The Shape of the Day

I know that if we were to harness the power of our minds we could do anything.

I know lots of stuff.

But do I really believe it? Enough to live it?

I had a talk with myself yesterday about the power of intention. I told myself that we DO believe we can change anything we want to. That we DO have the power to make our life whatever it is we aspire to. It IS possible. And we're doing it.

Slowly but surely.

I am truly making an effort to become the person I know I can be.

It's a slow and often painful process but as we've all heard before, each day is an opportunity to make a different choice. I am practicing being compassionate towards myself for my slip ups while at the same time still pushing to make progress.

I'm attempting to turn over my life, shake out all the bugs and grow higher and stronger than ever before.

In taking control of my health I am seeking to create unity between myself and Divinity. To create balance. I'm working at taking all of the loose strings, my poor health, my shriveled ambition, my hunger for spiritual fulfillment, my displeasure with my habit of 'wasting' time, multitudes of unfinished projects, my poor nutritional habits, my inability to budget money, my lack of self discipline, and I am attempting to pull them all together and turn them from ragged strings into a dazzling weave of dreams realized and potential fulfilled.

I'm going to the gym 5-6 times a week now, I'm doing better about my diet though I'm not obsessing over it, I've practiced centering a few times (still need much more practice!), working on the wedding planning some more, and cleaned my house finally!!!!

I'm getting there. I'm trying and I know that is all I can do.

One year ago today we lost our baby in a miscarriage. When I look at where I was a year ago I feel a sense of accomplishment and can see the ample blessings that have been showered upon me. I feel I have made major strides, realized a lot of the goals I set for myself. Looking back helps me to see more clearly where I am now. One year ago today.


Sigh.

Day by day.

The wheel of the year goes round and round

I have no idea where or why the song 'wheels on the bus' is stuck in my head but it is.

I am happy to report many wonderful things happening in my world.

Firstly:

Barack Obama.
I feel like our country passed an IQ test when they elected him. I don't think he is the answer to all of our problems, after all he is just another figurehead but what I do respond to is that he is DIFFERENT. He has a fresh optimism, a true spirit of teamwork, he believes that we can change for the better and he has inspired people in our country to hope for better days as well. That's good enough for me. I'm so sick of seeing what is essentially the same guy up there saying the same things, spewing messages of fear, issuing threats. The acceptance speech Obama made was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

Second:

I had no idea when my contemporary offered to mentor me that she was offering to be my full blown teacher for my year and a day training. I thought perhaps she was offering to answer emails if I had a question now and again. Nope. She's in it for the long haul!! We are even talking about doing a dedication ceremony come Yule time.

We've met a couple of times so far and it's been truly wonderful. She did our natal charts both as separate people and then for how we work as a pair and it's very encouraging! I love that we began our work together after having gone over our charts together and really opened up to each other about who we really are. Very refreshing.

The last time we met we began working on centering. This is brand new territory for me, it's a difficult thing for me to grasp for some reason. I don't have very acute awareness of my body, we've sort of been in a show-down for a long time now. It gives me lots of grief and I've not been very kind to it either. Quite the project.

And there's writing. Lots of writing. She likes to give essay topics which is great, writing is a fabulous way for me to communicate and I don't do nearly enough writing these days. My poor journal has dust on it!

How is it I feel I never have the time to really accomplish all the things I want to do? I've really been putting the pressure on myself to manage my time more effectively these days.

Thirdly:

I've begun going to the gym with regularity. Just when I thought I couldn't afford a personal trainer my gym ran a half off special on Halloween day and viola! I have a pile of sessions for three months. I also seceded to have the sessions be my birthday present from my man & my parents as well so that will help me 'explain' the cost. Plus I've been telling myself it is a wedding expense.

All last week I was so sore I could barely walk so I only made it to the gym for my training sessions, this week I'm going to try to make it in there on my off days for my cardio workout. One day at a time right? And of course I continue to work on my diet, I've been trying to steer clear of the frozen 'Lean Cuisine' type foods and eat 'real' food but make it calorically correct...I feel a little shaky about this but I refuse to go back to the strictly frozen food diet. It's just not natural.

And fourthly:

(Is fourthly a word? I suppose it is now!)
It snowed here! Just a little bit, enough to blanket the trees and cover the ground though it was gone in a couple of hours, it was astounding. I got up early after not being able to sleep and came out to the living room to say good morning to my kitty and there it was! I felt that squeeze in my heart I that I get when the first snow falls, I can feel it still. The change of the seasons is so truly miraculous, it touches my soul each and every time.

To anyone, everyone who might read this, I hope these words find you in a state of grace today.

