There's so much going on these days I can hardly keep up with myself!
Life gets busy and I stop blogging...
I met with the new group that I'm looking to study with and had some tea. We talked, and talked, and talked-well, mostly I talked which is really strange for me. It's a rare thing when I am with someone who I feel I can speak with freely. Most especially on the subject of spirituality and other such things. I can b.s. with just about anyone on 'every day' topics but I find it's best to keep silent on a majority of things I want to say. I didn't used to care about being inflammatory, and it's not as though I worry about what others think of me now it's that I have realized one doesn't have to shout from the rooftops to validate themselves to others. I am who I am and while that seems to be left of center I'll just keep that as a tasty little treat for 'others' to discover with time as opposed to slapping them in the face with it.
I've been having a hard time finding time to squeeze in my spiritual practice. I've been meaning to start meditating every morning & exercising again as well. This last week I was lucky if I got up & to work on time. I'm naturally a night person and my job definitely caters to that proclivity.
A good chunk of the things on my to-do list have been taken care of these last couple of weeks tho so it should be a little easier to get going on that front.
I will be starting a week long fast on monday per orders from my holistic doctor. I had a series of tests done and he has determined that my blood sugar is to blame for all of my health woes. According to the tests I'm very nearly diabetic. My body does not process sugar correctly thus the insane weight gain, low energy, headaches, joint aches, skin problems, and a myriad of other things. So, we are going to start taking some steps to get me put right. Firstly I have to start losing weight and exercising. Those two things just so happen to be my first priority as well. I found that this week while I've been 'gearing up' for this fast I've been drawn to indulging in my favorite foods because this is the 'last time' I'll be able to have them. Damn. I'm a food junkie. I love pasta! Oh well, I like my health more...(says the girl who is getting ready to exist on what is loosely called a smoothie but in reality is flavored powder in water for an entire week.)
Wish me luck.
photo source unknown
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Shadow time
During the full moon esbat on Saturday night we were called to reflect upon our shadow selves. 'Tis the season for self reflection!
I know for some this can be a hugely difficult task, for myself, I've been communing with my shadow self since I was a child. While I've always known her and acknowledged her I have only recently come to understand and accept her role in my life and my spiritual advancement. I never had a context to put this shadow self into, never known why she existed or appreciated how knowing her has helped me to be self aware. Growing up I thought there was something wrong with me, this darker self, this shadow aspect seemed 'bad' in the Christian context. I fought her thinking that if I could kill off the darker aspects of myself than I would be enlightened, without blemish, clean & pure.
Thanks again Christianity.
Now that I understand what function my shadow self serves I am able to trust & accept her and integrate the knowledge that she offers more readily. There is duality in all aspects of nature, if we could but appreciate that there is no light without darkness I think we would all be a little more compassionate towards ourselves and the world as a whole.
Listening and learning, what a concept huh? I'm getting it, bit by bit.
In other news, I made it in to the local herbatorium (my term, I like the way it sounds...) and purchased some herbs for a gift I am making my new niece. I am sewing her a decorative pillow for her crib, it's in the shape of a star and will contain red roses, lavender, clove & frankincense in a satchel tucked in the middle. I plan on blessing the herbs and sealing them with a prayer for her health, happiness & protection. This is the first time I've done anything like this so I hope it goes well, we'll see!
I know for some this can be a hugely difficult task, for myself, I've been communing with my shadow self since I was a child. While I've always known her and acknowledged her I have only recently come to understand and accept her role in my life and my spiritual advancement. I never had a context to put this shadow self into, never known why she existed or appreciated how knowing her has helped me to be self aware. Growing up I thought there was something wrong with me, this darker self, this shadow aspect seemed 'bad' in the Christian context. I fought her thinking that if I could kill off the darker aspects of myself than I would be enlightened, without blemish, clean & pure.
Thanks again Christianity.
Now that I understand what function my shadow self serves I am able to trust & accept her and integrate the knowledge that she offers more readily. There is duality in all aspects of nature, if we could but appreciate that there is no light without darkness I think we would all be a little more compassionate towards ourselves and the world as a whole.
Listening and learning, what a concept huh? I'm getting it, bit by bit.
In other news, I made it in to the local herbatorium (my term, I like the way it sounds...) and purchased some herbs for a gift I am making my new niece. I am sewing her a decorative pillow for her crib, it's in the shape of a star and will contain red roses, lavender, clove & frankincense in a satchel tucked in the middle. I plan on blessing the herbs and sealing them with a prayer for her health, happiness & protection. This is the first time I've done anything like this so I hope it goes well, we'll see!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Can you feel it in the air at night?
"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
George Eliot
Wise words Mr. Eliot, I would have to agree.
Though it is still very hot & humid here I have noticed that the nights are a little cooler. Really what has got me excited is that August is half over and I just know that we are getting closer and closer to Autumn. I have to say I was taken by surprise when I realized that summer is nearly over.
This particular summer has sped by, especially compared to last summer which I thought would never go away. We haven't had nearly as many days of scorching hotness as we did last summer also which is a big bonus. When I look back on last summer I am really able to feel that we are in a better place. Better location wise, employment wise, mentally, artistically, motivationally, spiritually, it's all on the up up and away train.
I never really realized what the Autumn season signals to others, I never thought of it as being a beacon to my (previously undiscovered Witch family) all the world over. With the recent turning towards Autumn I have come across a couple of testimonials to the connection between Autumn and Witches. The following text is written by Victoria David Danann for Seasons in Avalon School of Witch Arts. The excerpt pertains to what I speak of, the rest of the essay is extremely important and should be read in it's entirety at: http://witch-school.com/CallToHealing.html
"Sometime in my early thirties, to the best of my recollection, I glanced out the window and did a double-take as I felt a surge of inexplicable delight. Something had changed in a way I perceived as "overnight". The shadows were cast differently somehow. The sunlight seemed softer, as if a filter had been installed between Earth and Sun. Even the dance of the tree leaves had changed.
