I need to be channeling Bob Marley in a big way. And not just in the weed smoking department.
I've been so negative that it's really slowing me down. This summer it seems has been one of constant stress, disappointment, frustration and rampant negativity. It doesn't help that on top of my own b.s. it seems many of my friends and family are having a tough time of it lately too. The media certainly doesn't help either. I usually make a point not to read the news (not having T.V. keeps me away from seeing it) just to keep my head out of the 'fear fog' as I like to call it. Now and again though I'll get sucked in by some perfectly horrid tag line out of crazy curiosity and I'm always sad I did. Sensationalistic headlines are rarely highlighting some wonderful achievement or some beautiful miracle. They are usually showcasing the dredges of humanity, some horrific event that has happened. And what I don't need is any more proof that people are strange and horrible. I really need to start focusing heavily on positivity and drawing that energy to me. Dwelling on my families problems and trudging through my own then drowning in the sea of sorrow that is humanity is just messing with my head. I've been fighting this depression that I know so well, it knocks on the door every so often and if I'm not careful it sneaks in and takes up residence on my mental couch. It's a rude house guest and I swore I'd never let it in again after the last time it crept in and kept up residence for two years straight. Now, that was some tough times. Nothing like now. Thank the Goddess. I shall endeavor to fight the good fight.
Well, that's enough of that. Moving on and moving up.
I do have some good news to report. I finally couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and I talked with my man about my baby issues/questions. He said all the right things. For a change of pace. It was such a relief, especially due to the fact that I had wicked PMS and the hormonal surges held me captive in a dingy on high seas. One big wave could have capsized my raft and thankfully he didn't. Again, for a change of pace. I'm being hard on him but historically...well, let's just say it's not usually that smooth. He's as excited about this next venture in our lives as much as I am (he wanted to have a baby all along, it's me that took 11 years of our relationship to decide I did too) so he is willing to make the sacrifices that come along with a baby. We're thinking we'll look more closely at planning a time to start 'trying' which is a funny way to put it. I guess it's more like we'll not concentrate on not getting pregnant. Whichever you prefer I guess. Firstly I've got to get some health questions answered and get in better shape. I need to get my blood sugar problems figured out so I don't have the risk of getting gestational diabetes. More on the doctor dilemma another day, that's another source of negativity that I want to stay away from today.
I am making some progress on the magick front. I spent all day last sunday with Swan having a great session and hanging out. She is such a grounding force in my life, a wonderful teacher, an inspiring friend and an all around kick ass human being. Her and her man are just simply wonderful. They always feed me new & exciting food and wines every time I see them. I've renewed my commitment to the study of Witchcraft and am actively working towards creating a daily spiritual practice. This is something I've been yearning for my whole life and never really implemented. Next time I post will be to give a detailed account of the prayer beads she had me make and all that goes with that exercise.
Alas, I've got to get ready to head to the cubicle maze that is my job so I'll have to get into that later which will be a nice break from whining about my problems. I'm sure all four of you who read this will be glad to move on too! Thanks for sticking in there with me~
Brightest blessings to you all and may the Goddess hold you close and whisper in your ear~
All is Love
Love is all
Blessed be.
photo source unknown
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Oooooh baby baby it's a wild world....
Let me just start by saying, I had other ideas for this blog. Because not many people have a real, true understanding of what Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism is I don’t have hardly anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking about my training with. I wanted a way to catalog this amazing experience, maybe find an audience who can relate or expound upon what I’m going through. I never intended to make this a personal ‘boo-hoo’ blog. I’ve been careful about what I post cause we all know that once you put something up online it’s there. Maybe forever. And I also want to apologize if people are here to be a part of the Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism dialog and are left wondering, what is all this crap about babies? Let’s talk about the moon and spells and such! Well, I’ll be getting back to that, I promise.
Right now? Today? My mind isn’t on those things.
I’m still in a funk about the baby question. Okay, don’t run screaming, we are going to go down that road again and I must warn you that I talk about my period at the end. There, I said it. Now……
I’ve been wondering lately about hormones. Fun topic huh? Well, it’s been a health concern of mine for so long I can’t hardly remember when it wasn’t. What’s troubling me right now is that I have been wondering if it isn’t hormones that is pressing this baby issue. Okay, I’ll back up and explain where this comes from. Right after I lost the baby last year I was still all a twitter with the pregnancy hormones which kept screaming “BABY BABY BABY” and had me convinced that as soon as we got the green light to go ahead with another pregnancy that we would be trying RIGHT AWAY. Well, better sense prevailed and we realized that we *still* had a lot of stuff to get in order before we trundled off down that road. Waiting was the right thing to do. Here we are, a year later and while we are getting closer to being ready to try again we’ve decided it’s best to wait till I get some of my health issues in order, till we are closer to moving near my parents (our volunteer daycare) and about a hundred other reasons. I believe I mentioned in a previous post how I’ve been agonizing about wanting to have the baby NOW….and then, at some point I began to ponder…is it really the best thing for us to get pregnant? Not just now, but ever?
Here’s the facts, and feel free to chime in with your ‘two cents worth’ cause I could really use some help here.
We are moving to be closer to my parents who have graciously offered to help watch our baby since it’s unlikely I’m not going to have to work. This is spectacular, right? Yes. It definitely is. The problem? It’s impossible to think that me having to work will be temporary when we’ll be trying to buy/build a house, have a baby, and transition into new jobs essentially all at once. I really don’t want to be a full time working mother, even if the daycare is my very own kick ass mom.
I don’t think I’ll be able to stand missing out on EVERYTHING. All of the times I was a nanny and I would get to see the first steps, hear the first word, get to cuddle with them as they napped, teach them new things, I would think to myself that if this were MY kid I wouldn’t miss that for the world. Now, to be fair, the people I worked for didn’t NEED to work, they chose to because they wanted MORE and weren’t content with less.
That will not be the case with us as we are not starting out with anything and wouldn’t be able to get by with even just the two of us on one income. So, I would be doing just what I always said I thought was fundamentally wrong. Having a baby that you can’t raise yourself. Why would someone do that? Because they want that baby and come hell or high water they will get it! Is it the best thing for the baby? No. I know that. All of my years in childcare tell me so. The kids suffer and that is a fact. Now, if we had gotten pregnant by ‘accident’ like before then it’s out of my control. But at this point we’re making a decision to have a baby. Different thing altogether. Plus, my parent’s can’t get stuck raising the baby full time. I’m sure my mom would love to help out especially in the beginning but she has stuff going on too and giving up everything to raise our baby long term isn’t right.
The other problem that has been plaguing me is that my man has always wanted to be an artist. He’s amazing at it. The problem there? Let me count the ways. Here’s a few, he’s made little to no contact with the art world and has absolutely no job prospects in this field. He would/will have to start from ground zero to make this happen and doesn’t want to try to work a full time job and do it in his off hours. He’s terrified of getting stuck in some job he doesn’t give a shit about just to put food on the table and never ending up realizing his full potential. I totally one hundred percent get that. We’re a little late in the game to wait to have a baby until his art career is lucrative enough to support our family. If that ever happens. The saying ‘starving artist’ isn’t just a cliché. It’s for reals. I know a ton of them. I’m surrounded by them. So is he going to resent me if we do go ahead with the baby and his art career doesn’t take off? Am I going to resent him for chasing his dream while I’m working 40 hr. weeks and missing out on our child’s childhood?
And then, there are others who say “you can’t over think this, just go for it and it will all work out.” Or, “you can’t plan for the future, you just do the best that you can.” All this is fine and good but is it the most responsible way to look at the choice to have a child? Even though, yeah, it would all likely turn out just fine. I think most of the world gets pregnant by surprise. But I also know that it makes it really tough. I know a hundred families who have/are struggled/struggling through unplanned children. Many relationships don’t survive. Dreams of art careers die. Mothers end up working through their children’s childhoods.
And so I’m right back to where I started, do I really want to have a baby or is my body simply following historical protocol by tricking me, telling me it’s time to procreate against all odds? Do the cons to having a baby outweigh the pros? The answers my head gives me are different than the ones my heart is giving me. I was a week late ‘starting’ this month and I was completely torn 50/50. One part of me was really really hoping that maybe I was *magically* pregnant (therefore releasing me from this huge decision) and the other part of me was scared and sad that I haven’t gotten my health taken care of and for all the other above mentioned reasons. And when I finally started? There was a part of me that was disappointed. I’m a freakin’ wreck.
Advice?
Discuss.
Right now? Today? My mind isn’t on those things.
