Calgon, take me away!

Arg.

What a week. It's only Wednesday and I'm saying this.....not good.

Sometimes all that gets me through a day without totally wiggin' out is just telling myself over and over and over again-

THIS IS THE DREAM. THIS IS NOT 'REALITY'.

I'm trying to be zen, really I am.

Dear Cat

Dear cat,

Why do you insist on scooping your food out of the lovely (and probably too expensive) bowl that I have provided for you to eat off of the floor? Your manners are atrocious. I respectfully petition you to consider eating over your bowl like a civilized cat. You know I am not fond of cleaning up others messes, I tell you this all the time while I do the dishes (again and again and again.) Please consider my request and endeavour to develop some manners.

Your loving 'mother',
M.

P.S.
I sweep up all of the chunks you leave on the floor and deposit them back into your bowl, you end up eating them anyway so, ha!

Full Moon Fever

Well, while I was inside the covenstead enjoying one of the most fabulous full moon esbats ever someone else was driving around wild with full moon fever (or booze, or on their cell phone, or had poked their eye out, the possibilities are endless I suppose..) and crashed into my truck.

Hit and run.

There were a couple of witnesses but alas they were about 12 years old and didn't think to get the license plate number. They were able to describe the woman and her vehicle to the responding officer though and happened to mention that they had seen that car before in the neighborhood and believe that she lives around there. Hopefully this will yield results.

Bummer.

Luckily it's only cosmetic and it's still drivable. I just hope that she gets caught and I don't have to pay my deductible to get it fixed. I've got some figuring to do....

They said that her car was so badly damaged that she was having a hard time driving away from the scene of the accident so that fact makes me think maybe she was drunk. In any case it's a much much worse idea to run from something like that than to just own up to it right away. Karmically and in the eyes of the law as well.

Everything we do, positive or negative, comes back to us.

I'm no saint so I can't put all of this on her. I just hope we are able to resolve this without me having to figure out where in the world I'm going to come up with a deductible.

Blah.

More money worries. Like there isn't enough of those crowding my brain.

In other words, my man and I had a wonderful time together last night. It seems like we don't really see each other much these days with the shifts we are working and him getting his portfolio ready for review. He draws all night while I have to go to sleep so I can get up early and I have been spending a lot of time at the covenstead on the weekends to give him time to draw. He leaves this Wednesday for nearly two weeks. I'm so jealous. I am glad that I have a good job that is quite challenging at the moment to distract me and a TON of stuff going on with the coven. And when I'm not doing that I have a bunch of homework for our next pre-dedicant class to work through. And, of course, I suppose I could continue to endeavor to FINALLY finish a painting for a change of pace.

I'll miss him all the same. The silence of an empty apartment is different when the other person is in a different room than when they are gone altogether. But hey, this is the first summer we haven't had to be separated for the entire summer in years. For the past three years he would leave state to work for the whole summer and I would be stuck here in the humidity and sweltering heat. Just the cat and I sweatin' it out. So I am grateful that he has a good enough job that he doesn't have to do that anymore and we can spend the summer together just being in love and-hopefully- planning the wedding.

Ups and downs~
Such is life

Oh, P.S.
The movie 'The Tiger in the Snow' is wonderful. It's sweet, it's funny, it's a rare treat in this era of plastic Hollywood bullshit, it's foreign so go figure.

Mother Moon

Getting out of the movies this....morning? That doesn't sound right but we went to a midnight show of Batman and didn't get out till 2:30am, I was struck by the moon. All of my thoughts of the movie and some friend drama were pushed aside and I was awestruck.

Seriously in awe.

It was so full, so bright. I felt her presence, I knew that she saw me. I felt changed by her gaze.

Tonight I gather with my coven sisters (and uno brother) to celebrate the full moon. We ask that
"Goddess of opportunity
Bring good things in life to me
I'll be alert to all that you send
For myself and for my friend"

These days I am wearied in my heart, my body and my soul by the fear and greed in the world. I must strive to remember Mother Moon and the feeling of peace and awe that she inspires within me.

I know that the veil of mysteries is thick, it was thin once but humans clouded it, I'll make my way there.

I just have to remember and imagine all at once.

Blah blah

Diet.

What an ominous word.

