Midsummer Nights Dream

Ahhh, Litha.

This is the turning point at which summer reaches its height and the sun shines longest.

I've been neglecting my Wiccan studies, it's time to get to work. The sun is high and the time is now.

Beautifully complex

Sometimes I feel like being human is a new experience for me.

Many days, more often than not I take notice of this world, of me, of others with a sense of wonderment and surprise.

I'm in awe of the heights of achievement some reach, of the capacity within some to love and nurture, of others to create words/pictures/music/sculpture that elevates me to what feels all at once like divinity and damnation.

Being alive is painful, it's confusing, it's amazing, I find it baffling that one person can feel so many emotions all at once and not simply explode.

I am a million words, sounds, memories, sensations, images, emotions, desires all bundled up and stuffed into a package that feels too small.

If I could arrange it all into folders, boxes, have a yard sale and get rid of the garbage, I would be better, more put together.

That will never happen

I will have to learn to exist as this complex force.

Right now............

Right now it just makes me want to have a smoke and a drink.

Summertime and the living is not easy

Forgive the cheesy title.

Cheesy. Yummmm.

I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:

Lose at least 50 lbs.

Start working out at least 5 days a week.

Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.

Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.

Work on my fiction book I am writing.

Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.

Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.

Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.

I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."

Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"

I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.

It's hard.

Wading through it

Life is so confusing and difficult.

It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.

These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.

I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.

The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.

I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!

I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"

A Conjurin' Summer In

Beltane, a time to celebrate conception and look ahead while letting go of things no longer needed.

I had a great time at the Beltane celebration this Sunday. I got to meet a couple of new people who were wonderful, everyone I've met so far in this group is so nice and welcoming. In my experience that is very rare. I'm more at ease during these Esbats & Sabbats than I've been in any kind of gathering I can think of.

The ritual had an air of frivolity to it, the songs were really interesting and I tried to sing along even though I had no idea what the tune was....yikes! Rest assured I was singing very quietly.
We made fairy wands with ribbons which we wrote wishes for the new year on, I have yet to put mine outside for the fairies to find. It was a lot of fun and a nice, long, joyous occasion. The fact that there were a few snowflakes falling from the sky as we were 'a conjurin' summer in' didn't dampen our spirits too much though it didn't escape notice!

Afterward I was able to stay as long as I wanted and was wanted. Last time, during the full moon Esbat I had to leave early and was bummed. Everyone enjoyed the cheesecake & strawberry puree I brought (white & red.) I was able to talk more with our High Priestess and some of the others who I had previously not had the opportunity. I found the similarities within our paths very telling indeed. All who spoke of their journey to Wicca & Witchcraft had parallel experiences to my own. Much wandering from one religion to another seeking a home.

Our High Priestess is a truly amazing woman. She has a long history of teaching witchcraft in our community (12 years!!!!) and dedicates an amazing amount of her time to the craft, her coven, her students and the community at large. I am very inspired by her, she told me she didn't start seriously studying Witchcraft until she was in her 30's as well. She has the most kind, smiling eyes. She really does illustrate what I see as a face of the Goddess. Joy and bounty, kindness and knowledge seem to radiate from her. I feel very blessed to know her.

Really I feel that way about everyone I've met within the coven. They are all very special people and I'm looking forward to knowing them. It occurs to me that they must already know a great deal about me, I believe they have done my astrological chart and being as they are all witches they have a way with intuition and energy reading that tells them things about people, it's scary but.....interesting knowing that there is no hiding. Definitely prompts me to be more real, more careful about what I say, truthful.

Previous to the Beltane celebration I had been listening to an old podcast from iTunes titled 'The Witching Hour' by Stacey Simmons the episode is 'The Wheel of the Year- Beltane.' I enjoy her podcast quite a bit, she is very insightful and thoughtful in her delivery, it's been a wonderful introduction for me.

There were a number of things she mentioned that struck me as interesting and pause for thought;
Life is not the opposite of death, conception is the opposite of death. Life is what is in the middle. Makes absolute sense when one thinks about it, but till then if someone had asked me what the opposite of death is I would have said life.

The Maypole's ribbon pattern symbolizes the connectedness of life.

Popular Beltane foods were red & white. The red represents the female, the white represents the male. A popular thing to bring to a celebration was a white cake and red wine.