I’m still in a funk about the baby question. Okay, don’t run screaming, we are going to go down that road again and I must warn you that I talk about my period at the end. There, I said it. Now……
I’ve been wondering lately about hormones. Fun topic huh? Well, it’s been a health concern of mine for so long I can’t hardly remember when it wasn’t. What’s troubling me right now is that I have been wondering if it isn’t hormones that is pressing this baby issue. Okay, I’ll back up and explain where this comes from. Right after I lost the baby last year I was still all a twitter with the pregnancy hormones which kept screaming “BABY BABY BABY” and had me convinced that as soon as we got the green light to go ahead with another pregnancy that we would be trying RIGHT AWAY. Well, better sense prevailed and we realized that we *still* had a lot of stuff to get in order before we trundled off down that road. Waiting was the right thing to do. Here we are, a year later and while we are getting closer to being ready to try again we’ve decided it’s best to wait till I get some of my health issues in order, till we are closer to moving near my parents (our volunteer daycare) and about a hundred other reasons. I believe I mentioned in a previous post how I’ve been agonizing about wanting to have the baby NOW….and then, at some point I began to ponder…is it really the best thing for us to get pregnant? Not just now, but ever?
Here’s the facts, and feel free to chime in with your ‘two cents worth’ cause I could really use some help here.
We are moving to be closer to my parents who have graciously offered to help watch our baby since it’s unlikely I’m not going to have to work. This is spectacular, right? Yes. It definitely is. The problem? It’s impossible to think that me having to work will be temporary when we’ll be trying to buy/build a house, have a baby, and transition into new jobs essentially all at once. I really don’t want to be a full time working mother, even if the daycare is my very own kick ass mom.
I don’t think I’ll be able to stand missing out on EVERYTHING. All of the times I was a nanny and I would get to see the first steps, hear the first word, get to cuddle with them as they napped, teach them new things, I would think to myself that if this were MY kid I wouldn’t miss that for the world. Now, to be fair, the people I worked for didn’t NEED to work, they chose to because they wanted MORE and weren’t content with less.
That will not be the case with us as we are not starting out with anything and wouldn’t be able to get by with even just the two of us on one income. So, I would be doing just what I always said I thought was fundamentally wrong. Having a baby that you can’t raise yourself. Why would someone do that? Because they want that baby and come hell or high water they will get it! Is it the best thing for the baby? No. I know that. All of my years in childcare tell me so. The kids suffer and that is a fact. Now, if we had gotten pregnant by ‘accident’ like before then it’s out of my control. But at this point we’re making a decision to have a baby. Different thing altogether. Plus, my parent’s can’t get stuck raising the baby full time. I’m sure my mom would love to help out especially in the beginning but she has stuff going on too and giving up everything to raise our baby long term isn’t right.
The other problem that has been plaguing me is that my man has always wanted to be an artist. He’s amazing at it. The problem there? Let me count the ways. Here’s a few, he’s made little to no contact with the art world and has absolutely no job prospects in this field. He would/will have to start from ground zero to make this happen and doesn’t want to try to work a full time job and do it in his off hours. He’s terrified of getting stuck in some job he doesn’t give a shit about just to put food on the table and never ending up realizing his full potential. I totally one hundred percent get that. We’re a little late in the game to wait to have a baby until his art career is lucrative enough to support our family. If that ever happens. The saying ‘starving artist’ isn’t just a cliché. It’s for reals. I know a ton of them. I’m surrounded by them. So is he going to resent me if we do go ahead with the baby and his art career doesn’t take off? Am I going to resent him for chasing his dream while I’m working 40 hr. weeks and missing out on our child’s childhood?
And then, there are others who say “you can’t over think this, just go for it and it will all work out.” Or, “you can’t plan for the future, you just do the best that you can.” All this is fine and good but is it the most responsible way to look at the choice to have a child? Even though, yeah, it would all likely turn out just fine. I think most of the world gets pregnant by surprise. But I also know that it makes it really tough. I know a hundred families who have/are struggled/struggling through unplanned children. Many relationships don’t survive. Dreams of art careers die. Mothers end up working through their children’s childhoods.
And so I’m right back to where I started, do I really want to have a baby or is my body simply following historical protocol by tricking me, telling me it’s time to procreate against all odds? Do the cons to having a baby outweigh the pros? The answers my head gives me are different than the ones my heart is giving me. I was a week late ‘starting’ this month and I was completely torn 50/50. One part of me was really really hoping that maybe I was *magically* pregnant (therefore releasing me from this huge decision) and the other part of me was scared and sad that I haven’t gotten my health taken care of and for all the other above mentioned reasons. And when I finally started? There was a part of me that was disappointed. I’m a freakin’ wreck.
Advice?
Discuss.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Love Hoodie Love
I always get such fascinating tidbits from one of my favorite blogs:
Lady Lavona's Cabinet of Curiosities (you'll find her in my sidebar of blogs that I follow)
And just look at what she's turned me onto now!
The designer's name is Lindsey Thornburg:
Lady Lavona's Cabinet of Curiosities (you'll find her in my sidebar of blogs that I follow)
And just look at what she's turned me onto now!
The designer's name is Lindsey Thornburg:
This woman has done what I've lusted over forever- a HOODIE CLOAK.
In three different lengths no less!!! The mid length is the cutest me thinks and I WANT I WANT I WANT ONE!!! Of course as she is a designer one can only purchase her things at boutiques and only in New York apparently.
So I did what any sensible (read: sewing & monetarily challenged) girl would do in this situation. I asked my grandma to make one for me.
Because, while I have every intention of one day learning how to sew I'm not kidding myself by thinking it will be any time real soon and I would desperately love to have one of these by Autumn!! We'll see what she says, my grandmother is a freakin' whiz at all types of sewing though she usually insists that she have a pattern to make it perfect.
I'll have to make sure I purchase my very own fabric though because while she can sew a sweater for the devil himself and make it adorable she has the WORST taste in fabric & colors. I keep telling her that while I appreciate all of the things she has knitted/sewn for me over the years that if she would just make everything BLACK it will be a winner for sure (read: no longer banished to totes in the storage unit). What was the very next thing I received? A pastel pink & mint green knitted throw. Bleck.
If I had to pick one color actually can't stand it would be pink. Pretty much everything she makes for me is some shade of pink. And since she is a bargain shopper to beat all she usually picks up her yarn/fabric out of the clearance bin so not only is it pink it's usually some insanely hideous shade of pink that no other human being wanted.
Oh, I hope I hope I hope she'll make it for me...I should look around online and see if I can find a pattern for this...
p.s. don't hate me for getting excited about Autumn already, I'm in the minority here, I know. At least Giggly is with me on this!
Monday, July 6, 2009
La Mer
I'm missing the ocean.
We went camping this weekend and I did get to float down a fantastically lazy river.....
Alas, all it did was make me miss the ocean even more.
I miss the sound of the waves, the vastness of the sea-as far as the eye can see, the cool salty spray, the plaintive cry of the gulls, the sound of my feet as they make their way across the sand....
I hope one day I will get to live near the sea~
We went camping this weekend and I did get to float down a fantastically lazy river.....
Alas, all it did was make me miss the ocean even more.
I miss the sound of the waves, the vastness of the sea-as far as the eye can see, the cool salty spray, the plaintive cry of the gulls, the sound of my feet as they make their way across the sand....
I hope one day I will get to live near the sea~
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Baby Brain
On the subject of my summer funk-
(Sorry for those of you who are tired of me musing about my quasi- depression)
I’ve been noticing that there is one thing on my mind an awful lot. I’ll give you a couple of hints:
They cry a lot.
They are irresistibly cute.
They must be fed, dressed, changed, molded and loved 24-7.
No, it’s not another husband…
Of course it’s babies.
And for those of you who know through blogging or from our personal relationship, we lost a baby a little over a year ago. What is strange to me is that while I’ve always loved babies and have been a babysitter/nanny off & on since before puberty I never thought I wanted to have my own kids. This sentiment carried on until I actually got pregnant and then I reassessed my reasoning and realized that I do want a baby, what I did not want was to be a shut-in mom like so many I had known before. (It’s such a long convoluted story and I think I already covered this in a subsequent post..)
Suffice to say, I’m on the baby train now. And what makes it even more appealing is that I am working a job that is not physically demanding, has amazing benefits with ample maternity leave. The hang up? We don’t want to have a baby and then immediately after the maternity leave is up ship it off to daycare. My mom has graciously offered to be our daycare when we do have a baby but it’s got to be when we are all finally living in the same state. Now, this is the plan, we are counting on it and working towards it but we are all at least a year off from moving. The husband and I are waiting for our company to relocate and give us our severance package before we move. My parents have had their house up for sale for nearly a year now trying to move....Who knows when this will all come together…
Everyone I see these days either has a newborn baby or is pregnant. My ovaries keep telling me “Just do it. Go for it. You’re ready now. Do it.”
And then my brain says, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve got to think this out and do it when the time is right. You can’t afford daycare, you don’t want to send your newborn baby to be raised by a stranger, you don’t know when the company is shutting down so get a grip on yourself sister!”