It haunts me.

I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.

There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.

I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.

Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.

My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....

I seem to have no willpower. No self control.

I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.

I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!

I've got to get myself under control.

Sick Day

I took a sick day today.

I've been having a weird stomach ache and haven't been getting my requisite amount of sleep. I can't wait until the training period is over for my new job so I can get on my actual shift instead of this torturous morning shift. I am just no damn good in the morning.

Sick day has been spent painting (insert smile) and replying to pen pal requests! I registered with a site called allpenpals.com. I haven't had many responses but there have been a couple. The one I'm the most excited about though came to me thru my blog! I didn't even know if anyone aside from my two faithful blogger friends even read this. But to my great surprise my new friend popped up in response to my last post. Now we've exchanged our info and I do believe we're going to start corresponding! In fact I'm cookin' up a little somethin' somethin' for her today.

This Saturday is a full moon ritual and I'm excited. I love full moon rituals. Last weekend was my first pre dedicant class and while it was pretty informal I just enjoy being in that space learning about herbs, gems, deities, tarot cards, mythology.... I can't wait to start my formal year and a day training. This has been such a glorious feeling finally getting involved in my spiritual studies again. (I know I keep saying that...I'll quit soon I promise)

For next class we have to read 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz. I'm excited, my mom read it a long time ago and had told me about it but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

The quote for the day is;

~When the power of love outweighs the love of power the world shall know peace~

Blessed be~

Musings

For a few years now I've been wishing I had a pen pal.

Someone I could have an intimate correspondence with. Not intimate in the sexual sense, but in a very real sense. A closeness developed with a stranger, a connection across the divide. I've never taken any steps to make this happen, I 'spose there is probably some internet meet up thingy for just such a thing, maybe I will finally do it.

I don't just want to be the writer tho, I want someone to write back. Tell me what's going on in their life, their daily hopes, fears, what the color of their sky is. I want to know their dreams, desires, bad days, favorite songs, I want to know them through their words.

I have sought to do this in a different way, once upon a time, through instant messenger. It ended....with mostly predictable results but a few surprising ones too. I don't think that I'll go that route again.

Part of the appeal is getting mail. I never get anything that isn't bills it seems. I'm sure most everyone in the world can relate to that sentiment.

Oh well, we'll see.........

Still tender but on the mend

I am absolutely unequivocally in love with art.

Every day I see so many things that inspire me, stoke the fires within me that fuel me to create, to daydream, to believe.

Life has been tough these last few years.

Looking back the images that come to mind are dark and dusty, muted. I know there was happiness. I know there was laughter. I also know there was a murky depression that settled over my heart for years.

Nearly 3 years to be exact.

During that time I struggled to be creative, struggled to write. I was inspiration-less. I felt completely lost and afraid.

The light chases the shadows~ I feel inspired, in love with life. I still struggle not to be wary. I feel skittish about celebrating my happiness. And then I remind myself to center and ground. Right now is right now. Revel in this moment.

There is so much beauty in this life, and I mean beauty in the broad all encompassing sense~

The surreal.

The grotesque.

The animalistic.

The serene.

The tender.

The awe inspiring.

The bright white heat.

The magickal.

The mysterious.

The nostalgic.

The sharp that cuts.

The daydream.

My cat thinks I'm boring

I've made my way back.

Life can be such a whirlwind sometimes.

I always feel like I'm on the cusp of things mellowing out, of catching a breath. This hardly ever actually happens. I've been trying to work on living in the present moment and not looking into the future- it's tough.

Again, I'm on the cusp of starting a new job. This job drama has been going on for longer than I can begin to tell you. I hear about people who have been at the same job for years and I wonder what that must be like.

For the time being I'm done with the nanny scene. It's not the kids, kids are great. Even when they are naughty they are still bright little lights that shine into my heart. No, it's the parents that mess it all up. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a family where the parents and I will be a team rooting for the kids. This has never been the case. I always end up just being the hired help. It's a very humbling experience, I encourage everyone to do it at least once. It's the kind of perspective one has to live to receive. Once you've been the 'help' you would never dream of treating someone in the service industry with disrespect.