I began to look forward to that one day every year -- the day when I would casually glance out a window and feel a rush that said, "Fall!" I always knew I loved Fall. I didn't always know that it's partly because of my calling and predisposition as Witch. Fall marks the beginning of what I call Magick Season; the time, between Samhain and Yule, when Witchcraft renders the greatest satisfaction and the greatest rewards."
It's funny, as I was writing my lovely friend Giggly all about how much I love this time of the year I received a letter from her in turn saying the very same things.
I am in such a happy place right now, even though money continues to be an issue and there are always oh so many things to do I can't help but feel positive and excited for the future. Such a welcome change.
As the days & nights grow cooler I feel more alive, more myself, exhilarated, ready
"The hazy, cloudless skies of Indian Summer.
Leaves scurrying down the street before the wind.
The cold shiver from an arctic blast. Indian Summer.
The last warmth of the sun.
Chilly mornings and glorious warm afternoons. The Harvest Moon. The Hunter's Moon.
Dry corn stalks clattering in the wind.
The touch of frost on grass and window pane.
The smell of burning leaves."
Keith C. Heidorn
George Eliot
Wise words Mr. Eliot, I would have to agree.
Though it is still very hot & humid here I have noticed that the nights are a little cooler. Really what has got me excited is that August is half over and I just know that we are getting closer and closer to Autumn. I have to say I was taken by surprise when I realized that summer is nearly over.
This particular summer has sped by, especially compared to last summer which I thought would never go away. We haven't had nearly as many days of scorching hotness as we did last summer also which is a big bonus. When I look back on last summer I am really able to feel that we are in a better place. Better location wise, employment wise, mentally, artistically, motivationally, spiritually, it's all on the up up and away train.
I never really realized what the Autumn season signals to others, I never thought of it as being a beacon to my (previously undiscovered Witch family) all the world over. With the recent turning towards Autumn I have come across a couple of testimonials to the connection between Autumn and Witches. The following text is written by Victoria David Danann for Seasons in Avalon School of Witch Arts. The excerpt pertains to what I speak of, the rest of the essay is extremely important and should be read in it's entirety at: http://witch-school.com/CallToHealing.html
"Sometime in my early thirties, to the best of my recollection, I glanced out the window and did a double-take as I felt a surge of inexplicable delight. Something had changed in a way I perceived as "overnight". The shadows were cast differently somehow. The sunlight seemed softer, as if a filter had been installed between Earth and Sun. Even the dance of the tree leaves had changed.
I began to look forward to that one day every year -- the day when I would casually glance out a window and feel a rush that said, "Fall!" I always knew I loved Fall. I didn't always know that it's partly because of my calling and predisposition as Witch. Fall marks the beginning of what I call Magick Season; the time, between Samhain and Yule, when Witchcraft renders the greatest satisfaction and the greatest rewards."
It's funny, as I was writing my lovely friend Giggly all about how much I love this time of the year I received a letter from her in turn saying the very same things.
I am in such a happy place right now, even though money continues to be an issue and there are always oh so many things to do I can't help but feel positive and excited for the future. Such a welcome change.
As the days & nights grow cooler I feel more alive, more myself, exhilarated, ready
"The hazy, cloudless skies of Indian Summer.
Leaves scurrying down the street before the wind.
The cold shiver from an arctic blast. Indian Summer.
The last warmth of the sun.
Chilly mornings and glorious warm afternoons. The Harvest Moon. The Hunter's Moon.
Dry corn stalks clattering in the wind.
The touch of frost on grass and window pane.
The smell of burning leaves."
Keith C. Heidorn
Monday, August 4, 2008
A new day
Well, though I may have fallen off the wagon.....BIG TIME....I am not quitting like I have in the past. I have launched many many health campaigns in my time and not followed through on any of them. I haven't gotten as far as I have this time before either. It looks as though my schedule is going to be stable now and is far more conducive to working out and eating healthy than practically any before. I don't have to be to work until after noon so there is plenty time to get to the gym and get a work out & shower in plus a healthy breakfast & lunch before I head to work.
I have to commit now because I bought shoes! I finally splurged and bought myself some really nice athletic shoes. I used a coupon but still they were more than I like to spend on such things. I'm not a tennis shoe wearin' kind of gal in my day to day existence so while I need actual everyday shoes I was hesitant to go with the athletic shoes instead.
I have a pitiful shoe collection as far as most women are concerned. Most of my shoes are for special activities, I have hiking boots, steel toe work boots, insulated steel toe work boots, Doc Marten pole climbers (boots that go up to my knees), two pairs of shoes that have holes in them with cracked soles, two old pairs of Doc Marten boots that I wore for over ten years and are retired but I can't bring myself to throw out, three pairs of platforms that are my only dress shoes, a pair of Adidas tennis shoes and that's it. Pretty pitiful. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit though so I usually get discouraged, it's akin to bra or swimming suit shopping for me. How did I get on the subject of my shoe collection? Bah, I'm rambling....
Anyway, I'm going to start going to the gym again dammit. I've now got less than a year before my wedding, time is ticking. Speaking of which can you believe it's August already? All of the back to school ads have been throwing me. Is fall really right around the corner? Wow.
I have to commit now because I bought shoes! I finally splurged and bought myself some really nice athletic shoes. I used a coupon but still they were more than I like to spend on such things. I'm not a tennis shoe wearin' kind of gal in my day to day existence so while I need actual everyday shoes I was hesitant to go with the athletic shoes instead.
I have a pitiful shoe collection as far as most women are concerned. Most of my shoes are for special activities, I have hiking boots, steel toe work boots, insulated steel toe work boots, Doc Marten pole climbers (boots that go up to my knees), two pairs of shoes that have holes in them with cracked soles, two old pairs of Doc Marten boots that I wore for over ten years and are retired but I can't bring myself to throw out, three pairs of platforms that are my only dress shoes, a pair of Adidas tennis shoes and that's it. Pretty pitiful. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit though so I usually get discouraged, it's akin to bra or swimming suit shopping for me. How did I get on the subject of my shoe collection? Bah, I'm rambling....
