I have not mentioned it but I have begun my seeker classes.
It has been an interesting experience so far, nothing mind blowing but none the less I am thrilled by the prospect that this world does indeed exist.
All of my life I have believed in magick.
I was reminded of this as I went through some of my books while packing the other day. I came across a book I had as a child about fairies & gnomes. I knew at the time that others saw this as only fantasy but I always believed that there was and is more in this world than we 'know.' I have never seen a fairy or any woodland creature that I am aware of but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I have never seen Russia but I'm sure that exists as well. Same thing with outer space. The fact that other people say they have seen them means something, and it's more than a few people so it seems pretty accurate. Same with fairy folk and other assorted woodland creatures. There are many accounts of their existence from all over the world throughout time.
Same goes with magick.
The amazing thing is that now I actually know people who work magick. I have met real witches.
We are still in the very very beginning phase of our classwork, introduction to Wicca & Witchcraft really, but it's fascinating all the same. I feel a sense of calm within me now that I have begun this path. I feel as though this was the stepping stone that has been in front of me for years, I was just too.....cowardly to take the step.
photo source unknown
Friday, March 21, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
All The Young Dudes
I'm a childcare worker.
A nanny to be precise.
I know it's risky business to talk about such things on a blog but I'm pretty certain that there are hundreds, thousands of us out there in blogger world and I don't intend to "out" my family by disclosing personal details. Since it's such a big part of my life though it's impossible to keep it out of my blog.
With that said, on with the show!
I recently started with this family that employs my services for a couple days per week. Not much, but enough. Especially since we've hit a snag. Every nanny knows the one I'm speaking of, it's that time when you cease to be the cool new person that they get to play with and become this nagging annoying bitch who consistently makes them say please and thank-you, pick up their toys, won't give them all the candy they want and makes them practice writing their numbers & letters.
I only have the one 5 year old boy for most of the day (brother comes after school lets out) and for the first couple of weeks it was going smashingly. Until yesterday. Somehow I went from this fun awesome chick- the first one he had ever met who knew the names of the Transformers and had read Spiderman comics to someone he was mean to and refused to listen to. I thought maybe we were just having bad day yesterday so I tried to brush it off as a bad day and his older brother's influence. But this morning as I arrived to work I tried to have a talk with him over breakfast regarding his previous days actions. I asked him if he really didn't like having me around and if he didn't think we were friends. He said no. He doesn't want to be my friend and he doesn't like me. I named off some of the cool stuff we've done since I started coming over and asked him if he liked doing that stuff, he shrugged his shoulders and I'm thinking to myself that I would have loved to have had someone do all those things with me when I was a kid!
Then it dawned on me, those things don't seem all that special to him because he gets to do them all the time. No leverage there. So I told him that he had hurt my feelings and asked him if he knew what that felt like. He said that yes he did. So now we're trying something new. I'm not in any way being mean to him, just not as accommodating as before. There's no small talk, no lists of fun stuff that we can do with the day, I've just been letting him amuse himself this morning and see what he thinks of that. He knows he's made me upset and it's bugging him but he just won't come around- he's got that toddler stubbornness. I just want him to understand that it feels the same way to someone else when you hurt their feelings as it does when someone hurts his. Empathy is not always an inherent understanding in kids and it's dangerous when it doesn't exist and they grow up without it.
People, do your kids a favor and don't make the only discipline your kid gets be through school and daycare/nannies.
KIDS NEED DISCIPLINE.
I can't stress this enough. It seems simple, but it also seems as though everyone has lost their damn minds with the way they 'raise' their children. They are not pets. They require more than food, shelter, clothes and moments of intimacy. All the money in the world, all of the expensive activities, the college fund you've been paying into their whole lives, the cool expensive clothes & toys you buy them will never make up for the fact that you are gone working all the time and virtual strangers are raising them.
People wonder why there are so many kids shooting people these days? I'm not going to go so far as to point fingers but hey- might want to consider it. I happen to love my job and love kids and would NEVER do anything to harm them but unfortunately not every childcare worker feels the same way I do. Never mind the worst case scenario of them actually abusing the children most of them are just entirely not interested in the kids, they largely ignore them and are rude to them. Sigh, it is a shame when materialism and the lust for bigger better and more competes with a parent's sacred charge to raise their children. I know I'm talking myself out of a job by saying parent's should just stay home to raise their kids but mostly above all I care about the kids and I've seen so many of them grow up confused, spoiled, unhappy, unruly. It's impossible to not love them, I just wish I could be real with parent's about what their kids are going through without pissing them off and losing my job. It's a no win situation.