My last nanny job was pretty sweet, I was working with a one year old girl who is the most precious thing ever. We got along fabulously. I was in love from day one. The parents? At first they seemed ok, I thought maybe we could even actually be friends. Two weeks into the job I received another job offer from a company I had been courting for months. The pay, the benefits, the hours, it was all too amazing to pass up. When I told them I was going to have to leave their whole attitude towards me changed. They weren't nice anymore and I could see that again, I was just the help and that though they could see that this was a great opportunity for me all that mattered was how it impacted their lives. Nothing I did to ease the sting seemed to help and by my last day their attitude was just pure crap. Oh well, live and let live I guess.

Now I'm eagerly waiting to start my new job. This is such a huge blessing that seemingly dropped out of the heavens into my lap..... I know it's the wrong attitude to have, I try to curb it, but until I actually show up to work there I have to wonder if I'm going to wake up to find it's all been a dream.

In other news, this Saturday is my first pre-dedicant class. I am so excited, these are classes that are designed to fill in the gap between the seeker classes and the actual dedicant process that begins in January. We are to research a specific deity, herb, stone and tarot card. I love it. There are two other pre-dedicants who will be going through this process with me, they are totally radicool. I can't help but continue to be amazed that this is actually happening. All of it. The job, the classes, the apartment, the guy, it's all such a pile of blessings.

Oh, and the diet? I've fallen off the wagon for a week or so now but luckily only gained back 1/2 lb. I'm getting back on the diet train and I'm going to pull this caboose into the gym starting tomorrow. It's been so hot and humid I just can't imagine going to a weight room without air conditioning....but I'm going to give it a go.

Life is good. Unendingly nerve wracking, but good.

Midsummer Nights Dream

Ahhh, Litha.

This is the turning point at which summer reaches its height and the sun shines longest.

I've been neglecting my Wiccan studies, it's time to get to work. The sun is high and the time is now.

Beautifully complex

Sometimes I feel like being human is a new experience for me.

Many days, more often than not I take notice of this world, of me, of others with a sense of wonderment and surprise.

I'm in awe of the heights of achievement some reach, of the capacity within some to love and nurture, of others to create words/pictures/music/sculpture that elevates me to what feels all at once like divinity and damnation.

Being alive is painful, it's confusing, it's amazing, I find it baffling that one person can feel so many emotions all at once and not simply explode.

I am a million words, sounds, memories, sensations, images, emotions, desires all bundled up and stuffed into a package that feels too small.

If I could arrange it all into folders, boxes, have a yard sale and get rid of the garbage, I would be better, more put together.

That will never happen

I will have to learn to exist as this complex force.

Right now............

Right now it just makes me want to have a smoke and a drink.

Summertime and the living is not easy

Forgive the cheesy title.

Cheesy. Yummmm.

I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:

Lose at least 50 lbs.

Start working out at least 5 days a week.

Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.

Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.

Work on my fiction book I am writing.

Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.

Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.

Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.

I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."

Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"

I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.

It's hard.

Wading through it

Life is so confusing and difficult.

It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.

These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.

I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.

The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.

I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!

I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"

A Conjurin' Summer In

Beltane, a time to celebrate conception and look ahead while letting go of things no longer needed.

I had a great time at the Beltane celebration this Sunday. I got to meet a couple of new people who were wonderful, everyone I've met so far in this group is so nice and welcoming. In my experience that is very rare. I'm more at ease during these Esbats & Sabbats than I've been in any kind of gathering I can think of.

The ritual had an air of frivolity to it, the songs were really interesting and I tried to sing along even though I had no idea what the tune was....yikes! Rest assured I was singing very quietly.
We made fairy wands with ribbons which we wrote wishes for the new year on, I have yet to put mine outside for the fairies to find. It was a lot of fun and a nice, long, joyous occasion. The fact that there were a few snowflakes falling from the sky as we were 'a conjurin' summer in' didn't dampen our spirits too much though it didn't escape notice!

Afterward I was able to stay as long as I wanted and was wanted. Last time, during the full moon Esbat I had to leave early and was bummed. Everyone enjoyed the cheesecake & strawberry puree I brought (white & red.) I was able to talk more with our High Priestess and some of the others who I had previously not had the opportunity. I found the similarities within our paths very telling indeed. All who spoke of their journey to Wicca & Witchcraft had parallel experiences to my own. Much wandering from one religion to another seeking a home.