Anyway, I'm going to start going to the gym again dammit. I've now got less than a year before my wedding, time is ticking. Speaking of which can you believe it's August already? All of the back to school ads have been throwing me. Is fall really right around the corner? Wow.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Hey, where did everybody go?
I miss having friends.
This is a slightly hypocritical remark on my part due to the fact that I find myself too busy or rather....preoccupied most of the time to put in the work to maintain an active friendship with anyone around here. It takes a lot for me to take a relationship from casual acquaintance to close friend, to someone who I feel comfortable calling up to go to the movies, have a drink or come over for a chat.
I'm guilty of not feeling up to the challenge of going through the paces with someone new. I want instant close friends, like the washcloths that are shrunk down in cute shapes and expand into sponges or washcloths when dropped in water.
I haven't really had much luck meeting people living here the last few years, in the past when I would be alone for the whole summer I would get brave and hunt for friends. This led me to craigslist.
Yeah, that's right.
I made friend dates with people off of the casual acquaintance section of craigslist. It made for some fun, wild, weird stories but ultimately didn't lead to any long term acquaintances. I don't regret a single one of them, well....except for one guy who was....strange. He looked like an adult size leprechaun but add scary sharp teeth...he was very needy & self obsessed. He seemed to have a whirlwind of drama about him at all times. He would have liked to be bosom buddies but I don't do drama. Especially when I'm just getting to know someone and all they want to talk about ALL THE TIME is their conversations with other people whom I don't know. If you can't take a pause and ask me a question....any question...or involve me in the conversation on any level then I'm out.
This weekend I would have liked to have had a friend. A real true friend. I felt like going out and having some fun for a change of pace, normally I'm not much for going out really. I was really wanting to go out and have a few drinks, wander around down town....something. I called everyone I knew, even those who I don't much care for....no one answered or was able to go out.
Boo hoo.
It was Llamas this Saturday but I didn't go. I've been feeling a little out of sorts about the coven and wanted to make a little space between us. I won't spell out the drama but suffice to say I don't think they are the group for me. I believe I have found an alternate coven to do my year & a day studies with, hopefully that works out.
Well, my man gets home tomorrow and I'm ready. At first it wasn't so bad but now that I've got a case of the lonelies it'll be nice to have him back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?
This is a slightly hypocritical remark on my part due to the fact that I find myself too busy or rather....preoccupied most of the time to put in the work to maintain an active friendship with anyone around here. It takes a lot for me to take a relationship from casual acquaintance to close friend, to someone who I feel comfortable calling up to go to the movies, have a drink or come over for a chat.
I'm guilty of not feeling up to the challenge of going through the paces with someone new. I want instant close friends, like the washcloths that are shrunk down in cute shapes and expand into sponges or washcloths when dropped in water.
I haven't really had much luck meeting people living here the last few years, in the past when I would be alone for the whole summer I would get brave and hunt for friends. This led me to craigslist.
Yeah, that's right.
I made friend dates with people off of the casual acquaintance section of craigslist. It made for some fun, wild, weird stories but ultimately didn't lead to any long term acquaintances. I don't regret a single one of them, well....except for one guy who was....strange. He looked like an adult size leprechaun but add scary sharp teeth...he was very needy & self obsessed. He seemed to have a whirlwind of drama about him at all times. He would have liked to be bosom buddies but I don't do drama. Especially when I'm just getting to know someone and all they want to talk about ALL THE TIME is their conversations with other people whom I don't know. If you can't take a pause and ask me a question....any question...or involve me in the conversation on any level then I'm out.
This weekend I would have liked to have had a friend. A real true friend. I felt like going out and having some fun for a change of pace, normally I'm not much for going out really. I was really wanting to go out and have a few drinks, wander around down town....something. I called everyone I knew, even those who I don't much care for....no one answered or was able to go out.
Boo hoo.
It was Llamas this Saturday but I didn't go. I've been feeling a little out of sorts about the coven and wanted to make a little space between us. I won't spell out the drama but suffice to say I don't think they are the group for me. I believe I have found an alternate coven to do my year & a day studies with, hopefully that works out.
Well, my man gets home tomorrow and I'm ready. At first it wasn't so bad but now that I've got a case of the lonelies it'll be nice to have him back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
"You aint got to lie Craig!"
If you know what movie the title is a quote from you too might, just might be a stoner too.
I am, these days, a non smoking stoner.
I think that's part of my problem. I don't do anything to relieve stress lately. Not that smoking the bubonic chronic is the best way to deal with your stress but now and again? Yep. It's just what the doctor ordered.
I have had to quit in order to comply with an impending drug test for my new job. At first I wasn't that bummed cause I'd been laying off for quite some time before I knew I had to give it up for a bit. I haven't been a true blue stoner for years but.........I do likes me some tweeds from time to time. And right now. RIGHT NOW is one of those times. Damn.
I'm practically twitching here.....
I am, these days, a non smoking stoner.
I think that's part of my problem. I don't do anything to relieve stress lately. Not that smoking the bubonic chronic is the best way to deal with your stress but now and again? Yep. It's just what the doctor ordered.
I have had to quit in order to comply with an impending drug test for my new job. At first I wasn't that bummed cause I'd been laying off for quite some time before I knew I had to give it up for a bit. I haven't been a true blue stoner for years but.........I do likes me some tweeds from time to time. And right now. RIGHT NOW is one of those times. Damn.
I'm practically twitching here.....
Calgon, take me away!
Arg.
What a week. It's only Wednesday and I'm saying this.....not good.
Sometimes all that gets me through a day without totally wiggin' out is just telling myself over and over and over again-
THIS IS THE DREAM. THIS IS NOT 'REALITY'.
I'm trying to be zen, really I am.
What a week. It's only Wednesday and I'm saying this.....not good.
Sometimes all that gets me through a day without totally wiggin' out is just telling myself over and over and over again-
THIS IS THE DREAM. THIS IS NOT 'REALITY'.