And so, in protest, my ovaries are staging a riot. They keep barraging my brain with thoughts of babies. Constantly. I find myself feeling resentful of others who do have babies. I feel like the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’, my heart feels very small and lumpy when I find myself being resentful of other people’s happiness. Especially about babies, I feel like some sort of monster.
I had heard about women like me, I certainly never thought I would be one. And yet here I am, getting weepy over cute baby clothes, scowling at pregnant women, talking myself into & out of getting pregnant right now….it’s all so messed up. I buy baby stuff if it’s super duper cute and really cheap. I’m convinced when I do have a baby it’s going to be a girl so if that’s not the case then someone better have one cause I’ve amassed a little pile….
And though I’ve kind of sort of talked to my mom & my man about all of this I feel so….embarrassed about it I just keep it to myself mainly. I really really want a baby but in order for that to happen right now everything needs to be drastically different. I find myself being snippy with my man and I wonder if I’m not feeling resentful on some deeper level that he’s not as ready as I am? He wants a baby too but he isn’t feeling the big push I am. He keeps telling me he’s got to get his career figured out first and get some financial stability before we get pregnant. Before we actually got pregnant he was the one who was excited for us to get pregnant. Is he scared we’ll lose another baby? How long does he think we have to do this? We’re getting older every day and the thought of having our child graduate high school right around our 80th birthdays is not appealing.
Is this all hormonal? Is this all just yet another cruel trick played out on us women? Are we helpless against the onslaught of our hormones and our conditioning? Is it cellular memory to want to have babies?
Shit, it’s just too damn hot today to continue to ruminate on such things…
Thanks for sticking in there with me as I sort through this mess~
(Sorry for those of you who are tired of me musing about my quasi- depression)
I’ve been noticing that there is one thing on my mind an awful lot. I’ll give you a couple of hints:
They cry a lot.
They are irresistibly cute.
They must be fed, dressed, changed, molded and loved 24-7.
No, it’s not another husband…
Of course it’s babies.
And for those of you who know through blogging or from our personal relationship, we lost a baby a little over a year ago. What is strange to me is that while I’ve always loved babies and have been a babysitter/nanny off & on since before puberty I never thought I wanted to have my own kids. This sentiment carried on until I actually got pregnant and then I reassessed my reasoning and realized that I do want a baby, what I did not want was to be a shut-in mom like so many I had known before. (It’s such a long convoluted story and I think I already covered this in a subsequent post..)
Suffice to say, I’m on the baby train now. And what makes it even more appealing is that I am working a job that is not physically demanding, has amazing benefits with ample maternity leave. The hang up? We don’t want to have a baby and then immediately after the maternity leave is up ship it off to daycare. My mom has graciously offered to be our daycare when we do have a baby but it’s got to be when we are all finally living in the same state. Now, this is the plan, we are counting on it and working towards it but we are all at least a year off from moving. The husband and I are waiting for our company to relocate and give us our severance package before we move. My parents have had their house up for sale for nearly a year now trying to move....Who knows when this will all come together…
Everyone I see these days either has a newborn baby or is pregnant. My ovaries keep telling me “Just do it. Go for it. You’re ready now. Do it.”
And then my brain says, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve got to think this out and do it when the time is right. You can’t afford daycare, you don’t want to send your newborn baby to be raised by a stranger, you don’t know when the company is shutting down so get a grip on yourself sister!”
And so, in protest, my ovaries are staging a riot. They keep barraging my brain with thoughts of babies. Constantly. I find myself feeling resentful of others who do have babies. I feel like the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’, my heart feels very small and lumpy when I find myself being resentful of other people’s happiness. Especially about babies, I feel like some sort of monster.
I had heard about women like me, I certainly never thought I would be one. And yet here I am, getting weepy over cute baby clothes, scowling at pregnant women, talking myself into & out of getting pregnant right now….it’s all so messed up. I buy baby stuff if it’s super duper cute and really cheap. I’m convinced when I do have a baby it’s going to be a girl so if that’s not the case then someone better have one cause I’ve amassed a little pile….
And though I’ve kind of sort of talked to my mom & my man about all of this I feel so….embarrassed about it I just keep it to myself mainly. I really really want a baby but in order for that to happen right now everything needs to be drastically different. I find myself being snippy with my man and I wonder if I’m not feeling resentful on some deeper level that he’s not as ready as I am? He wants a baby too but he isn’t feeling the big push I am. He keeps telling me he’s got to get his career figured out first and get some financial stability before we get pregnant. Before we actually got pregnant he was the one who was excited for us to get pregnant. Is he scared we’ll lose another baby? How long does he think we have to do this? We’re getting older every day and the thought of having our child graduate high school right around our 80th birthdays is not appealing.
Is this all hormonal? Is this all just yet another cruel trick played out on us women? Are we helpless against the onslaught of our hormones and our conditioning? Is it cellular memory to want to have babies?
Shit, it’s just too damn hot today to continue to ruminate on such things…
Thanks for sticking in there with me as I sort through this mess~
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Disconnect
I know what this feeling is.
I’ve figured it out.
There are peripherary reasons I’ve been depressed and cranky and then there is the core reason.
The peripherary reasons are that I do not function well in a mess. Our house is still full of boxes and the impending work and disorganization is driving me crazy.
Also, I’ve stopped exercising entirely. I went from working out every day, taking my vitamins and counting my calories to eating whatever I damn well please and not exercising at all. My old self-indulgent self is back.
The core reason I’m depressed is so familiar, I’m amazed I didn’t see it for what it is earlier. I’ve known this depression before, it’s being disconnected. I’m disconnected from my spiritual life, disconnected from my body, disconnected from my family, disconnected from my creative self, disconnected from friends. I’ve reverted to being a blob. I eat, work, sleep, watch movies and eat, work, sleep some more. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. Sometimes I feel like being human is the equivalent to trying to swim through mud. Why are we so dense? Why does it take so long for simple ideas to take root? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over?
Infinitely frustrating.
I’m digging myself back out of the hole I’ve recently realized I’ve buried myself in. I’ve got to get my spiritual foundation constructed. It’s absolutely essential. Any advice? Ideas? Do you or anyone you know have a steady, daily spiritual practice?
My homework for ‘class’ this Sunday is to construct a set of pagan prayer beads and come up with three possible mantras. I’ve also been set to the task of researching the use of prayer beads throughout the world religions. So far I’ve done my research and am interested to see nearly every world religion employs some sort of prayer beads. Must be good stuff. It’s a tool that just might be the best idea yet, I’ve got Swan to thank for that, she’s aces.
I’ve figured it out.
There are peripherary reasons I’ve been depressed and cranky and then there is the core reason.
The peripherary reasons are that I do not function well in a mess. Our house is still full of boxes and the impending work and disorganization is driving me crazy.
Also, I’ve stopped exercising entirely. I went from working out every day, taking my vitamins and counting my calories to eating whatever I damn well please and not exercising at all. My old self-indulgent self is back.
The core reason I’m depressed is so familiar, I’m amazed I didn’t see it for what it is earlier. I’ve known this depression before, it’s being disconnected. I’m disconnected from my spiritual life, disconnected from my body, disconnected from my family, disconnected from my creative self, disconnected from friends. I’ve reverted to being a blob. I eat, work, sleep, watch movies and eat, work, sleep some more. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. Sometimes I feel like being human is the equivalent to trying to swim through mud. Why are we so dense? Why does it take so long for simple ideas to take root? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over?
Infinitely frustrating.
I’m digging myself back out of the hole I’ve recently realized I’ve buried myself in. I’ve got to get my spiritual foundation constructed. It’s absolutely essential. Any advice? Ideas? Do you or anyone you know have a steady, daily spiritual practice?
My homework for ‘class’ this Sunday is to construct a set of pagan prayer beads and come up with three possible mantras. I’ve also been set to the task of researching the use of prayer beads throughout the world religions. So far I’ve done my research and am interested to see nearly every world religion employs some sort of prayer beads. Must be good stuff. It’s a tool that just might be the best idea yet, I’ve got Swan to thank for that, she’s aces.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Crab People!
I've been really crabby lately.
Not sure why.
Is it the heat? Humidity? Summer always makes me kinda cranky, weird I know, but true.
Maybe it's the fact that my house still isn't put together after 3 weeks. I've done almost everything and decided to leave one room to my guy and here we are, weeks later and it's still barely even started. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose it and strangle him. But then I remember that I love him. Emotions are such complicated things. Oh, to be human.
Also, it seems like everyone is pregnant right now and that's really been bumming me out too. It's so super mega lame to feel that way, I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel slighted by it. I know, it's my own trip and I'm a horrible person but dammit, it's true. I can't tell anyone else except for you, blogger- you are my only friend. Okay, so that's not true but I can't admit that steamy little fact to anyone.