Now, this in no way is a reflection on those (few) parents who have to work to pay their bills period. No extras, they are just struggling and need childcare to help out- different case altogether.
OK, I feel better having gotten that off of my chest. Whew!
A nanny to be precise.
I know it's risky business to talk about such things on a blog but I'm pretty certain that there are hundreds, thousands of us out there in blogger world and I don't intend to "out" my family by disclosing personal details. Since it's such a big part of my life though it's impossible to keep it out of my blog.
With that said, on with the show!
I recently started with this family that employs my services for a couple days per week. Not much, but enough. Especially since we've hit a snag. Every nanny knows the one I'm speaking of, it's that time when you cease to be the cool new person that they get to play with and become this nagging annoying bitch who consistently makes them say please and thank-you, pick up their toys, won't give them all the candy they want and makes them practice writing their numbers & letters.
I only have the one 5 year old boy for most of the day (brother comes after school lets out) and for the first couple of weeks it was going smashingly. Until yesterday. Somehow I went from this fun awesome chick- the first one he had ever met who knew the names of the Transformers and had read Spiderman comics to someone he was mean to and refused to listen to. I thought maybe we were just having bad day yesterday so I tried to brush it off as a bad day and his older brother's influence. But this morning as I arrived to work I tried to have a talk with him over breakfast regarding his previous days actions. I asked him if he really didn't like having me around and if he didn't think we were friends. He said no. He doesn't want to be my friend and he doesn't like me. I named off some of the cool stuff we've done since I started coming over and asked him if he liked doing that stuff, he shrugged his shoulders and I'm thinking to myself that I would have loved to have had someone do all those things with me when I was a kid!
Then it dawned on me, those things don't seem all that special to him because he gets to do them all the time. No leverage there. So I told him that he had hurt my feelings and asked him if he knew what that felt like. He said that yes he did. So now we're trying something new. I'm not in any way being mean to him, just not as accommodating as before. There's no small talk, no lists of fun stuff that we can do with the day, I've just been letting him amuse himself this morning and see what he thinks of that. He knows he's made me upset and it's bugging him but he just won't come around- he's got that toddler stubbornness. I just want him to understand that it feels the same way to someone else when you hurt their feelings as it does when someone hurts his. Empathy is not always an inherent understanding in kids and it's dangerous when it doesn't exist and they grow up without it.
People, do your kids a favor and don't make the only discipline your kid gets be through school and daycare/nannies.
KIDS NEED DISCIPLINE.
I can't stress this enough. It seems simple, but it also seems as though everyone has lost their damn minds with the way they 'raise' their children. They are not pets. They require more than food, shelter, clothes and moments of intimacy. All the money in the world, all of the expensive activities, the college fund you've been paying into their whole lives, the cool expensive clothes & toys you buy them will never make up for the fact that you are gone working all the time and virtual strangers are raising them.
People wonder why there are so many kids shooting people these days? I'm not going to go so far as to point fingers but hey- might want to consider it. I happen to love my job and love kids and would NEVER do anything to harm them but unfortunately not every childcare worker feels the same way I do. Never mind the worst case scenario of them actually abusing the children most of them are just entirely not interested in the kids, they largely ignore them and are rude to them. Sigh, it is a shame when materialism and the lust for bigger better and more competes with a parent's sacred charge to raise their children. I know I'm talking myself out of a job by saying parent's should just stay home to raise their kids but mostly above all I care about the kids and I've seen so many of them grow up confused, spoiled, unhappy, unruly. It's impossible to not love them, I just wish I could be real with parent's about what their kids are going through without pissing them off and losing my job. It's a no win situation.
Now, this in no way is a reflection on those (few) parents who have to work to pay their bills period. No extras, they are just struggling and need childcare to help out- different case altogether.
OK, I feel better having gotten that off of my chest. Whew!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
From there to here
How I got here from there is a story that I feel warrants telling.
