up and lump about until my meeting for my 'free personal assessment' with a trainer at the new gym I joined.

I don't know what I was expecting but essentially what I got is:

You are out of shape.

You are over weight.

You can meet these goals but you're going to have to work your ass off.

You are going to have to pay a ton of money for a personal trainer, more than is reasonable and/or affordable so forget it.

The 'fitness group' that you wanted to join is less expensive than the personal trainer you wanted but is still outrageous and even though you decided to pony up for it, it isn't available outside of your work schedule so forget it.

Oh, and in order to get a workout plan put together for you we're going to need you to cough up $350.00 for a heart rate monitor, a cardio endurance test that will tell us what your target heart rate is and then we'll come up with a plan for your workouts.

Bullshit.

I can't believe the cost after cost after cost.

So I left feeling very dejected and discouraged.

Then at work, I start thinking about how the Wiccan group I was hoping to dedicate with told me to hit the bricks.

It still stings. Again, dejected and rejected.

It breaks my heart that I finally for the firstest time ever find a group of people who are on the same path, that feel like a real community of like minds and BAM! the door is shut.

"No, you walk this path alone." (that's what I hear)

Yet, I do feel like it is good to be humbled and so I emailed the one person I felt I connected to the most and asked her for some help putting my own year & a day training course together. I also asked if I could still come to esbats from time to time. I told her that I was hurt and confused by the way in which the door was closed not only to study but seemingly to the community as well (mainly due to the fact that I haven't heard from anyone at all once since it was known that I wasn't dedicating with either group)

It's my truth and I had to say it, it made me feel silly and small and weak but I said it. At the time when confronted with the decision not to dedicate me I played it cool and made my best effort not to show I had been affected. This is what I do, I play it cool and brush off the most insane shit people throw at me. This in particular wasn't an 'insane shit' instance but the others make me cringe to think about.

What next you ask?

Someone who was previously a good friend just had a baby today.

Why is that a total bummer?

Well, she basically stopped talking to me for a (then) mysterious reason nearly 10 months ago.

I talked to her, likely, a total of maybe 8 times during those months. During one of those calls she decides to tell me she's 6 months pregnant. Drama, drama, drama, I won't go into how fucked up that all ended up being but after she told me that she stopped talking to me again totally. I'd call all the time and she wouldn't answer my calls, email, myspace, nothing. Nada. Zip.

So today she calls and tells me she's had the baby and then just goes on talking like nothing weird ever happened. Like I'd just talked to her yesterday.

Oh, and turns out she wasn't 6 months pregnant, she was 8.

Her new friends threw her a baby shower a week ago. It was fabulous, they gave her a ton of gifts.

Neat.

No idea why she decided to keep all of her friends & family in the dark about this baby but her new work friends have known all along.

She didn't even tell her mom, a friend of ours told her about a month ago. A month before the baby was born. I have been struggling with the rejection she doled out, hoped I'd get to talk to her at least once more about the baby and some of the potentially dangerous mistakes she was making (she didn't go to the doctor ONE time before going in to have him) before the baby came but no luck. So, I had to play it cool and pretend I wasn't upset, just chat as if everything was cool. What, I'm going to pick a fight with a BRAND new mom? Right. Plus, I was blindsided. Shocked. Just like when she first told me about the baby.

Today, my heart was made out of glass.

I'll have my lion heart back tomorrow though.

I just know it.

I feel like there is a sticky, goopy tornado whirling around inside of my chest & stomach.

What a day.

As the wheel turns

2008-10-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, admittedly it didn't take me long to get over it all.

About 3 hours.

I can see the wisdom in this turn of events.

I'm back on my feet and planning a dedicancy ritual of my very own for Samhain.

My year and a day training starts Nov. 1st.

I can see that the Lord & the Lady have seen fit to show me, again, in another way that anything worth having in this life is worth working for. There are no easy answers. It's easy enough to lurch along with classes while under pressure to perform. I squeeked by exceedingly well my whole life. I did during my Seeker classes too. Sometimes I wouldn't do any of the homework until the day/night before.

Depth of understanding & enlightenment won't come that way. I'm going to have to conquer my greatest foe in order to become a real Witch.

My lack of discipline.

There is a reason for everything. A lesson.

To use a phrase the youngsters are all wild about, I got served today.

Even more, my year and a day training will correspond with my impending weight loss/ work out training.

There is a voice speaking to me in the back of my mind, my own little Jiminy Cricket. It says in a tone of voice that I don't much care for "you can run but you can't hide." I've got to get motivated and save myself.

Mission Statement:

To actively work to save myself from a life of boredom, complacency, bad health and over all lack of spiritual fulfillment.

whew. I got myself all excited.

Solitare

2008-10-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

So, I guess I am a Solitary Witch.

I don't really know how I feel about this just yet so I hope this doesn't come across as too pitiful, I'm sure it's as intended, but I feel bummed all the same.

I got the word today that the group I had been petitioning dedicancy to has said that they will not be accepting me for initiation.

Sigh.

The only issue they mentioned is scheduling. I work till late at night and they were wanting to meet during the week. I don't know if there is more to it than that, if there is I guess I don't want to know. All of this leads me to wonder if I totally screwed up by not leaving the door open to study with the first group I began my seeker classes with. But, I guess it's too late for that. I told them on Friday that I would not be seeking dedicancy with them. Really tho I had already figured out that it wouldn't quite work out for me to study with them.

And now I'm left where I was scared to end up. Ready to go, totally into pursuing this and......no teacher. Again. I guess it's my destiny to walk a solitary path.

I couldn't believe my luck that I'd 'stumbled' into this rich Pagan/Wiccan/Witch community complete with tons of classes and full blown initiate training. I was so close to beginning my year and a day training. I've been looking forward to this for so long. I feel deflated & disappointed.

What is so upsetting to me is that I was really looking forward to learning all of this from people, not just from books, to see this done in real life. I need the structure of class to keep me motivated and to help me to know where to begin and how to work through all of this wealth of knowledge. I don't just want to flit from thing to thing when I have the time. Now there are no classes. There is no initiation. It's just me. Stumbling through this.

The one nice thing is that one of the people I connected to the most intensely has offered to be a mentor of sorts. She has said she would meet with me regularly. I know how that goes though, she is still teaching the Seeker classes, running a brand new coven and possibly starting a new job at some point in the future.

I feel like crying.

When they told me it was so hard not to show how disappointed I was. But instead I always do this thing where I pretend I'm not upset, that everything is ok and concentrate on convincing them that I'm not upset when I really am.

So I guess it's up to me now to puzzle all of this out and go off on my own. They said I would still be invited to open rituals but most all of the actual sabbats are closed I'm sure.

