heartbroken

On Friday, Sept. 18 my mother-in law passed away in her sleep.

You know that part in the Harry Potter movie (can't recall which one right now) where someone is describing how the dementor's kiss felt and they said "I felt as if I'd never be cheerful again."

That's how I feel today.

I wish I could just quit my job and run away and be with my family.

Catching Up

Okay, so there’s a whole lot going on in my life as the wheel turns ever closer to Autumn.

To catch up, I’ve continued to work on my Book of Shadows and am having a blast with it. I’ve been getting all of my notes I’ve taken over the last few years from my Seeker classes, my Year & A Day classes, notes from books I’ve read/am reading, my astrological charts and such all re-written on my lined paper I ‘made’ and hole-punched and ready to roll! So far I’m steeped in the ‘getting ready’ phase of the books. I’m collecting information, re-writing things, continuing to organize and of course collecting cool papers, stickers and irresistible pens. Soon I will begin to actually put things into the binders but I’m just not ready quite yet.

I’ve taken a bit of a break on my book as of the last week to welcome my mom to the cities! She is able to visit me for 10 wonderful days and we’ve been having a blast!!

Generally we are both housebound hermits and so it’s invigorating for us to be going and doing so much. I had a four day break from work and we were barely home any of those days. I forget how nice it is to have someone around who is into the same things you are and is sooo easy to hang out with. It's rare and wonderful.

We went to the annual Renaissance Festival which was far cooler than I thought it would be! It’s always nice to get those surprises. Everyone around here is always amazed when I tell them how long we’ve been here and that we haven’t gone to the State Fair or the Renaissance Festival. Generally I’m not a very good crowd person. (Neither is my mom) I tolerate it during concerts but have noticed that even that is wearing a little thin for me and it is getting tougher. I need to practice shielding and get better at protecting myself from other people’s energy I think. Plus, we were given some ticket discounts so that helped immensely as well. $20.00 a person admission? What the hell?!*! So now only rich people get to see such wonders? It’s the same thing here with the science museum, they charge so much to see the traveling exhibitions that we rarely go. Jerks.

Okay, sorry for the rant, back on track.

So yeah, we bought some great artwork from some really talented artists, my personal favorite is an artist whose name is DeLayne Hostetler. I bought two prints, one for myself and one for Swan as a surprise gift. Maybe I should hold on to it for Yule? Hmmmm…. Her website does not do justice to her work, tho you can get a pretty good estimation on what she's up to by clicking on the small icons.

Another great artist who my mom just ADORES and bought a substantial amount of work from is Randal Spangler. His work is so dense and imaginative!! Really I encourage you to take a peek at both of their work, they are wonderful people keeping magick alive in the world & uplifting the spirit.

Oh! And I found the coolest pendant that was just waiting for me, it is a squid with wings. I have a major thing for octopus & squid. Not entirely sure why, it’s a relatively new obsession but I find them fascinating beyond compare. And wings, well, I’ve been obsessed with wings my whole life. I just happen to have a set tattooed to my back.

I love buying local art and supporting artists. Rarely do I ever have the money for such things but I was in a mood that day and since my husband didn’t acknowledge our 14th anniversary I figured I’d just do it for myself. Ha!

And along the lines of art, I was able to wrangle the husband, roommate, mom and myself into the last day of a traveling exhibit at our museum for William Holman Hunt. It was amazing!! The link will take you to an image of my favorite painting from the show, I looked and looked for a good one, one that would showcase the enormity of the work, the brilliance of the paint, the skill of the artists hand but alas, none of them did him a bit of justice. If you EVER get a chance to look at this mans work, please do yourself a favor and check it out. I’m not sure where the show is traveling to next, it’s sooo worth your time. The name of the painting is “Lady of Shalott” after the poem. The scale of the painting was amazing and the brilliance of the paint unreal. I can’t say enough about this guy, all of his work had a very intriguing quality. His life was scandalous as well which only adds to my fascination with him.

Aside from affairs of the art (ha ha, I’m so clever, well….I like to pretend anyway…) I am getting outrageously excited for my trip to see the healer Solomon Wickey. I will be there exactly one week from tomorrow. I’m nervous about traveling alone which I very rarely do but am so excited that I’m not fixating on all of my little paranoid hang-ups.

This Sunday my mom will be accompanying me to Swans house for my class and I think we are going to try to put together a ritual to help me assimilate my healing, release my fears and over-all just prepare me for my journey and my healing. Should be great, this will be the first time my mom has met Swan and also the first time she will be a part of any type of ritual. We’re all pretty stoked!! I just know that she & Swan would be fast friends if she lived here and they were able to spend time together. I will give a full report on my visit with Solomon just as soon as I am able, hopefully it will be all good. It’s a slippery slope to not put too much expectations on a person/event but still put positive energy towards it/them. I’m not very good at it yet, I’m afraid I’ve got a massive heart investment in this opportunity….

Till then, breathe the last bits of summer deeply and get ready to welcome Autumn!! My favorite time of the year~

Let the Book of Shadows begin!

I’m so proud of myself!!
I have officially begun my Book of Shadows!! This has been something I’ve been excited about doing for well over a year now and finally the time is right to begin! I’ve gathered materials and been ruminating about what I would like said book to contain.
Recently I started a list of items I’d like to include.

It filled up an entire page.
Yikes.

Something Swan (my mentor) suggested saved the day- break it up into multiple books. For some reason this hadn’t occurred to me but now I’m so glad because now I get to make not only one super kick ass cool book but a grand total of……..
(drum roll please)
FOUR!!!