There were other things as well but I'll spare you my whole journey as I really am just finding out about it for the first time.

The first time I attended an Esbat was the new moon and we were given the opportunity to write down things that we wanted to invite into our lives and then offer them to Fire to be carried to the Divine. I felt the power in this practice, I took it very seriously and I feel that I have been granted some of those things that I asked for.

We performed that same ceremony at Beltane and were able to write things that we wished to be rid of and adversely things we wanted to invite into our lives. I love this and was glad to do it, I wrote on more pieces of paper than anyone else I think but why not shoot for the stars right?

Overall it was a nice time, I am really realizing how very very far I have to go to ready myself for witchcraft. It is very difficult for me to ground and center my energy during ritual and also I feel I am not going through the proper channels within myself to commune with the Divine. I'm expecting results although I've not taken all the proper steps.

I've been working through one of my 'text books' for class and she talks in there about communicating with your 'younger self' and building power and I know I have not a clue as to how to do this just yet. At first I was really bummed out that I wouldn't be able to begin dedicant classes immediately following my seeker classes but now I see that I have a lot of inner work to accomplish before I am ready to take on all of the other work. There is so much to learn, many lifetimes it would take me to comprehend all of this knowledge.

I stayed home from work today to finish my reading & question sheets and get it all typed up for class tonight. I feel bad for letting my employers down, it was a very difficult decision and I hope I didn't cause them too much strife. Tonight is our last class as seekers and then I will begin working on my own, on myself, while occasionally attending pre-dedicate classes.

Miles to go yet I've put my feet on the path.

My spiritual life Part One

All of my life I have been on a spiritual quest.

Starting from a very young age I began shopping churches. I've gone to more than a hand full of different churches, researched more than a few different religions/spiritual disciplines. Each and every one of them had some small nugget of truth to offer me but in the end I never felt like they fit. After years and years of searching I came to the conclusion that I could never belong to an organized religion/spiritual discipline, it just wasn't me.

I have taken those pieces of truth over the years and crafted them into my own spirituality, a patchwork quilt of divine truth. From Buddhism I took meditation, reincarnation, the wheel of karma and the art of Zen. From Christianity I took a love, respect and admiration for the teachings of Jesus as well as a child-like adoration of Mary. From Hinduism I took polytheism and the desire to "know" God. Of course there are other nuances that I absorbed as well but these are the biggies.

And yet, I never felt fulfilled. I never felt like I had gathered all of the pieces. I never felt comfortable. My spiritual hunger was driven by what I had always felt was my fatal flaw.

Ever since I was a very very young child I have felt split. Half of me was "good" and half of me was "bad" (by Christian standards.) This feeling of extreme dichotomy is present in some of my earliest poetry and journal writings going back as far as 4Th grade elementary school. I struggled to be "good" enough, "pure" enough but always felt I fell short by what were aspects of my essential personality. By essential personality I mean parts of myself that could/can never be killed off. To deny them would be a lie, something I never could reconcile within myself.
(To clarify, when I talk about "bad" parts of myself I am not speaking of anything extreme, and what I know now is that my "bad" self was actually my shadow self, more on that later.)

I never knew anyone who was a Wiccan. At least no one who was vocal about it. Growing up in a small town I never even saw books on Wicca at the bookstores, I had no idea what it was. Or what it wasn't more importantly. In so many ways I wish I would have known about it as a teenager. All that angst, guilt, the questions, the blind sadness.

As an adult I came across a piece of spiritual literature that suggested that there is no "good" and there is no "bad" there is only light and dark and all the shades of grey inbetween. There is no light without darkness. This concept made a massive difference to me in my concept of self and after reading into it more and taking some time to digest the principle I accepted it as a personal truth.

Now I understood myself in different terms, it was an awakening.

I was finally ready to know my true self.

Full Moon Fever

Tomorrow night I will be attending my second ritual ever and my first with the coven that has been hosting my seeker classes.

I am so excited, nervous, and....proud? I suppose I do feel a sense of pride in myself that I am taking these steps because I am so nervous and have been so secluded for these last few years. It takes a lot of courage for someone (certainly myself) to break out of their mold and venture forth into adventure and uncertainty and yeah, I am damn proud of myself.
Another layer of trepidation is the added paranoia that this is a door that I am opening to my spiritual self. I've not quite learned how to ground and shield myself though I do work on it. Having had a very surreal and unpleasant experience once before with dark energies I'm certainly wary.

