Transformation

I've been pondering how to continue to write within this blog about my life and what I'm going through without getting too heavy handed with the health stuff. I really want this to be a space where I explore my progress through my year & a day training and how it affects my life.

Problem is, my health is primarily what I'm dealing with right now and my first thought is that I've not been working so diligently on my year and a day studies these last few months and that's far more interesting.

Upon further contemplation I realized that in fact I really am doing my spiritual work. Every day. And some may say the most important kind. The mental work. As I move through this personal transformation I am changing entirely. It's not just my physical health that is going through an overhaul it's my mind, my heart and my soul as well.

When I was younger I was intrigued and inspired by the Zen philosophy and would have to point to Zen as my first touchstone for conscious thinking/living. And now I strive to incorporate my Zen philosophy with magickal thinking. I strive to curb negative thought patterns, I talk with the Goddess, I notice details about whatever it is that I'm doing- appreciating patterns, colors, textures, tastes, smells, I direct positive healing energy into my projects and seal it with a pentagram. These changes in thought have been especially helpful in the realm of housekeeping and cooking.

While I know for a fact that I function much better in a clean, well organized home I find I have a tendency to get resentful if I feel like I'm the only one working and everyone else is playing. Which is pretty much always the case at my house. And despite all of my prodding (nagging) this isn't likely to change as it's not as important to anyone else as it is to me. Plus, this is something I've been working on my attitude towards because I know it's only going to get worse once we have a baby!! (I can just hear the legions of mothers out there nodding in agreement) and I don't want to be the eternally pissy mother/wife. Ideally I want to create a loving, nurturing, inspired & magickal home that I am happy and proud to be a part of and where people genuinely enjoy themselves.

So I am alternately working on changing my negativity to positivity and learning how to let go of some things. While I prefer a well kept house it just isn't possible right now. The cost is just too high. When I don't let go my relationship with my husband suffers, my stress levels are thru the roof (which in turn affects my health), and in the end not much more gets done so I'm still behind and everyone is super pissed off all the time and I'm working my ass off. Lose-lose.

All of my life I thought I wanted to be a globe-trotting gypsy without a care, without a commitment, nothing to tie me down. I thought about what jobs would facilitate such a lifestyle and went in that direction. Bit by bit I've grown and changed and realized that I don't want to float, I've done that and I'm tired of it, that I need a solid home base and I want a family to grow with and a community to belong to. I am realizing also that crafting a home and a family is not separate from my spirituality, it is a huge part of it. All areas of my life are touched by my spirituality, even my job (which is where I need to do the most work with negativity and such).

I feel that I have been given an opportunity. To see what is important and to go for it. I've been given a diagnosis- FINALLY- and can now begin to heal my body. I've found a mentor who is willing to guide me along my year & a day training, I've got a job that has enabled me to go through all of these transformations while being financially supported, I have family and a husband who support me (in their own ways....), I am ready to shed this outer shell and become who I truly am. It's spectacularly exciting. I'm awfully impatient with myself so it often feels like I'm always pushing for more while experiencing results slowly but that's all part of the process I suppose. I'm trying to be kinder to myself also.

Each day now I'm moving closer. She's in there. The one that has only seen glimpses of manifestation. Clearer and brighter the real me is awakening and I'll never be the same.

Thank the Goddess.

Positive Vibrations

I need to be channeling Bob Marley in a big way. And not just in the weed smoking department.

I've been so negative that it's really slowing me down. This summer it seems has been one of constant stress, disappointment, frustration and rampant negativity. It doesn't help that on top of my own b.s. it seems many of my friends and family are having a tough time of it lately too. The media certainly doesn't help either. I usually make a point not to read the news (not having T.V. keeps me away from seeing it) just to keep my head out of the 'fear fog' as I like to call it. Now and again though I'll get sucked in by some perfectly horrid tag line out of crazy curiosity and I'm always sad I did. Sensationalistic headlines are rarely highlighting some wonderful achievement or some beautiful miracle. They are usually showcasing the dredges of humanity, some horrific event that has happened. And what I don't need is any more proof that people are strange and horrible. I really need to start focusing heavily on positivity and drawing that energy to me. Dwelling on my families problems and trudging through my own then drowning in the sea of sorrow that is humanity is just messing with my head. I've been fighting this depression that I know so well, it knocks on the door every so often and if I'm not careful it sneaks in and takes up residence on my mental couch. It's a rude house guest and I swore I'd never let it in again after the last time it crept in and kept up residence for two years straight. Now, that was some tough times. Nothing like now. Thank the Goddess. I shall endeavor to fight the good fight.

Well, that's enough of that. Moving on and moving up.
I do have some good news to report. I finally couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and I talked with my man about my baby issues/questions. He said all the right things. For a change of pace. It was such a relief, especially due to the fact that I had wicked PMS and the hormonal surges held me captive in a dingy on high seas. One big wave could have capsized my raft and thankfully he didn't. Again, for a change of pace. I'm being hard on him but historically...well, let's just say it's not usually that smooth. He's as excited about this next venture in our lives as much as I am (he wanted to have a baby all along, it's me that took 11 years of our relationship to decide I did too) so he is willing to make the sacrifices that come along with a baby. We're thinking we'll look more closely at planning a time to start 'trying' which is a funny way to put it. I guess it's more like we'll not concentrate on not getting pregnant. Whichever you prefer I guess. Firstly I've got to get some health questions answered and get in better shape. I need to get my blood sugar problems figured out so I don't have the risk of getting gestational diabetes. More on the doctor dilemma another day, that's another source of negativity that I want to stay away from today.

I am making some progress on the magick front. I spent all day last sunday with Swan having a great session and hanging out. She is such a grounding force in my life, a wonderful teacher, an inspiring friend and an all around kick ass human being. Her and her man are just simply wonderful. They always feed me new & exciting food and wines every time I see them. I've renewed my commitment to the study of Witchcraft and am actively working towards creating a daily spiritual practice. This is something I've been yearning for my whole life and never really implemented. Next time I post will be to give a detailed account of the prayer beads she had me make and all that goes with that exercise.

Alas, I've got to get ready to head to the cubicle maze that is my job so I'll have to get into that later which will be a nice break from whining about my problems. I'm sure all four of you who read this will be glad to move on too! Thanks for sticking in there with me~

Brightest blessings to you all and may the Goddess hold you close and whisper in your ear~

All is Love
Love is all
Blessed be.