peek-a-boo

i'm not gone, just on sabbatical.

i'm cooking up some new projects, a new regime now that the wedding regime has ended.

stay tuned.

Takin' Some Time

I keep telling myself I've got far far too many other things I should be doing instead of writing on this blog but y'know what? I never write anymore. Not just here, but anywhere. No journaling. No poetry. No fiction. It sucks. And frankly I don't feel up to writing anywhere else so I'm going to do a little rambling here.

Bear with me as I muse about weddings.

I'm getting married in April. Pretty soon huh? Don't I know it.

Early on people (firstly my mom of course) told me to "be careful, weddings take on a life of their own, don't let this one become a beast!" I scoffed. (Yeah, I'm a scoffer ;)

Foolishly I thought, "not me, not my wedding. I'm going to keep it simple and under control."

Riiiiiiiggght.

The problem has not been outside pressure or an urge to please others, no disagreements between my fiance and myself. My problem is simply.....me. At first I was going super duper simple. No favors. No chair covers/sashes. I'll take the cake they offer for free and not really care what it looks like. On and on.

As time wore on I became increasingly inspired. Doesn't sound like a bad thing but trust me when I say inspired (for me) is anything but simple. I became obsessed with the centerpieces. The only decoration we are doing is the tables. We aren't doing any special lighting, no big floral arrangements, just tables. So in my mind they needed to be utterly spectacular tables. How to create spectacular tables on a very tight budget? That was my mission. Well, the one thing that didn't change in the end is that we aren't hanging any special decorative lighting and we still aren't doing any big floral arrangements.

We are however not taking their cake, I saw pictures and it's just poop. I was shocked at how bad it looked, really. Anywho, we found a great lady who is going to make us a fabulous cake. A cake I still have to desing... We scored free chair covers out of the deal since the cake was part of the package price we traded it for nice white chair covers. I saw their chairs. Lame. They are a dark maroon color when the drapes and color palette is all dark green and cream. Weird. Our wedding colors are a bright chartreuse green & crisp white. (Incidentally those are the colors of my dress as well, ;~)

I went around and around with myself on the tables looking for just the right thing to spark THE VISION. I wish I had a meter on the Internet at work & home so I could see just how many hours I scoured the web. There is a staggering amount of shit on the web that is related to weddings. It's no shit that it is a 40-70 BILLION dollar a year industry. Numbers are shaky hence the huge gap but there are so many independent people who own shops or work out of their homes that do not contribute to the statistics that it's hard to get an accurate account. It's reported that the average wedding in the U.S. costs $28,000.00.

Hard to believe. The only person I know that even comes close to that number is someone I work with who said her wedding came in at about $25,000.00. Not including the honeymoon. Most people I know don't even come remotely close to that number but I don't doubt that it's possible.

Selling fairy tales is a big business. Selling status is an even bigger one.

I worked some weddings at the country club I used to slave for that were re-dic-ulous. Waaay over the top. Whateva. It's not my thing but don't get the idea that I look down on others who do it that way, to each their own. I would rather spend my money on stuff to do while I'm there.

It looks like I'm actually going to make my predicted budget of $5-6,000.00 . It is a destination wedding, so of course it's going to be a little spendy. But that's why we waited so long so that we could be in a position to do it the way we always dreamed. Tropical. Vacation with all of our close friends and family. Oh yeah.

Okay, so I should quit crying but this really has turned into such a fiasco. Ultimately the tables are going to be a vision. I've received most of the stuff that will be going on the tables and it's all divine. I'll post pics of the reception, promise.

I had a moment of divine inspiration for the tables. It was weird, it came to me in a flash and it was completely perfect, completely me, completely unique. Somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't really want a simple no frills wedding because in the end what I am doing is throwing a party for myself, for him and for all of our friends and family and dammit, I'm going to show them how it's done! (he he he) I've always enjoyed throwing people birthday parties, being the hostess is a tough job but pretty damn fun too. And because I did log in all those hours I was able to get some pretty sweet deals on everything. I haven't paid full price for anything yet except my dress, his clothes and the flowers.

That said, I'm so tired of planning. I just want the fun part to start already. I can't imagine those brave souls that have hundreds of guests. I've got 30 and it's a bit much. Then again, the most stressful part has been handling every one's lodging for the week. Asking people for $$$$ is never fun. Having to demand it because they won't adhere to deadlines is double not fun.