Always on the outside looking in.

Thank the Lord & Lady the dishes were done and the house clean when I got home tonight, I really don't feel like I can handle any more disappointment today.

What makes it more of a bummer is that our full moon ritual went smashingly tonight. At least I thought so. Maybe they didn't.

Oh well, I'm off to throw a pity party for myself.

Wanted: Inspiration

2008-10-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

While everything about the weather, the season & the landscape is inspiring lately, I just don't seem to be inspired to write. I have been painting but no writing. I can't think of how long it has been since I last wrote poetry.

Hmmm.

It's not that life has been all that serious as of late but I think there is a pervading funk enveloping the U.S.A. right now.

I'll be back.

Turning

2008-09-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

There's so much going on these days I can hardly keep up with myself!

Life gets busy and I stop blogging...

I met with the new group that I'm looking to study with and had some tea. We talked, and talked, and talked-well, mostly I talked which is really strange for me. It's a rare thing when I am with someone who I feel I can speak with freely. Most especially on the subject of spirituality and other such things. I can b.s. with just about anyone on 'every day' topics but I find it's best to keep silent on a majority of things I want to say. I didn't used to care about being inflammatory, and it's not as though I worry about what others think of me now it's that I have realized one doesn't have to shout from the rooftops to validate themselves to others. I am who I am and while that seems to be left of center I'll just keep that as a tasty little treat for 'others' to discover with time as opposed to slapping them in the face with it.

I've been having a hard time finding time to squeeze in my spiritual practice. I've been meaning to start meditating every morning & exercising again as well. This last week I was lucky if I got up & to work on time. I'm naturally a night person and my job definitely caters to that proclivity.

A good chunk of the things on my to-do list have been taken care of these last couple of weeks tho so it should be a little easier to get going on that front.

I will be starting a week long fast on monday per orders from my holistic doctor. I had a series of tests done and he has determined that my blood sugar is to blame for all of my health woes. According to the tests I'm very nearly diabetic. My body does not process sugar correctly thus the insane weight gain, low energy, headaches, joint aches, skin problems, and a myriad of other things. So, we are going to start taking some steps to get me put right. Firstly I have to start losing weight and exercising. Those two things just so happen to be my first priority as well. I found that this week while I've been 'gearing up' for this fast I've been drawn to indulging in my favorite foods because this is the 'last time' I'll be able to have them. Damn. I'm a food junkie. I love pasta! Oh well, I like my health more...(says the girl who is getting ready to exist on what is loosely called a smoothie but in reality is flavored powder in water for an entire week.)

Wish me luck.

Shadow time

2008-08-18T13:16:00.000-07:00

During the full moon esbat on Saturday night we were called to reflect upon our shadow selves. 'Tis the season for self reflection!

I know for some this can be a hugely difficult task, for myself, I've been communing with my shadow self since I was a child. While I've always known her and acknowledged her I have only recently come to understand and accept her role in my life and my spiritual advancement. I never had a context to put this shadow self into, never known why she existed or appreciated how knowing her has helped me to be self aware. Growing up I thought there was something wrong with me, this darker self, this shadow aspect seemed 'bad' in the Christian context. I fought her thinking that if I could kill off the darker aspects of myself than I would be enlightened, without blemish, clean & pure.

Thanks again Christianity.

Now that I understand what function my shadow self serves I am able to trust & accept her and integrate the knowledge that she offers more readily. There is duality in all aspects of nature, if we could but appreciate that there is no light without darkness I think we would all be a little more compassionate towards ourselves and the world as a whole.

Listening and learning, what a concept huh? I'm getting it, bit by bit.

In other news, I made it in to the local herbatorium (my term, I like the way it sounds...) and purchased some herbs for a gift I am making my new niece. I am sewing her a decorative pillow for her crib, it's in the shape of a star and will contain red roses, lavender, clove & frankincense in a satchel tucked in the middle. I plan on blessing the herbs and sealing them with a prayer for her health, happiness & protection. This is the first time I've done anything like this so I hope it goes well, we'll see!

Can you feel it in the air at night?

2008-08-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
George Eliot

Wise words Mr. Eliot, I would have to agree.

Though it is still very hot & humid here I have noticed that the nights are a little cooler. Really what has got me excited is that August is half over and I just know that we are getting closer and closer to Autumn. I have to say I was taken by surprise when I realized that summer is nearly over.

This particular summer has sped by, especially compared to last summer which I thought would never go away. We haven't had nearly as many days of scorching hotness as we did last summer also which is a big bonus. When I look back on last summer I am really able to feel that we are in a better place. Better location wise, employment wise, mentally, artistically, motivationally, spiritually, it's all on the up up and away train.

I never really realized what the Autumn season signals to others, I never thought of it as being a beacon to my (previously undiscovered Witch family) all the world over. With the recent turning towards Autumn I have come across a couple of testimonials to the connection between Autumn and Witches. The following text is written by Victoria David Danann for Seasons in Avalon School of Witch Arts. The excerpt pertains to what I speak of, the rest of the essay is extremely important and should be read in it's entirety at: http://witch-school.com/CallToHealing.html

"Sometime in my early thirties, to the best of my recollection, I glanced out the window and did a double-take as I felt a surge of inexplicable delight. Something had changed in a way I perceived as "overnight". The shadows were cast differently somehow. The sunlight seemed softer, as if a filter had been installed between Earth and Sun. Even the dance of the tree leaves had changed.

I began to look forward to that one day every year -- the day when I would casually glance out a window and feel a rush that said, "Fall!" I always knew I loved Fall. I didn't always know that it's partly because of my calling and predisposition as Witch. Fall marks the beginning of what I call Magick Season; the time, between Samhain and Yule, when Witchcraft renders the greatest satisfaction and the greatest rewards."

It's funny, as I was writing my lovely friend Giggly all about how much I love this time of the year I received a letter from her in turn saying the very same things.

I am in such a happy place right now, even though money continues to be an issue and there are always oh so many things to do I can't help but feel positive and excited for the future. Such a welcome change.

As the days & nights grow cooler I feel more alive, more myself, exhilarated, ready

"The hazy, cloudless skies of Indian Summer.
Leaves scurrying down the street before the wind.
The cold shiver from an arctic blast. Indian Summer.
The last warmth of the sun.
Chilly mornings and glorious warm afternoons. The Harvest Moon. The Hunter's Moon.
Dry corn stalks clattering in the wind.
The touch of frost on grass and window pane.
The smell of burning leaves."