I'm trying to be zen, really I am.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Dear Cat
Dear cat,
Why do you insist on scooping your food out of the lovely (and probably too expensive) bowl that I have provided for you to eat off of the floor? Your manners are atrocious. I respectfully petition you to consider eating over your bowl like a civilized cat. You know I am not fond of cleaning up others messes, I tell you this all the time while I do the dishes (again and again and again.) Please consider my request and endeavour to develop some manners.
Your loving 'mother',
M.
P.S.
I sweep up all of the chunks you leave on the floor and deposit them back into your bowl, you end up eating them anyway so, ha!
Why do you insist on scooping your food out of the lovely (and probably too expensive) bowl that I have provided for you to eat off of the floor? Your manners are atrocious. I respectfully petition you to consider eating over your bowl like a civilized cat. You know I am not fond of cleaning up others messes, I tell you this all the time while I do the dishes (again and again and again.) Please consider my request and endeavour to develop some manners.
Your loving 'mother',
M.
P.S.
I sweep up all of the chunks you leave on the floor and deposit them back into your bowl, you end up eating them anyway so, ha!
Full Moon Fever
Well, while I was inside the covenstead enjoying one of the most fabulous full moon esbats ever someone else was driving around wild with full moon fever (or booze, or on their cell phone, or had poked their eye out, the possibilities are endless I suppose..) and crashed into my truck.
Hit and run.
There were a couple of witnesses but alas they were about 12 years old and didn't think to get the license plate number. They were able to describe the woman and her vehicle to the responding officer though and happened to mention that they had seen that car before in the neighborhood and believe that she lives around there. Hopefully this will yield results.
Bummer.
Luckily it's only cosmetic and it's still drivable. I just hope that she gets caught and I don't have to pay my deductible to get it fixed. I've got some figuring to do....
They said that her car was so badly damaged that she was having a hard time driving away from the scene of the accident so that fact makes me think maybe she was drunk. In any case it's a much much worse idea to run from something like that than to just own up to it right away. Karmically and in the eyes of the law as well.
Everything we do, positive or negative, comes back to us.
I'm no saint so I can't put all of this on her. I just hope we are able to resolve this without me having to figure out where in the world I'm going to come up with a deductible.
Blah.
More money worries. Like there isn't enough of those crowding my brain.
In other words, my man and I had a wonderful time together last night. It seems like we don't really see each other much these days with the shifts we are working and him getting his portfolio ready for review. He draws all night while I have to go to sleep so I can get up early and I have been spending a lot of time at the covenstead on the weekends to give him time to draw. He leaves this Wednesday for nearly two weeks. I'm so jealous. I am glad that I have a good job that is quite challenging at the moment to distract me and a TON of stuff going on with the coven. And when I'm not doing that I have a bunch of homework for our next pre-dedicant class to work through. And, of course, I suppose I could continue to endeavor to FINALLY finish a painting for a change of pace.
I'll miss him all the same. The silence of an empty apartment is different when the other person is in a different room than when they are gone altogether. But hey, this is the first summer we haven't had to be separated for the entire summer in years. For the past three years he would leave state to work for the whole summer and I would be stuck here in the humidity and sweltering heat. Just the cat and I sweatin' it out. So I am grateful that he has a good enough job that he doesn't have to do that anymore and we can spend the summer together just being in love and-hopefully- planning the wedding.
Ups and downs~
Such is life
Oh, P.S.
The movie 'The Tiger in the Snow' is wonderful. It's sweet, it's funny, it's a rare treat in this era of plastic Hollywood bullshit, it's foreign so go figure.
Hit and run.
There were a couple of witnesses but alas they were about 12 years old and didn't think to get the license plate number. They were able to describe the woman and her vehicle to the responding officer though and happened to mention that they had seen that car before in the neighborhood and believe that she lives around there. Hopefully this will yield results.
Bummer.
Luckily it's only cosmetic and it's still drivable. I just hope that she gets caught and I don't have to pay my deductible to get it fixed. I've got some figuring to do....
They said that her car was so badly damaged that she was having a hard time driving away from the scene of the accident so that fact makes me think maybe she was drunk. In any case it's a much much worse idea to run from something like that than to just own up to it right away. Karmically and in the eyes of the law as well.
Everything we do, positive or negative, comes back to us.
I'm no saint so I can't put all of this on her. I just hope we are able to resolve this without me having to figure out where in the world I'm going to come up with a deductible.
Blah.
More money worries. Like there isn't enough of those crowding my brain.
In other words, my man and I had a wonderful time together last night. It seems like we don't really see each other much these days with the shifts we are working and him getting his portfolio ready for review. He draws all night while I have to go to sleep so I can get up early and I have been spending a lot of time at the covenstead on the weekends to give him time to draw. He leaves this Wednesday for nearly two weeks. I'm so jealous. I am glad that I have a good job that is quite challenging at the moment to distract me and a TON of stuff going on with the coven. And when I'm not doing that I have a bunch of homework for our next pre-dedicant class to work through. And, of course, I suppose I could continue to endeavor to FINALLY finish a painting for a change of pace.
I'll miss him all the same. The silence of an empty apartment is different when the other person is in a different room than when they are gone altogether. But hey, this is the first summer we haven't had to be separated for the entire summer in years. For the past three years he would leave state to work for the whole summer and I would be stuck here in the humidity and sweltering heat. Just the cat and I sweatin' it out. So I am grateful that he has a good enough job that he doesn't have to do that anymore and we can spend the summer together just being in love and-hopefully- planning the wedding.
Ups and downs~
Such is life
Oh, P.S.
The movie 'The Tiger in the Snow' is wonderful. It's sweet, it's funny, it's a rare treat in this era of plastic Hollywood bullshit, it's foreign so go figure.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Mother Moon
Getting out of the movies this....morning? That doesn't sound right but we went to a midnight show of Batman and didn't get out till 2:30am, I was struck by the moon. All of my thoughts of the movie and some friend drama were pushed aside and I was awestruck.