There will be one grande book, the mammacita of them all, my official Book of Shadows and then in typical fashion (everything is in triplicate with me) there will be an additional three books that will cover a myriad of topics. (I swear I didn't plan on there being three, it just worked out that way)

I’m in heaven! Sure, it’s immense in scope but realistically I’ll be working on it the rest of my life so I suppose I have time. (Well, let’s hope I do…)
This has all the earmarks of a fantastic project- I LOVE BOOKS firstly, secondly; I love handwritten books- be it books of poetry, journals, whatever, the hand written pages are so much more personal and intimate to me. Thirdly, I get to decorate it!! That means stickers, sparkly wonderfully colored pens, lovely thick colored paper, decorative pages, my very own table of contents…and likely the best part of it all is what Witch is complete without a Book of Shadows?

This is all part of me taking initiative and shaping my identity and thusly my life. Going from thinking about this and longing to do it and actually making it happen feels good too. A lifetime of procrastinating and dreaming has left me with a deficit of actual projects completed and many dashed dreams. I did have to make some sacrifices to find the time for this though, one of them being opting out of participating in the gallery exhibition I was invited to show my paintings at. Oh poo. Oh well. There are only so many hours in the day!

I’ve got all of the chapters outlined, I bought colored card stock from the ever tempting ‘Paper Source’ and made my own lined sheets, I’ve gathered some fantastic stickers & pens & such, my notes and loose papers are all gathered, now all that is left is to begin!

My first step will be transcribing all of my loose papers onto the nice paper and putting them into the appropriate sections of the books. This will be very time consuming yet worth it, I’ve been taking Wicca & Witchcraft classes for nearly two years now so I’ve got gobs of notes that I’d like to organize and keep. Additionally I've wanted to organize my reference papers forever too- herbs, meditation techniques, symbology, Wheel of the Year, Tarot, things of that sort and much much much more.

I'm addicted to crafts and books.
Wheeee!

Part Two

The idea was a lightening bolt shot through my heart.

The idea that there are indeed real healers out there in the world and better yet, accessible to me. While it may seem strange that I believe in magick and yet am skeptical about the existence of bonafide ‘release’ healers I must admit that due to past experience I am skeptical. I’ve seen my fair share of people who profess to be healers, healers of the mind, body and spirit and I’ve not had overwhelmingly positive experiences with them.

I’ve seen acupuncturists that while the therapy might have been successful I was skeptical based on the fact that they don’t have an actual diagnosis they were working from, just a list of complaints. Seems a bit shoddy to me. The real kicker came when I was told that for the therapy to be effective I would have to see her at least once a week if not twice and that each session would be nearly $100.00. Yeah, right. Like I’ve got that kind of money.

The list goes on and on, I won’t bore you with the details. Same goes for psychics. I’ve blown a goodly amount of money there too. Usually they were highly recommended by others and each time I was at a place in my life where I desperately needed guidance, each time I was at a cross roads wondering which path to take. Only once did I ever get any useful information that was actually valid. That particular time was a lady I saw just by chance at a local occultist store. I’ve always wanted to believe, to take a chance on a different route. Every time I just end up feeling like a fool who threw money into the cosmic idiot well.

I’ve read so many testimonials about Solomon that I’m going for it. I’ve got the opportunity to see my mom’s naturopath if this doesn’t work out but if it does it would save me a lot of time and money not to mention restoring my faith in the healing community. One of the things that leads me to think he just might be the real deal is that he doesn’t charge for his services. Yeah, that’s right. Not a dime. You are free to offer a donation but it is in no way solicited or expected I am to understand. He does sell herbs and remedies to support the healing services that he offers but you are free to buy them anywhere you choose. It’s been said additionally that he offers the herbs at cost and does not make a dime on them making them far cheaper than anywhere else.

I’ve had such a good feeling about the whole thing that I was on cloud nine and ready to rush right there and see him, my heart was on board but my brain was doubtful. So I started doing more internet research on him. After much digging and prodding I found my first negative review of Solomon. The writer was not being intentionally cruel towards him but had some scathing reviews of his supposed healing ability. He reported that he and his mother had gone to see him. His mother had been diagnosed with end stage liver disease and was living on dialysis. This was her last ditch effort to be well and live. Solomon told her to get off of the dialysis and to take the recommended herbs and she would get better. The family decided that it was too risky to take her off of dialysis and she too was afraid she would die immediately so they opted to stay on the machine and just take the herbs. The son reported that while the herbs did make her feel much better and improved her quality of life they did not cure her cancer and while she lived much much longer than the doctors had predicted she did eventually pass away. He was bitter and angry that the cancer had not disappeared. She was not spontaneously healed. Okay. So, does this mean he is a sham? The doubt that entered my heart was piercing and my mind screamed “told you so, you fool! You’ll bankrupt us yet!”

After I calmed down a bit and thought about it more I had a dialog with myself about the nature of healing. Now, it would be lovely if we could all die in our sleep after a long peaceful existence. Is that possible? Is it possible in respect to the balance of the universe? Of course not. So obviously some people are not meant to be healed. The trials and tribulations we all go through in this life shape our path. They give meaning to our triumphs.

That said, there are many of us who suffer needlessly from easily cured ills. One of the things that can and will obliterate our health and well-being is FEAR. The woman and her family were afraid of death and so chose not to follow his ‘prescription’ for healing out of fear that it would not work and she would die. So to deny faith and resort to fear are not the best steps to take towards healing.

With these things flushed out in my mind I was back on track and realized that yes, I am willing to take that leap of faith. I have to believe that I can be healed. Every day I ask the Goddess and God to heal me and make me whole. I am willing to do what I have to do. If it isn’t in the cards for me to receive spontaneous healing than I’ll go the long route.

Once again I’m going to reach for the stars and hope that they meet me half way. I’m working towards preparing myself for this healing by honing my meditation skills and detoxing my body. I want to be ready so I can take the ball and run with it when it’s my turn!!