Our High Priestess is a truly amazing woman. She has a long history of teaching witchcraft in our community (12 years!!!!) and dedicates an amazing amount of her time to the craft, her coven, her students and the community at large. I am very inspired by her, she told me she didn't start seriously studying Witchcraft until she was in her 30's as well. She has the most kind, smiling eyes. She really does illustrate what I see as a face of the Goddess. Joy and bounty, kindness and knowledge seem to radiate from her. I feel very blessed to know her.

Really I feel that way about everyone I've met within the coven. They are all very special people and I'm looking forward to knowing them. It occurs to me that they must already know a great deal about me, I believe they have done my astrological chart and being as they are all witches they have a way with intuition and energy reading that tells them things about people, it's scary but.....interesting knowing that there is no hiding. Definitely prompts me to be more real, more careful about what I say, truthful.

Previous to the Beltane celebration I had been listening to an old podcast from iTunes titled 'The Witching Hour' by Stacey Simmons the episode is 'The Wheel of the Year- Beltane.' I enjoy her podcast quite a bit, she is very insightful and thoughtful in her delivery, it's been a wonderful introduction for me.

There were a number of things she mentioned that struck me as interesting and pause for thought;
Life is not the opposite of death, conception is the opposite of death. Life is what is in the middle. Makes absolute sense when one thinks about it, but till then if someone had asked me what the opposite of death is I would have said life.

The Maypole's ribbon pattern symbolizes the connectedness of life.

Popular Beltane foods were red & white. The red represents the female, the white represents the male. A popular thing to bring to a celebration was a white cake and red wine.

There were other things as well but I'll spare you my whole journey as I really am just finding out about it for the first time.

The first time I attended an Esbat was the new moon and we were given the opportunity to write down things that we wanted to invite into our lives and then offer them to Fire to be carried to the Divine. I felt the power in this practice, I took it very seriously and I feel that I have been granted some of those things that I asked for.

We performed that same ceremony at Beltane and were able to write things that we wished to be rid of and adversely things we wanted to invite into our lives. I love this and was glad to do it, I wrote on more pieces of paper than anyone else I think but why not shoot for the stars right?

Overall it was a nice time, I am really realizing how very very far I have to go to ready myself for witchcraft. It is very difficult for me to ground and center my energy during ritual and also I feel I am not going through the proper channels within myself to commune with the Divine. I'm expecting results although I've not taken all the proper steps.

I've been working through one of my 'text books' for class and she talks in there about communicating with your 'younger self' and building power and I know I have not a clue as to how to do this just yet. At first I was really bummed out that I wouldn't be able to begin dedicant classes immediately following my seeker classes but now I see that I have a lot of inner work to accomplish before I am ready to take on all of the other work. There is so much to learn, many lifetimes it would take me to comprehend all of this knowledge.

I stayed home from work today to finish my reading & question sheets and get it all typed up for class tonight. I feel bad for letting my employers down, it was a very difficult decision and I hope I didn't cause them too much strife. Tonight is our last class as seekers and then I will begin working on my own, on myself, while occasionally attending pre-dedicate classes.

Miles to go yet I've put my feet on the path.

My spiritual life Part One

All of my life I have been on a spiritual quest.

Starting from a very young age I began shopping churches. I've gone to more than a hand full of different churches, researched more than a few different religions/spiritual disciplines. Each and every one of them had some small nugget of truth to offer me but in the end I never felt like they fit. After years and years of searching I came to the conclusion that I could never belong to an organized religion/spiritual discipline, it just wasn't me.

I have taken those pieces of truth over the years and crafted them into my own spirituality, a patchwork quilt of divine truth. From Buddhism I took meditation, reincarnation, the wheel of karma and the art of Zen. From Christianity I took a love, respect and admiration for the teachings of Jesus as well as a child-like adoration of Mary. From Hinduism I took polytheism and the desire to "know" God. Of course there are other nuances that I absorbed as well but these are the biggies.

And yet, I never felt fulfilled. I never felt like I had gathered all of the pieces. I never felt comfortable. My spiritual hunger was driven by what I had always felt was my fatal flaw.