We were given a hand out in one of our classes and it spoke volumes to me, I would like to share part of it:

"It is easier to be celibate than fully alive sexually. It is easier to withdraw from the world than to live in it; easier to be a hermit than to raise a child; easier to repress emotions than to feel them and express them; easier to meditate in solitude than to communicate in a group; easier to submit to another's authority than place trust in oneself." -Author Unknown

There is so much truth in this paragraph, it really strikes me on all levels. For so very long I had unconsciously adopted these attitudes. I thought that they kept me separate, safe and comfortable. Yet what they were ultimately doing was holding me back from the real human experience and dulling my soul.

No longer.

I am now actively crafting a life that will save me and will replenish my heart, my creativity, my sexuality, my spiritual self and destroy the evil EGO. I feel like every experience in my life has led me to this place. I can't help but wish I'd begun earlier though....but regret is a wasted emotion.

After the full moon esbat ritual there is a potluck dinner and that is what's really got me all a twitter. Frequently in social situations where I am not bringing a friend along I'm reduced to the emotional state of a kid on the first day of school. I'm sure it is the same or worse for most everyone but (luckily) all I have to deal with is myself.

Hopefully my cupcakes win the hearts and stomachs of my fellow witches. Pick me! Pick me! Let me join your club! Yikes. I've got to get a hold of myself.

I'm going to go swimming, clear my head and get on the road to my wedding body. (I say swimming but I suspect to others it looks more like drowning such are my aquatic skillz.)

Movin' On Up

Well, we're in our new place finally! This was the most hellish move ever and I can't express how glad I am that it is over! We are both really excited about this new stage in our lives, things are moving in a very positive direction and it's amazing!

Promise I'll write more soon!

seeing is not believing, seeking is believing

I have not mentioned it but I have begun my seeker classes.
It has been an interesting experience so far, nothing mind blowing but none the less I am thrilled by the prospect that this world does indeed exist.

All of my life I have believed in magick.

I was reminded of this as I went through some of my books while packing the other day. I came across a book I had as a child about fairies & gnomes. I knew at the time that others saw this as only fantasy but I always believed that there was and is more in this world than we 'know.' I have never seen a fairy or any woodland creature that I am aware of but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I have never seen Russia but I'm sure that exists as well. Same thing with outer space. The fact that other people say they have seen them means something, and it's more than a few people so it seems pretty accurate. Same with fairy folk and other assorted woodland creatures. There are many accounts of their existence from all over the world throughout time.

Same goes with magick.

The amazing thing is that now I actually know people who work magick. I have met real witches.

We are still in the very very beginning phase of our classwork, introduction to Wicca & Witchcraft really, but it's fascinating all the same. I feel a sense of calm within me now that I have begun this path. I feel as though this was the stepping stone that has been in front of me for years, I was just too.....cowardly to take the step.

All The Young Dudes

I'm a childcare worker.

A nanny to be precise.

I know it's risky business to talk about such things on a blog but I'm pretty certain that there are hundreds, thousands of us out there in blogger world and I don't intend to "out" my family by disclosing personal details. Since it's such a big part of my life though it's impossible to keep it out of my blog.

With that said, on with the show!

I recently started with this family that employs my services for a couple days per week. Not much, but enough. Especially since we've hit a snag. Every nanny knows the one I'm speaking of, it's that time when you cease to be the cool new person that they get to play with and become this nagging annoying bitch who consistently makes them say please and thank-you, pick up their toys, won't give them all the candy they want and makes them practice writing their numbers & letters.

I only have the one 5 year old boy for most of the day (brother comes after school lets out) and for the first couple of weeks it was going smashingly. Until yesterday. Somehow I went from this fun awesome chick- the first one he had ever met who knew the names of the Transformers and had read Spiderman comics to someone he was mean to and refused to listen to. I thought maybe we were just having bad day yesterday so I tried to brush it off as a bad day and his older brother's influence. But this morning as I arrived to work I tried to have a talk with him over breakfast regarding his previous days actions. I asked him if he really didn't like having me around and if he didn't think we were friends. He said no. He doesn't want to be my friend and he doesn't like me. I named off some of the cool stuff we've done since I started coming over and asked him if he liked doing that stuff, he shrugged his shoulders and I'm thinking to myself that I would have loved to have had someone do all those things with me when I was a kid!