I guess I just want to run away from my life for awhile. I know everyone feels this way from time to time, makes me feel a little better.
Okay, enough belly-aching. I've got to pull myself together.
Not sure why.
Is it the heat? Humidity? Summer always makes me kinda cranky, weird I know, but true.
Maybe it's the fact that my house still isn't put together after 3 weeks. I've done almost everything and decided to leave one room to my guy and here we are, weeks later and it's still barely even started. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose it and strangle him. But then I remember that I love him. Emotions are such complicated things. Oh, to be human.
Also, it seems like everyone is pregnant right now and that's really been bumming me out too. It's so super mega lame to feel that way, I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel slighted by it. I know, it's my own trip and I'm a horrible person but dammit, it's true. I can't tell anyone else except for you, blogger- you are my only friend. Okay, so that's not true but I can't admit that steamy little fact to anyone.
I guess I just want to run away from my life for awhile. I know everyone feels this way from time to time, makes me feel a little better.
Okay, enough belly-aching. I've got to pull myself together.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Parking Lot Kids
The biggest downfall to our new neighborhood is our neighbors.
Luckily we aren’t in a scary neighborhood like we have been previously; it’s just more economically depressed than our very last neighborhood. So while I’m not worried for my personal safety I am a little concerned about our house being broken into. But not much.
What worries me the most are the parking lot kids.
There is a whole herd of kids that live in our row of townhouses and they all seem to be raising themselves. I know its summer and school is out but the fact that I see these kids out in what is essentially a parking lot all day every day without any adults around seems crappy. Some of them are pretty young too; the youngest can’t be more than three years old. The older ones are too old to be wandering around with nothing constructive to do- that’s where vandalism and petty theft come a’knockin. Kids will figure out something to do and likely without a positive adult influence it’ll be something they know they aren’t supposed to do. Duh.
I had never seen any of the parents until this weekend. The youngest little girl I’d seen was talking to this woman who was on her way somewhere. I don’t mean to come off sounding like a prude but the outfit this woman was wearing was….scandalous to say the least. Everything God gave her to identify her as a woman was hanging out for the world to see. There was a man waiting for her in an Escalade with a boomin’ system. The woman is waving the little girl away as she’s reaching out for her and following her. The look on the woman's face tells me she’s irritated that the little girl wants her attention and she’s ready to go have fun with her man friend. It’s 85 degrees in the shade outside and she wants the little girl to just leave her alone and go back to sitting in the concrete parking lot, alone. The little girl finally turns around to start walking back towards the houses and I can see she is devastated. She’s crying so hard she can barely see where she is going. The lady stops for a second and watches her, finally I see her face soften a little bit and she walks over to the baby girl and pats her on the shoulder then turns back around and walks to the car and leaves. The little girl is sobbing. It’s so heartbreaking watching her, all alone, crying. How that woman could walk away without picking her up, holding her, drying her tears….I was even crying for heaven’s sake! I felt so bad for her, here I am, listening to music in the a/c, making delicious cookies, having a great time and there she is, all alone and crying out in the hot sun.
Throughout the day I see all of them, just wandering around, trying to amuse themselves. They don’t have any toys, only a couple of them have bikes, absolutely nothing to do but be invisible. I don’t even know if there are actually adults home or not. I’m not sure if they are sitting inside watching t.v. or at work or hangin’ at the bar with their friends or sitting inside getting high…who the hell knows. I don’t really know what to do.
I keep thinking about calling child protection services. But is that the right call? I don’t know that taking them away from whatever parent situation they have is right, what is waiting for them after that? Foster homes? Putting a child in the system at such a young age….I just don’t know if that is the right call. I don't want to turn a blind eye and be another person who lets them slip through the cracks. I also don't want to take away what little security they have and send them into a foster care world that I have serious reservations about. I guess what I’ve decided is that I am going to call child protection services and just see what happens when someone reports someone else. Anonymously of course. I don't want any of that action knocking on my front door. I don’t know a thing about how the system works and educating myself firstly would probably be the best way to go about it.
A whole generation of inner city kids are raising themselves. And we all watch the news and look at the crime in our neighborhoods and wonder how it all go so messed up. Parking lot kids. It just breaks my heart.
Luckily we aren’t in a scary neighborhood like we have been previously; it’s just more economically depressed than our very last neighborhood. So while I’m not worried for my personal safety I am a little concerned about our house being broken into. But not much.
What worries me the most are the parking lot kids.
There is a whole herd of kids that live in our row of townhouses and they all seem to be raising themselves. I know its summer and school is out but the fact that I see these kids out in what is essentially a parking lot all day every day without any adults around seems crappy. Some of them are pretty young too; the youngest can’t be more than three years old. The older ones are too old to be wandering around with nothing constructive to do- that’s where vandalism and petty theft come a’knockin. Kids will figure out something to do and likely without a positive adult influence it’ll be something they know they aren’t supposed to do. Duh.
I had never seen any of the parents until this weekend. The youngest little girl I’d seen was talking to this woman who was on her way somewhere. I don’t mean to come off sounding like a prude but the outfit this woman was wearing was….scandalous to say the least. Everything God gave her to identify her as a woman was hanging out for the world to see. There was a man waiting for her in an Escalade with a boomin’ system. The woman is waving the little girl away as she’s reaching out for her and following her. The look on the woman's face tells me she’s irritated that the little girl wants her attention and she’s ready to go have fun with her man friend. It’s 85 degrees in the shade outside and she wants the little girl to just leave her alone and go back to sitting in the concrete parking lot, alone. The little girl finally turns around to start walking back towards the houses and I can see she is devastated. She’s crying so hard she can barely see where she is going. The lady stops for a second and watches her, finally I see her face soften a little bit and she walks over to the baby girl and pats her on the shoulder then turns back around and walks to the car and leaves. The little girl is sobbing. It’s so heartbreaking watching her, all alone, crying. How that woman could walk away without picking her up, holding her, drying her tears….I was even crying for heaven’s sake! I felt so bad for her, here I am, listening to music in the a/c, making delicious cookies, having a great time and there she is, all alone and crying out in the hot sun.
Throughout the day I see all of them, just wandering around, trying to amuse themselves. They don’t have any toys, only a couple of them have bikes, absolutely nothing to do but be invisible. I don’t even know if there are actually adults home or not. I’m not sure if they are sitting inside watching t.v. or at work or hangin’ at the bar with their friends or sitting inside getting high…who the hell knows. I don’t really know what to do.
I keep thinking about calling child protection services. But is that the right call? I don’t know that taking them away from whatever parent situation they have is right, what is waiting for them after that? Foster homes? Putting a child in the system at such a young age….I just don’t know if that is the right call. I don't want to turn a blind eye and be another person who lets them slip through the cracks. I also don't want to take away what little security they have and send them into a foster care world that I have serious reservations about. I guess what I’ve decided is that I am going to call child protection services and just see what happens when someone reports someone else. Anonymously of course. I don't want any of that action knocking on my front door. I don’t know a thing about how the system works and educating myself firstly would probably be the best way to go about it.
A whole generation of inner city kids are raising themselves. And we all watch the news and look at the crime in our neighborhoods and wonder how it all go so messed up. Parking lot kids. It just breaks my heart.
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
I apologize for my long absence, we haven’t had internet for nearly a month now and likely won’t have it for a couple of weeks more. I am able to get online where I work but have been….trepidatious about posting here. Everything we access online while at work can be monitored, whether or not it actually is- hard to say. Paranoia has gotten me pretty far in life without too many slip-ups so I’m always inclined towards the paranoid.
It’s been so long since I posted though and I’ve been itching to get back to it so I’m just going for it. I don’t have much on the Wicca front to speak of- which is initially why I shied away from writing (before the move and loss of internet.) I had all of these big plans for how organized and efficient I was going to be in the new house. A lot of those plans included my revamped study/practice regime for my Wiccan studies.
So far we are still wading through boxes. What we have gotten done I am very happy with- we’ve been pretty on top of figuring out ways to maximize the space we now have versus the lack of shelving/storage. It’s nice to be in a town-home again as opposed to the one bedroom apartment. Our other place was very cozy and it was nice to have it just be the two of us but luckily we’ve got a wonderful roommate who is easy to live with and a very close friend so all’s well.
Our actual place is pretty nice, there was quite a bit that needed to be done with it upon moving in, every one of the sinks were leaking, there was little to no cleaning done by the previous tenants upon move-out and we’ve got far too much stuff for the space but all of these things have been being worked out.
One thing I’ve been loving is our kitchen.
It’s much bigger than our last kitchen and I’m finally able to have all of our appliances within reach (even though I’m still not able to have them all in the actual kitchen…sigh). I’m getting ready to launch my big cooking/juicing campaign. The farmer’s markets are getting into full swing again and just in time too cause my scale tells me I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost before the wedding. BOOO, HISSS!! We’ve got to recommit to eating right (and not eating out for nearly every meal) as well as working out. We dropped the gym membership to save some money and so it’s up to me to figure out a home work out plan that does the trick.