My prayer for everyone reading this is that you are able to find your own personal path towards health, love and light. We all deserve to be happy and healthy. It is our Goddess/God given right.

Hope for Healing, part one

I bought plane tickets yesterday.

My brightest hope is that I will forever remember this trip as the day that changed my life. I am going to see a healer this September. Now, it's a long complicated dialog that I had with myself and it's likely anyone else faced with this information would find themselves struggling just as I did. Well, let me begin at the beginning before I rush to the end.

Like pretty much everyone I know I have a pile of health problems. I believe that mine really started with birth control. The pill wasn't so hard on me, I may have started on it a little early and who knows what that does to a young girl but I digress. It was the depo-provera shot that really did a number on me. I was only on it for roughly two years but it took an additional 4 years to get it all out of my system and start feeling 'normal' again. The problem is that I believe the balances had been tipped internally and since I never took specific action to rectify that my problems have continued they've just been a little more mysterious and not necessarily hormone related.

I've given up going to 'western' doctors with my list of ills, I've not gotten anywhere that way. I won't go into my tirade about western doctors and the issue I take with treating symptoms (largely with pharmaceuticals) and not the actual root cause. I believe that route is dangerous, costly and highly ineffectual. I've always looked to homeopathy for my cures and have had success with little things here and there. The problem is I don't know what the root cause of my suffering is. I've searched for a reputable naturopath and reluctantly admit to having seen one who I feel knew a bit about it, did help me a little bit but ultimately did not perform the panel of tests necessary to truly detect the deepest root cause for my maladies. I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on vitamins and herbs and while I did feel better I wasn't able to keep up with roughly 15 vitamins three times a day. With assorted teas that I was required to drink all day too. I know the natural healing path is a long and often slow one and ultimately I am willing to walk that path if that is what it takes to heal my body and MOVE ON.

Now I know a bit more about it and now I know that before the buying of the stuff there needs to be saliva testing, blood tests, kineseology, things of that nature. The problem with that is that I am not really able to afford all of that. For the first time in a very long time I have a job that provides health insurance but of course they do not pay for any of this since it's through a naturopath.

While it's important for me to get better really any way you shake it there is added pressure due to the fact that I think we're going to look at getting pregnant in December. I know that I NEED to get my health sorted out before we try again because I can't help but think that it is because of my health problems that we lost the last baby. I don't ever want to go through that again. It was a late term miscarriage which is more rare and the doctors weren't able to find anything wrong with the baby so I believe it was because of me. Of course like everyone we want to have a healthy baby and I know that if I am able to get myself put back together first we'll have much better chances of that.

I've begun cutting out all products that are not organic to reduce our exposure to chemicals. That means deodorant, shampoo & conditioner, lotions, soaps, cleaning products, anything that has SLS (sodium lauryl sulfate) and other scary things. I've also started to get strict about cooking as opposed to eating microwave entrees for nearly every meal. We got started on that because we can count the calories and it was less work but ultimately we ended up getting spoiled by the convenience while our bodies suffer with chemical, preservative laden foods. So we're detoxing and really working on changing our lifestyle.

My mom has been seeing a naturopath where she lives and she's convinced he knows what's up. He had her do all the tests and scientifically was able to figure out what was causing her ills and has begun to facilitate healing. She's very happy with the results. She healed up from a major surgery in record time thanks to his intervention in her post-op protocol. Okay, so this is where it gets interesting, the doctor that she is seeing has a receptionist who my mom started hanging out with- nice lady. One day my parents are hanging out with her and her husband and the subject of a nerve problem my dad was just diagnosed with came up. The husband says to his wife, "have you told them about Solomon?" and she replied with a red face "no, I haven't....I don't tell many people about Solomon." Well, naturally my parent's curiosity was peaked and they prompted her to just go ahead and tell them and they would listen with an open mind. The story that they told my parents is the reason I am flying to Auburn, Indiana in September.

In Amish country, specifically Auburn, Indiana there is a Amish man named Solomon Wickey. He has been reputed to be a magnificent healer. He is a master Herbalist, a kinesiology practitioner as well as an iridology practitioner. Above that though he is a "release" healer. In a release, which requires spirituality and a basic faith in God, hands are laid on the ill person and the affliction is “released out of the body.” Okay, so this is where it gets a little far out, right?

The couple went on to tell my parent's that the man had been afflicted with horrible pain in his knees his whole life. Since childhood he'd had to deal with the pain, swelling and lack of mobility. Doctors suggested surgery but weren't able to provide him with good enough odds to outweigh the risks and the cost so he figured he'd just have to live with it. That is until a friend of his found out about and saw a healer named Solomon. And so they left to visit him and see for themselves if he could heal his knee problems. He was told that his problems arose from improperly formed hips. He had him lay down as he moved his hands around above his body. After a bit he told him, "okay, you are fine now, you can go." The man didn't really understand and asked him, "well, so what do I need to take and what do I need to do?" Solomon's reply was, "nothing. You are healed. " And sure enough, when he rose and begun to walk he immediately noticed that the pain was gone. It hasn't returned since.

That got my attention.



To be continued.....

Positive Vibrations

I need to be channeling Bob Marley in a big way. And not just in the weed smoking department.

I've been so negative that it's really slowing me down. This summer it seems has been one of constant stress, disappointment, frustration and rampant negativity. It doesn't help that on top of my own b.s. it seems many of my friends and family are having a tough time of it lately too. The media certainly doesn't help either. I usually make a point not to read the news (not having T.V. keeps me away from seeing it) just to keep my head out of the 'fear fog' as I like to call it. Now and again though I'll get sucked in by some perfectly horrid tag line out of crazy curiosity and I'm always sad I did. Sensationalistic headlines are rarely highlighting some wonderful achievement or some beautiful miracle. They are usually showcasing the dredges of humanity, some horrific event that has happened. And what I don't need is any more proof that people are strange and horrible. I really need to start focusing heavily on positivity and drawing that energy to me. Dwelling on my families problems and trudging through my own then drowning in the sea of sorrow that is humanity is just messing with my head. I've been fighting this depression that I know so well, it knocks on the door every so often and if I'm not careful it sneaks in and takes up residence on my mental couch. It's a rude house guest and I swore I'd never let it in again after the last time it crept in and kept up residence for two years straight. Now, that was some tough times. Nothing like now. Thank the Goddess. I shall endeavor to fight the good fight.