Keith C. Heidorn

A new day

2008-08-04T07:29:00.001-07:00

Well, though I may have fallen off the wagon.....BIG TIME....I am not quitting like I have in the past. I have launched many many health campaigns in my time and not followed through on any of them. I haven't gotten as far as I have this time before either. It looks as though my schedule is going to be stable now and is far more conducive to working out and eating healthy than practically any before. I don't have to be to work until after noon so there is plenty time to get to the gym and get a work out & shower in plus a healthy breakfast & lunch before I head to work.

I have to commit now because I bought shoes! I finally splurged and bought myself some really nice athletic shoes. I used a coupon but still they were more than I like to spend on such things. I'm not a tennis shoe wearin' kind of gal in my day to day existence so while I need actual everyday shoes I was hesitant to go with the athletic shoes instead.

I have a pitiful shoe collection as far as most women are concerned. Most of my shoes are for special activities, I have hiking boots, steel toe work boots, insulated steel toe work boots, Doc Marten pole climbers (boots that go up to my knees), two pairs of shoes that have holes in them with cracked soles, two old pairs of Doc Marten boots that I wore for over ten years and are retired but I can't bring myself to throw out, three pairs of platforms that are my only dress shoes, a pair of Adidas tennis shoes and that's it. Pretty pitiful. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit though so I usually get discouraged, it's akin to bra or swimming suit shopping for me. How did I get on the subject of my shoe collection? Bah, I'm rambling....

Anyway, I'm going to start going to the gym again dammit. I've now got less than a year before my wedding, time is ticking. Speaking of which can you believe it's August already? All of the back to school ads have been throwing me. Is fall really right around the corner? Wow.

Hey, where did everybody go?

2008-08-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

I miss having friends.

This is a slightly hypocritical remark on my part due to the fact that I find myself too busy or rather....preoccupied most of the time to put in the work to maintain an active friendship with anyone around here. It takes a lot for me to take a relationship from casual acquaintance to close friend, to someone who I feel comfortable calling up to go to the movies, have a drink or come over for a chat.

I'm guilty of not feeling up to the challenge of going through the paces with someone new. I want instant close friends, like the washcloths that are shrunk down in cute shapes and expand into sponges or washcloths when dropped in water.

I haven't really had much luck meeting people living here the last few years, in the past when I would be alone for the whole summer I would get brave and hunt for friends. This led me to craigslist.

Yeah, that's right.

I made friend dates with people off of the casual acquaintance section of craigslist. It made for some fun, wild, weird stories but ultimately didn't lead to any long term acquaintances. I don't regret a single one of them, well....except for one guy who was....strange. He looked like an adult size leprechaun but add scary sharp teeth...he was very needy & self obsessed. He seemed to have a whirlwind of drama about him at all times. He would have liked to be bosom buddies but I don't do drama. Especially when I'm just getting to know someone and all they want to talk about ALL THE TIME is their conversations with other people whom I don't know. If you can't take a pause and ask me a question....any question...or involve me in the conversation on any level then I'm out.

This weekend I would have liked to have had a friend. A real true friend. I felt like going out and having some fun for a change of pace, normally I'm not much for going out really. I was really wanting to go out and have a few drinks, wander around down town....something. I called everyone I knew, even those who I don't much care for....no one answered or was able to go out.

Boo hoo.

It was Llamas this Saturday but I didn't go. I've been feeling a little out of sorts about the coven and wanted to make a little space between us. I won't spell out the drama but suffice to say I don't think they are the group for me. I believe I have found an alternate coven to do my year & a day studies with, hopefully that works out.

Well, my man gets home tomorrow and I'm ready. At first it wasn't so bad but now that I've got a case of the lonelies it'll be nice to have him back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

"You aint got to lie Craig!"

2008-07-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

If you know what movie the title is a quote from you too might, just might be a stoner too.

I am, these days, a non smoking stoner.

I think that's part of my problem. I don't do anything to relieve stress lately. Not that smoking the bubonic chronic is the best way to deal with your stress but now and again? Yep. It's just what the doctor ordered.

I have had to quit in order to comply with an impending drug test for my new job. At first I wasn't that bummed cause I'd been laying off for quite some time before I knew I had to give it up for a bit. I haven't been a true blue stoner for years but.........I do likes me some tweeds from time to time. And right now. RIGHT NOW is one of those times. Damn.

I'm practically twitching here.....

Calgon, take me away!

2008-07-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

Arg.

What a week. It's only Wednesday and I'm saying this.....not good.

Sometimes all that gets me through a day without totally wiggin' out is just telling myself over and over and over again-

THIS IS THE DREAM. THIS IS NOT 'REALITY'.

I'm trying to be zen, really I am.

Dear Cat

2008-07-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

Dear cat,

Why do you insist on scooping your food out of the lovely (and probably too expensive) bowl that I have provided for you to eat off of the floor? Your manners are atrocious. I respectfully petition you to consider eating over your bowl like a civilized cat. You know I am not fond of cleaning up others messes, I tell you this all the time while I do the dishes (again and again and again.) Please consider my request and endeavour to develop some manners.

Your loving 'mother',
M.

P.S.
I sweep up all of the chunks you leave on the floor and deposit them back into your bowl, you end up eating them anyway so, ha!

Full Moon Fever

2008-07-20T09:38:00.001-07:00

Well, while I was inside the covenstead enjoying one of the most fabulous full moon esbats ever someone else was driving around wild with full moon fever (or booze, or on their cell phone, or had poked their eye out, the possibilities are endless I suppose..) and crashed into my truck.

Hit and run.

There were a couple of witnesses but alas they were about 12 years old and didn't think to get the license plate number. They were able to describe the woman and her vehicle to the responding officer though and happened to mention that they had seen that car before in the neighborhood and believe that she lives around there. Hopefully this will yield results.

Bummer.

Luckily it's only cosmetic and it's still drivable. I just hope that she gets caught and I don't have to pay my deductible to get it fixed. I've got some figuring to do....

They said that her car was so badly damaged that she was having a hard time driving away from the scene of the accident so that fact makes me think maybe she was drunk. In any case it's a much much worse idea to run from something like that than to just own up to it right away. Karmically and in the eyes of the law as well.

Everything we do, positive or negative, comes back to us.

I'm no saint so I can't put all of this on her. I just hope we are able to resolve this without me having to figure out where in the world I'm going to come up with a deductible.

Blah.

More money worries. Like there isn't enough of those crowding my brain.

In other words, my man and I had a wonderful time together last night. It seems like we don't really see each other much these days with the shifts we are working and him getting his portfolio ready for review. He draws all night while I have to go to sleep so I can get up early and I have been spending a lot of time at the covenstead on the weekends to give him time to draw. He leaves this Wednesday for nearly two weeks. I'm so jealous. I am glad that I have a good job that is quite challenging at the moment to distract me and a TON of stuff going on with the coven. And when I'm not doing that I have a bunch of homework for our next pre-dedicant class to work through. And, of course, I suppose I could continue to endeavor to FINALLY finish a painting for a change of pace.