So, very little actual info here, just a big long rambling post about being in transition. I’m so ready to get cooking, painting, crafting, studying, all of it. But it looks like I must be patient a little longer.
It’s been so long since I posted though and I’ve been itching to get back to it so I’m just going for it. I don’t have much on the Wicca front to speak of- which is initially why I shied away from writing (before the move and loss of internet.) I had all of these big plans for how organized and efficient I was going to be in the new house. A lot of those plans included my revamped study/practice regime for my Wiccan studies.
So far we are still wading through boxes. What we have gotten done I am very happy with- we’ve been pretty on top of figuring out ways to maximize the space we now have versus the lack of shelving/storage. It’s nice to be in a town-home again as opposed to the one bedroom apartment. Our other place was very cozy and it was nice to have it just be the two of us but luckily we’ve got a wonderful roommate who is easy to live with and a very close friend so all’s well.
Our actual place is pretty nice, there was quite a bit that needed to be done with it upon moving in, every one of the sinks were leaking, there was little to no cleaning done by the previous tenants upon move-out and we’ve got far too much stuff for the space but all of these things have been being worked out.
One thing I’ve been loving is our kitchen.
It’s much bigger than our last kitchen and I’m finally able to have all of our appliances within reach (even though I’m still not able to have them all in the actual kitchen…sigh). I’m getting ready to launch my big cooking/juicing campaign. The farmer’s markets are getting into full swing again and just in time too cause my scale tells me I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost before the wedding. BOOO, HISSS!! We’ve got to recommit to eating right (and not eating out for nearly every meal) as well as working out. We dropped the gym membership to save some money and so it’s up to me to figure out a home work out plan that does the trick.
So, very little actual info here, just a big long rambling post about being in transition. I’m so ready to get cooking, painting, crafting, studying, all of it. But it looks like I must be patient a little longer.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Body Electric
Now that one project has finished it is time to begin another~
My new projects are ambitious but then again so was the wedding and the self transformation boot camp I put myself through. And while I'm not done with working out and changing my eating I'm taking a little different approach. I've started reading more about organics and sustainable farming. I'm teaching myself how to shop and how to cook differently. I even bought a juicer! I've got a fast/detox looming on the horizon. I've got to learn how to eat and cook properly before baby!
My studies have sadly fallen by the wayside of late with Swan. I'm meeting her later this month...it bums me out we've stalled and I've got to do something about it. Step it up. Remember daily spiritual practice? Remember your dedication vows? Arg.
Oh, and aside from moving (again) I'm starting to prep for an art show in August. I've got big aspirations, we'll see. Finishing artwork is not something I'm familiar with...
Okay, my break is over, back to painting, just wanted to pop in....
My new projects are ambitious but then again so was the wedding and the self transformation boot camp I put myself through. And while I'm not done with working out and changing my eating I'm taking a little different approach. I've started reading more about organics and sustainable farming. I'm teaching myself how to shop and how to cook differently. I even bought a juicer! I've got a fast/detox looming on the horizon. I've got to learn how to eat and cook properly before baby!
My studies have sadly fallen by the wayside of late with Swan. I'm meeting her later this month...it bums me out we've stalled and I've got to do something about it. Step it up. Remember daily spiritual practice? Remember your dedication vows? Arg.
Oh, and aside from moving (again) I'm starting to prep for an art show in August. I've got big aspirations, we'll see. Finishing artwork is not something I'm familiar with...
Okay, my break is over, back to painting, just wanted to pop in....
Sunday, May 10, 2009
oh well
i was almost a mother.
mother's day still makes me just a little sad.
i wonder if my friends and family remember my almost motherhood today?
oh well.
sigh
mother's day still makes me just a little sad.
i wonder if my friends and family remember my almost motherhood today?
oh well.
sigh
Saturday, May 2, 2009
peek-a-boo
i'm not gone, just on sabbatical.
i'm cooking up some new projects, a new regime now that the wedding regime has ended.
stay tuned.
i'm cooking up some new projects, a new regime now that the wedding regime has ended.
stay tuned.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Takin' Some Time
I keep telling myself I've got far far too many other things I should be doing instead of writing on this blog but y'know what? I never write anymore. Not just here, but anywhere. No journaling. No poetry. No fiction. It sucks. And frankly I don't feel up to writing anywhere else so I'm going to do a little rambling here.
Bear with me as I muse about weddings.
I'm getting married in April. Pretty soon huh? Don't I know it.
Early on people (firstly my mom of course) told me to "be careful, weddings take on a life of their own, don't let this one become a beast!" I scoffed. (Yeah, I'm a scoffer ;)
Foolishly I thought, "not me, not my wedding. I'm going to keep it simple and under control."
Riiiiiiiggght.
The problem has not been outside pressure or an urge to please others, no disagreements between my fiance and myself. My problem is simply.....me. At first I was going super duper simple. No favors. No chair covers/sashes. I'll take the cake they offer for free and not really care what it looks like. On and on.
As time wore on I became increasingly inspired. Doesn't sound like a bad thing but trust me when I say inspired (for me) is anything but simple. I became obsessed with the centerpieces. The only decoration we are doing is the tables. We aren't doing any special lighting, no big floral arrangements, just tables. So in my mind they needed to be utterly spectacular tables. How to create spectacular tables on a very tight budget? That was my mission. Well, the one thing that didn't change in the end is that we aren't hanging any special decorative lighting and we still aren't doing any big floral arrangements.
We are however not taking their cake, I saw pictures and it's just poop. I was shocked at how bad it looked, really. Anywho, we found a great lady who is going to make us a fabulous cake. A cake I still have to desing... We scored free chair covers out of the deal since the cake was part of the package price we traded it for nice white chair covers. I saw their chairs. Lame. They are a dark maroon color when the drapes and color palette is all dark green and cream. Weird. Our wedding colors are a bright chartreuse green & crisp white. (Incidentally those are the colors of my dress as well, ;~)
I went around and around with myself on the tables looking for just the right thing to spark THE VISION. I wish I had a meter on the Internet at work & home so I could see just how many hours I scoured the web. There is a staggering amount of shit on the web that is related to weddings. It's no shit that it is a 40-70 BILLION dollar a year industry. Numbers are shaky hence the huge gap but there are so many independent people who own shops or work out of their homes that do not contribute to the statistics that it's hard to get an accurate account. It's reported that the average wedding in the U.S. costs $28,000.00.
Hard to believe. The only person I know that even comes close to that number is someone I work with who said her wedding came in at about $25,000.00. Not including the honeymoon. Most people I know don't even come remotely close to that number but I don't doubt that it's possible.
Selling fairy tales is a big business. Selling status is an even bigger one.
I worked some weddings at the country club I used to slave for that were re-dic-ulous. Waaay over the top. Whateva. It's not my thing but don't get the idea that I look down on others who do it that way, to each their own. I would rather spend my money on stuff to do while I'm there.
It looks like I'm actually going to make my predicted budget of $5-6,000.00 . It is a destination wedding, so of course it's going to be a little spendy. But that's why we waited so long so that we could be in a position to do it the way we always dreamed. Tropical. Vacation with all of our close friends and family. Oh yeah.
Okay, so I should quit crying but this really has turned into such a fiasco. Ultimately the tables are going to be a vision. I've received most of the stuff that will be going on the tables and it's all divine. I'll post pics of the reception, promise.
I had a moment of divine inspiration for the tables. It was weird, it came to me in a flash and it was completely perfect, completely me, completely unique. Somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't really want a simple no frills wedding because in the end what I am doing is throwing a party for myself, for him and for all of our friends and family and dammit, I'm going to show them how it's done! (he he he) I've always enjoyed throwing people birthday parties, being the hostess is a tough job but pretty damn fun too. And because I did log in all those hours I was able to get some pretty sweet deals on everything. I haven't paid full price for anything yet except my dress, his clothes and the flowers.
That said, I'm so tired of planning. I just want the fun part to start already. I can't imagine those brave souls that have hundreds of guests. I've got 30 and it's a bit much. Then again, the most stressful part has been handling every one's lodging for the week. Asking people for $$$$ is never fun. Having to demand it because they won't adhere to deadlines is double not fun.
Soon it will all be worth it. I just keep looking at the pictures I've got in my head.
Oh, and I'm two sizes smaller now thanks to spending half my life at the gym. It's worth it though, there's just no freakin' short cuts to getting slim and feeling better. Damn it. It's true.
On a side note:
Anyone down with Poetry Daily? There is some inspired work on this site.
http://poems.com/
How 'bout Verse Daily?
http://www.versedaily.org/index.shtml
That's my little poetry nudge.