Soon it will all be worth it. I just keep looking at the pictures I've got in my head.

Oh, and I'm two sizes smaller now thanks to spending half my life at the gym. It's worth it though, there's just no freakin' short cuts to getting slim and feeling better. Damn it. It's true.

On a side note:
Anyone down with Poetry Daily? There is some inspired work on this site.
http://poems.com/

How 'bout Verse Daily?
http://www.versedaily.org/index.shtml

That's my little poetry nudge.

~Peace out~


~Blessings~

musing....

All of a sudden I find that I've finally got some time to myself.

It is so rare that I have time alone. For one we live in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment and the other is that I work with my fiance. Every errand, everything we usually do together. One might find it ironic that I am reveling in being alone on Valentine's Day but I guess I'm cool with it because besides loving him, I love myself too.

Plus, I give him far more loving attention than I do myself. I work out nearly every day now which I feel like is giving myself love....a, uh...strict sort of love...but it's for my well being after all. That's really about it.

So I laid in bed and read this morning. Glorious. A good day starts with being able to rejoice in the silky smoothness of being in bed. It's my favorite piece of furniture.

Now what?

A Long Time Coming (home)

One year. One day.

I'm a student again (formally) and I am so excited and so proud. I can honestly say I am proud of myself for making this happen. Or maybe I should say for allowing it to happen. I know for sure that the path to Witchcraft was paved by the Goddess and God. Too many things all came together in the right sequence to see it any other way. Amazingly I was smart enough and determined to take all the right steps. Steps home.

This whole experience has given me irrefutable belief that reincarnation exists. Sure I've been working on getting here my whole life with every experience and all of the soul searching I've done. Yet as I learn 'new' things I realize that while I know I haven't come across it previously I totally understand it and know right away if it is something I personally believe. I haven't told Swan this, she might think I'm being arrogant. The facts & details of the above mentioned things isn't necessarily clear but I recognize ideas/philosophies instantly some times, more often it happens over a period of a few hours. I don't know, I'm not very good at explaining it I think...

Swan is the most amazing mentor ever. She is everything I could wish for in a teacher. She is one of the only people I've ever felt is truly genuine. She truly lives as she believes. I know she isn't necessarily perfect but I gotta tell you she seems pretty perfect to me so far. And the most impressive thing is that it has been a work in progress. She has struggled but in the end she was able to consciously change herself into the person she wanted to be. Her sincere self. Genuine self. With her will and her own personal power she has sculpted her life. She embodies the word Witch.

This is a truly transformative path I am walking, walking for exactly a year and a day.


Then I'll run.

Tick tock

I'm still learning how to be a Witch.

Life is a blur these days but I will return, promise.

Jus' sendin' a little love on this Winter night~

Long Night Moon

Happy Holidays!

Looks like I've got some catching up to do!

I got thrown out of orbit this last couple of weeks and am just now getting back to...well, everything.

This has been the strangest month and I suspect the Moon is the culprit. On December 12 we experienced the closest full moon since 1993. If one were to doubt the influence of the full moon (as well as new moon) they might do well to take note of the extra high spring tides along the ocean shoreline. The effects of the full moon were exaggerated this month due to the proximity of the Moon to Earth and I was feeling it for sure.

In short, I was a wreck. My emotions were ping-ponging around inside of me creating a nervous energy that was tiring and stressful. I was a little shocked at some of the things that came out of my mouth. I cried. And I cried. A lot. My body ached, I've had a neck & back ache accompanied by a headache for the bulk of the month so far.

Coming to the understanding that it was the lunar energy that was spinning me out I wonder if I knew more about attuning my energy if I couldn't have processed all of that differently and seen more positive effects. I suppose in 8 years I'll be far enough along in my Witchy ways that I'll be ready.

Oh, and did I mention- my birthday was on the 13th?

Not a good day. I'll spare you the details but every intention to make it a joyous occasion fell through. Even when I resigned myself to the idea that it would just be a day for catching up on errands and getting things & stuff accomplished....no go. In the end I just ended up going home, crawling back into bed and crying for the next few hours.

Alas, do not fret-
The light at the end of the tunnel for that day was weed & booze. I decided the best course of action was to smoke as much as I needed to elevate my mood. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work. Sounds of water bubbling and coughing filled the night. Ultimately, success. A nice long conversation with my mom helped as well.