This is a story of answered prayers and confirmation of the divine presence in my life.
All of my life I have wrestled between a profound longing for a deep connection to the divine and being content to go about my pleasure seeking, not always positive- life.
About two years ago I dropped out of college for the second time. I have a track record of not following through with things and this was just another one to add to the list. I had my reasons for dropping out and although I was/am happy with those reasons, I felt the sting of disappointment of those around me all the same. Suddenly my days were wide open, without school to focus on I turned to job hunting but wasn't having a lot of immediate luck. Sitting in my apartment for weeks, staring into the abyss of my computer I grew more and more depressed. All of the familiar questions were rattling around in my head; "There has to be more than this right? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life? Is there really a God/Goddess out there listening? What is wrong with me?"
I wandered in and out of depression for the next two years, like I had so many times before. Caught between wanting to do something meaningful and positive with my life and feeling helpless to change myself and/or my circumstances.
While working an unfulfilling job with no real prospects on the horizon I felt like I had finally reached the end of my tolerance for this poor excuse of a life. I was completely unfulfilled in nearly ever aspect of my life and had finally grown tired of it enough to dedicate myself towards making a change. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to change for the better.
I restarted my research into Wicca & Witchcraft and found a lot of comfort in the writings & podcasts, they made me feel lighter, more positive. They helped me to see that the responsibility of my life lay in my hands. That there wasn't going to be a big booming voice from the sky saying "you should apply for _____________ job, it is your life's work." I had been wanting the easy answer, the easy road to enlightenment & fulfillment. What Wicca & Witchcraft did for me was to show me that yes, if I worked hard enough and made it the focal point of my life that I would indeed find happiness and fulfillment (and here is the important part) in THIS LIFETIME. Not after I died and was granted access into heaven, not merely building good karma for the next life, that the rewards would manifest in this lifetime. And I believe that. I do wholeheartedly believe in the threefold law.
And so I lumped along with my reading, working towards change in my employment & living situation, all the while asking for the Goddess to move me, move my life, show me the way.
Well, I was shown a hint. A peek. A wake up call.
I found out I was pregnant.
After 12 years without a scare now, now I was pregnant. We were terrified. We had never planned on having kids, we were totally broke, my fiance wasn't even working at the time. It was time to reassess everything immediately. I had to really look at my reasons for not wanting to have children. Upon close inspection I realized that those ideas were old, irrational fears based on examples of people who were in much different situations than we were. Everything changed, we got used to the idea, were excited about what was to come. We started changing everything- got ready to move, I quit my labor intensive job, it was all a green light.
The day we went in to have the ultrasound done that would tell us the sex of the baby was the most exciting day of our lives. We were giddy with it. Within seconds it was all over and the dream turned into a nightmare. We were told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.
Within 48 hours my mom had arrived to be with me while I went into induced labor. With my mom and my man beside me after 10 hours I had the baby.
In the subsequent weeks as we moved through the healing process I have come to so many realizations. While I was pregnant I was remorseful that I hadn't established my Wiccan/Witch identity and practices previously so that I could impart that to our child- I know enough about babies to know that they are all consuming and that I would have to wait awhile before working on that again. I was remorseful that I hadn't been exercising before , that my body was not in very good shape, my health was poor. I was remorseful that our finances were a disaster and our living situation not conducive to raising babies. The list goes on but suffice to say I wished that a good number of things would have been different.
Now that we had lost the baby I felt like we were given a second chance to do it right. To right all of those wrongs, to be proactive instead of reactive. I now see our 'whisper' baby as a wake up call. During that 5 months I mapped it all out, I saw the big beautiful picture, I found the entrance to the path.
Now we are actively making strides to rectify our situation to get us in a better place physically, spiritually, financially, & domestically. I'm sad for the baby we lost but I know she is waiting for us, waiting to come back when we are ready for her and can make this the most positive experience of our lives.
My prayers were answered, the Goddess moved me alright, it was a bit of a shove to be honest but obviously that is what I needed. I feel so much better about my life, myself and my purpose here. I realized that in the end the fulfillment I was/am seeking is not going to come from any kind of outside source, it will come from me, from my connection to the Divine, my family, my man, it's all about love.