~Peace out~
~Blessings~
Bear with me as I muse about weddings.
I'm getting married in April. Pretty soon huh? Don't I know it.
Early on people (firstly my mom of course) told me to "be careful, weddings take on a life of their own, don't let this one become a beast!" I scoffed. (Yeah, I'm a scoffer ;)
Foolishly I thought, "not me, not my wedding. I'm going to keep it simple and under control."
Riiiiiiiggght.
The problem has not been outside pressure or an urge to please others, no disagreements between my fiance and myself. My problem is simply.....me. At first I was going super duper simple. No favors. No chair covers/sashes. I'll take the cake they offer for free and not really care what it looks like. On and on.
As time wore on I became increasingly inspired. Doesn't sound like a bad thing but trust me when I say inspired (for me) is anything but simple. I became obsessed with the centerpieces. The only decoration we are doing is the tables. We aren't doing any special lighting, no big floral arrangements, just tables. So in my mind they needed to be utterly spectacular tables. How to create spectacular tables on a very tight budget? That was my mission. Well, the one thing that didn't change in the end is that we aren't hanging any special decorative lighting and we still aren't doing any big floral arrangements.
We are however not taking their cake, I saw pictures and it's just poop. I was shocked at how bad it looked, really. Anywho, we found a great lady who is going to make us a fabulous cake. A cake I still have to desing... We scored free chair covers out of the deal since the cake was part of the package price we traded it for nice white chair covers. I saw their chairs. Lame. They are a dark maroon color when the drapes and color palette is all dark green and cream. Weird. Our wedding colors are a bright chartreuse green & crisp white. (Incidentally those are the colors of my dress as well, ;~)
I went around and around with myself on the tables looking for just the right thing to spark THE VISION. I wish I had a meter on the Internet at work & home so I could see just how many hours I scoured the web. There is a staggering amount of shit on the web that is related to weddings. It's no shit that it is a 40-70 BILLION dollar a year industry. Numbers are shaky hence the huge gap but there are so many independent people who own shops or work out of their homes that do not contribute to the statistics that it's hard to get an accurate account. It's reported that the average wedding in the U.S. costs $28,000.00.
Hard to believe. The only person I know that even comes close to that number is someone I work with who said her wedding came in at about $25,000.00. Not including the honeymoon. Most people I know don't even come remotely close to that number but I don't doubt that it's possible.
Selling fairy tales is a big business. Selling status is an even bigger one.
I worked some weddings at the country club I used to slave for that were re-dic-ulous. Waaay over the top. Whateva. It's not my thing but don't get the idea that I look down on others who do it that way, to each their own. I would rather spend my money on stuff to do while I'm there.
It looks like I'm actually going to make my predicted budget of $5-6,000.00 . It is a destination wedding, so of course it's going to be a little spendy. But that's why we waited so long so that we could be in a position to do it the way we always dreamed. Tropical. Vacation with all of our close friends and family. Oh yeah.
Okay, so I should quit crying but this really has turned into such a fiasco. Ultimately the tables are going to be a vision. I've received most of the stuff that will be going on the tables and it's all divine. I'll post pics of the reception, promise.
I had a moment of divine inspiration for the tables. It was weird, it came to me in a flash and it was completely perfect, completely me, completely unique. Somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't really want a simple no frills wedding because in the end what I am doing is throwing a party for myself, for him and for all of our friends and family and dammit, I'm going to show them how it's done! (he he he) I've always enjoyed throwing people birthday parties, being the hostess is a tough job but pretty damn fun too. And because I did log in all those hours I was able to get some pretty sweet deals on everything. I haven't paid full price for anything yet except my dress, his clothes and the flowers.
That said, I'm so tired of planning. I just want the fun part to start already. I can't imagine those brave souls that have hundreds of guests. I've got 30 and it's a bit much. Then again, the most stressful part has been handling every one's lodging for the week. Asking people for $$$$ is never fun. Having to demand it because they won't adhere to deadlines is double not fun.
Soon it will all be worth it. I just keep looking at the pictures I've got in my head.
Oh, and I'm two sizes smaller now thanks to spending half my life at the gym. It's worth it though, there's just no freakin' short cuts to getting slim and feeling better. Damn it. It's true.
On a side note:
Anyone down with Poetry Daily? There is some inspired work on this site.
http://poems.com/
How 'bout Verse Daily?
http://www.versedaily.org/index.shtml
That's my little poetry nudge.
~Peace out~
~Blessings~
Saturday, February 14, 2009
musing....
All of a sudden I find that I've finally got some time to myself.
It is so rare that I have time alone. For one we live in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment and the other is that I work with my fiance. Every errand, everything we usually do together. One might find it ironic that I am reveling in being alone on Valentine's Day but I guess I'm cool with it because besides loving him, I love myself too.
Plus, I give him far more loving attention than I do myself. I work out nearly every day now which I feel like is giving myself love....a, uh...strict sort of love...but it's for my well being after all. That's really about it.
So I laid in bed and read this morning. Glorious. A good day starts with being able to rejoice in the silky smoothness of being in bed. It's my favorite piece of furniture.
Now what?
It is so rare that I have time alone. For one we live in a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment and the other is that I work with my fiance. Every errand, everything we usually do together. One might find it ironic that I am reveling in being alone on Valentine's Day but I guess I'm cool with it because besides loving him, I love myself too.
Plus, I give him far more loving attention than I do myself. I work out nearly every day now which I feel like is giving myself love....a, uh...strict sort of love...but it's for my well being after all. That's really about it.
So I laid in bed and read this morning. Glorious. A good day starts with being able to rejoice in the silky smoothness of being in bed. It's my favorite piece of furniture.
Now what?
Friday, February 13, 2009
A Long Time Coming (home)
One year. One day.
I'm a student again (formally) and I am so excited and so proud. I can honestly say I am proud of myself for making this happen. Or maybe I should say for allowing it to happen. I know for sure that the path to Witchcraft was paved by the Goddess and God. Too many things all came together in the right sequence to see it any other way. Amazingly I was smart enough and determined to take all the right steps. Steps home.
This whole experience has given me irrefutable belief that reincarnation exists. Sure I've been working on getting here my whole life with every experience and all of the soul searching I've done. Yet as I learn 'new' things I realize that while I know I haven't come across it previously I totally understand it and know right away if it is something I personally believe. I haven't told Swan this, she might think I'm being arrogant. The facts & details of the above mentioned things isn't necessarily clear but I recognize ideas/philosophies instantly some times, more often it happens over a period of a few hours. I don't know, I'm not very good at explaining it I think...
Swan is the most amazing mentor ever. She is everything I could wish for in a teacher. She is one of the only people I've ever felt is truly genuine. She truly lives as she believes. I know she isn't necessarily perfect but I gotta tell you she seems pretty perfect to me so far. And the most impressive thing is that it has been a work in progress. She has struggled but in the end she was able to consciously change herself into the person she wanted to be. Her sincere self. Genuine self. With her will and her own personal power she has sculpted her life. She embodies the word Witch.
This is a truly transformative path I am walking, walking for exactly a year and a day.
Then I'll run.
I'm a student again (formally) and I am so excited and so proud. I can honestly say I am proud of myself for making this happen. Or maybe I should say for allowing it to happen. I know for sure that the path to Witchcraft was paved by the Goddess and God. Too many things all came together in the right sequence to see it any other way. Amazingly I was smart enough and determined to take all the right steps. Steps home.
This whole experience has given me irrefutable belief that reincarnation exists. Sure I've been working on getting here my whole life with every experience and all of the soul searching I've done. Yet as I learn 'new' things I realize that while I know I haven't come across it previously I totally understand it and know right away if it is something I personally believe. I haven't told Swan this, she might think I'm being arrogant. The facts & details of the above mentioned things isn't necessarily clear but I recognize ideas/philosophies instantly some times, more often it happens over a period of a few hours. I don't know, I'm not very good at explaining it I think...
Swan is the most amazing mentor ever. She is everything I could wish for in a teacher. She is one of the only people I've ever felt is truly genuine. She truly lives as she believes. I know she isn't necessarily perfect but I gotta tell you she seems pretty perfect to me so far. And the most impressive thing is that it has been a work in progress. She has struggled but in the end she was able to consciously change herself into the person she wanted to be. Her sincere self. Genuine self. With her will and her own personal power she has sculpted her life. She embodies the word Witch.
This is a truly transformative path I am walking, walking for exactly a year and a day.
Then I'll run.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Tick tock
I'm still learning how to be a Witch.
Life is a blur these days but I will return, promise.
Jus' sendin' a little love on this Winter night~
Life is a blur these days but I will return, promise.
Jus' sendin' a little love on this Winter night~
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Long Night Moon
Happy Holidays!
Looks like I've got some catching up to do!