My man friend had to work that day and was intent on taking me out to dinner afterward to which I had protested, crying in the restaurant on my birthday just seemed too pathetic. Now that Mary Jane would be joining me I was bolstered and thought I just might be able to go and possibly enjoy myself. It pretty much mostly worked. I wasn't joyous but I managed not to cry and take down two stiff drinks (top shelf mojito & long island ice tea) as well as a piece of spectacular cheesecake. I do love cheesecake.

I missed three days of work when my 'monthly visitor' arrived. I was in so much pain and so emotional I could hardly stand myself. I had to cancel a full week of appointments. Hmmmm, happy holidays indeed. I am looking forward to my vacation that will be starting in two days. Once I'm on that jet plane I'll really be flying high.

On another note, I am going to be having my Dedication ritual with my mentor on Jan. 9th. Yikes. I've got so much work to do for that I'll be working hard during vacation but at least that's all I'll be focusing on. Besides fun, I'll be focused on that too. Oh, and I've got to pick my witch name as well. I've got a couple of ideas I'm tossing around....that's a toughie.

Any pointers on how to choose? Any resources anyone would like to name? I'm all ears. (I love that saying ;)



A very sincere wish for bountiful blessings for all the world over, may each and every person on this earth know love and banish fear~

~Happy Holidays~

The Shape of the Day

I know that if we were to harness the power of our minds we could do anything.

I know lots of stuff.

But do I really believe it? Enough to live it?

I had a talk with myself yesterday about the power of intention. I told myself that we DO believe we can change anything we want to. That we DO have the power to make our life whatever it is we aspire to. It IS possible. And we're doing it.

Slowly but surely.

I am truly making an effort to become the person I know I can be.

It's a slow and often painful process but as we've all heard before, each day is an opportunity to make a different choice. I am practicing being compassionate towards myself for my slip ups while at the same time still pushing to make progress.

I'm attempting to turn over my life, shake out all the bugs and grow higher and stronger than ever before.

In taking control of my health I am seeking to create unity between myself and Divinity. To create balance. I'm working at taking all of the loose strings, my poor health, my shriveled ambition, my hunger for spiritual fulfillment, my displeasure with my habit of 'wasting' time, multitudes of unfinished projects, my poor nutritional habits, my inability to budget money, my lack of self discipline, and I am attempting to pull them all together and turn them from ragged strings into a dazzling weave of dreams realized and potential fulfilled.

I'm going to the gym 5-6 times a week now, I'm doing better about my diet though I'm not obsessing over it, I've practiced centering a few times (still need much more practice!), working on the wedding planning some more, and cleaned my house finally!!!!

I'm getting there. I'm trying and I know that is all I can do.

One year ago today we lost our baby in a miscarriage. When I look at where I was a year ago I feel a sense of accomplishment and can see the ample blessings that have been showered upon me. I feel I have made major strides, realized a lot of the goals I set for myself. Looking back helps me to see more clearly where I am now. One year ago today.


Sigh.

Day by day.

Centering 101

My first practical assignment is to practice centering.



Any recommendations?



This is tough.



I don't really know if I'm doing it 'right'....



(Since I do not have my mentor's permission to use her name I will give her a name so I can quit referring to her as 'mentor'. Her name is now Swan.)



Swan and I had a great conversation about being present in your body, being aware of your body and some suggestions for centering. We tried it for a minute and I did feel a slight change, a mellowness and a.....stability (seems like a weird word to use..) that wasn't there before.



Interestingly this whole practice sheds light on something I have been actively working through for the last 6 mo or so. The dreaded 'Body Issues'. Yeah. Icky stuff.



One thing I have realized recently is that I have a resentment towards my body. I feel like it has betrayed me by hurting so much and being so out of whack. So, on a conscious level I know that the only reason it's behaving this way is a direct result of the way that I treat it but childishly I feel like it should supersede my tomfoolery. I could understand it if I were like....60 or something but the fact that I am only 30 and have so many health problems seems wimpy.



The resentment extends past my physical illness' to my sexuality. I was one of those girls that developed early and with that development came a whole lot of lessons, trials and tribulations that I had to deal with at a very early age. Too early I think. In many many ways my developing body took away the last few good years of what should have been my childhood and made me painfully aware of my approaching womanhood.



So, over the years I've learned to take myself out of my body. Now, trying to 'come back' has been difficult. I have only been taking notice of my body when it is in pain, otherwise I don't pay it much attention, I live mainly in my mind.



Plus, how do I know when I'm doing it? What does centering feel like?