Ever since I was a very very young child I have felt split. Half of me was "good" and half of me was "bad" (by Christian standards.) This feeling of extreme dichotomy is present in some of my earliest poetry and journal writings going back as far as 4Th grade elementary school. I struggled to be "good" enough, "pure" enough but always felt I fell short by what were aspects of my essential personality. By essential personality I mean parts of myself that could/can never be killed off. To deny them would be a lie, something I never could reconcile within myself.
(To clarify, when I talk about "bad" parts of myself I am not speaking of anything extreme, and what I know now is that my "bad" self was actually my shadow self, more on that later.)

I never knew anyone who was a Wiccan. At least no one who was vocal about it. Growing up in a small town I never even saw books on Wicca at the bookstores, I had no idea what it was. Or what it wasn't more importantly. In so many ways I wish I would have known about it as a teenager. All that angst, guilt, the questions, the blind sadness.

As an adult I came across a piece of spiritual literature that suggested that there is no "good" and there is no "bad" there is only light and dark and all the shades of grey inbetween. There is no light without darkness. This concept made a massive difference to me in my concept of self and after reading into it more and taking some time to digest the principle I accepted it as a personal truth.

Now I understood myself in different terms, it was an awakening.

I was finally ready to know my true self.

Full Moon Fever

Tomorrow night I will be attending my second ritual ever and my first with the coven that has been hosting my seeker classes.

I am so excited, nervous, and....proud? I suppose I do feel a sense of pride in myself that I am taking these steps because I am so nervous and have been so secluded for these last few years. It takes a lot of courage for someone (certainly myself) to break out of their mold and venture forth into adventure and uncertainty and yeah, I am damn proud of myself.
Another layer of trepidation is the added paranoia that this is a door that I am opening to my spiritual self. I've not quite learned how to ground and shield myself though I do work on it. Having had a very surreal and unpleasant experience once before with dark energies I'm certainly wary.

We were given a hand out in one of our classes and it spoke volumes to me, I would like to share part of it:

"It is easier to be celibate than fully alive sexually. It is easier to withdraw from the world than to live in it; easier to be a hermit than to raise a child; easier to repress emotions than to feel them and express them; easier to meditate in solitude than to communicate in a group; easier to submit to another's authority than place trust in oneself." -Author Unknown

There is so much truth in this paragraph, it really strikes me on all levels. For so very long I had unconsciously adopted these attitudes. I thought that they kept me separate, safe and comfortable. Yet what they were ultimately doing was holding me back from the real human experience and dulling my soul.

No longer.

I am now actively crafting a life that will save me and will replenish my heart, my creativity, my sexuality, my spiritual self and destroy the evil EGO. I feel like every experience in my life has led me to this place. I can't help but wish I'd begun earlier though....but regret is a wasted emotion.

After the full moon esbat ritual there is a potluck dinner and that is what's really got me all a twitter. Frequently in social situations where I am not bringing a friend along I'm reduced to the emotional state of a kid on the first day of school. I'm sure it is the same or worse for most everyone but (luckily) all I have to deal with is myself.

Hopefully my cupcakes win the hearts and stomachs of my fellow witches. Pick me! Pick me! Let me join your club! Yikes. I've got to get a hold of myself.

I'm going to go swimming, clear my head and get on the road to my wedding body. (I say swimming but I suspect to others it looks more like drowning such are my aquatic skillz.)

Movin' On Up

Well, we're in our new place finally! This was the most hellish move ever and I can't express how glad I am that it is over! We are both really excited about this new stage in our lives, things are moving in a very positive direction and it's amazing!

Promise I'll write more soon!

seeing is not believing, seeking is believing

I have not mentioned it but I have begun my seeker classes.
It has been an interesting experience so far, nothing mind blowing but none the less I am thrilled by the prospect that this world does indeed exist.

All of my life I have believed in magick.

I was reminded of this as I went through some of my books while packing the other day. I came across a book I had as a child about fairies & gnomes. I knew at the time that others saw this as only fantasy but I always believed that there was and is more in this world than we 'know.' I have never seen a fairy or any woodland creature that I am aware of but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I have never seen Russia but I'm sure that exists as well. Same thing with outer space. The fact that other people say they have seen them means something, and it's more than a few people so it seems pretty accurate. Same with fairy folk and other assorted woodland creatures. There are many accounts of their existence from all over the world throughout time.