Seriously in awe.
It was so full, so bright. I felt her presence, I knew that she saw me. I felt changed by her gaze.
Tonight I gather with my coven sisters (and uno brother) to celebrate the full moon. We ask that
"Goddess of opportunity
Bring good things in life to me
I'll be alert to all that you send
For myself and for my friend"
These days I am wearied in my heart, my body and my soul by the fear and greed in the world. I must strive to remember Mother Moon and the feeling of peace and awe that she inspires within me.
I know that the veil of mysteries is thick, it was thin once but humans clouded it, I'll make my way there.
I just have to remember and imagine all at once.
Seriously in awe.
It was so full, so bright. I felt her presence, I knew that she saw me. I felt changed by her gaze.
Tonight I gather with my coven sisters (and uno brother) to celebrate the full moon. We ask that
"Goddess of opportunity
Bring good things in life to me
I'll be alert to all that you send
For myself and for my friend"
These days I am wearied in my heart, my body and my soul by the fear and greed in the world. I must strive to remember Mother Moon and the feeling of peace and awe that she inspires within me.
I know that the veil of mysteries is thick, it was thin once but humans clouded it, I'll make my way there.
I just have to remember and imagine all at once.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Blah blah
Diet.
What an ominous word.
It haunts me.
I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.
There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.
I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.
Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.
My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....
I seem to have no willpower. No self control.
I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.
I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!
I've got to get myself under control.
What an ominous word.
It haunts me.
I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.
There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.
I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.
Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.
My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....
I seem to have no willpower. No self control.
I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.
I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!
I've got to get myself under control.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sick Day
I took a sick day today.
I've been having a weird stomach ache and haven't been getting my requisite amount of sleep. I can't wait until the training period is over for my new job so I can get on my actual shift instead of this torturous morning shift. I am just no damn good in the morning.
Sick day has been spent painting (insert smile) and replying to pen pal requests! I registered with a site called allpenpals.com. I haven't had many responses but there have been a couple. The one I'm the most excited about though came to me thru my blog! I didn't even know if anyone aside from my two faithful blogger friends even read this. But to my great surprise my new friend popped up in response to my last post. Now we've exchanged our info and I do believe we're going to start corresponding! In fact I'm cookin' up a little somethin' somethin' for her today.
This Saturday is a full moon ritual and I'm excited. I love full moon rituals. Last weekend was my first pre dedicant class and while it was pretty informal I just enjoy being in that space learning about herbs, gems, deities, tarot cards, mythology.... I can't wait to start my formal year and a day training. This has been such a glorious feeling finally getting involved in my spiritual studies again. (I know I keep saying that...I'll quit soon I promise)
For next class we have to read 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz. I'm excited, my mom read it a long time ago and had told me about it but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.
The quote for the day is;
~When the power of love outweighs the love of power the world shall know peace~
Blessed be~
I've been having a weird stomach ache and haven't been getting my requisite amount of sleep. I can't wait until the training period is over for my new job so I can get on my actual shift instead of this torturous morning shift. I am just no damn good in the morning.
Sick day has been spent painting (insert smile) and replying to pen pal requests! I registered with a site called allpenpals.com. I haven't had many responses but there have been a couple. The one I'm the most excited about though came to me thru my blog! I didn't even know if anyone aside from my two faithful blogger friends even read this. But to my great surprise my new friend popped up in response to my last post. Now we've exchanged our info and I do believe we're going to start corresponding! In fact I'm cookin' up a little somethin' somethin' for her today.
This Saturday is a full moon ritual and I'm excited. I love full moon rituals. Last weekend was my first pre dedicant class and while it was pretty informal I just enjoy being in that space learning about herbs, gems, deities, tarot cards, mythology.... I can't wait to start my formal year and a day training. This has been such a glorious feeling finally getting involved in my spiritual studies again. (I know I keep saying that...I'll quit soon I promise)
For next class we have to read 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz. I'm excited, my mom read it a long time ago and had told me about it but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.
The quote for the day is;
~When the power of love outweighs the love of power the world shall know peace~
Blessed be~
Friday, July 11, 2008
Musings
For a few years now I've been wishing I had a pen pal.
Someone I could have an intimate correspondence with. Not intimate in the sexual sense, but in a very real sense. A closeness developed with a stranger, a connection across the divide. I've never taken any steps to make this happen, I 'spose there is probably some internet meet up thingy for just such a thing, maybe I will finally do it.
I don't just want to be the writer tho, I want someone to write back. Tell me what's going on in their life, their daily hopes, fears, what the color of their sky is. I want to know their dreams, desires, bad days, favorite songs, I want to know them through their words.
I have sought to do this in a different way, once upon a time, through instant messenger. It ended....with mostly predictable results but a few surprising ones too. I don't think that I'll go that route again.
Part of the appeal is getting mail. I never get anything that isn't bills it seems. I'm sure most everyone in the world can relate to that sentiment.
Oh well, we'll see.........
Someone I could have an intimate correspondence with. Not intimate in the sexual sense, but in a very real sense. A closeness developed with a stranger, a connection across the divide. I've never taken any steps to make this happen, I 'spose there is probably some internet meet up thingy for just such a thing, maybe I will finally do it.
I don't just want to be the writer tho, I want someone to write back. Tell me what's going on in their life, their daily hopes, fears, what the color of their sky is. I want to know their dreams, desires, bad days, favorite songs, I want to know them through their words.
I have sought to do this in a different way, once upon a time, through instant messenger. It ended....with mostly predictable results but a few surprising ones too. I don't think that I'll go that route again.
Part of the appeal is getting mail. I never get anything that isn't bills it seems. I'm sure most everyone in the world can relate to that sentiment.
Oh well, we'll see.........
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Still tender but on the mend
I am absolutely unequivocally in love with art.
Every day I see so many things that inspire me, stoke the fires within me that fuel me to create, to daydream, to believe.
Life has been tough these last few years.