Questions, questions, questions.......

The wheel of the year goes round and round

I have no idea where or why the song 'wheels on the bus' is stuck in my head but it is.

I am happy to report many wonderful things happening in my world.

Firstly:

Barack Obama.
I feel like our country passed an IQ test when they elected him. I don't think he is the answer to all of our problems, after all he is just another figurehead but what I do respond to is that he is DIFFERENT. He has a fresh optimism, a true spirit of teamwork, he believes that we can change for the better and he has inspired people in our country to hope for better days as well. That's good enough for me. I'm so sick of seeing what is essentially the same guy up there saying the same things, spewing messages of fear, issuing threats. The acceptance speech Obama made was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

Second:

I had no idea when my contemporary offered to mentor me that she was offering to be my full blown teacher for my year and a day training. I thought perhaps she was offering to answer emails if I had a question now and again. Nope. She's in it for the long haul!! We are even talking about doing a dedication ceremony come Yule time.

We've met a couple of times so far and it's been truly wonderful. She did our natal charts both as separate people and then for how we work as a pair and it's very encouraging! I love that we began our work together after having gone over our charts together and really opened up to each other about who we really are. Very refreshing.

The last time we met we began working on centering. This is brand new territory for me, it's a difficult thing for me to grasp for some reason. I don't have very acute awareness of my body, we've sort of been in a show-down for a long time now. It gives me lots of grief and I've not been very kind to it either. Quite the project.

And there's writing. Lots of writing. She likes to give essay topics which is great, writing is a fabulous way for me to communicate and I don't do nearly enough writing these days. My poor journal has dust on it!

How is it I feel I never have the time to really accomplish all the things I want to do? I've really been putting the pressure on myself to manage my time more effectively these days.

Thirdly:

I've begun going to the gym with regularity. Just when I thought I couldn't afford a personal trainer my gym ran a half off special on Halloween day and viola! I have a pile of sessions for three months. I also seceded to have the sessions be my birthday present from my man & my parents as well so that will help me 'explain' the cost. Plus I've been telling myself it is a wedding expense.

All last week I was so sore I could barely walk so I only made it to the gym for my training sessions, this week I'm going to try to make it in there on my off days for my cardio workout. One day at a time right? And of course I continue to work on my diet, I've been trying to steer clear of the frozen 'Lean Cuisine' type foods and eat 'real' food but make it calorically correct...I feel a little shaky about this but I refuse to go back to the strictly frozen food diet. It's just not natural.

And fourthly:

(Is fourthly a word? I suppose it is now!)
It snowed here! Just a little bit, enough to blanket the trees and cover the ground though it was gone in a couple of hours, it was astounding. I got up early after not being able to sleep and came out to the living room to say good morning to my kitty and there it was! I felt that squeeze in my heart I that I get when the first snow falls, I can feel it still. The change of the seasons is so truly miraculous, it touches my soul each and every time.

To anyone, everyone who might read this, I hope these words find you in a state of grace today.

Blessed be~

Hear me roar!

Alright, things are looking up today, just as I suspected they might.

A girl I work with has said that she could use a work out partner and now that I opened my mind to shifting my schedule around and rethinking some things I've realized it can work. I'll have to work out after work which is difficult as I'm sure everyone can sympathize, after a long day it's nice to just go home and chill but I can't seem to get my ass out of bed to get to the gym anywho so I'll give it a try with her after work.

And I got a very very cool email back from my favorite witch to work with her concerning my year & a day training. She has offered to construct a coven with just the two of us! I couldn't be happier! It means that I will have to stay up late and work out then rush home, get to bed right away and get up early to go meet with her to do our studies then rush home to get to work on time. Sounds hectic and I'm sure it will be but I guess that's life!

Whew! I'm going to have to get soooo organized with my time.....

I've got to give up thanks though, I asked and the Universe responded. Two very cool people have stepped in to help me realize my goals.

Kind of a warm & fuzzy feeling huh?

Yeah, it's warm & fuzzy alright.

Thank you.

Give me back my lion's heart

I feel like I should write myself out of this funk I'm in.

Problem is, there are so many things going on I don't really know where to begin, how best to articulate and if it is the proper forum to air this laundry on the web and of course, does anyone (besides me obviously) give a damn?

Well, at any rate, I'm going to give it a go and see if it does indeed make me feel better or bring me some clarity.

At the very least I know my girl Giggly reads this and that's good enough for me.

