Darkness before Dawn

I've been very hesitant to make this blog all about my health issues.  My quest for better health has been a huge struggle in my life most notably for the last couple of years and so it's inevitable that it would leak into this space but I know how tedious it can be to read about someone elses' health problems so I've tried to be selective about what I share.  One thing I've been pretty open about is our quest to get pregnant.  I know there are quite a few couples out there that have issues in this arena as well and I've appreciated having other bloggers input about their journey so this is one topic I've addressed and now I know there are at least two bloggers who come here just for this reason so I want to give the update on my testing. 

I can't express how glad I am that I listened to the little voice in my head that kept telling me to go in and get the thorough once over to see if everything with my lady parts was oky-doky.  My little voice (who grows louder every day thankfully) kept telling me that everything wasn't okay and she was right.  My new ob-gyn specializes in infertility, she was the first one who ever really listened to my list of complaints and took me seriously, she too felt that the list of issues warranted testing.  The first thing we did was a vaginal ultrasound which immediately revealed that I have a septate uterus, a very large cyst and a uterine fibroid.  She was concerned about the cyst and wanted a better look at the uterus so she ordered an MRI.  The results were concurrent with her findings during the ultrasound plus the test provided a diagnoses of adenomyosis. 

I've been on such a roller coaster since all of these tests started coming in.  A big part of me is relieved to know what is really going on and know that I have the insurance to have it taken care of.  A very big part of me is seething with rage that I can barely contain at times over all of the doctors who I tried to get to listen to me when I told them that something was wrong.  When we lost our baby a few years ago they told us they did every test they could on both of us to figure out what went wrong and both my ob & my ob surgeon are AMAZED they didn't see the problem with the uterus during any of the ultrasounds we had done during pregnancy or that they didn't look at the uterus at all for a miscarriage cause.  I believe it is clearly a case of us not being insured at the time and them not wanting to delve into it for a state aid charity case.  But besides the inept doctors (which isn't new to me in my previous experiences) I'm also pissed at all of the other non-traditional healers (medical intuitive specifically) I have been working with these last couple of years.  That one is tough because I went out on a limb to trust them and to have faith in their spiritual process to guide us to a healthy pregnancy and baby.  EVERYONE kept telling us that we were over our hurdles and it was time to go for it and start really trying to get pregnant.  It devastates me to think what could have/would have happened if I had somehow managed to get pregnant again (which even both docs I have now acknowledge was a miracle the first time around due to all of my issues lining up the way they do to hinder fertility.)  My uterus is too small due to the wall up the middle to carry a baby.  We would have either lost it again around the 5mo mark...again...or would have had to deliver prematurely and risk all that comes with that.  I just keep thinking to myself, WHAT THE FUCK????  I had an entire fucking team on this ONE health issue and not one single damn person could figure it out.  I've been trying to see what the lesson is in this....maybe I'm still too close to it to see it clearly but so far I'm not getting it. 

So now the next step is surgery.  I met with my surgeon yesterday and while I believe him to be knowledgeable I'm concerned with his approach.  For one he doesn't think it's important to remove the fibroid.  His logic for this was pretty fuzzy, he seemed to be telling me that it was a much more involved surgery and he didn't want to 'put me through that' without any consideration for the significant amount of people in my family who have died from cancers or the fact that I made mention that in a year from now I won't have insurance any longer so I may not be able to do anything about it if I don't get insurance after my job is transferred.  