I'll miss him all the same. The silence of an empty apartment is different when the other person is in a different room than when they are gone altogether. But hey, this is the first summer we haven't had to be separated for the entire summer in years. For the past three years he would leave state to work for the whole summer and I would be stuck here in the humidity and sweltering heat. Just the cat and I sweatin' it out. So I am grateful that he has a good enough job that he doesn't have to do that anymore and we can spend the summer together just being in love and-hopefully- planning the wedding.

Ups and downs~
Such is life

Oh, P.S.
The movie 'The Tiger in the Snow' is wonderful. It's sweet, it's funny, it's a rare treat in this era of plastic Hollywood bullshit, it's foreign so go figure.

Mother Moon

2008-07-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

Getting out of the movies this....morning? That doesn't sound right but we went to a midnight show of Batman and didn't get out till 2:30am, I was struck by the moon. All of my thoughts of the movie and some friend drama were pushed aside and I was awestruck.

Seriously in awe.

It was so full, so bright. I felt her presence, I knew that she saw me. I felt changed by her gaze.

Tonight I gather with my coven sisters (and uno brother) to celebrate the full moon. We ask that
"Goddess of opportunity
Bring good things in life to me
I'll be alert to all that you send
For myself and for my friend"

These days I am wearied in my heart, my body and my soul by the fear and greed in the world. I must strive to remember Mother Moon and the feeling of peace and awe that she inspires within me.

I know that the veil of mysteries is thick, it was thin once but humans clouded it, I'll make my way there.

I just have to remember and imagine all at once.

Blah blah

2008-07-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

Diet.

What an ominous word.

It haunts me.

I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.

There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.

I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.

Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.

My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....

I seem to have no willpower. No self control.

I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.

I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!

I've got to get myself under control.

Sick Day

2008-07-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

I took a sick day today.

I've been having a weird stomach ache and haven't been getting my requisite amount of sleep. I can't wait until the training period is over for my new job so I can get on my actual shift instead of this torturous morning shift. I am just no damn good in the morning.

Sick day has been spent painting (insert smile) and replying to pen pal requests! I registered with a site called allpenpals.com. I haven't had many responses but there have been a couple. The one I'm the most excited about though came to me thru my blog! I didn't even know if anyone aside from my two faithful blogger friends even read this. But to my great surprise my new friend popped up in response to my last post. Now we've exchanged our info and I do believe we're going to start corresponding! In fact I'm cookin' up a little somethin' somethin' for her today.

This Saturday is a full moon ritual and I'm excited. I love full moon rituals. Last weekend was my first pre dedicant class and while it was pretty informal I just enjoy being in that space learning about herbs, gems, deities, tarot cards, mythology.... I can't wait to start my formal year and a day training. This has been such a glorious feeling finally getting involved in my spiritual studies again. (I know I keep saying that...I'll quit soon I promise)

For next class we have to read 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz. I'm excited, my mom read it a long time ago and had told me about it but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

The quote for the day is;

~When the power of love outweighs the love of power the world shall know peace~

Blessed be~

Musings

2008-07-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

For a few years now I've been wishing I had a pen pal.

Someone I could have an intimate correspondence with. Not intimate in the sexual sense, but in a very real sense. A closeness developed with a stranger, a connection across the divide. I've never taken any steps to make this happen, I 'spose there is probably some internet meet up thingy for just such a thing, maybe I will finally do it.

I don't just want to be the writer tho, I want someone to write back. Tell me what's going on in their life, their daily hopes, fears, what the color of their sky is. I want to know their dreams, desires, bad days, favorite songs, I want to know them through their words.

I have sought to do this in a different way, once upon a time, through instant messenger. It ended....with mostly predictable results but a few surprising ones too. I don't think that I'll go that route again.

Part of the appeal is getting mail. I never get anything that isn't bills it seems. I'm sure most everyone in the world can relate to that sentiment.

Oh well, we'll see.........

Still tender but on the mend

2008-07-08T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely unequivocally in love with art.

Every day I see so many things that inspire me, stoke the fires within me that fuel me to create, to daydream, to believe.

Life has been tough these last few years.

Looking back the images that come to mind are dark and dusty, muted. I know there was happiness. I know there was laughter. I also know there was a murky depression that settled over my heart for years.

Nearly 3 years to be exact.

During that time I struggled to be creative, struggled to write. I was inspiration-less. I felt completely lost and afraid.

The light chases the shadows~ I feel inspired, in love with life. I still struggle not to be wary. I feel skittish about celebrating my happiness. And then I remind myself to center and ground. Right now is right now. Revel in this moment.

There is so much beauty in this life, and I mean beauty in the broad all encompassing sense~

The surreal.

The grotesque.

The animalistic.

The serene.

The tender.

The awe inspiring.

The bright white heat.

The magickal.

The mysterious.

The nostalgic.

The sharp that cuts.

The daydream.

My cat thinks I'm boring

2008-07-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've made my way back.

Life can be such a whirlwind sometimes.

I always feel like I'm on the cusp of things mellowing out, of catching a breath. This hardly ever actually happens. I've been trying to work on living in the present moment and not looking into the future- it's tough.

Again, I'm on the cusp of starting a new job. This job drama has been going on for longer than I can begin to tell you. I hear about people who have been at the same job for years and I wonder what that must be like.

For the time being I'm done with the nanny scene. It's not the kids, kids are great. Even when they are naughty they are still bright little lights that shine into my heart. No, it's the parents that mess it all up. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a family where the parents and I will be a team rooting for the kids. This has never been the case. I always end up just being the hired help. It's a very humbling experience, I encourage everyone to do it at least once. It's the kind of perspective one has to live to receive. Once you've been the 'help' you would never dream of treating someone in the service industry with disrespect.

My last nanny job was pretty sweet, I was working with a one year old girl who is the most precious thing ever. We got along fabulously. I was in love from day one. The parents? At first they seemed ok, I thought maybe we could even actually be friends. Two weeks into the job I received another job offer from a company I had been courting for months. The pay, the benefits, the hours, it was all too amazing to pass up. When I told them I was going to have to leave their whole attitude towards me changed. They weren't nice anymore and I could see that again, I was just the help and that though they could see that this was a great opportunity for me all that mattered was how it impacted their lives. Nothing I did to ease the sting seemed to help and by my last day their attitude was just pure crap. Oh well, live and let live I guess.