Looking back the images that come to mind are dark and dusty, muted. I know there was happiness. I know there was laughter. I also know there was a murky depression that settled over my heart for years.
Nearly 3 years to be exact.
During that time I struggled to be creative, struggled to write. I was inspiration-less. I felt completely lost and afraid.
The light chases the shadows~ I feel inspired, in love with life. I still struggle not to be wary. I feel skittish about celebrating my happiness. And then I remind myself to center and ground. Right now is right now. Revel in this moment.
There is so much beauty in this life, and I mean beauty in the broad all encompassing sense~
The surreal.
The grotesque.
The animalistic.
The serene.
The tender.
The awe inspiring.
The bright white heat.
The magickal.
The mysterious.
The nostalgic.
The sharp that cuts.
The daydream.
Every day I see so many things that inspire me, stoke the fires within me that fuel me to create, to daydream, to believe.
Life has been tough these last few years.
Looking back the images that come to mind are dark and dusty, muted. I know there was happiness. I know there was laughter. I also know there was a murky depression that settled over my heart for years.
Nearly 3 years to be exact.
During that time I struggled to be creative, struggled to write. I was inspiration-less. I felt completely lost and afraid.
The light chases the shadows~ I feel inspired, in love with life. I still struggle not to be wary. I feel skittish about celebrating my happiness. And then I remind myself to center and ground. Right now is right now. Revel in this moment.
There is so much beauty in this life, and I mean beauty in the broad all encompassing sense~
The surreal.
The grotesque.
The animalistic.
The serene.
The tender.
The awe inspiring.
The bright white heat.
The magickal.
The mysterious.
The nostalgic.
The sharp that cuts.
The daydream.
Monday, July 7, 2008
My cat thinks I'm boring
I've made my way back.
Life can be such a whirlwind sometimes.
I always feel like I'm on the cusp of things mellowing out, of catching a breath. This hardly ever actually happens. I've been trying to work on living in the present moment and not looking into the future- it's tough.
Again, I'm on the cusp of starting a new job. This job drama has been going on for longer than I can begin to tell you. I hear about people who have been at the same job for years and I wonder what that must be like.
For the time being I'm done with the nanny scene. It's not the kids, kids are great. Even when they are naughty they are still bright little lights that shine into my heart. No, it's the parents that mess it all up. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a family where the parents and I will be a team rooting for the kids. This has never been the case. I always end up just being the hired help. It's a very humbling experience, I encourage everyone to do it at least once. It's the kind of perspective one has to live to receive. Once you've been the 'help' you would never dream of treating someone in the service industry with disrespect.
My last nanny job was pretty sweet, I was working with a one year old girl who is the most precious thing ever. We got along fabulously. I was in love from day one. The parents? At first they seemed ok, I thought maybe we could even actually be friends. Two weeks into the job I received another job offer from a company I had been courting for months. The pay, the benefits, the hours, it was all too amazing to pass up. When I told them I was going to have to leave their whole attitude towards me changed. They weren't nice anymore and I could see that again, I was just the help and that though they could see that this was a great opportunity for me all that mattered was how it impacted their lives. Nothing I did to ease the sting seemed to help and by my last day their attitude was just pure crap. Oh well, live and let live I guess.
Now I'm eagerly waiting to start my new job. This is such a huge blessing that seemingly dropped out of the heavens into my lap..... I know it's the wrong attitude to have, I try to curb it, but until I actually show up to work there I have to wonder if I'm going to wake up to find it's all been a dream.
In other news, this Saturday is my first pre-dedicant class. I am so excited, these are classes that are designed to fill in the gap between the seeker classes and the actual dedicant process that begins in January. We are to research a specific deity, herb, stone and tarot card. I love it. There are two other pre-dedicants who will be going through this process with me, they are totally radicool. I can't help but continue to be amazed that this is actually happening. All of it. The job, the classes, the apartment, the guy, it's all such a pile of blessings.
Oh, and the diet? I've fallen off the wagon for a week or so now but luckily only gained back 1/2 lb. I'm getting back on the diet train and I'm going to pull this caboose into the gym starting tomorrow. It's been so hot and humid I just can't imagine going to a weight room without air conditioning....but I'm going to give it a go.
Life is good. Unendingly nerve wracking, but good.
Life can be such a whirlwind sometimes.
I always feel like I'm on the cusp of things mellowing out, of catching a breath. This hardly ever actually happens. I've been trying to work on living in the present moment and not looking into the future- it's tough.
Again, I'm on the cusp of starting a new job. This job drama has been going on for longer than I can begin to tell you. I hear about people who have been at the same job for years and I wonder what that must be like.
For the time being I'm done with the nanny scene. It's not the kids, kids are great. Even when they are naughty they are still bright little lights that shine into my heart. No, it's the parents that mess it all up. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a family where the parents and I will be a team rooting for the kids. This has never been the case. I always end up just being the hired help. It's a very humbling experience, I encourage everyone to do it at least once. It's the kind of perspective one has to live to receive. Once you've been the 'help' you would never dream of treating someone in the service industry with disrespect.
My last nanny job was pretty sweet, I was working with a one year old girl who is the most precious thing ever. We got along fabulously. I was in love from day one. The parents? At first they seemed ok, I thought maybe we could even actually be friends. Two weeks into the job I received another job offer from a company I had been courting for months. The pay, the benefits, the hours, it was all too amazing to pass up. When I told them I was going to have to leave their whole attitude towards me changed. They weren't nice anymore and I could see that again, I was just the help and that though they could see that this was a great opportunity for me all that mattered was how it impacted their lives. Nothing I did to ease the sting seemed to help and by my last day their attitude was just pure crap. Oh well, live and let live I guess.
Now I'm eagerly waiting to start my new job. This is such a huge blessing that seemingly dropped out of the heavens into my lap..... I know it's the wrong attitude to have, I try to curb it, but until I actually show up to work there I have to wonder if I'm going to wake up to find it's all been a dream.