Ok, it all began first thing this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm going to (finally) begin getting up early and meditating & working out. I even went to bed extra early last night to facilitate this.

Alarm goes off.

Snooze.

For an hour.

I finally get up and lump about until my meeting for my 'free personal assessment' with a trainer at the new gym I joined.

I don't know what I was expecting but essentially what I got is:

You are out of shape.

You are over weight.

You can meet these goals but you're going to have to work your ass off.

You are going to have to pay a ton of money for a personal trainer, more than is reasonable and/or affordable so forget it.

The 'fitness group' that you wanted to join is less expensive than the personal trainer you wanted but is still outrageous and even though you decided to pony up for it, it isn't available outside of your work schedule so forget it.

Oh, and in order to get a workout plan put together for you we're going to need you to cough up $350.00 for a heart rate monitor, a cardio endurance test that will tell us what your target heart rate is and then we'll come up with a plan for your workouts.

Bullshit.

I can't believe the cost after cost after cost.

So I left feeling very dejected and discouraged.

Then at work, I start thinking about how the Wiccan group I was hoping to dedicate with told me to hit the bricks.

It still stings. Again, dejected and rejected.

It breaks my heart that I finally for the firstest time ever find a group of people who are on the same path, that feel like a real community of like minds and BAM! the door is shut.

"No, you walk this path alone." (that's what I hear)

Yet, I do feel like it is good to be humbled and so I emailed the one person I felt I connected to the most and asked her for some help putting my own year & a day training course together. I also asked if I could still come to esbats from time to time. I told her that I was hurt and confused by the way in which the door was closed not only to study but seemingly to the community as well (mainly due to the fact that I haven't heard from anyone at all once since it was known that I wasn't dedicating with either group)

It's my truth and I had to say it, it made me feel silly and small and weak but I said it. At the time when confronted with the decision not to dedicate me I played it cool and made my best effort not to show I had been affected. This is what I do, I play it cool and brush off the most insane shit people throw at me. This in particular wasn't an 'insane shit' instance but the others make me cringe to think about.

What next you ask?

Someone who was previously a good friend just had a baby today.

Why is that a total bummer?

Well, she basically stopped talking to me for a (then) mysterious reason nearly 10 months ago.

I talked to her, likely, a total of maybe 8 times during those months. During one of those calls she decides to tell me she's 6 months pregnant. Drama, drama, drama, I won't go into how fucked up that all ended up being but after she told me that she stopped talking to me again totally. I'd call all the time and she wouldn't answer my calls, email, myspace, nothing. Nada. Zip.

So today she calls and tells me she's had the baby and then just goes on talking like nothing weird ever happened. Like I'd just talked to her yesterday.

Oh, and turns out she wasn't 6 months pregnant, she was 8.

Her new friends threw her a baby shower a week ago. It was fabulous, they gave her a ton of gifts.

Neat.

No idea why she decided to keep all of her friends & family in the dark about this baby but her new work friends have known all along.

She didn't even tell her mom, a friend of ours told her about a month ago. A month before the baby was born. I have been struggling with the rejection she doled out, hoped I'd get to talk to her at least once more about the baby and some of the potentially dangerous mistakes she was making (she didn't go to the doctor ONE time before going in to have him) before the baby came but no luck. So, I had to play it cool and pretend I wasn't upset, just chat as if everything was cool. What, I'm going to pick a fight with a BRAND new mom? Right. Plus, I was blindsided. Shocked. Just like when she first told me about the baby.


Today, my heart was made out of glass.

I'll have my lion heart back tomorrow though.

I just know it.

I feel like there is a sticky, goopy tornado whirling around inside of my chest & stomach.

What a day.

As the wheel turns

Ok, admittedly it didn't take me long to get over it all.

About 3 hours.

I can see the wisdom in this turn of events.

I'm back on my feet and planning a dedicancy ritual of my very own for Samhain.

My year and a day training starts Nov. 1st.

I can see that the Lord & the Lady have seen fit to show me, again, in another way that anything worth having in this life is worth working for. There are no easy answers. It's easy enough to lurch along with classes while under pressure to perform. I squeeked by exceedingly well my whole life. I did during my Seeker classes too. Sometimes I wouldn't do any of the homework until the day/night before.

Depth of understanding & enlightenment won't come that way. I'm going to have to conquer my greatest foe in order to become a real Witch.

My lack of discipline.

There is a reason for everything. A lesson.