Now I'm eagerly waiting to start my new job. This is such a huge blessing that seemingly dropped out of the heavens into my lap..... I know it's the wrong attitude to have, I try to curb it, but until I actually show up to work there I have to wonder if I'm going to wake up to find it's all been a dream.

In other news, this Saturday is my first pre-dedicant class. I am so excited, these are classes that are designed to fill in the gap between the seeker classes and the actual dedicant process that begins in January. We are to research a specific deity, herb, stone and tarot card. I love it. There are two other pre-dedicants who will be going through this process with me, they are totally radicool. I can't help but continue to be amazed that this is actually happening. All of it. The job, the classes, the apartment, the guy, it's all such a pile of blessings.

Oh, and the diet? I've fallen off the wagon for a week or so now but luckily only gained back 1/2 lb. I'm getting back on the diet train and I'm going to pull this caboose into the gym starting tomorrow. It's been so hot and humid I just can't imagine going to a weight room without air conditioning....but I'm going to give it a go.

Life is good. Unendingly nerve wracking, but good.

Midsummer Nights Dream

2008-06-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, Litha.

This is the turning point at which summer reaches its height and the sun shines longest.

I've been neglecting my Wiccan studies, it's time to get to work. The sun is high and the time is now.

Beautifully complex

2008-06-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like being human is a new experience for me.

Many days, more often than not I take notice of this world, of me, of others with a sense of wonderment and surprise.

I'm in awe of the heights of achievement some reach, of the capacity within some to love and nurture, of others to create words/pictures/music/sculpture that elevates me to what feels all at once like divinity and damnation.

Being alive is painful, it's confusing, it's amazing, I find it baffling that one person can feel so many emotions all at once and not simply explode.

I am a million words, sounds, memories, sensations, images, emotions, desires all bundled up and stuffed into a package that feels too small.

If I could arrange it all into folders, boxes, have a yard sale and get rid of the garbage, I would be better, more put together.

That will never happen

I will have to learn to exist as this complex force.

Right now............

Right now it just makes me want to have a smoke and a drink.

Summertime and the living is not easy

2008-05-28T12:40:00.001-07:00

Forgive the cheesy title.

Cheesy. Yummmm.

I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:

Lose at least 50 lbs.

Start working out at least 5 days a week.

Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.

Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.

Work on my fiction book I am writing.

Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.

Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.

Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.

I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."

Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"

I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.

It's hard.

Wading through it

2008-05-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

Life is so confusing and difficult.

It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.

These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.

I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.

The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.

I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!

I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"

A Conjurin' Summer In

2008-04-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

Beltane, a time to celebrate conception and look ahead while letting go of things no longer needed.

I had a great time at the Beltane celebration this Sunday. I got to meet a couple of new people who were wonderful, everyone I've met so far in this group is so nice and welcoming. In my experience that is very rare. I'm more at ease during these Esbats & Sabbats than I've been in any kind of gathering I can think of.

The ritual had an air of frivolity to it, the songs were really interesting and I tried to sing along even though I had no idea what the tune was....yikes! Rest assured I was singing very quietly.
We made fairy wands with ribbons which we wrote wishes for the new year on, I have yet to put mine outside for the fairies to find. It was a lot of fun and a nice, long, joyous occasion. The fact that there were a few snowflakes falling from the sky as we were 'a conjurin' summer in' didn't dampen our spirits too much though it didn't escape notice!

Afterward I was able to stay as long as I wanted and was wanted. Last time, during the full moon Esbat I had to leave early and was bummed. Everyone enjoyed the cheesecake & strawberry puree I brought (white & red.) I was able to talk more with our High Priestess and some of the others who I had previously not had the opportunity. I found the similarities within our paths very telling indeed. All who spoke of their journey to Wicca & Witchcraft had parallel experiences to my own. Much wandering from one religion to another seeking a home.

Our High Priestess is a truly amazing woman. She has a long history of teaching witchcraft in our community (12 years!!!!) and dedicates an amazing amount of her time to the craft, her coven, her students and the community at large. I am very inspired by her, she told me she didn't start seriously studying Witchcraft until she was in her 30's as well. She has the most kind, smiling eyes. She really does illustrate what I see as a face of the Goddess. Joy and bounty, kindness and knowledge seem to radiate from her. I feel very blessed to know her.

Really I feel that way about everyone I've met within the coven. They are all very special people and I'm looking forward to knowing them. It occurs to me that they must already know a great deal about me, I believe they have done my astrological chart and being as they are all witches they have a way with intuition and energy reading that tells them things about people, it's scary but.....interesting knowing that there is no hiding. Definitely prompts me to be more real, more careful about what I say, truthful.

Previous to the Beltane celebration I had been listening to an old podcast from iTunes titled 'The Witching Hour' by Stacey Simmons the episode is 'The Wheel of the Year- Beltane.' I enjoy her podcast quite a bit, she is very insightful and thoughtful in her delivery, it's been a wonderful introduction for me.

There were a number of things she mentioned that struck me as interesting and pause for thought;
Life is not the opposite of death, conception is the opposite of death. Life is what is in the middle. Makes absolute sense when one thinks about it, but till then if someone had asked me what the opposite of death is I would have said life.

The Maypole's ribbon pattern symbolizes the connectedness of life.

Popular Beltane foods were red & white. The red represents the female, the white represents the male. A popular thing to bring to a celebration was a white cake and red wine.

There were other things as well but I'll spare you my whole journey as I really am just finding out about it for the first time.

The first time I attended an Esbat was the new moon and we were given the opportunity to write down things that we wanted to invite into our lives and then offer them to Fire to be carried to the Divine. I felt the power in this practice, I took it very seriously and I feel that I have been granted some of those things that I asked for.

We performed that same ceremony at Beltane and were able to write things that we wished to be rid of and adversely things we wanted to invite into our lives. I love this and was glad to do it, I wrote on more pieces of paper than anyone else I think but why not shoot for the stars right?

Overall it was a nice time, I am really realizing how very very far I have to go to ready myself for witchcraft. It is very difficult for me to ground and center my energy during ritual and also I feel I am not going through the proper channels within myself to commune with the Divine. I'm expecting results although I've not taken all the proper steps.

I've been working through one of my 'text books' for class and she talks in there about communicating with your 'younger self' and building power and I know I have not a clue as to how to do this just yet. At first I was really bummed out that I wouldn't be able to begin dedicant classes immediately following my seeker classes but now I see that I have a lot of inner work to accomplish before I am ready to take on all of the other work. There is so much to learn, many lifetimes it would take me to comprehend all of this knowledge.

I stayed home from work today to finish my reading & question sheets and get it all typed up for class tonight. I feel bad for letting my employers down, it was a very difficult decision and I hope I didn't cause them too much strife. Tonight is our last class as seekers and then I will begin working on my own, on myself, while occasionally attending pre-dedicate classes.