In other news, this Saturday is my first pre-dedicant class. I am so excited, these are classes that are designed to fill in the gap between the seeker classes and the actual dedicant process that begins in January. We are to research a specific deity, herb, stone and tarot card. I love it. There are two other pre-dedicants who will be going through this process with me, they are totally radicool. I can't help but continue to be amazed that this is actually happening. All of it. The job, the classes, the apartment, the guy, it's all such a pile of blessings.
Oh, and the diet? I've fallen off the wagon for a week or so now but luckily only gained back 1/2 lb. I'm getting back on the diet train and I'm going to pull this caboose into the gym starting tomorrow. It's been so hot and humid I just can't imagine going to a weight room without air conditioning....but I'm going to give it a go.
Life is good. Unendingly nerve wracking, but good.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Midsummer Nights Dream
Ahhh, Litha.
This is the turning point at which summer reaches its height and the sun shines longest.
I've been neglecting my Wiccan studies, it's time to get to work. The sun is high and the time is now.
This is the turning point at which summer reaches its height and the sun shines longest.
I've been neglecting my Wiccan studies, it's time to get to work. The sun is high and the time is now.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Beautifully complex
Sometimes I feel like being human is a new experience for me.
Many days, more often than not I take notice of this world, of me, of others with a sense of wonderment and surprise.
I'm in awe of the heights of achievement some reach, of the capacity within some to love and nurture, of others to create words/pictures/music/sculpture that elevates me to what feels all at once like divinity and damnation.
Being alive is painful, it's confusing, it's amazing, I find it baffling that one person can feel so many emotions all at once and not simply explode.
I am a million words, sounds, memories, sensations, images, emotions, desires all bundled up and stuffed into a package that feels too small.
If I could arrange it all into folders, boxes, have a yard sale and get rid of the garbage, I would be better, more put together.
That will never happen
I will have to learn to exist as this complex force.
Right now............
Right now it just makes me want to have a smoke and a drink.
Many days, more often than not I take notice of this world, of me, of others with a sense of wonderment and surprise.
I'm in awe of the heights of achievement some reach, of the capacity within some to love and nurture, of others to create words/pictures/music/sculpture that elevates me to what feels all at once like divinity and damnation.
Being alive is painful, it's confusing, it's amazing, I find it baffling that one person can feel so many emotions all at once and not simply explode.
I am a million words, sounds, memories, sensations, images, emotions, desires all bundled up and stuffed into a package that feels too small.
If I could arrange it all into folders, boxes, have a yard sale and get rid of the garbage, I would be better, more put together.
That will never happen
I will have to learn to exist as this complex force.
Right now............
Right now it just makes me want to have a smoke and a drink.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Summertime and the living is not easy
Forgive the cheesy title.
Cheesy. Yummmm.
I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:
Lose at least 50 lbs.
Start working out at least 5 days a week.
Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.
Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.
Work on my fiction book I am writing.
Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.
Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.
Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.
I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."
Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"
I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.
It's hard.
Cheesy. Yummmm.
I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:
Lose at least 50 lbs.
Start working out at least 5 days a week.
Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.
Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.
Work on my fiction book I am writing.
Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.
Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.
Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.
I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."
Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"
I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.
It's hard.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Wading through it
Life is so confusing and difficult.
It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.
These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.
I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.
The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.
I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!
I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"
It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.
These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.
I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.
The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.
I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!
I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
A Conjurin' Summer In
Beltane, a time to celebrate conception and look ahead while letting go of things no longer needed.
I had a great time at the Beltane celebration this Sunday. I got to meet a couple of new people who were wonderful, everyone I've met so far in this group is so nice and welcoming. In my experience that is very rare. I'm more at ease during these Esbats & Sabbats than I've been in any kind of gathering I can think of.
The ritual had an air of frivolity to it, the songs were really interesting and I tried to sing along even though I had no idea what the tune was....yikes! Rest assured I was singing very quietly.
We made fairy wands with ribbons which we wrote wishes for the new year on, I have yet to put mine outside for the fairies to find. It was a lot of fun and a nice, long, joyous occasion. The fact that there were a few snowflakes falling from the sky as we were 'a conjurin' summer in' didn't dampen our spirits too much though it didn't escape notice!
Afterward I was able to stay as long as I wanted and was wanted. Last time, during the full moon Esbat I had to leave early and was bummed. Everyone enjoyed the cheesecake & strawberry puree I brought (white & red.) I was able to talk more with our High Priestess and some of the others who I had previously not had the opportunity. I found the similarities within our paths very telling indeed. All who spoke of their journey to Wicca & Witchcraft had parallel experiences to my own. Much wandering from one religion to another seeking a home.
Our High Priestess is a truly amazing woman. She has a long history of teaching witchcraft in our community (12 years!!!!) and dedicates an amazing amount of her time to the craft, her coven, her students and the community at large. I am very inspired by her, she told me she didn't start seriously studying Witchcraft until she was in her 30's as well. She has the most kind, smiling eyes. She really does illustrate what I see as a face of the Goddess. Joy and bounty, kindness and knowledge seem to radiate from her. I feel very blessed to know her.
Really I feel that way about everyone I've met within the coven. They are all very special people and I'm looking forward to knowing them. It occurs to me that they must already know a great deal about me, I believe they have done my astrological chart and being as they are all witches they have a way with intuition and energy reading that tells them things about people, it's scary but.....interesting knowing that there is no hiding. Definitely prompts me to be more real, more careful about what I say, truthful.
Previous to the Beltane celebration I had been listening to an old podcast from iTunes titled 'The Witching Hour' by Stacey Simmons the episode is 'The Wheel of the Year- Beltane.' I enjoy her podcast quite a bit, she is very insightful and thoughtful in her delivery, it's been a wonderful introduction for me.
There were a number of things she mentioned that struck me as interesting and pause for thought;
Life is not the opposite of death, conception is the opposite of death. Life is what is in the middle. Makes absolute sense when one thinks about it, but till then if someone had asked me what the opposite of death is I would have said life.
The Maypole's ribbon pattern symbolizes the connectedness of life.