Well, that's enough of that. Moving on and moving up.
I do have some good news to report. I finally couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and I talked with my man about my baby issues/questions. He said all the right things. For a change of pace. It was such a relief, especially due to the fact that I had wicked PMS and the hormonal surges held me captive in a dingy on high seas. One big wave could have capsized my raft and thankfully he didn't. Again, for a change of pace. I'm being hard on him but historically...well, let's just say it's not usually that smooth. He's as excited about this next venture in our lives as much as I am (he wanted to have a baby all along, it's me that took 11 years of our relationship to decide I did too) so he is willing to make the sacrifices that come along with a baby. We're thinking we'll look more closely at planning a time to start 'trying' which is a funny way to put it. I guess it's more like we'll not concentrate on not getting pregnant. Whichever you prefer I guess. Firstly I've got to get some health questions answered and get in better shape. I need to get my blood sugar problems figured out so I don't have the risk of getting gestational diabetes. More on the doctor dilemma another day, that's another source of negativity that I want to stay away from today.

I am making some progress on the magick front. I spent all day last sunday with Swan having a great session and hanging out. She is such a grounding force in my life, a wonderful teacher, an inspiring friend and an all around kick ass human being. Her and her man are just simply wonderful. They always feed me new & exciting food and wines every time I see them. I've renewed my commitment to the study of Witchcraft and am actively working towards creating a daily spiritual practice. This is something I've been yearning for my whole life and never really implemented. Next time I post will be to give a detailed account of the prayer beads she had me make and all that goes with that exercise.

Alas, I've got to get ready to head to the cubicle maze that is my job so I'll have to get into that later which will be a nice break from whining about my problems. I'm sure all four of you who read this will be glad to move on too! Thanks for sticking in there with me~

Brightest blessings to you all and may the Goddess hold you close and whisper in your ear~

All is Love
Love is all
Blessed be.

Oooooh baby baby it's a wild world....

Let me just start by saying, I had other ideas for this blog. Because not many people have a real, true understanding of what Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism is I don’t have hardly anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking about my training with. I wanted a way to catalog this amazing experience, maybe find an audience who can relate or expound upon what I’m going through. I never intended to make this a personal ‘boo-hoo’ blog. I’ve been careful about what I post cause we all know that once you put something up online it’s there. Maybe forever. And I also want to apologize if people are here to be a part of the Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism dialog and are left wondering, what is all this crap about babies? Let’s talk about the moon and spells and such! Well, I’ll be getting back to that, I promise.

Right now? Today? My mind isn’t on those things.

I’m still in a funk about the baby question. Okay, don’t run screaming, we are going to go down that road again and I must warn you that I talk about my period at the end. There, I said it. Now……

I’ve been wondering lately about hormones. Fun topic huh? Well, it’s been a health concern of mine for so long I can’t hardly remember when it wasn’t. What’s troubling me right now is that I have been wondering if it isn’t hormones that is pressing this baby issue. Okay, I’ll back up and explain where this comes from. Right after I lost the baby last year I was still all a twitter with the pregnancy hormones which kept screaming “BABY BABY BABY” and had me convinced that as soon as we got the green light to go ahead with another pregnancy that we would be trying RIGHT AWAY. Well, better sense prevailed and we realized that we *still* had a lot of stuff to get in order before we trundled off down that road. Waiting was the right thing to do. Here we are, a year later and while we are getting closer to being ready to try again we’ve decided it’s best to wait till I get some of my health issues in order, till we are closer to moving near my parents (our volunteer daycare) and about a hundred other reasons. I believe I mentioned in a previous post how I’ve been agonizing about wanting to have the baby NOW….and then, at some point I began to ponder…is it really the best thing for us to get pregnant? Not just now, but ever?

Here’s the facts, and feel free to chime in with your ‘two cents worth’ cause I could really use some help here.

We are moving to be closer to my parents who have graciously offered to help watch our baby since it’s unlikely I’m not going to have to work. This is spectacular, right? Yes. It definitely is. The problem? It’s impossible to think that me having to work will be temporary when we’ll be trying to buy/build a house, have a baby, and transition into new jobs essentially all at once. I really don’t want to be a full time working mother, even if the daycare is my very own kick ass mom.

I don’t think I’ll be able to stand missing out on EVERYTHING. All of the times I was a nanny and I would get to see the first steps, hear the first word, get to cuddle with them as they napped, teach them new things, I would think to myself that if this were MY kid I wouldn’t miss that for the world. Now, to be fair, the people I worked for didn’t NEED to work, they chose to because they wanted MORE and weren’t content with less.

That will not be the case with us as we are not starting out with anything and wouldn’t be able to get by with even just the two of us on one income. So, I would be doing just what I always said I thought was fundamentally wrong. Having a baby that you can’t raise yourself. Why would someone do that? Because they want that baby and come hell or high water they will get it! Is it the best thing for the baby? No. I know that. All of my years in childcare tell me so. The kids suffer and that is a fact. Now, if we had gotten pregnant by ‘accident’ like before then it’s out of my control. But at this point we’re making a decision to have a baby. Different thing altogether. Plus, my parent’s can’t get stuck raising the baby full time. I’m sure my mom would love to help out especially in the beginning but she has stuff going on too and giving up everything to raise our baby long term isn’t right.