Miles to go yet I've put my feet on the path.

My spiritual life Part One

2008-04-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

All of my life I have been on a spiritual quest.

Starting from a very young age I began shopping churches. I've gone to more than a hand full of different churches, researched more than a few different religions/spiritual disciplines. Each and every one of them had some small nugget of truth to offer me but in the end I never felt like they fit. After years and years of searching I came to the conclusion that I could never belong to an organized religion/spiritual discipline, it just wasn't me.

I have taken those pieces of truth over the years and crafted them into my own spirituality, a patchwork quilt of divine truth. From Buddhism I took meditation, reincarnation, the wheel of karma and the art of Zen. From Christianity I took a love, respect and admiration for the teachings of Jesus as well as a child-like adoration of Mary. From Hinduism I took polytheism and the desire to "know" God. Of course there are other nuances that I absorbed as well but these are the biggies.

And yet, I never felt fulfilled. I never felt like I had gathered all of the pieces. I never felt comfortable. My spiritual hunger was driven by what I had always felt was my fatal flaw.

Ever since I was a very very young child I have felt split. Half of me was "good" and half of me was "bad" (by Christian standards.) This feeling of extreme dichotomy is present in some of my earliest poetry and journal writings going back as far as 4Th grade elementary school. I struggled to be "good" enough, "pure" enough but always felt I fell short by what were aspects of my essential personality. By essential personality I mean parts of myself that could/can never be killed off. To deny them would be a lie, something I never could reconcile within myself.
(To clarify, when I talk about "bad" parts of myself I am not speaking of anything extreme, and what I know now is that my "bad" self was actually my shadow self, more on that later.)

I never knew anyone who was a Wiccan. At least no one who was vocal about it. Growing up in a small town I never even saw books on Wicca at the bookstores, I had no idea what it was. Or what it wasn't more importantly. In so many ways I wish I would have known about it as a teenager. All that angst, guilt, the questions, the blind sadness.

As an adult I came across a piece of spiritual literature that suggested that there is no "good" and there is no "bad" there is only light and dark and all the shades of grey inbetween. There is no light without darkness. This concept made a massive difference to me in my concept of self and after reading into it more and taking some time to digest the principle I accepted it as a personal truth.

Now I understood myself in different terms, it was an awakening.

I was finally ready to know my true self.

Full Moon Fever

2008-04-18T14:23:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow night I will be attending my second ritual ever and my first with the coven that has been hosting my seeker classes.

I am so excited, nervous, and....proud? I suppose I do feel a sense of pride in myself that I am taking these steps because I am so nervous and have been so secluded for these last few years. It takes a lot of courage for someone (certainly myself) to break out of their mold and venture forth into adventure and uncertainty and yeah, I am damn proud of myself.
Another layer of trepidation is the added paranoia that this is a door that I am opening to my spiritual self. I've not quite learned how to ground and shield myself though I do work on it. Having had a very surreal and unpleasant experience once before with dark energies I'm certainly wary.

We were given a hand out in one of our classes and it spoke volumes to me, I would like to share part of it:

"It is easier to be celibate than fully alive sexually. It is easier to withdraw from the world than to live in it; easier to be a hermit than to raise a child; easier to repress emotions than to feel them and express them; easier to meditate in solitude than to communicate in a group; easier to submit to another's authority than place trust in oneself." -Author Unknown

There is so much truth in this paragraph, it really strikes me on all levels. For so very long I had unconsciously adopted these attitudes. I thought that they kept me separate, safe and comfortable. Yet what they were ultimately doing was holding me back from the real human experience and dulling my soul.

No longer.

I am now actively crafting a life that will save me and will replenish my heart, my creativity, my sexuality, my spiritual self and destroy the evil EGO. I feel like every experience in my life has led me to this place. I can't help but wish I'd begun earlier though....but regret is a wasted emotion.

After the full moon esbat ritual there is a potluck dinner and that is what's really got me all a twitter. Frequently in social situations where I am not bringing a friend along I'm reduced to the emotional state of a kid on the first day of school. I'm sure it is the same or worse for most everyone but (luckily) all I have to deal with is myself.

Hopefully my cupcakes win the hearts and stomachs of my fellow witches. Pick me! Pick me! Let me join your club! Yikes. I've got to get a hold of myself.

I'm going to go swimming, clear my head and get on the road to my wedding body. (I say swimming but I suspect to others it looks more like drowning such are my aquatic skillz.)

Movin' On Up

2008-04-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we're in our new place finally! This was the most hellish move ever and I can't express how glad I am that it is over! We are both really excited about this new stage in our lives, things are moving in a very positive direction and it's amazing!

Promise I'll write more soon!

seeing is not believing, seeking is believing

2008-03-21T15:52:00.000-07:00

I have not mentioned it but I have begun my seeker classes.
It has been an interesting experience so far, nothing mind blowing but none the less I am thrilled by the prospect that this world does indeed exist.

All of my life I have believed in magick.

I was reminded of this as I went through some of my books while packing the other day. I came across a book I had as a child about fairies & gnomes. I knew at the time that others saw this as only fantasy but I always believed that there was and is more in this world than we 'know.' I have never seen a fairy or any woodland creature that I am aware of but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I have never seen Russia but I'm sure that exists as well. Same thing with outer space. The fact that other people say they have seen them means something, and it's more than a few people so it seems pretty accurate. Same with fairy folk and other assorted woodland creatures. There are many accounts of their existence from all over the world throughout time.

Same goes with magick.

The amazing thing is that now I actually know people who work magick. I have met real witches.

We are still in the very very beginning phase of our classwork, introduction to Wicca & Witchcraft really, but it's fascinating all the same. I feel a sense of calm within me now that I have begun this path. I feel as though this was the stepping stone that has been in front of me for years, I was just too.....cowardly to take the step.

All The Young Dudes

2008-03-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a childcare worker.

A nanny to be precise.

I know it's risky business to talk about such things on a blog but I'm pretty certain that there are hundreds, thousands of us out there in blogger world and I don't intend to "out" my family by disclosing personal details. Since it's such a big part of my life though it's impossible to keep it out of my blog.

With that said, on with the show!

I recently started with this family that employs my services for a couple days per week. Not much, but enough. Especially since we've hit a snag. Every nanny knows the one I'm speaking of, it's that time when you cease to be the cool new person that they get to play with and become this nagging annoying bitch who consistently makes them say please and thank-you, pick up their toys, won't give them all the candy they want and makes them practice writing their numbers & letters.