To use a phrase the youngsters are all wild about, I got served today.

Even more, my year and a day training will correspond with my impending weight loss/ work out training.

There is a voice speaking to me in the back of my mind, my own little Jiminy Cricket. It says in a tone of voice that I don't much care for "you can run but you can't hide." I've got to get motivated and save myself.

Mission Statement:

To actively work to save myself from a life of boredom, complacency, bad health and over all lack of spiritual fulfillment.








whew. I got myself all excited.

Solitare

So, I guess I am a Solitary Witch.

I don't really know how I feel about this just yet so I hope this doesn't come across as too pitiful, I'm sure it's as intended, but I feel bummed all the same.

I got the word today that the group I had been petitioning dedicancy to has said that they will not be accepting me for initiation.

Sigh.

The only issue they mentioned is scheduling. I work till late at night and they were wanting to meet during the week. I don't know if there is more to it than that, if there is I guess I don't want to know. All of this leads me to wonder if I totally screwed up by not leaving the door open to study with the first group I began my seeker classes with. But, I guess it's too late for that. I told them on Friday that I would not be seeking dedicancy with them. Really tho I had already figured out that it wouldn't quite work out for me to study with them.

And now I'm left where I was scared to end up. Ready to go, totally into pursuing this and......no teacher. Again. I guess it's my destiny to walk a solitary path.

I couldn't believe my luck that I'd 'stumbled' into this rich Pagan/Wiccan/Witch community complete with tons of classes and full blown initiate training. I was so close to beginning my year and a day training. I've been looking forward to this for so long. I feel deflated & disappointed.

What is so upsetting to me is that I was really looking forward to learning all of this from people, not just from books, to see this done in real life. I need the structure of class to keep me motivated and to help me to know where to begin and how to work through all of this wealth of knowledge. I don't just want to flit from thing to thing when I have the time. Now there are no classes. There is no initiation. It's just me. Stumbling through this.

The one nice thing is that one of the people I connected to the most intensely has offered to be a mentor of sorts. She has said she would meet with me regularly. I know how that goes though, she is still teaching the Seeker classes, running a brand new coven and possibly starting a new job at some point in the future.

I feel like crying.

When they told me it was so hard not to show how disappointed I was. But instead I always do this thing where I pretend I'm not upset, that everything is ok and concentrate on convincing them that I'm not upset when I really am.

So I guess it's up to me now to puzzle all of this out and go off on my own. They said I would still be invited to open rituals but most all of the actual sabbats are closed I'm sure.

Always on the outside looking in.

Thank the Lord & Lady the dishes were done and the house clean when I got home tonight, I really don't feel like I can handle any more disappointment today.

What makes it more of a bummer is that our full moon ritual went smashingly tonight. At least I thought so. Maybe they didn't.

Oh well, I'm off to throw a pity party for myself.

Wanted: Inspiration

While everything about the weather, the season & the landscape is inspiring lately, I just don't seem to be inspired to write. I have been painting but no writing. I can't think of how long it has been since I last wrote poetry.

Hmmm.

It's not that life has been all that serious as of late but I think there is a pervading funk enveloping the U.S.A. right now.

I'll be back.

Turning

There's so much going on these days I can hardly keep up with myself!

Life gets busy and I stop blogging...

I met with the new group that I'm looking to study with and had some tea. We talked, and talked, and talked-well, mostly I talked which is really strange for me. It's a rare thing when I am with someone who I feel I can speak with freely. Most especially on the subject of spirituality and other such things. I can b.s. with just about anyone on 'every day' topics but I find it's best to keep silent on a majority of things I want to say. I didn't used to care about being inflammatory, and it's not as though I worry about what others think of me now it's that I have realized one doesn't have to shout from the rooftops to validate themselves to others. I am who I am and while that seems to be left of center I'll just keep that as a tasty little treat for 'others' to discover with time as opposed to slapping them in the face with it.

I've been having a hard time finding time to squeeze in my spiritual practice. I've been meaning to start meditating every morning & exercising again as well. This last week I was lucky if I got up & to work on time. I'm naturally a night person and my job definitely caters to that proclivity.

A good chunk of the things on my to-do list have been taken care of these last couple of weeks tho so it should be a little easier to get going on that front.