The other problem that has been plaguing me is that my man has always wanted to be an artist. He’s amazing at it. The problem there? Let me count the ways. Here’s a few, he’s made little to no contact with the art world and has absolutely no job prospects in this field. He would/will have to start from ground zero to make this happen and doesn’t want to try to work a full time job and do it in his off hours. He’s terrified of getting stuck in some job he doesn’t give a shit about just to put food on the table and never ending up realizing his full potential. I totally one hundred percent get that. We’re a little late in the game to wait to have a baby until his art career is lucrative enough to support our family. If that ever happens. The saying ‘starving artist’ isn’t just a cliché. It’s for reals. I know a ton of them. I’m surrounded by them. So is he going to resent me if we do go ahead with the baby and his art career doesn’t take off? Am I going to resent him for chasing his dream while I’m working 40 hr. weeks and missing out on our child’s childhood?

And then, there are others who say “you can’t over think this, just go for it and it will all work out.” Or, “you can’t plan for the future, you just do the best that you can.” All this is fine and good but is it the most responsible way to look at the choice to have a child? Even though, yeah, it would all likely turn out just fine. I think most of the world gets pregnant by surprise. But I also know that it makes it really tough. I know a hundred families who have/are struggled/struggling through unplanned children. Many relationships don’t survive. Dreams of art careers die. Mothers end up working through their children’s childhoods.

And so I’m right back to where I started, do I really want to have a baby or is my body simply following historical protocol by tricking me, telling me it’s time to procreate against all odds? Do the cons to having a baby outweigh the pros? The answers my head gives me are different than the ones my heart is giving me. I was a week late ‘starting’ this month and I was completely torn 50/50. One part of me was really really hoping that maybe I was *magically* pregnant (therefore releasing me from this huge decision) and the other part of me was scared and sad that I haven’t gotten my health taken care of and for all the other above mentioned reasons. And when I finally started? There was a part of me that was disappointed. I’m a freakin’ wreck.

Advice?

Discuss.

Love Hoodie Love

I always get such fascinating tidbits from one of my favorite blogs:

Lady Lavona's Cabinet of Curiosities (you'll find her in my sidebar of blogs that I follow)

And just look at what she's turned me onto now!

The designer's name is Lindsey Thornburg:

This woman has done what I've lusted over forever- a HOODIE CLOAK.

In three different lengths no less!!! The mid length is the cutest me thinks and I WANT I WANT I WANT ONE!!! Of course as she is a designer one can only purchase her things at boutiques and only in New York apparently.

So I did what any sensible (read: sewing & monetarily challenged) girl would do in this situation. I asked my grandma to make one for me.

Because, while I have every intention of one day learning how to sew I'm not kidding myself by thinking it will be any time real soon and I would desperately love to have one of these by Autumn!! We'll see what she says, my grandmother is a freakin' whiz at all types of sewing though she usually insists that she have a pattern to make it perfect.

I'll have to make sure I purchase my very own fabric though because while she can sew a sweater for the devil himself and make it adorable she has the WORST taste in fabric & colors. I keep telling her that while I appreciate all of the things she has knitted/sewn for me over the years that if she would just make everything BLACK it will be a winner for sure (read: no longer banished to totes in the storage unit). What was the very next thing I received? A pastel pink & mint green knitted throw. Bleck.

If I had to pick one color actually can't stand it would be pink. Pretty much everything she makes for me is some shade of pink. And since she is a bargain shopper to beat all she usually picks up her yarn/fabric out of the clearance bin so not only is it pink it's usually some insanely hideous shade of pink that no other human being wanted.

Oh, I hope I hope I hope she'll make it for me...I should look around online and see if I can find a pattern for this...

p.s. don't hate me for getting excited about Autumn already, I'm in the minority here, I know. At least Giggly is with me on this!

La Mer

I'm missing the ocean.

We went camping this weekend and I did get to float down a fantastically lazy river.....

Alas, all it did was make me miss the ocean even more.

I miss the sound of the waves, the vastness of the sea-as far as the eye can see, the cool salty spray, the plaintive cry of the gulls, the sound of my feet as they make their way across the sand....

I hope one day I will get to live near the sea~

Baby Brain

On the subject of my summer funk-

(Sorry for those of you who are tired of me musing about my quasi- depression)

I’ve been noticing that there is one thing on my mind an awful lot. I’ll give you a couple of hints:

They cry a lot.

They are irresistibly cute.

They must be fed, dressed, changed, molded and loved 24-7.

No, it’s not another husband…

Of course it’s babies.

And for those of you who know through blogging or from our personal relationship, we lost a baby a little over a year ago. What is strange to me is that while I’ve always loved babies and have been a babysitter/nanny off & on since before puberty I never thought I wanted to have my own kids. This sentiment carried on until I actually got pregnant and then I reassessed my reasoning and realized that I do want a baby, what I did not want was to be a shut-in mom like so many I had known before. (It’s such a long convoluted story and I think I already covered this in a subsequent post..)

Suffice to say, I’m on the baby train now. And what makes it even more appealing is that I am working a job that is not physically demanding, has amazing benefits with ample maternity leave. The hang up? We don’t want to have a baby and then immediately after the maternity leave is up ship it off to daycare. My mom has graciously offered to be our daycare when we do have a baby but it’s got to be when we are all finally living in the same state. Now, this is the plan, we are counting on it and working towards it but we are all at least a year off from moving. The husband and I are waiting for our company to relocate and give us our severance package before we move. My parents have had their house up for sale for nearly a year now trying to move....Who knows when this will all come together…

Everyone I see these days either has a newborn baby or is pregnant. My ovaries keep telling me “Just do it. Go for it. You’re ready now. Do it.”
And then my brain says, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve got to think this out and do it when the time is right. You can’t afford daycare, you don’t want to send your newborn baby to be raised by a stranger, you don’t know when the company is shutting down so get a grip on yourself sister!”