This is a story of answered prayers and confirmation of the divine presence in my life.
All of my life I have wrestled between a profound longing for a deep connection to the divine and being content to go about my pleasure seeking, not always positive- life.
About two years ago I dropped out of college for the second time. I have a track record of not following through with things and this was just another one to add to the list. I had my reasons for dropping out and although I was/am happy with those reasons, I felt the sting of disappointment of those around me all the same. Suddenly my days were wide open, without school to focus on I turned to job hunting but wasn't having a lot of immediate luck. Sitting in my apartment for weeks, staring into the abyss of my computer I grew more and more depressed. All of the familiar questions were rattling around in my head; "There has to be more than this right? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life? Is there really a God/Goddess out there listening? What is wrong with me?"
I wandered in and out of depression for the next two years, like I had so many times before. Caught between wanting to do something meaningful and positive with my life and feeling helpless to change myself and/or my circumstances.
While working an unfulfilling job with no real prospects on the horizon I felt like I had finally reached the end of my tolerance for this poor excuse of a life. I was completely unfulfilled in nearly ever aspect of my life and had finally grown tired of it enough to dedicate myself towards making a change. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to change for the better.
I restarted my research into Wicca & Witchcraft and found a lot of comfort in the writings & podcasts, they made me feel lighter, more positive. They helped me to see that the responsibility of my life lay in my hands. That there wasn't going to be a big booming voice from the sky saying "you should apply for _____________ job, it is your life's work." I had been wanting the easy answer, the easy road to enlightenment & fulfillment. What Wicca & Witchcraft did for me was to show me that yes, if I worked hard enough and made it the focal point of my life that I would indeed find happiness and fulfillment (and here is the important part) in THIS LIFETIME. Not after I died and was granted access into heaven, not merely building good karma for the next life, that the rewards would manifest in this lifetime. And I believe that. I do wholeheartedly believe in the threefold law.
And so I lumped along with my reading, working towards change in my employment & living situation, all the while asking for the Goddess to move me, move my life, show me the way.
Well, I was shown a hint. A peek. A wake up call.
I found out I was pregnant.
After 12 years without a scare now, now I was pregnant. We were terrified. We had never planned on having kids, we were totally broke, my fiance wasn't even working at the time. It was time to reassess everything immediately. I had to really look at my reasons for not wanting to have children. Upon close inspection I realized that those ideas were old, irrational fears based on examples of people who were in much different situations than we were. Everything changed, we got used to the idea, were excited about what was to come. We started changing everything- got ready to move, I quit my labor intensive job, it was all a green light.
The day we went in to have the ultrasound done that would tell us the sex of the baby was the most exciting day of our lives. We were giddy with it. Within seconds it was all over and the dream turned into a nightmare. We were told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.
Within 48 hours my mom had arrived to be with me while I went into induced labor. With my mom and my man beside me after 10 hours I had the baby.
In the subsequent weeks as we moved through the healing process I have come to so many realizations. While I was pregnant I was remorseful that I hadn't established my Wiccan/Witch identity and practices previously so that I could impart that to our child- I know enough about babies to know that they are all consuming and that I would have to wait awhile before working on that again. I was remorseful that I hadn't been exercising before , that my body was not in very good shape, my health was poor. I was remorseful that our finances were a disaster and our living situation not conducive to raising babies. The list goes on but suffice to say I wished that a good number of things would have been different.
Now that we had lost the baby I felt like we were given a second chance to do it right. To right all of those wrongs, to be proactive instead of reactive. I now see our 'whisper' baby as a wake up call. During that 5 months I mapped it all out, I saw the big beautiful picture, I found the entrance to the path.
Now we are actively making strides to rectify our situation to get us in a better place physically, spiritually, financially, & domestically. I'm sad for the baby we lost but I know she is waiting for us, waiting to come back when we are ready for her and can make this the most positive experience of our lives.
My prayers were answered, the Goddess moved me alright, it was a bit of a shove to be honest but obviously that is what I needed. I feel so much better about my life, myself and my purpose here. I realized that in the end the fulfillment I was/am seeking is not going to come from any kind of outside source, it will come from me, from my connection to the Divine, my family, my man, it's all about love.
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