Then it dawned on me, those things don't seem all that special to him because he gets to do them all the time. No leverage there. So I told him that he had hurt my feelings and asked him if he knew what that felt like. He said that yes he did. So now we're trying something new. I'm not in any way being mean to him, just not as accommodating as before. There's no small talk, no lists of fun stuff that we can do with the day, I've just been letting him amuse himself this morning and see what he thinks of that. He knows he's made me upset and it's bugging him but he just won't come around- he's got that toddler stubbornness. I just want him to understand that it feels the same way to someone else when you hurt their feelings as it does when someone hurts his. Empathy is not always an inherent understanding in kids and it's dangerous when it doesn't exist and they grow up without it.

People, do your kids a favor and don't make the only discipline your kid gets be through school and daycare/nannies.

KIDS NEED DISCIPLINE.

I can't stress this enough. It seems simple, but it also seems as though everyone has lost their damn minds with the way they 'raise' their children. They are not pets. They require more than food, shelter, clothes and moments of intimacy. All the money in the world, all of the expensive activities, the college fund you've been paying into their whole lives, the cool expensive clothes & toys you buy them will never make up for the fact that you are gone working all the time and virtual strangers are raising them.

People wonder why there are so many kids shooting people these days? I'm not going to go so far as to point fingers but hey- might want to consider it. I happen to love my job and love kids and would NEVER do anything to harm them but unfortunately not every childcare worker feels the same way I do. Never mind the worst case scenario of them actually abusing the children most of them are just entirely not interested in the kids, they largely ignore them and are rude to them. Sigh, it is a shame when materialism and the lust for bigger better and more competes with a parent's sacred charge to raise their children. I know I'm talking myself out of a job by saying parent's should just stay home to raise their kids but mostly above all I care about the kids and I've seen so many of them grow up confused, spoiled, unhappy, unruly. It's impossible to not love them, I just wish I could be real with parent's about what their kids are going through without pissing them off and losing my job. It's a no win situation.

Now, this in no way is a reflection on those (few) parents who have to work to pay their bills period. No extras, they are just struggling and need childcare to help out- different case altogether.

OK, I feel better having gotten that off of my chest. Whew!

From there to here

How I got here from there is a story that I feel warrants telling.

This is a story of answered prayers and confirmation of the divine presence in my life.

All of my life I have wrestled between a profound longing for a deep connection to the divine and being content to go about my pleasure seeking, not always positive- life.

About two years ago I dropped out of college for the second time. I have a track record of not following through with things and this was just another one to add to the list. I had my reasons for dropping out and although I was/am happy with those reasons, I felt the sting of disappointment of those around me all the same. Suddenly my days were wide open, without school to focus on I turned to job hunting but wasn't having a lot of immediate luck. Sitting in my apartment for weeks, staring into the abyss of my computer I grew more and more depressed. All of the familiar questions were rattling around in my head; "There has to be more than this right? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life? Is there really a God/Goddess out there listening? What is wrong with me?"

I wandered in and out of depression for the next two years, like I had so many times before. Caught between wanting to do something meaningful and positive with my life and feeling helpless to change myself and/or my circumstances.

While working an unfulfilling job with no real prospects on the horizon I felt like I had finally reached the end of my tolerance for this poor excuse of a life. I was completely unfulfilled in nearly ever aspect of my life and had finally grown tired of it enough to dedicate myself towards making a change. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to change for the better.

I restarted my research into Wicca & Witchcraft and found a lot of comfort in the writings & podcasts, they made me feel lighter, more positive. They helped me to see that the responsibility of my life lay in my hands. That there wasn't going to be a big booming voice from the sky saying "you should apply for _____________ job, it is your life's work." I had been wanting the easy answer, the easy road to enlightenment & fulfillment. What Wicca & Witchcraft did for me was to show me that yes, if I worked hard enough and made it the focal point of my life that I would indeed find happiness and fulfillment (and here is the important part) in THIS LIFETIME. Not after I died and was granted access into heaven, not merely building good karma for the next life, that the rewards would manifest in this lifetime. And I believe that. I do wholeheartedly believe in the threefold law.