And so, in protest, my ovaries are staging a riot. They keep barraging my brain with thoughts of babies. Constantly. I find myself feeling resentful of others who do have babies. I feel like the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’, my heart feels very small and lumpy when I find myself being resentful of other people’s happiness. Especially about babies, I feel like some sort of monster.

I had heard about women like me, I certainly never thought I would be one. And yet here I am, getting weepy over cute baby clothes, scowling at pregnant women, talking myself into & out of getting pregnant right now….it’s all so messed up. I buy baby stuff if it’s super duper cute and really cheap. I’m convinced when I do have a baby it’s going to be a girl so if that’s not the case then someone better have one cause I’ve amassed a little pile….

And though I’ve kind of sort of talked to my mom & my man about all of this I feel so….embarrassed about it I just keep it to myself mainly. I really really want a baby but in order for that to happen right now everything needs to be drastically different. I find myself being snippy with my man and I wonder if I’m not feeling resentful on some deeper level that he’s not as ready as I am? He wants a baby too but he isn’t feeling the big push I am. He keeps telling me he’s got to get his career figured out first and get some financial stability before we get pregnant. Before we actually got pregnant he was the one who was excited for us to get pregnant. Is he scared we’ll lose another baby? How long does he think we have to do this? We’re getting older every day and the thought of having our child graduate high school right around our 80th birthdays is not appealing.

Is this all hormonal? Is this all just yet another cruel trick played out on us women? Are we helpless against the onslaught of our hormones and our conditioning? Is it cellular memory to want to have babies?

Shit, it’s just too damn hot today to continue to ruminate on such things…
Thanks for sticking in there with me as I sort through this mess~

Disconnect

I know what this feeling is.

I’ve figured it out.

There are peripherary reasons I’ve been depressed and cranky and then there is the core reason.

The peripherary reasons are that I do not function well in a mess. Our house is still full of boxes and the impending work and disorganization is driving me crazy.

Also, I’ve stopped exercising entirely. I went from working out every day, taking my vitamins and counting my calories to eating whatever I damn well please and not exercising at all. My old self-indulgent self is back.

The core reason I’m depressed is so familiar, I’m amazed I didn’t see it for what it is earlier. I’ve known this depression before, it’s being disconnected. I’m disconnected from my spiritual life, disconnected from my body, disconnected from my family, disconnected from my creative self, disconnected from friends. I’ve reverted to being a blob. I eat, work, sleep, watch movies and eat, work, sleep some more. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. Sometimes I feel like being human is the equivalent to trying to swim through mud. Why are we so dense? Why does it take so long for simple ideas to take root? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over?

Infinitely frustrating.

I’m digging myself back out of the hole I’ve recently realized I’ve buried myself in. I’ve got to get my spiritual foundation constructed. It’s absolutely essential. Any advice? Ideas? Do you or anyone you know have a steady, daily spiritual practice?

My homework for ‘class’ this Sunday is to construct a set of pagan prayer beads and come up with three possible mantras. I’ve also been set to the task of researching the use of prayer beads throughout the world religions. So far I’ve done my research and am interested to see nearly every world religion employs some sort of prayer beads. Must be good stuff. It’s a tool that just might be the best idea yet, I’ve got Swan to thank for that, she’s aces.

Crab People!

I've been really crabby lately.

Not sure why.

Is it the heat? Humidity? Summer always makes me kinda cranky, weird I know, but true.

Maybe it's the fact that my house still isn't put together after 3 weeks. I've done almost everything and decided to leave one room to my guy and here we are, weeks later and it's still barely even started. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose it and strangle him. But then I remember that I love him. Emotions are such complicated things. Oh, to be human.

Also, it seems like everyone is pregnant right now and that's really been bumming me out too. It's so super mega lame to feel that way, I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel slighted by it. I know, it's my own trip and I'm a horrible person but dammit, it's true. I can't tell anyone else except for you, blogger- you are my only friend. Okay, so that's not true but I can't admit that steamy little fact to anyone.

I guess I just want to run away from my life for awhile. I know everyone feels this way from time to time, makes me feel a little better.

Okay, enough belly-aching. I've got to pull myself together.

Parking Lot Kids

The biggest downfall to our new neighborhood is our neighbors.

Luckily we aren’t in a scary neighborhood like we have been previously; it’s just more economically depressed than our very last neighborhood. So while I’m not worried for my personal safety I am a little concerned about our house being broken into. But not much.

What worries me the most are the parking lot kids.

There is a whole herd of kids that live in our row of townhouses and they all seem to be raising themselves. I know its summer and school is out but the fact that I see these kids out in what is essentially a parking lot all day every day without any adults around seems crappy. Some of them are pretty young too; the youngest can’t be more than three years old. The older ones are too old to be wandering around with nothing constructive to do- that’s where vandalism and petty theft come a’knockin. Kids will figure out something to do and likely without a positive adult influence it’ll be something they know they aren’t supposed to do. Duh.

I had never seen any of the parents until this weekend. The youngest little girl I’d seen was talking to this woman who was on her way somewhere. I don’t mean to come off sounding like a prude but the outfit this woman was wearing was….scandalous to say the least. Everything God gave her to identify her as a woman was hanging out for the world to see. There was a man waiting for her in an Escalade with a boomin’ system. The woman is waving the little girl away as she’s reaching out for her and following her. The look on the woman's face tells me she’s irritated that the little girl wants her attention and she’s ready to go have fun with her man friend. It’s 85 degrees in the shade outside and she wants the little girl to just leave her alone and go back to sitting in the concrete parking lot, alone. The little girl finally turns around to start walking back towards the houses and I can see she is devastated. She’s crying so hard she can barely see where she is going. The lady stops for a second and watches her, finally I see her face soften a little bit and she walks over to the baby girl and pats her on the shoulder then turns back around and walks to the car and leaves. The little girl is sobbing. It’s so heartbreaking watching her, all alone, crying. How that woman could walk away without picking her up, holding her, drying her tears….I was even crying for heaven’s sake! I felt so bad for her, here I am, listening to music in the a/c, making delicious cookies, having a great time and there she is, all alone and crying out in the hot sun.