Same goes with magick.

The amazing thing is that now I actually know people who work magick. I have met real witches.

We are still in the very very beginning phase of our classwork, introduction to Wicca & Witchcraft really, but it's fascinating all the same. I feel a sense of calm within me now that I have begun this path. I feel as though this was the stepping stone that has been in front of me for years, I was just too.....cowardly to take the step.

All The Young Dudes

I'm a childcare worker.

A nanny to be precise.

I know it's risky business to talk about such things on a blog but I'm pretty certain that there are hundreds, thousands of us out there in blogger world and I don't intend to "out" my family by disclosing personal details. Since it's such a big part of my life though it's impossible to keep it out of my blog.

With that said, on with the show!

I recently started with this family that employs my services for a couple days per week. Not much, but enough. Especially since we've hit a snag. Every nanny knows the one I'm speaking of, it's that time when you cease to be the cool new person that they get to play with and become this nagging annoying bitch who consistently makes them say please and thank-you, pick up their toys, won't give them all the candy they want and makes them practice writing their numbers & letters.

I only have the one 5 year old boy for most of the day (brother comes after school lets out) and for the first couple of weeks it was going smashingly. Until yesterday. Somehow I went from this fun awesome chick- the first one he had ever met who knew the names of the Transformers and had read Spiderman comics to someone he was mean to and refused to listen to. I thought maybe we were just having bad day yesterday so I tried to brush it off as a bad day and his older brother's influence. But this morning as I arrived to work I tried to have a talk with him over breakfast regarding his previous days actions. I asked him if he really didn't like having me around and if he didn't think we were friends. He said no. He doesn't want to be my friend and he doesn't like me. I named off some of the cool stuff we've done since I started coming over and asked him if he liked doing that stuff, he shrugged his shoulders and I'm thinking to myself that I would have loved to have had someone do all those things with me when I was a kid!

Then it dawned on me, those things don't seem all that special to him because he gets to do them all the time. No leverage there. So I told him that he had hurt my feelings and asked him if he knew what that felt like. He said that yes he did. So now we're trying something new. I'm not in any way being mean to him, just not as accommodating as before. There's no small talk, no lists of fun stuff that we can do with the day, I've just been letting him amuse himself this morning and see what he thinks of that. He knows he's made me upset and it's bugging him but he just won't come around- he's got that toddler stubbornness. I just want him to understand that it feels the same way to someone else when you hurt their feelings as it does when someone hurts his. Empathy is not always an inherent understanding in kids and it's dangerous when it doesn't exist and they grow up without it.

People, do your kids a favor and don't make the only discipline your kid gets be through school and daycare/nannies.

KIDS NEED DISCIPLINE.

I can't stress this enough. It seems simple, but it also seems as though everyone has lost their damn minds with the way they 'raise' their children. They are not pets. They require more than food, shelter, clothes and moments of intimacy. All the money in the world, all of the expensive activities, the college fund you've been paying into their whole lives, the cool expensive clothes & toys you buy them will never make up for the fact that you are gone working all the time and virtual strangers are raising them.

People wonder why there are so many kids shooting people these days? I'm not going to go so far as to point fingers but hey- might want to consider it. I happen to love my job and love kids and would NEVER do anything to harm them but unfortunately not every childcare worker feels the same way I do. Never mind the worst case scenario of them actually abusing the children most of them are just entirely not interested in the kids, they largely ignore them and are rude to them. Sigh, it is a shame when materialism and the lust for bigger better and more competes with a parent's sacred charge to raise their children. I know I'm talking myself out of a job by saying parent's should just stay home to raise their kids but mostly above all I care about the kids and I've seen so many of them grow up confused, spoiled, unhappy, unruly. It's impossible to not love them, I just wish I could be real with parent's about what their kids are going through without pissing them off and losing my job. It's a no win situation.

Now, this in no way is a reflection on those (few) parents who have to work to pay their bills period. No extras, they are just struggling and need childcare to help out- different case altogether.

OK, I feel better having gotten that off of my chest. Whew!

From there to here

How I got here from there is a story that I feel warrants telling.