I got thrown out of orbit this last couple of weeks and am just now getting back to...well, everything.
This has been the strangest month and I suspect the Moon is the culprit. On December 12 we experienced the closest full moon since 1993. If one were to doubt the influence of the full moon (as well as new moon) they might do well to take note of the extra high spring tides along the ocean shoreline. The effects of the full moon were exaggerated this month due to the proximity of the Moon to Earth and I was feeling it for sure.
In short, I was a wreck. My emotions were ping-ponging around inside of me creating a nervous energy that was tiring and stressful. I was a little shocked at some of the things that came out of my mouth. I cried. And I cried. A lot. My body ached, I've had a neck & back ache accompanied by a headache for the bulk of the month so far.
Coming to the understanding that it was the lunar energy that was spinning me out I wonder if I knew more about attuning my energy if I couldn't have processed all of that differently and seen more positive effects. I suppose in 8 years I'll be far enough along in my Witchy ways that I'll be ready.
Oh, and did I mention- my birthday was on the 13th?
Not a good day. I'll spare you the details but every intention to make it a joyous occasion fell through. Even when I resigned myself to the idea that it would just be a day for catching up on errands and getting things & stuff accomplished....no go. In the end I just ended up going home, crawling back into bed and crying for the next few hours.
Alas, do not fret-
The light at the end of the tunnel for that day was weed & booze. I decided the best course of action was to smoke as much as I needed to elevate my mood. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work. Sounds of water bubbling and coughing filled the night. Ultimately, success. A nice long conversation with my mom helped as well.
My man friend had to work that day and was intent on taking me out to dinner afterward to which I had protested, crying in the restaurant on my birthday just seemed too pathetic. Now that Mary Jane would be joining me I was bolstered and thought I just might be able to go and possibly enjoy myself. It pretty much mostly worked. I wasn't joyous but I managed not to cry and take down two stiff drinks (top shelf mojito & long island ice tea) as well as a piece of spectacular cheesecake. I do love cheesecake.
I missed three days of work when my 'monthly visitor' arrived. I was in so much pain and so emotional I could hardly stand myself. I had to cancel a full week of appointments. Hmmmm, happy holidays indeed. I am looking forward to my vacation that will be starting in two days. Once I'm on that jet plane I'll really be flying high.
On another note, I am going to be having my Dedication ritual with my mentor on Jan. 9th. Yikes. I've got so much work to do for that I'll be working hard during vacation but at least that's all I'll be focusing on. Besides fun, I'll be focused on that too. Oh, and I've got to pick my witch name as well. I've got a couple of ideas I'm tossing around....that's a toughie.
Any pointers on how to choose? Any resources anyone would like to name? I'm all ears. (I love that saying ;)
A very sincere wish for bountiful blessings for all the world over, may each and every person on this earth know love and banish fear~
~Happy Holidays~
Looks like I've got some catching up to do!
I got thrown out of orbit this last couple of weeks and am just now getting back to...well, everything.
This has been the strangest month and I suspect the Moon is the culprit. On December 12 we experienced the closest full moon since 1993. If one were to doubt the influence of the full moon (as well as new moon) they might do well to take note of the extra high spring tides along the ocean shoreline. The effects of the full moon were exaggerated this month due to the proximity of the Moon to Earth and I was feeling it for sure.
In short, I was a wreck. My emotions were ping-ponging around inside of me creating a nervous energy that was tiring and stressful. I was a little shocked at some of the things that came out of my mouth. I cried. And I cried. A lot. My body ached, I've had a neck & back ache accompanied by a headache for the bulk of the month so far.
Coming to the understanding that it was the lunar energy that was spinning me out I wonder if I knew more about attuning my energy if I couldn't have processed all of that differently and seen more positive effects. I suppose in 8 years I'll be far enough along in my Witchy ways that I'll be ready.
Oh, and did I mention- my birthday was on the 13th?
Not a good day. I'll spare you the details but every intention to make it a joyous occasion fell through. Even when I resigned myself to the idea that it would just be a day for catching up on errands and getting things & stuff accomplished....no go. In the end I just ended up going home, crawling back into bed and crying for the next few hours.
Alas, do not fret-
The light at the end of the tunnel for that day was weed & booze. I decided the best course of action was to smoke as much as I needed to elevate my mood. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work. Sounds of water bubbling and coughing filled the night. Ultimately, success. A nice long conversation with my mom helped as well.
My man friend had to work that day and was intent on taking me out to dinner afterward to which I had protested, crying in the restaurant on my birthday just seemed too pathetic. Now that Mary Jane would be joining me I was bolstered and thought I just might be able to go and possibly enjoy myself. It pretty much mostly worked. I wasn't joyous but I managed not to cry and take down two stiff drinks (top shelf mojito & long island ice tea) as well as a piece of spectacular cheesecake. I do love cheesecake.
I missed three days of work when my 'monthly visitor' arrived. I was in so much pain and so emotional I could hardly stand myself. I had to cancel a full week of appointments. Hmmmm, happy holidays indeed. I am looking forward to my vacation that will be starting in two days. Once I'm on that jet plane I'll really be flying high.
On another note, I am going to be having my Dedication ritual with my mentor on Jan. 9th. Yikes. I've got so much work to do for that I'll be working hard during vacation but at least that's all I'll be focusing on. Besides fun, I'll be focused on that too. Oh, and I've got to pick my witch name as well. I've got a couple of ideas I'm tossing around....that's a toughie.
Any pointers on how to choose? Any resources anyone would like to name? I'm all ears. (I love that saying ;)
A very sincere wish for bountiful blessings for all the world over, may each and every person on this earth know love and banish fear~
~Happy Holidays~
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Shape of the Day
I know that if we were to harness the power of our minds we could do anything.
I know lots of stuff.
But do I really believe it? Enough to live it?
I had a talk with myself yesterday about the power of intention. I told myself that we DO believe we can change anything we want to. That we DO have the power to make our life whatever it is we aspire to. It IS possible. And we're doing it.
Slowly but surely.
I am truly making an effort to become the person I know I can be.
It's a slow and often painful process but as we've all heard before, each day is an opportunity to make a different choice. I am practicing being compassionate towards myself for my slip ups while at the same time still pushing to make progress.
I'm attempting to turn over my life, shake out all the bugs and grow higher and stronger than ever before.
In taking control of my health I am seeking to create unity between myself and Divinity. To create balance. I'm working at taking all of the loose strings, my poor health, my shriveled ambition, my hunger for spiritual fulfillment, my displeasure with my habit of 'wasting' time, multitudes of unfinished projects, my poor nutritional habits, my inability to budget money, my lack of self discipline, and I am attempting to pull them all together and turn them from ragged strings into a dazzling weave of dreams realized and potential fulfilled.
I'm going to the gym 5-6 times a week now, I'm doing better about my diet though I'm not obsessing over it, I've practiced centering a few times (still need much more practice!), working on the wedding planning some more, and cleaned my house finally!!!!
I'm getting there. I'm trying and I know that is all I can do.
One year ago today we lost our baby in a miscarriage. When I look at where I was a year ago I feel a sense of accomplishment and can see the ample blessings that have been showered upon me. I feel I have made major strides, realized a lot of the goals I set for myself. Looking back helps me to see more clearly where I am now. One year ago today.
Sigh.
Day by day.
I know lots of stuff.
But do I really believe it? Enough to live it?
I had a talk with myself yesterday about the power of intention. I told myself that we DO believe we can change anything we want to. That we DO have the power to make our life whatever it is we aspire to. It IS possible. And we're doing it.
Slowly but surely.
I am truly making an effort to become the person I know I can be.
It's a slow and often painful process but as we've all heard before, each day is an opportunity to make a different choice. I am practicing being compassionate towards myself for my slip ups while at the same time still pushing to make progress.
I'm attempting to turn over my life, shake out all the bugs and grow higher and stronger than ever before.
In taking control of my health I am seeking to create unity between myself and Divinity. To create balance. I'm working at taking all of the loose strings, my poor health, my shriveled ambition, my hunger for spiritual fulfillment, my displeasure with my habit of 'wasting' time, multitudes of unfinished projects, my poor nutritional habits, my inability to budget money, my lack of self discipline, and I am attempting to pull them all together and turn them from ragged strings into a dazzling weave of dreams realized and potential fulfilled.
I'm going to the gym 5-6 times a week now, I'm doing better about my diet though I'm not obsessing over it, I've practiced centering a few times (still need much more practice!), working on the wedding planning some more, and cleaned my house finally!!!!
I'm getting there. I'm trying and I know that is all I can do.
One year ago today we lost our baby in a miscarriage. When I look at where I was a year ago I feel a sense of accomplishment and can see the ample blessings that have been showered upon me. I feel I have made major strides, realized a lot of the goals I set for myself. Looking back helps me to see more clearly where I am now. One year ago today.