I will be starting a week long fast on monday per orders from my holistic doctor. I had a series of tests done and he has determined that my blood sugar is to blame for all of my health woes. According to the tests I'm very nearly diabetic. My body does not process sugar correctly thus the insane weight gain, low energy, headaches, joint aches, skin problems, and a myriad of other things. So, we are going to start taking some steps to get me put right. Firstly I have to start losing weight and exercising. Those two things just so happen to be my first priority as well. I found that this week while I've been 'gearing up' for this fast I've been drawn to indulging in my favorite foods because this is the 'last time' I'll be able to have them. Damn. I'm a food junkie. I love pasta! Oh well, I like my health more...(says the girl who is getting ready to exist on what is loosely called a smoothie but in reality is flavored powder in water for an entire week.)

Wish me luck.

Shadow time

During the full moon esbat on Saturday night we were called to reflect upon our shadow selves. 'Tis the season for self reflection!

I know for some this can be a hugely difficult task, for myself, I've been communing with my shadow self since I was a child. While I've always known her and acknowledged her I have only recently come to understand and accept her role in my life and my spiritual advancement. I never had a context to put this shadow self into, never known why she existed or appreciated how knowing her has helped me to be self aware. Growing up I thought there was something wrong with me, this darker self, this shadow aspect seemed 'bad' in the Christian context. I fought her thinking that if I could kill off the darker aspects of myself than I would be enlightened, without blemish, clean & pure.

Thanks again Christianity.

Now that I understand what function my shadow self serves I am able to trust & accept her and integrate the knowledge that she offers more readily. There is duality in all aspects of nature, if we could but appreciate that there is no light without darkness I think we would all be a little more compassionate towards ourselves and the world as a whole.

Listening and learning, what a concept huh? I'm getting it, bit by bit.

In other news, I made it in to the local herbatorium (my term, I like the way it sounds...) and purchased some herbs for a gift I am making my new niece. I am sewing her a decorative pillow for her crib, it's in the shape of a star and will contain red roses, lavender, clove & frankincense in a satchel tucked in the middle. I plan on blessing the herbs and sealing them with a prayer for her health, happiness & protection. This is the first time I've done anything like this so I hope it goes well, we'll see!

Can you feel it in the air at night?

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
George Eliot

Wise words Mr. Eliot, I would have to agree.

Though it is still very hot & humid here I have noticed that the nights are a little cooler. Really what has got me excited is that August is half over and I just know that we are getting closer and closer to Autumn. I have to say I was taken by surprise when I realized that summer is nearly over.

This particular summer has sped by, especially compared to last summer which I thought would never go away. We haven't had nearly as many days of scorching hotness as we did last summer also which is a big bonus. When I look back on last summer I am really able to feel that we are in a better place. Better location wise, employment wise, mentally, artistically, motivationally, spiritually, it's all on the up up and away train.

I never really realized what the Autumn season signals to others, I never thought of it as being a beacon to my (previously undiscovered Witch family) all the world over. With the recent turning towards Autumn I have come across a couple of testimonials to the connection between Autumn and Witches. The following text is written by Victoria David Danann for Seasons in Avalon School of Witch Arts. The excerpt pertains to what I speak of, the rest of the essay is extremely important and should be read in it's entirety at: http://witch-school.com/CallToHealing.html

"Sometime in my early thirties, to the best of my recollection, I glanced out the window and did a double-take as I felt a surge of inexplicable delight. Something had changed in a way I perceived as "overnight". The shadows were cast differently somehow. The sunlight seemed softer, as if a filter had been installed between Earth and Sun. Even the dance of the tree leaves had changed.

I began to look forward to that one day every year -- the day when I would casually glance out a window and feel a rush that said, "Fall!" I always knew I loved Fall. I didn't always know that it's partly because of my calling and predisposition as Witch. Fall marks the beginning of what I call Magick Season; the time, between Samhain and Yule, when Witchcraft renders the greatest satisfaction and the greatest rewards."

It's funny, as I was writing my lovely friend Giggly all about how much I love this time of the year I received a letter from her in turn saying the very same things.

I am in such a happy place right now, even though money continues to be an issue and there are always oh so many things to do I can't help but feel positive and excited for the future. Such a welcome change.

As the days & nights grow cooler I feel more alive, more myself, exhilarated, ready


"The hazy, cloudless skies of Indian Summer.
Leaves scurrying down the street before the wind.
The cold shiver from an arctic blast. Indian Summer.
The last warmth of the sun.
Chilly mornings and glorious warm afternoons. The Harvest Moon. The Hunter's Moon.
Dry corn stalks clattering in the wind.
The touch of frost on grass and window pane.
The smell of burning leaves."