Throughout the day I see all of them, just wandering around, trying to amuse themselves. They don’t have any toys, only a couple of them have bikes, absolutely nothing to do but be invisible. I don’t even know if there are actually adults home or not. I’m not sure if they are sitting inside watching t.v. or at work or hangin’ at the bar with their friends or sitting inside getting high…who the hell knows. I don’t really know what to do.

I keep thinking about calling child protection services. But is that the right call? I don’t know that taking them away from whatever parent situation they have is right, what is waiting for them after that? Foster homes? Putting a child in the system at such a young age….I just don’t know if that is the right call. I don't want to turn a blind eye and be another person who lets them slip through the cracks. I also don't want to take away what little security they have and send them into a foster care world that I have serious reservations about. I guess what I’ve decided is that I am going to call child protection services and just see what happens when someone reports someone else. Anonymously of course. I don't want any of that action knocking on my front door. I don’t know a thing about how the system works and educating myself firstly would probably be the best way to go about it.

A whole generation of inner city kids are raising themselves. And we all watch the news and look at the crime in our neighborhoods and wonder how it all go so messed up. Parking lot kids. It just breaks my heart.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I apologize for my long absence, we haven’t had internet for nearly a month now and likely won’t have it for a couple of weeks more. I am able to get online where I work but have been….trepidatious about posting here. Everything we access online while at work can be monitored, whether or not it actually is- hard to say. Paranoia has gotten me pretty far in life without too many slip-ups so I’m always inclined towards the paranoid.

It’s been so long since I posted though and I’ve been itching to get back to it so I’m just going for it. I don’t have much on the Wicca front to speak of- which is initially why I shied away from writing (before the move and loss of internet.) I had all of these big plans for how organized and efficient I was going to be in the new house. A lot of those plans included my revamped study/practice regime for my Wiccan studies.

So far we are still wading through boxes. What we have gotten done I am very happy with- we’ve been pretty on top of figuring out ways to maximize the space we now have versus the lack of shelving/storage. It’s nice to be in a town-home again as opposed to the one bedroom apartment. Our other place was very cozy and it was nice to have it just be the two of us but luckily we’ve got a wonderful roommate who is easy to live with and a very close friend so all’s well.

Our actual place is pretty nice, there was quite a bit that needed to be done with it upon moving in, every one of the sinks were leaking, there was little to no cleaning done by the previous tenants upon move-out and we’ve got far too much stuff for the space but all of these things have been being worked out.

One thing I’ve been loving is our kitchen.

It’s much bigger than our last kitchen and I’m finally able to have all of our appliances within reach (even though I’m still not able to have them all in the actual kitchen…sigh). I’m getting ready to launch my big cooking/juicing campaign. The farmer’s markets are getting into full swing again and just in time too cause my scale tells me I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost before the wedding. BOOO, HISSS!! We’ve got to recommit to eating right (and not eating out for nearly every meal) as well as working out. We dropped the gym membership to save some money and so it’s up to me to figure out a home work out plan that does the trick.

So, very little actual info here, just a big long rambling post about being in transition. I’m so ready to get cooking, painting, crafting, studying, all of it. But it looks like I must be patient a little longer.

Body Electric

Now that one project has finished it is time to begin another~

My new projects are ambitious but then again so was the wedding and the self transformation boot camp I put myself through. And while I'm not done with working out and changing my eating I'm taking a little different approach. I've started reading more about organics and sustainable farming. I'm teaching myself how to shop and how to cook differently. I even bought a juicer! I've got a fast/detox looming on the horizon. I've got to learn how to eat and cook properly before baby!

My studies have sadly fallen by the wayside of late with Swan. I'm meeting her later this month...it bums me out we've stalled and I've got to do something about it. Step it up. Remember daily spiritual practice? Remember your dedication vows? Arg.

Oh, and aside from moving (again) I'm starting to prep for an art show in August. I've got big aspirations, we'll see. Finishing artwork is not something I'm familiar with...

Okay, my break is over, back to painting, just wanted to pop in....

oh well

i was almost a mother.

mother's day still makes me just a little sad.

i wonder if my friends and family remember my almost motherhood today?

oh well.

sigh

peek-a-boo

i'm not gone, just on sabbatical.

i'm cooking up some new projects, a new regime now that the wedding regime has ended.

stay tuned.

Takin' Some Time

I keep telling myself I've got far far too many other things I should be doing instead of writing on this blog but y'know what? I never write anymore. Not just here, but anywhere. No journaling. No poetry. No fiction. It sucks. And frankly I don't feel up to writing anywhere else so I'm going to do a little rambling here.

Bear with me as I muse about weddings.

I'm getting married in April. Pretty soon huh? Don't I know it.

Early on people (firstly my mom of course) told me to "be careful, weddings take on a life of their own, don't let this one become a beast!" I scoffed. (Yeah, I'm a scoffer ;)

Foolishly I thought, "not me, not my wedding. I'm going to keep it simple and under control."

Riiiiiiiggght.

The problem has not been outside pressure or an urge to please others, no disagreements between my fiance and myself. My problem is simply.....me. At first I was going super duper simple. No favors. No chair covers/sashes. I'll take the cake they offer for free and not really care what it looks like. On and on.