I'm so frustrated, it feels like I don't have anywhere to go for real solid answers.  This is all so confusing and it enrages me to think that I have to hold these doctors hands through all of this to ensure that they don't screw me over again.  And my medical intuitive?  She dropped the ball big time.  After all of this came out I emailed her and told her of the results and point blank asked her how it was that she with all of her spirit helpers and all of her years of doing this work wasn't able to clearly see what the issues were- at least with the uterus- and instead was compelling me to go ahead with trying to get pregnant.  Her response was so amazingly idiotic that in spite of my anger I had to laugh.  I'm still amazed.  Not once did she bother to explain in any manner how she missed this, neither did she apologize or offer any suggestions about my exposed conditions.  She did say that if I needed any further assistance after meeting with the surgeon that I could call her for a free session and she would help out.  Well, after the adenomyosis diagnosis came in following the reading of the MRI results I emailed her again and asked her if she knew anything about adenomyosis, that was two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from her since.  So FUCK YOU LADY!!  How could you sleep at night or live with yourself if you were taking someones money and advising them in matters of health only to find out that you were horribly wrong- without apologizing or bothering to right the situation you just go on with your life and your business? 

And to make matters worse I've got next to no support group as I go through this.  My mom of course is my rock, she's always there for me and I felt so much better when I thought she was going to be able to come here and be with me for this operation & recovery but last night I found out that isn't going to happen.  She's in the middle of closing on a house so she can't leave in the middle of all of the financial stuff.  I'd been keeping a pretty stiff upper lip until she told me that.  When we got off of the phone I was devastated. 

My husband is not known for his nurturing or supportive abilities.  He means well in his own way but he's never had to or been bothered to figure out how to be helpful in the ways that I need him to be.  This was never more apparent to me than when I had my feet operated on, thank the Lord & Lady that my parents were here for that or who knows how it would have gone.  I keep reading all of these blogs where these women have these amazing circles of friends and family that are there for them through their struggles and crises, last night at work I was reading a new blog and the woman was talking about how a friend of hers had some severe complications during childbirth and there were dozens of women who organized to breast feed her baby while she recovers in the hospital.  It was so touching and so beautiful I started crying at my desk.  I feel a massive void in my life where a nurturing community should be.  Aside from my mom there isn't really anyone.  I talked to my best girlfriend about the test results when they first came in and she was concerned but was going to be leaving for vacation in a couple of days and I haven't heard from her since.  I don't want to call people and whine, I loathe talking about it honestly but it would be great to just have someone who would call/email from time to time to check in and just say they were here.  My mentor, Swan, has totally ditched me.  She finally answered my question about whether or not we were still training and or hanging out together and said yes to both counts but hasn't answered an email since.  I just stopped, clearly she is too busy for me. 

I hate that this is starting to sound like a pity party, though I am indeed feeling a little Eyore-ish about the whole thing.  I know everyone has their own problems, such is life I guess.  In the meantime I'll journey into this darkness to find out what she is trying to teach me, this- like so many of the journeys in my life will be a solitary one it seems and there must be a reason for that too. 

Into the deep................

Positive Vibrations

I need to be channeling Bob Marley in a big way. And not just in the weed smoking department.

I've been so negative that it's really slowing me down. This summer it seems has been one of constant stress, disappointment, frustration and rampant negativity. It doesn't help that on top of my own b.s. it seems many of my friends and family are having a tough time of it lately too. The media certainly doesn't help either. I usually make a point not to read the news (not having T.V. keeps me away from seeing it) just to keep my head out of the 'fear fog' as I like to call it. Now and again though I'll get sucked in by some perfectly horrid tag line out of crazy curiosity and I'm always sad I did. Sensationalistic headlines are rarely highlighting some wonderful achievement or some beautiful miracle. They are usually showcasing the dredges of humanity, some horrific event that has happened. And what I don't need is any more proof that people are strange and horrible. I really need to start focusing heavily on positivity and drawing that energy to me. Dwelling on my families problems and trudging through my own then drowning in the sea of sorrow that is humanity is just messing with my head. I've been fighting this depression that I know so well, it knocks on the door every so often and if I'm not careful it sneaks in and takes up residence on my mental couch. It's a rude house guest and I swore I'd never let it in again after the last time it crept in and kept up residence for two years straight. Now, that was some tough times. Nothing like now. Thank the Goddess. I shall endeavor to fight the good fight.