Keith C. Heidorn

A new day

Well, though I may have fallen off the wagon.....BIG TIME....I am not quitting like I have in the past. I have launched many many health campaigns in my time and not followed through on any of them. I haven't gotten as far as I have this time before either. It looks as though my schedule is going to be stable now and is far more conducive to working out and eating healthy than practically any before. I don't have to be to work until after noon so there is plenty time to get to the gym and get a work out & shower in plus a healthy breakfast & lunch before I head to work.

I have to commit now because I bought shoes! I finally splurged and bought myself some really nice athletic shoes. I used a coupon but still they were more than I like to spend on such things. I'm not a tennis shoe wearin' kind of gal in my day to day existence so while I need actual everyday shoes I was hesitant to go with the athletic shoes instead.

I have a pitiful shoe collection as far as most women are concerned. Most of my shoes are for special activities, I have hiking boots, steel toe work boots, insulated steel toe work boots, Doc Marten pole climbers (boots that go up to my knees), two pairs of shoes that have holes in them with cracked soles, two old pairs of Doc Marten boots that I wore for over ten years and are retired but I can't bring myself to throw out, three pairs of platforms that are my only dress shoes, a pair of Adidas tennis shoes and that's it. Pretty pitiful. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit though so I usually get discouraged, it's akin to bra or swimming suit shopping for me. How did I get on the subject of my shoe collection? Bah, I'm rambling....

Anyway, I'm going to start going to the gym again dammit. I've now got less than a year before my wedding, time is ticking. Speaking of which can you believe it's August already? All of the back to school ads have been throwing me. Is fall really right around the corner? Wow.

Hey, where did everybody go?

I miss having friends.

This is a slightly hypocritical remark on my part due to the fact that I find myself too busy or rather....preoccupied most of the time to put in the work to maintain an active friendship with anyone around here. It takes a lot for me to take a relationship from casual acquaintance to close friend, to someone who I feel comfortable calling up to go to the movies, have a drink or come over for a chat.

I'm guilty of not feeling up to the challenge of going through the paces with someone new. I want instant close friends, like the washcloths that are shrunk down in cute shapes and expand into sponges or washcloths when dropped in water.

I haven't really had much luck meeting people living here the last few years, in the past when I would be alone for the whole summer I would get brave and hunt for friends. This led me to craigslist.

Yeah, that's right.

I made friend dates with people off of the casual acquaintance section of craigslist. It made for some fun, wild, weird stories but ultimately didn't lead to any long term acquaintances. I don't regret a single one of them, well....except for one guy who was....strange. He looked like an adult size leprechaun but add scary sharp teeth...he was very needy & self obsessed. He seemed to have a whirlwind of drama about him at all times. He would have liked to be bosom buddies but I don't do drama. Especially when I'm just getting to know someone and all they want to talk about ALL THE TIME is their conversations with other people whom I don't know. If you can't take a pause and ask me a question....any question...or involve me in the conversation on any level then I'm out.

This weekend I would have liked to have had a friend. A real true friend. I felt like going out and having some fun for a change of pace, normally I'm not much for going out really. I was really wanting to go out and have a few drinks, wander around down town....something. I called everyone I knew, even those who I don't much care for....no one answered or was able to go out.

Boo hoo.

It was Llamas this Saturday but I didn't go. I've been feeling a little out of sorts about the coven and wanted to make a little space between us. I won't spell out the drama but suffice to say I don't think they are the group for me. I believe I have found an alternate coven to do my year & a day studies with, hopefully that works out.

Well, my man gets home tomorrow and I'm ready. At first it wasn't so bad but now that I've got a case of the lonelies it'll be nice to have him back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

"You aint got to lie Craig!"

If you know what movie the title is a quote from you too might, just might be a stoner too.

I am, these days, a non smoking stoner.

I think that's part of my problem. I don't do anything to relieve stress lately. Not that smoking the bubonic chronic is the best way to deal with your stress but now and again? Yep. It's just what the doctor ordered.

I have had to quit in order to comply with an impending drug test for my new job. At first I wasn't that bummed cause I'd been laying off for quite some time before I knew I had to give it up for a bit. I haven't been a true blue stoner for years but.........I do likes me some tweeds from time to time. And right now. RIGHT NOW is one of those times. Damn.

I'm practically twitching here.....