And so I lumped along with my reading, working towards change in my employment & living situation, all the while asking for the Goddess to move me, move my life, show me the way.

Well, I was shown a hint. A peek. A wake up call.

I found out I was pregnant.

After 12 years without a scare now, now I was pregnant. We were terrified. We had never planned on having kids, we were totally broke, my fiance wasn't even working at the time. It was time to reassess everything immediately. I had to really look at my reasons for not wanting to have children. Upon close inspection I realized that those ideas were old, irrational fears based on examples of people who were in much different situations than we were. Everything changed, we got used to the idea, were excited about what was to come. We started changing everything- got ready to move, I quit my labor intensive job, it was all a green light.

The day we went in to have the ultrasound done that would tell us the sex of the baby was the most exciting day of our lives. We were giddy with it. Within seconds it was all over and the dream turned into a nightmare. We were told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.

Within 48 hours my mom had arrived to be with me while I went into induced labor. With my mom and my man beside me after 10 hours I had the baby.

In the subsequent weeks as we moved through the healing process I have come to so many realizations. While I was pregnant I was remorseful that I hadn't established my Wiccan/Witch identity and practices previously so that I could impart that to our child- I know enough about babies to know that they are all consuming and that I would have to wait awhile before working on that again. I was remorseful that I hadn't been exercising before , that my body was not in very good shape, my health was poor. I was remorseful that our finances were a disaster and our living situation not conducive to raising babies. The list goes on but suffice to say I wished that a good number of things would have been different.

Now that we had lost the baby I felt like we were given a second chance to do it right. To right all of those wrongs, to be proactive instead of reactive. I now see our 'whisper' baby as a wake up call. During that 5 months I mapped it all out, I saw the big beautiful picture, I found the entrance to the path.

Now we are actively making strides to rectify our situation to get us in a better place physically, spiritually, financially, & domestically. I'm sad for the baby we lost but I know she is waiting for us, waiting to come back when we are ready for her and can make this the most positive experience of our lives.

My prayers were answered, the Goddess moved me alright, it was a bit of a shove to be honest but obviously that is what I needed. I feel so much better about my life, myself and my purpose here. I realized that in the end the fulfillment I was/am seeking is not going to come from any kind of outside source, it will come from me, from my connection to the Divine, my family, my man, it's all about love.

It's No Coincidence

Lately my mind has been fixated on my commitment to begin the study & practice of witchcraft.

There's not a lot of time in the day when it isn't at the forefront of my mind. And I think, as such, the Goddess has taken this opportunity to grant me the request made within my first ritual. I sent up a prayer to the Goddess asking her to guide me to a path of spiritual fulfillment.

Today as I was in the kitchen preparing a lengthy recipe I decided to listen to an archived podcast from the ATC Pagan Information Network I had downloaded. There were a total of 22 podcasts. I started to listen to one, stopped it and picked another at random. The topic of discussion ended up being; 'how do I begin on the path to studying Wicca?' Hmmm, interesting. Out of all of them I get this topic.

After I finished my recipe I checked the mail and my books arrived for my seeker classes I will be taking in March. Yipppeee! Interesting timing..... After reading the first chapter in " True Magick" by Amber K I went into the kitchen to make some Chai. On the box was a little snippet of wisdom that echoed what I had just been reading in my book, "Wisdom and faith can remove all obstacles and bestow both worldly and spiritual success and happiness." (~Ganesha~)

I'm convinced. The path is clear to me now. I feel the God/dess speaking to me, moving my in my life.

I am so grateful to feel my eyes opening and my soul waking to the task at hand.
My mantra is; All things are possible through the God/dess. As above, so below.

Blessed Be

Not so fast....

Ok,
so I looked a little more into the Pagan church here and I just......I just....have such a hard time with churches. I guess I've had one too many bad experiences and am wary.
I have committed to at least one set of classes for 'seekers' which begins in March by purchasing the required texts for the classes. Hopefully the books arrive before the classes start! There is another group here in my area that offers classes as well and I may attend their classes too in the interest of comparing and deciding which is the best fit.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a rush here because we may not be living in this area for more than 6 more months. I could kick myself for squandering all of this time here, not taking more of a proactive approach towards appreciating this city for all of its bounty. All in all it has been an entirely amazing experience living here- most of those experiences were internal but I suppose that's not to be discounted.