As time wore on I became increasingly inspired. Doesn't sound like a bad thing but trust me when I say inspired (for me) is anything but simple. I became obsessed with the centerpieces. The only decoration we are doing is the tables. We aren't doing any special lighting, no big floral arrangements, just tables. So in my mind they needed to be utterly spectacular tables. How to create spectacular tables on a very tight budget? That was my mission. Well, the one thing that didn't change in the end is that we aren't hanging any special decorative lighting and we still aren't doing any big floral arrangements.

We are however not taking their cake, I saw pictures and it's just poop. I was shocked at how bad it looked, really. Anywho, we found a great lady who is going to make us a fabulous cake. A cake I still have to desing... We scored free chair covers out of the deal since the cake was part of the package price we traded it for nice white chair covers. I saw their chairs. Lame. They are a dark maroon color when the drapes and color palette is all dark green and cream. Weird. Our wedding colors are a bright chartreuse green & crisp white. (Incidentally those are the colors of my dress as well, ;~)

I went around and around with myself on the tables looking for just the right thing to spark THE VISION. I wish I had a meter on the Internet at work & home so I could see just how many hours I scoured the web. There is a staggering amount of shit on the web that is related to weddings. It's no shit that it is a 40-70 BILLION dollar a year industry. Numbers are shaky hence the huge gap but there are so many independent people who own shops or work out of their homes that do not contribute to the statistics that it's hard to get an accurate account. It's reported that the average wedding in the U.S. costs $28,000.00.

Hard to believe. The only person I know that even comes close to that number is someone I work with who said her wedding came in at about $25,000.00. Not including the honeymoon. Most people I know don't even come remotely close to that number but I don't doubt that it's possible.

Selling fairy tales is a big business. Selling status is an even bigger one.

I worked some weddings at the country club I used to slave for that were re-dic-ulous. Waaay over the top. Whateva. It's not my thing but don't get the idea that I look down on others who do it that way, to each their own. I would rather spend my money on stuff to do while I'm there.

It looks like I'm actually going to make my predicted budget of $5-6,000.00 . It is a destination wedding, so of course it's going to be a little spendy. But that's why we waited so long so that we could be in a position to do it the way we always dreamed. Tropical. Vacation with all of our close friends and family. Oh yeah.

Okay, so I should quit crying but this really has turned into such a fiasco. Ultimately the tables are going to be a vision. I've received most of the stuff that will be going on the tables and it's all divine. I'll post pics of the reception, promise.

I had a moment of divine inspiration for the tables. It was weird, it came to me in a flash and it was completely perfect, completely me, completely unique. Somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't really want a simple no frills wedding because in the end what I am doing is throwing a party for myself, for him and for all of our friends and family and dammit, I'm going to show them how it's done! (he he he) I've always enjoyed throwing people birthday parties, being the hostess is a tough job but pretty damn fun too. And because I did log in all those hours I was able to get some pretty sweet deals on everything. I haven't paid full price for anything yet except my dress, his clothes and the flowers.

That said, I'm so tired of planning. I just want the fun part to start already. I can't imagine those brave souls that have hundreds of guests. I've got 30 and it's a bit much. Then again, the most stressful part has been handling every one's lodging for the week. Asking people for $$$$ is never fun. Having to demand it because they won't adhere to deadlines is double not fun.

Soon it will all be worth it. I just keep looking at the pictures I've got in my head.

Oh, and I'm two sizes smaller now thanks to spending half my life at the gym. It's worth it though, there's just no freakin' short cuts to getting slim and feeling better. Damn it. It's true.

On a side note:
Anyone down with Poetry Daily? There is some inspired work on this site.
http://poems.com/

How 'bout Verse Daily?
http://www.versedaily.org/index.shtml

That's my little poetry nudge.

~Peace out~


~Blessings~

musing....

All of a sudden I find that I've finally got some time to myself.

It is so rare that I have time alone. For one we live in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment and the other is that I work with my fiance. Every errand, everything we usually do together. One might find it ironic that I am reveling in being alone on Valentine's Day but I guess I'm cool with it because besides loving him, I love myself too.

Plus, I give him far more loving attention than I do myself. I work out nearly every day now which I feel like is giving myself love....a, uh...strict sort of love...but it's for my well being after all. That's really about it.

So I laid in bed and read this morning. Glorious. A good day starts with being able to rejoice in the silky smoothness of being in bed. It's my favorite piece of furniture.

Now what?

A Long Time Coming (home)

One year. One day.

I'm a student again (formally) and I am so excited and so proud. I can honestly say I am proud of myself for making this happen. Or maybe I should say for allowing it to happen. I know for sure that the path to Witchcraft was paved by the Goddess and God. Too many things all came together in the right sequence to see it any other way. Amazingly I was smart enough and determined to take all the right steps. Steps home.

This whole experience has given me irrefutable belief that reincarnation exists. Sure I've been working on getting here my whole life with every experience and all of the soul searching I've done. Yet as I learn 'new' things I realize that while I know I haven't come across it previously I totally understand it and know right away if it is something I personally believe. I haven't told Swan this, she might think I'm being arrogant. The facts & details of the above mentioned things isn't necessarily clear but I recognize ideas/philosophies instantly some times, more often it happens over a period of a few hours. I don't know, I'm not very good at explaining it I think...

Swan is the most amazing mentor ever. She is everything I could wish for in a teacher. She is one of the only people I've ever felt is truly genuine. She truly lives as she believes. I know she isn't necessarily perfect but I gotta tell you she seems pretty perfect to me so far. And the most impressive thing is that it has been a work in progress. She has struggled but in the end she was able to consciously change herself into the person she wanted to be. Her sincere self. Genuine self. With her will and her own personal power she has sculpted her life. She embodies the word Witch.

This is a truly transformative path I am walking, walking for exactly a year and a day.


Then I'll run.