I only have the one 5 year old boy for most of the day (brother comes after school lets out) and for the first couple of weeks it was going smashingly. Until yesterday. Somehow I went from this fun awesome chick- the first one he had ever met who knew the names of the Transformers and had read Spiderman comics to someone he was mean to and refused to listen to. I thought maybe we were just having bad day yesterday so I tried to brush it off as a bad day and his older brother's influence. But this morning as I arrived to work I tried to have a talk with him over breakfast regarding his previous days actions. I asked him if he really didn't like having me around and if he didn't think we were friends. He said no. He doesn't want to be my friend and he doesn't like me. I named off some of the cool stuff we've done since I started coming over and asked him if he liked doing that stuff, he shrugged his shoulders and I'm thinking to myself that I would have loved to have had someone do all those things with me when I was a kid!

Then it dawned on me, those things don't seem all that special to him because he gets to do them all the time. No leverage there. So I told him that he had hurt my feelings and asked him if he knew what that felt like. He said that yes he did. So now we're trying something new. I'm not in any way being mean to him, just not as accommodating as before. There's no small talk, no lists of fun stuff that we can do with the day, I've just been letting him amuse himself this morning and see what he thinks of that. He knows he's made me upset and it's bugging him but he just won't come around- he's got that toddler stubbornness. I just want him to understand that it feels the same way to someone else when you hurt their feelings as it does when someone hurts his. Empathy is not always an inherent understanding in kids and it's dangerous when it doesn't exist and they grow up without it.

People, do your kids a favor and don't make the only discipline your kid gets be through school and daycare/nannies.

KIDS NEED DISCIPLINE.

I can't stress this enough. It seems simple, but it also seems as though everyone has lost their damn minds with the way they 'raise' their children. They are not pets. They require more than food, shelter, clothes and moments of intimacy. All the money in the world, all of the expensive activities, the college fund you've been paying into their whole lives, the cool expensive clothes & toys you buy them will never make up for the fact that you are gone working all the time and virtual strangers are raising them.

People wonder why there are so many kids shooting people these days? I'm not going to go so far as to point fingers but hey- might want to consider it. I happen to love my job and love kids and would NEVER do anything to harm them but unfortunately not every childcare worker feels the same way I do. Never mind the worst case scenario of them actually abusing the children most of them are just entirely not interested in the kids, they largely ignore them and are rude to them. Sigh, it is a shame when materialism and the lust for bigger better and more competes with a parent's sacred charge to raise their children. I know I'm talking myself out of a job by saying parent's should just stay home to raise their kids but mostly above all I care about the kids and I've seen so many of them grow up confused, spoiled, unhappy, unruly. It's impossible to not love them, I just wish I could be real with parent's about what their kids are going through without pissing them off and losing my job. It's a no win situation.

Now, this in no way is a reflection on those (few) parents who have to work to pay their bills period. No extras, they are just struggling and need childcare to help out- different case altogether.

OK, I feel better having gotten that off of my chest. Whew!

From there to here

2008-03-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

How I got here from there is a story that I feel warrants telling.

This is a story of answered prayers and confirmation of the divine presence in my life.

All of my life I have wrestled between a profound longing for a deep connection to the divine and being content to go about my pleasure seeking, not always positive- life.

About two years ago I dropped out of college for the second time. I have a track record of not following through with things and this was just another one to add to the list. I had my reasons for dropping out and although I was/am happy with those reasons, I felt the sting of disappointment of those around me all the same. Suddenly my days were wide open, without school to focus on I turned to job hunting but wasn't having a lot of immediate luck. Sitting in my apartment for weeks, staring into the abyss of my computer I grew more and more depressed. All of the familiar questions were rattling around in my head; "There has to be more than this right? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life? Is there really a God/Goddess out there listening? What is wrong with me?"

I wandered in and out of depression for the next two years, like I had so many times before. Caught between wanting to do something meaningful and positive with my life and feeling helpless to change myself and/or my circumstances.

While working an unfulfilling job with no real prospects on the horizon I felt like I had finally reached the end of my tolerance for this poor excuse of a life. I was completely unfulfilled in nearly ever aspect of my life and had finally grown tired of it enough to dedicate myself towards making a change. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to change for the better.

I restarted my research into Wicca & Witchcraft and found a lot of comfort in the writings & podcasts, they made me feel lighter, more positive. They helped me to see that the responsibility of my life lay in my hands. That there wasn't going to be a big booming voice from the sky saying "you should apply for _____________ job, it is your life's work." I had been wanting the easy answer, the easy road to enlightenment & fulfillment. What Wicca & Witchcraft did for me was to show me that yes, if I worked hard enough and made it the focal point of my life that I would indeed find happiness and fulfillment (and here is the important part) in THIS LIFETIME. Not after I died and was granted access into heaven, not merely building good karma for the next life, that the rewards would manifest in this lifetime. And I believe that. I do wholeheartedly believe in the threefold law.

And so I lumped along with my reading, working towards change in my employment & living situation, all the while asking for the Goddess to move me, move my life, show me the way.

Well, I was shown a hint. A peek. A wake up call.

I found out I was pregnant.

After 12 years without a scare now, now I was pregnant. We were terrified. We had never planned on having kids, we were totally broke, my fiance wasn't even working at the time. It was time to reassess everything immediately. I had to really look at my reasons for not wanting to have children. Upon close inspection I realized that those ideas were old, irrational fears based on examples of people who were in much different situations than we were. Everything changed, we got used to the idea, were excited about what was to come. We started changing everything- got ready to move, I quit my labor intensive job, it was all a green light.

The day we went in to have the ultrasound done that would tell us the sex of the baby was the most exciting day of our lives. We were giddy with it. Within seconds it was all over and the dream turned into a nightmare. We were told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.

Within 48 hours my mom had arrived to be with me while I went into induced labor. With my mom and my man beside me after 10 hours I had the baby.

In the subsequent weeks as we moved through the healing process I have come to so many realizations. While I was pregnant I was remorseful that I hadn't established my Wiccan/Witch identity and practices previously so that I could impart that to our child- I know enough about babies to know that they are all consuming and that I would have to wait awhile before working on that again. I was remorseful that I hadn't been exercising before , that my body was not in very good shape, my health was poor. I was remorseful that our finances were a disaster and our living situation not conducive to raising babies. The list goes on but suffice to say I wished that a good number of things would have been different.

Now that we had lost the baby I felt like we were given a second chance to do it right. To right all of those wrongs, to be proactive instead of reactive. I now see our 'whisper' baby as a wake up call. During that 5 months I mapped it all out, I saw the big beautiful picture, I found the entrance to the path.

Now we are actively making strides to rectify our situation to get us in a better place physically, spiritually, financially, & domestically. I'm sad for the baby we lost but I know she is waiting for us, waiting to come back when we are ready for her and can make this the most positive experience of our lives.