Blessed be~

A new day

Well, though I may have fallen off the wagon.....BIG TIME....I am not quitting like I have in the past. I have launched many many health campaigns in my time and not followed through on any of them. I haven't gotten as far as I have this time before either. It looks as though my schedule is going to be stable now and is far more conducive to working out and eating healthy than practically any before. I don't have to be to work until after noon so there is plenty time to get to the gym and get a work out & shower in plus a healthy breakfast & lunch before I head to work.

I have to commit now because I bought shoes! I finally splurged and bought myself some really nice athletic shoes. I used a coupon but still they were more than I like to spend on such things. I'm not a tennis shoe wearin' kind of gal in my day to day existence so while I need actual everyday shoes I was hesitant to go with the athletic shoes instead.

I have a pitiful shoe collection as far as most women are concerned. Most of my shoes are for special activities, I have hiking boots, steel toe work boots, insulated steel toe work boots, Doc Marten pole climbers (boots that go up to my knees), two pairs of shoes that have holes in them with cracked soles, two old pairs of Doc Marten boots that I wore for over ten years and are retired but I can't bring myself to throw out, three pairs of platforms that are my only dress shoes, a pair of Adidas tennis shoes and that's it. Pretty pitiful. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit though so I usually get discouraged, it's akin to bra or swimming suit shopping for me. How did I get on the subject of my shoe collection? Bah, I'm rambling....

Anyway, I'm going to start going to the gym again dammit. I've now got less than a year before my wedding, time is ticking. Speaking of which can you believe it's August already? All of the back to school ads have been throwing me. Is fall really right around the corner? Wow.

Blah blah

Diet.

What an ominous word.

It haunts me.

I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.

There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.

I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.

Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.

My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....

I seem to have no willpower. No self control.

I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.

I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!

I've got to get myself under control.

My cat thinks I'm boring

I've made my way back.

Life can be such a whirlwind sometimes.

I always feel like I'm on the cusp of things mellowing out, of catching a breath. This hardly ever actually happens. I've been trying to work on living in the present moment and not looking into the future- it's tough.

Again, I'm on the cusp of starting a new job. This job drama has been going on for longer than I can begin to tell you. I hear about people who have been at the same job for years and I wonder what that must be like.

For the time being I'm done with the nanny scene. It's not the kids, kids are great. Even when they are naughty they are still bright little lights that shine into my heart. No, it's the parents that mess it all up. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a family where the parents and I will be a team rooting for the kids. This has never been the case. I always end up just being the hired help. It's a very humbling experience, I encourage everyone to do it at least once. It's the kind of perspective one has to live to receive. Once you've been the 'help' you would never dream of treating someone in the service industry with disrespect.

My last nanny job was pretty sweet, I was working with a one year old girl who is the most precious thing ever. We got along fabulously. I was in love from day one. The parents? At first they seemed ok, I thought maybe we could even actually be friends. Two weeks into the job I received another job offer from a company I had been courting for months. The pay, the benefits, the hours, it was all too amazing to pass up. When I told them I was going to have to leave their whole attitude towards me changed. They weren't nice anymore and I could see that again, I was just the help and that though they could see that this was a great opportunity for me all that mattered was how it impacted their lives. Nothing I did to ease the sting seemed to help and by my last day their attitude was just pure crap. Oh well, live and let live I guess.

Now I'm eagerly waiting to start my new job. This is such a huge blessing that seemingly dropped out of the heavens into my lap..... I know it's the wrong attitude to have, I try to curb it, but until I actually show up to work there I have to wonder if I'm going to wake up to find it's all been a dream.

In other news, this Saturday is my first pre-dedicant class. I am so excited, these are classes that are designed to fill in the gap between the seeker classes and the actual dedicant process that begins in January. We are to research a specific deity, herb, stone and tarot card. I love it. There are two other pre-dedicants who will be going through this process with me, they are totally radicool. I can't help but continue to be amazed that this is actually happening. All of it. The job, the classes, the apartment, the guy, it's all such a pile of blessings.

Oh, and the diet? I've fallen off the wagon for a week or so now but luckily only gained back 1/2 lb. I'm getting back on the diet train and I'm going to pull this caboose into the gym starting tomorrow. It's been so hot and humid I just can't imagine going to a weight room without air conditioning....but I'm going to give it a go.

Life is good. Unendingly nerve wracking, but good.

Summertime and the living is not easy

Forgive the cheesy title.

Cheesy. Yummmm.

I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:

Lose at least 50 lbs.

Start working out at least 5 days a week.

Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.

Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.

Work on my fiction book I am writing.

Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.

Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.

Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.

I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."

Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"

I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.

It's hard.