Well, that's enough of that. Moving on and moving up.
I do have some good news to report. I finally couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and I talked with my man about my baby issues/questions. He said all the right things. For a change of pace. It was such a relief, especially due to the fact that I had wicked PMS and the hormonal surges held me captive in a dingy on high seas. One big wave could have capsized my raft and thankfully he didn't. Again, for a change of pace. I'm being hard on him but historically...well, let's just say it's not usually that smooth. He's as excited about this next venture in our lives as much as I am (he wanted to have a baby all along, it's me that took 11 years of our relationship to decide I did too) so he is willing to make the sacrifices that come along with a baby. We're thinking we'll look more closely at planning a time to start 'trying' which is a funny way to put it. I guess it's more like we'll not concentrate on not getting pregnant. Whichever you prefer I guess. Firstly I've got to get some health questions answered and get in better shape. I need to get my blood sugar problems figured out so I don't have the risk of getting gestational diabetes. More on the doctor dilemma another day, that's another source of negativity that I want to stay away from today.

I am making some progress on the magick front. I spent all day last sunday with Swan having a great session and hanging out. She is such a grounding force in my life, a wonderful teacher, an inspiring friend and an all around kick ass human being. Her and her man are just simply wonderful. They always feed me new & exciting food and wines every time I see them. I've renewed my commitment to the study of Witchcraft and am actively working towards creating a daily spiritual practice. This is something I've been yearning for my whole life and never really implemented. Next time I post will be to give a detailed account of the prayer beads she had me make and all that goes with that exercise.

Alas, I've got to get ready to head to the cubicle maze that is my job so I'll have to get into that later which will be a nice break from whining about my problems. I'm sure all four of you who read this will be glad to move on too! Thanks for sticking in there with me~

Brightest blessings to you all and may the Goddess hold you close and whisper in your ear~

All is Love
Love is all
Blessed be.

Baby Brain

On the subject of my summer funk-

(Sorry for those of you who are tired of me musing about my quasi- depression)

I’ve been noticing that there is one thing on my mind an awful lot. I’ll give you a couple of hints:

They cry a lot.

They are irresistibly cute.

They must be fed, dressed, changed, molded and loved 24-7.

No, it’s not another husband…

Of course it’s babies.

And for those of you who know through blogging or from our personal relationship, we lost a baby a little over a year ago. What is strange to me is that while I’ve always loved babies and have been a babysitter/nanny off & on since before puberty I never thought I wanted to have my own kids. This sentiment carried on until I actually got pregnant and then I reassessed my reasoning and realized that I do want a baby, what I did not want was to be a shut-in mom like so many I had known before. (It’s such a long convoluted story and I think I already covered this in a subsequent post..)

Suffice to say, I’m on the baby train now. And what makes it even more appealing is that I am working a job that is not physically demanding, has amazing benefits with ample maternity leave. The hang up? We don’t want to have a baby and then immediately after the maternity leave is up ship it off to daycare. My mom has graciously offered to be our daycare when we do have a baby but it’s got to be when we are all finally living in the same state. Now, this is the plan, we are counting on it and working towards it but we are all at least a year off from moving. The husband and I are waiting for our company to relocate and give us our severance package before we move. My parents have had their house up for sale for nearly a year now trying to move....Who knows when this will all come together…

Everyone I see these days either has a newborn baby or is pregnant. My ovaries keep telling me “Just do it. Go for it. You’re ready now. Do it.”
And then my brain says, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve got to think this out and do it when the time is right. You can’t afford daycare, you don’t want to send your newborn baby to be raised by a stranger, you don’t know when the company is shutting down so get a grip on yourself sister!”

And so, in protest, my ovaries are staging a riot. They keep barraging my brain with thoughts of babies. Constantly. I find myself feeling resentful of others who do have babies. I feel like the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’, my heart feels very small and lumpy when I find myself being resentful of other people’s happiness. Especially about babies, I feel like some sort of monster.

I had heard about women like me, I certainly never thought I would be one. And yet here I am, getting weepy over cute baby clothes, scowling at pregnant women, talking myself into & out of getting pregnant right now….it’s all so messed up. I buy baby stuff if it’s super duper cute and really cheap. I’m convinced when I do have a baby it’s going to be a girl so if that’s not the case then someone better have one cause I’ve amassed a little pile….