Moving on and moving up.....

First Ritual Jitters & Joys

Last night I attended my first Pagan ritual.

It was in honor of the Hunger Moon Esbat. Or the Lunar eclipse as some of you know it.

I have been reading about the Pagan/Wiccan/Witch philosophy for a number of years now and I do believe I've done enough reading to know. This is the closest I've ever come to feeling like I've found a form of spirituality that answers the questions I've been asking. Reinforces the beliefs I've known since the beginning. Speaks to dreams I had as a child. It feels like coming home. And I know that it's mine, this isn't something that someone else turned me onto and could therefor in some way be construed as mirroring. This is all me.

I've been timid about taking the steps to begin practicing and furthering my studies but I've recently decided that it's time to begin this journey. Time to take a new path. I've been looking for a deep personal relationship with the Goddess and a God who speaks to what I know to be true. Not the vengeful, misogynistic biblical God.

I was nervous about attending the ritual but it was in a safe place and it felt like the perfect night to begin my commitment to becoming a Witch. I was afraid it would be a large group of people and that I would be the only newcomer and they would want me to speak (I am going to have to do that for a different Pagan introductory meeting. Yikes.)

Turns out there were only 4 other people there, one of them had never been to ritual before either and the others were exceedingly welcoming and kind. It was a joyous experience and I found myself to be more relaxed than I had imagined. I felt happy and connected to the moment. I am optimistic about this year and it is the very best of signs that I am finally moving in this new direction. This direction has caused it's fair share of waves though, my man isn't thrilled with this step in the least but we're working through it.

Once I finally decided to get serious about researching my options for outside contact and education I find out there is a wealth of resources in this area for the study of Paganism, Wicca & Witchcraft! To anyone who is familiar with the craft this blog will reek with incredulous trumpeting of an ugly swan but please understand- we all begin somewhere and I just happen to be beginning a little late. As is my custom with most any engagement...I'm working on it OK?! :)

(As an aside: I've been stumbling across a bunch of shit on the internet about 'fluffy bunnies' in regards to newbies, I'm not exactly sure what's being hated on here but it's probably me...)

So, I think I'm going back to church. This time though, it's a Pagan church. I really can't actually believe such a thing exists, small town girl that I am, I mean, wow. Seriously. The town I grew up in never even had a sex shop or a place to rent dirty movies, paraphernalia shops were/are out of the question. Tiny and uptight, full of drug addicted alcoholic bible thumpers this town would burn down such an establishment if it were to be constructed anywhere in the state of _ _ _ _ _ _ .

It dawned on me as I was perusing a store that specializes in P, W & W (Pagan/Wiccan/Witchcraft) items that we truly live in a great country that we can enjoy these spiritual options without personal threat. Around Valentines Day I read an article on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7239005.stm
saying that red items were banned from sale to celebrate Valentine's Day. No shit. Because it promotes relations between men and women. Our government certainly is a far cry from perfect but I appreciate that there are far worse options. I'm grateful for what I have (though I'll never stop asking for more, like a new president!!!)

Church is Sunday. I'm excited. And nervous.

For anyone stumbling across this (or nudged this way by myself and are suddenly finding things out about me you never imagined- SURPRISE!) if my talk of P, W & W freaks you out I seriously urge you to do some reading about what these spiritual paths actually encompass and do not simply close your mind due to smear campaigns, rumor, popular media & ignorance.

There is no Satan in the craft. Satan is a Christian construct, not a Pagan or Wiccan figure. Witchcraft is not Satanism. Only Satanism is Satanism. I am in no way now or will ever be in any type of association or league with the Devil. Rest assured. It's a dirty rumour that the two are intertwined.

Knowledge is power people.

For real.

Daydream away in a Daydream Nation

There is a large grey cat dreaming in my lap.

His paws are flexing, his tail twitching, I'm certain there are birds involved.

Every day he brings a smile to me, my grey companion~

What's a girl to do?

New beginings are always intimidating.

Are introductions in order?

A handshake?

Kiss on the cheek?

I suppose I'll just jump right in and the general chaos that is my writing mind will unfold undoubtably obscuring all previous intentions.

Beware:
Nothing is off limits here.