My prayers were answered, the Goddess moved me alright, it was a bit of a shove to be honest but obviously that is what I needed. I feel so much better about my life, myself and my purpose here. I realized that in the end the fulfillment I was/am seeking is not going to come from any kind of outside source, it will come from me, from my connection to the Divine, my family, my man, it's all about love.

It's No Coincidence

2008-02-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

Lately my mind has been fixated on my commitment to begin the study & practice of witchcraft.

There's not a lot of time in the day when it isn't at the forefront of my mind. And I think, as such, the Goddess has taken this opportunity to grant me the request made within my first ritual. I sent up a prayer to the Goddess asking her to guide me to a path of spiritual fulfillment.

Today as I was in the kitchen preparing a lengthy recipe I decided to listen to an archived podcast from the ATC Pagan Information Network I had downloaded. There were a total of 22 podcasts. I started to listen to one, stopped it and picked another at random. The topic of discussion ended up being; 'how do I begin on the path to studying Wicca?' Hmmm, interesting. Out of all of them I get this topic.

After I finished my recipe I checked the mail and my books arrived for my seeker classes I will be taking in March. Yipppeee! Interesting timing..... After reading the first chapter in " True Magick" by Amber K I went into the kitchen to make some Chai. On the box was a little snippet of wisdom that echoed what I had just been reading in my book, "Wisdom and faith can remove all obstacles and bestow both worldly and spiritual success and happiness." (~Ganesha~)

I'm convinced. The path is clear to me now. I feel the God/dess speaking to me, moving my in my life.

I am so grateful to feel my eyes opening and my soul waking to the task at hand.
My mantra is; All things are possible through the God/dess. As above, so below.

Blessed Be

Not so fast....

2008-02-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

Ok,
so I looked a little more into the Pagan church here and I just......I just....have such a hard time with churches. I guess I've had one too many bad experiences and am wary.
I have committed to at least one set of classes for 'seekers' which begins in March by purchasing the required texts for the classes. Hopefully the books arrive before the classes start! There is another group here in my area that offers classes as well and I may attend their classes too in the interest of comparing and deciding which is the best fit.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a rush here because we may not be living in this area for more than 6 more months. I could kick myself for squandering all of this time here, not taking more of a proactive approach towards appreciating this city for all of its bounty. All in all it has been an entirely amazing experience living here- most of those experiences were internal but I suppose that's not to be discounted.

Moving on and moving up.....

First Ritual Jitters & Joys

2008-02-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended my first Pagan ritual.

It was in honor of the Hunger Moon Esbat. Or the Lunar eclipse as some of you know it.

I have been reading about the Pagan/Wiccan/Witch philosophy for a number of years now and I do believe I've done enough reading to know. This is the closest I've ever come to feeling like I've found a form of spirituality that answers the questions I've been asking. Reinforces the beliefs I've known since the beginning. Speaks to dreams I had as a child. It feels like coming home. And I know that it's mine, this isn't something that someone else turned me onto and could therefor in some way be construed as mirroring. This is all me.

I've been timid about taking the steps to begin practicing and furthering my studies but I've recently decided that it's time to begin this journey. Time to take a new path. I've been looking for a deep personal relationship with the Goddess and a God who speaks to what I know to be true. Not the vengeful, misogynistic biblical God.

I was nervous about attending the ritual but it was in a safe place and it felt like the perfect night to begin my commitment to becoming a Witch. I was afraid it would be a large group of people and that I would be the only newcomer and they would want me to speak (I am going to have to do that for a different Pagan introductory meeting. Yikes.)

Turns out there were only 4 other people there, one of them had never been to ritual before either and the others were exceedingly welcoming and kind. It was a joyous experience and I found myself to be more relaxed than I had imagined. I felt happy and connected to the moment. I am optimistic about this year and it is the very best of signs that I am finally moving in this new direction. This direction has caused it's fair share of waves though, my man isn't thrilled with this step in the least but we're working through it.

Once I finally decided to get serious about researching my options for outside contact and education I find out there is a wealth of resources in this area for the study of Paganism, Wicca & Witchcraft! To anyone who is familiar with the craft this blog will reek with incredulous trumpeting of an ugly swan but please understand- we all begin somewhere and I just happen to be beginning a little late. As is my custom with most any engagement...I'm working on it OK?! :)

(As an aside: I've been stumbling across a bunch of shit on the internet about 'fluffy bunnies' in regards to newbies, I'm not exactly sure what's being hated on here but it's probably me...)

So, I think I'm going back to church. This time though, it's a Pagan church. I really can't actually believe such a thing exists, small town girl that I am, I mean, wow. Seriously. The town I grew up in never even had a sex shop or a place to rent dirty movies, paraphernalia shops were/are out of the question. Tiny and uptight, full of drug addicted alcoholic bible thumpers this town would burn down such an establishment if it were to be constructed anywhere in the state of _ _ _ _ _ _ .

It dawned on me as I was perusing a store that specializes in P, W & W (Pagan/Wiccan/Witchcraft) items that we truly live in a great country that we can enjoy these spiritual options without personal threat. Around Valentines Day I read an article on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7239005.stm
saying that red items were banned from sale to celebrate Valentine's Day. No shit. Because it promotes relations between men and women. Our government certainly is a far cry from perfect but I appreciate that there are far worse options. I'm grateful for what I have (though I'll never stop asking for more, like a new president!!!)

Church is Sunday. I'm excited. And nervous.

For anyone stumbling across this (or nudged this way by myself and are suddenly finding things out about me you never imagined- SURPRISE!) if my talk of P, W & W freaks you out I seriously urge you to do some reading about what these spiritual paths actually encompass and do not simply close your mind due to smear campaigns, rumor, popular media & ignorance.

There is no Satan in the craft. Satan is a Christian construct, not a Pagan or Wiccan figure. Witchcraft is not Satanism. Only Satanism is Satanism. I am in no way now or will ever be in any type of association or league with the Devil. Rest assured. It's a dirty rumour that the two are intertwined.

Knowledge is power people.

For real.

Daydream away in a Daydream Nation

2008-02-20T10:11:00.000-08:00

There is a large grey cat dreaming in my lap.

His paws are flexing, his tail twitching, I'm certain there are birds involved.

Every day he brings a smile to me, my grey companion~

What's a girl to do?

2008-02-14T23:34:00.000-08:00

New beginings are always intimidating.

Are introductions in order?

A handshake?

Kiss on the cheek?

I suppose I'll just jump right in and the general chaos that is my writing mind will unfold undoubtably obscuring all previous intentions.

Beware:
Nothing is off limits here.