And though I’ve kind of sort of talked to my mom & my man about all of this I feel so….embarrassed about it I just keep it to myself mainly. I really really want a baby but in order for that to happen right now everything needs to be drastically different. I find myself being snippy with my man and I wonder if I’m not feeling resentful on some deeper level that he’s not as ready as I am? He wants a baby too but he isn’t feeling the big push I am. He keeps telling me he’s got to get his career figured out first and get some financial stability before we get pregnant. Before we actually got pregnant he was the one who was excited for us to get pregnant. Is he scared we’ll lose another baby? How long does he think we have to do this? We’re getting older every day and the thought of having our child graduate high school right around our 80th birthdays is not appealing.

Is this all hormonal? Is this all just yet another cruel trick played out on us women? Are we helpless against the onslaught of our hormones and our conditioning? Is it cellular memory to want to have babies?

Shit, it’s just too damn hot today to continue to ruminate on such things…
Thanks for sticking in there with me as I sort through this mess~

Disconnect

I know what this feeling is.

I’ve figured it out.

There are peripherary reasons I’ve been depressed and cranky and then there is the core reason.

The peripherary reasons are that I do not function well in a mess. Our house is still full of boxes and the impending work and disorganization is driving me crazy.

Also, I’ve stopped exercising entirely. I went from working out every day, taking my vitamins and counting my calories to eating whatever I damn well please and not exercising at all. My old self-indulgent self is back.

The core reason I’m depressed is so familiar, I’m amazed I didn’t see it for what it is earlier. I’ve known this depression before, it’s being disconnected. I’m disconnected from my spiritual life, disconnected from my body, disconnected from my family, disconnected from my creative self, disconnected from friends. I’ve reverted to being a blob. I eat, work, sleep, watch movies and eat, work, sleep some more. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. Sometimes I feel like being human is the equivalent to trying to swim through mud. Why are we so dense? Why does it take so long for simple ideas to take root? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over?

Infinitely frustrating.

I’m digging myself back out of the hole I’ve recently realized I’ve buried myself in. I’ve got to get my spiritual foundation constructed. It’s absolutely essential. Any advice? Ideas? Do you or anyone you know have a steady, daily spiritual practice?

My homework for ‘class’ this Sunday is to construct a set of pagan prayer beads and come up with three possible mantras. I’ve also been set to the task of researching the use of prayer beads throughout the world religions. So far I’ve done my research and am interested to see nearly every world religion employs some sort of prayer beads. Must be good stuff. It’s a tool that just might be the best idea yet, I’ve got Swan to thank for that, she’s aces.

Still tender but on the mend

I am absolutely unequivocally in love with art.

Every day I see so many things that inspire me, stoke the fires within me that fuel me to create, to daydream, to believe.

Life has been tough these last few years.

Looking back the images that come to mind are dark and dusty, muted. I know there was happiness. I know there was laughter. I also know there was a murky depression that settled over my heart for years.

Nearly 3 years to be exact.

During that time I struggled to be creative, struggled to write. I was inspiration-less. I felt completely lost and afraid.

The light chases the shadows~ I feel inspired, in love with life. I still struggle not to be wary. I feel skittish about celebrating my happiness. And then I remind myself to center and ground. Right now is right now. Revel in this moment.

There is so much beauty in this life, and I mean beauty in the broad all encompassing sense~

The surreal.

The grotesque.

The animalistic.

The serene.

The tender.

The awe inspiring.

The bright white heat.

The magickal.

The mysterious.

The nostalgic.

The sharp that cuts.

The daydream.

Summertime and the living is not easy

Forgive the cheesy title.

Cheesy. Yummmm.

I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:

Lose at least 50 lbs.

Start working out at least 5 days a week.

Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.

Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.

Work on my fiction book I am writing.

Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.

Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.

Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.

I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."

Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"

I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.

It's hard.