Popular Beltane foods were red & white. The red represents the female, the white represents the male. A popular thing to bring to a celebration was a white cake and red wine.
There were other things as well but I'll spare you my whole journey as I really am just finding out about it for the first time.
The first time I attended an Esbat was the new moon and we were given the opportunity to write down things that we wanted to invite into our lives and then offer them to Fire to be carried to the Divine. I felt the power in this practice, I took it very seriously and I feel that I have been granted some of those things that I asked for.
We performed that same ceremony at Beltane and were able to write things that we wished to be rid of and adversely things we wanted to invite into our lives. I love this and was glad to do it, I wrote on more pieces of paper than anyone else I think but why not shoot for the stars right?
Overall it was a nice time, I am really realizing how very very far I have to go to ready myself for witchcraft. It is very difficult for me to ground and center my energy during ritual and also I feel I am not going through the proper channels within myself to commune with the Divine. I'm expecting results although I've not taken all the proper steps.
I've been working through one of my 'text books' for class and she talks in there about communicating with your 'younger self' and building power and I know I have not a clue as to how to do this just yet. At first I was really bummed out that I wouldn't be able to begin dedicant classes immediately following my seeker classes but now I see that I have a lot of inner work to accomplish before I am ready to take on all of the other work. There is so much to learn, many lifetimes it would take me to comprehend all of this knowledge.
I stayed home from work today to finish my reading & question sheets and get it all typed up for class tonight. I feel bad for letting my employers down, it was a very difficult decision and I hope I didn't cause them too much strife. Tonight is our last class as seekers and then I will begin working on my own, on myself, while occasionally attending pre-dedicate classes.
Miles to go yet I've put my feet on the path.
I had a great time at the Beltane celebration this Sunday. I got to meet a couple of new people who were wonderful, everyone I've met so far in this group is so nice and welcoming. In my experience that is very rare. I'm more at ease during these Esbats & Sabbats than I've been in any kind of gathering I can think of.
The ritual had an air of frivolity to it, the songs were really interesting and I tried to sing along even though I had no idea what the tune was....yikes! Rest assured I was singing very quietly.
We made fairy wands with ribbons which we wrote wishes for the new year on, I have yet to put mine outside for the fairies to find. It was a lot of fun and a nice, long, joyous occasion. The fact that there were a few snowflakes falling from the sky as we were 'a conjurin' summer in' didn't dampen our spirits too much though it didn't escape notice!
Afterward I was able to stay as long as I wanted and was wanted. Last time, during the full moon Esbat I had to leave early and was bummed. Everyone enjoyed the cheesecake & strawberry puree I brought (white & red.) I was able to talk more with our High Priestess and some of the others who I had previously not had the opportunity. I found the similarities within our paths very telling indeed. All who spoke of their journey to Wicca & Witchcraft had parallel experiences to my own. Much wandering from one religion to another seeking a home.
Our High Priestess is a truly amazing woman. She has a long history of teaching witchcraft in our community (12 years!!!!) and dedicates an amazing amount of her time to the craft, her coven, her students and the community at large. I am very inspired by her, she told me she didn't start seriously studying Witchcraft until she was in her 30's as well. She has the most kind, smiling eyes. She really does illustrate what I see as a face of the Goddess. Joy and bounty, kindness and knowledge seem to radiate from her. I feel very blessed to know her.
Really I feel that way about everyone I've met within the coven. They are all very special people and I'm looking forward to knowing them. It occurs to me that they must already know a great deal about me, I believe they have done my astrological chart and being as they are all witches they have a way with intuition and energy reading that tells them things about people, it's scary but.....interesting knowing that there is no hiding. Definitely prompts me to be more real, more careful about what I say, truthful.
Previous to the Beltane celebration I had been listening to an old podcast from iTunes titled 'The Witching Hour' by Stacey Simmons the episode is 'The Wheel of the Year- Beltane.' I enjoy her podcast quite a bit, she is very insightful and thoughtful in her delivery, it's been a wonderful introduction for me.
There were a number of things she mentioned that struck me as interesting and pause for thought;
Life is not the opposite of death, conception is the opposite of death. Life is what is in the middle. Makes absolute sense when one thinks about it, but till then if someone had asked me what the opposite of death is I would have said life.
The Maypole's ribbon pattern symbolizes the connectedness of life.
Popular Beltane foods were red & white. The red represents the female, the white represents the male. A popular thing to bring to a celebration was a white cake and red wine.
There were other things as well but I'll spare you my whole journey as I really am just finding out about it for the first time.
The first time I attended an Esbat was the new moon and we were given the opportunity to write down things that we wanted to invite into our lives and then offer them to Fire to be carried to the Divine. I felt the power in this practice, I took it very seriously and I feel that I have been granted some of those things that I asked for.
We performed that same ceremony at Beltane and were able to write things that we wished to be rid of and adversely things we wanted to invite into our lives. I love this and was glad to do it, I wrote on more pieces of paper than anyone else I think but why not shoot for the stars right?
Overall it was a nice time, I am really realizing how very very far I have to go to ready myself for witchcraft. It is very difficult for me to ground and center my energy during ritual and also I feel I am not going through the proper channels within myself to commune with the Divine. I'm expecting results although I've not taken all the proper steps.
I've been working through one of my 'text books' for class and she talks in there about communicating with your 'younger self' and building power and I know I have not a clue as to how to do this just yet. At first I was really bummed out that I wouldn't be able to begin dedicant classes immediately following my seeker classes but now I see that I have a lot of inner work to accomplish before I am ready to take on all of the other work. There is so much to learn, many lifetimes it would take me to comprehend all of this knowledge.
I stayed home from work today to finish my reading & question sheets and get it all typed up for class tonight. I feel bad for letting my employers down, it was a very difficult decision and I hope I didn't cause them too much strife. Tonight is our last class as seekers and then I will begin working on my own, on myself, while occasionally attending pre-dedicate classes.
Miles to go yet I've put my feet on the path.
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