Sigh.
Day by day.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Centering 101
My first practical assignment is to practice centering.
Any recommendations?
This is tough.
I don't really know if I'm doing it 'right'....
(Since I do not have my mentor's permission to use her name I will give her a name so I can quit referring to her as 'mentor'. Her name is now Swan.)
Swan and I had a great conversation about being present in your body, being aware of your body and some suggestions for centering. We tried it for a minute and I did feel a slight change, a mellowness and a.....stability (seems like a weird word to use..) that wasn't there before.
Interestingly this whole practice sheds light on something I have been actively working through for the last 6 mo or so. The dreaded 'Body Issues'. Yeah. Icky stuff.
One thing I have realized recently is that I have a resentment towards my body. I feel like it has betrayed me by hurting so much and being so out of whack. So, on a conscious level I know that the only reason it's behaving this way is a direct result of the way that I treat it but childishly I feel like it should supersede my tomfoolery. I could understand it if I were like....60 or something but the fact that I am only 30 and have so many health problems seems wimpy.
The resentment extends past my physical illness' to my sexuality. I was one of those girls that developed early and with that development came a whole lot of lessons, trials and tribulations that I had to deal with at a very early age. Too early I think. In many many ways my developing body took away the last few good years of what should have been my childhood and made me painfully aware of my approaching womanhood.
So, over the years I've learned to take myself out of my body. Now, trying to 'come back' has been difficult. I have only been taking notice of my body when it is in pain, otherwise I don't pay it much attention, I live mainly in my mind.
Plus, how do I know when I'm doing it? What does centering feel like?
Questions, questions, questions.......
Any recommendations?
This is tough.
I don't really know if I'm doing it 'right'....
(Since I do not have my mentor's permission to use her name I will give her a name so I can quit referring to her as 'mentor'. Her name is now Swan.)
Swan and I had a great conversation about being present in your body, being aware of your body and some suggestions for centering. We tried it for a minute and I did feel a slight change, a mellowness and a.....stability (seems like a weird word to use..) that wasn't there before.
Interestingly this whole practice sheds light on something I have been actively working through for the last 6 mo or so. The dreaded 'Body Issues'. Yeah. Icky stuff.
One thing I have realized recently is that I have a resentment towards my body. I feel like it has betrayed me by hurting so much and being so out of whack. So, on a conscious level I know that the only reason it's behaving this way is a direct result of the way that I treat it but childishly I feel like it should supersede my tomfoolery. I could understand it if I were like....60 or something but the fact that I am only 30 and have so many health problems seems wimpy.
The resentment extends past my physical illness' to my sexuality. I was one of those girls that developed early and with that development came a whole lot of lessons, trials and tribulations that I had to deal with at a very early age. Too early I think. In many many ways my developing body took away the last few good years of what should have been my childhood and made me painfully aware of my approaching womanhood.
So, over the years I've learned to take myself out of my body. Now, trying to 'come back' has been difficult. I have only been taking notice of my body when it is in pain, otherwise I don't pay it much attention, I live mainly in my mind.
Plus, how do I know when I'm doing it? What does centering feel like?
Questions, questions, questions.......
Monday, November 10, 2008
The wheel of the year goes round and round
I have no idea where or why the song 'wheels on the bus' is stuck in my head but it is.
I am happy to report many wonderful things happening in my world.
Firstly:
Barack Obama.
I feel like our country passed an IQ test when they elected him. I don't think he is the answer to all of our problems, after all he is just another figurehead but what I do respond to is that he is DIFFERENT. He has a fresh optimism, a true spirit of teamwork, he believes that we can change for the better and he has inspired people in our country to hope for better days as well. That's good enough for me. I'm so sick of seeing what is essentially the same guy up there saying the same things, spewing messages of fear, issuing threats. The acceptance speech Obama made was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.
Second:
I had no idea when my contemporary offered to mentor me that she was offering to be my full blown teacher for my year and a day training. I thought perhaps she was offering to answer emails if I had a question now and again. Nope. She's in it for the long haul!! We are even talking about doing a dedication ceremony come Yule time.
We've met a couple of times so far and it's been truly wonderful. She did our natal charts both as separate people and then for how we work as a pair and it's very encouraging! I love that we began our work together after having gone over our charts together and really opened up to each other about who we really are. Very refreshing.
The last time we met we began working on centering. This is brand new territory for me, it's a difficult thing for me to grasp for some reason. I don't have very acute awareness of my body, we've sort of been in a show-down for a long time now. It gives me lots of grief and I've not been very kind to it either. Quite the project.
And there's writing. Lots of writing. She likes to give essay topics which is great, writing is a fabulous way for me to communicate and I don't do nearly enough writing these days. My poor journal has dust on it!
How is it I feel I never have the time to really accomplish all the things I want to do? I've really been putting the pressure on myself to manage my time more effectively these days.
Thirdly:
I've begun going to the gym with regularity. Just when I thought I couldn't afford a personal trainer my gym ran a half off special on Halloween day and viola! I have a pile of sessions for three months. I also seceded to have the sessions be my birthday present from my man & my parents as well so that will help me 'explain' the cost. Plus I've been telling myself it is a wedding expense.
All last week I was so sore I could barely walk so I only made it to the gym for my training sessions, this week I'm going to try to make it in there on my off days for my cardio workout. One day at a time right? And of course I continue to work on my diet, I've been trying to steer clear of the frozen 'Lean Cuisine' type foods and eat 'real' food but make it calorically correct...I feel a little shaky about this but I refuse to go back to the strictly frozen food diet. It's just not natural.
And fourthly:
(Is fourthly a word? I suppose it is now!)
It snowed here! Just a little bit, enough to blanket the trees and cover the ground though it was gone in a couple of hours, it was astounding. I got up early after not being able to sleep and came out to the living room to say good morning to my kitty and there it was! I felt that squeeze in my heart I that I get when the first snow falls, I can feel it still. The change of the seasons is so truly miraculous, it touches my soul each and every time.
To anyone, everyone who might read this, I hope these words find you in a state of grace today.
Blessed be~
I am happy to report many wonderful things happening in my world.
Firstly:
Barack Obama.
I feel like our country passed an IQ test when they elected him. I don't think he is the answer to all of our problems, after all he is just another figurehead but what I do respond to is that he is DIFFERENT. He has a fresh optimism, a true spirit of teamwork, he believes that we can change for the better and he has inspired people in our country to hope for better days as well. That's good enough for me. I'm so sick of seeing what is essentially the same guy up there saying the same things, spewing messages of fear, issuing threats. The acceptance speech Obama made was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.
Second:
I had no idea when my contemporary offered to mentor me that she was offering to be my full blown teacher for my year and a day training. I thought perhaps she was offering to answer emails if I had a question now and again. Nope. She's in it for the long haul!! We are even talking about doing a dedication ceremony come Yule time.
We've met a couple of times so far and it's been truly wonderful. She did our natal charts both as separate people and then for how we work as a pair and it's very encouraging! I love that we began our work together after having gone over our charts together and really opened up to each other about who we really are. Very refreshing.
The last time we met we began working on centering. This is brand new territory for me, it's a difficult thing for me to grasp for some reason. I don't have very acute awareness of my body, we've sort of been in a show-down for a long time now. It gives me lots of grief and I've not been very kind to it either. Quite the project.
And there's writing. Lots of writing. She likes to give essay topics which is great, writing is a fabulous way for me to communicate and I don't do nearly enough writing these days. My poor journal has dust on it!
How is it I feel I never have the time to really accomplish all the things I want to do? I've really been putting the pressure on myself to manage my time more effectively these days.
Thirdly:
I've begun going to the gym with regularity. Just when I thought I couldn't afford a personal trainer my gym ran a half off special on Halloween day and viola! I have a pile of sessions for three months. I also seceded to have the sessions be my birthday present from my man & my parents as well so that will help me 'explain' the cost. Plus I've been telling myself it is a wedding expense.
All last week I was so sore I could barely walk so I only made it to the gym for my training sessions, this week I'm going to try to make it in there on my off days for my cardio workout. One day at a time right? And of course I continue to work on my diet, I've been trying to steer clear of the frozen 'Lean Cuisine' type foods and eat 'real' food but make it calorically correct...I feel a little shaky about this but I refuse to go back to the strictly frozen food diet. It's just not natural.
And fourthly:
(Is fourthly a word? I suppose it is now!)
It snowed here! Just a little bit, enough to blanket the trees and cover the ground though it was gone in a couple of hours, it was astounding. I got up early after not being able to sleep and came out to the living room to say good morning to my kitty and there it was! I felt that squeeze in my heart I that I get when the first snow falls, I can feel it still. The change of the seasons is so truly miraculous, it touches my soul each and every time.
To anyone, everyone who might read this, I hope these words find you in a state of grace today.
Blessed be~
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