This is a story of answered prayers and confirmation of the divine presence in my life.

All of my life I have wrestled between a profound longing for a deep connection to the divine and being content to go about my pleasure seeking, not always positive- life.

About two years ago I dropped out of college for the second time. I have a track record of not following through with things and this was just another one to add to the list. I had my reasons for dropping out and although I was/am happy with those reasons, I felt the sting of disappointment of those around me all the same. Suddenly my days were wide open, without school to focus on I turned to job hunting but wasn't having a lot of immediate luck. Sitting in my apartment for weeks, staring into the abyss of my computer I grew more and more depressed. All of the familiar questions were rattling around in my head; "There has to be more than this right? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life? Is there really a God/Goddess out there listening? What is wrong with me?"

I wandered in and out of depression for the next two years, like I had so many times before. Caught between wanting to do something meaningful and positive with my life and feeling helpless to change myself and/or my circumstances.

While working an unfulfilling job with no real prospects on the horizon I felt like I had finally reached the end of my tolerance for this poor excuse of a life. I was completely unfulfilled in nearly ever aspect of my life and had finally grown tired of it enough to dedicate myself towards making a change. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to change for the better.

I restarted my research into Wicca & Witchcraft and found a lot of comfort in the writings & podcasts, they made me feel lighter, more positive. They helped me to see that the responsibility of my life lay in my hands. That there wasn't going to be a big booming voice from the sky saying "you should apply for _____________ job, it is your life's work." I had been wanting the easy answer, the easy road to enlightenment & fulfillment. What Wicca & Witchcraft did for me was to show me that yes, if I worked hard enough and made it the focal point of my life that I would indeed find happiness and fulfillment (and here is the important part) in THIS LIFETIME. Not after I died and was granted access into heaven, not merely building good karma for the next life, that the rewards would manifest in this lifetime. And I believe that. I do wholeheartedly believe in the threefold law.

And so I lumped along with my reading, working towards change in my employment & living situation, all the while asking for the Goddess to move me, move my life, show me the way.

Well, I was shown a hint. A peek. A wake up call.

I found out I was pregnant.

After 12 years without a scare now, now I was pregnant. We were terrified. We had never planned on having kids, we were totally broke, my fiance wasn't even working at the time. It was time to reassess everything immediately. I had to really look at my reasons for not wanting to have children. Upon close inspection I realized that those ideas were old, irrational fears based on examples of people who were in much different situations than we were. Everything changed, we got used to the idea, were excited about what was to come. We started changing everything- got ready to move, I quit my labor intensive job, it was all a green light.

The day we went in to have the ultrasound done that would tell us the sex of the baby was the most exciting day of our lives. We were giddy with it. Within seconds it was all over and the dream turned into a nightmare. We were told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.

Within 48 hours my mom had arrived to be with me while I went into induced labor. With my mom and my man beside me after 10 hours I had the baby.

In the subsequent weeks as we moved through the healing process I have come to so many realizations. While I was pregnant I was remorseful that I hadn't established my Wiccan/Witch identity and practices previously so that I could impart that to our child- I know enough about babies to know that they are all consuming and that I would have to wait awhile before working on that again. I was remorseful that I hadn't been exercising before , that my body was not in very good shape, my health was poor. I was remorseful that our finances were a disaster and our living situation not conducive to raising babies. The list goes on but suffice to say I wished that a good number of things would have been different.

Now that we had lost the baby I felt like we were given a second chance to do it right. To right all of those wrongs, to be proactive instead of reactive. I now see our 'whisper' baby as a wake up call. During that 5 months I mapped it all out, I saw the big beautiful picture, I found the entrance to the path.

Now we are actively making strides to rectify our situation to get us in a better place physically, spiritually, financially, & domestically. I'm sad for the baby we lost but I know she is waiting for us, waiting to come back when we are ready for her and can make this the most positive experience of our lives.

My prayers were answered, the Goddess moved me alright, it was a bit of a shove to be honest but obviously that is what I needed. I feel so much better about my life, myself and my purpose here. I realized that in the end the fulfillment I was/am seeking is not going to come from any kind of outside source, it will come from me, from my connection to the Divine, my family, my man, it's all about love.