From there to here

How I got here from there is a story that I feel warrants telling.

This is a story of answered prayers and confirmation of the divine presence in my life.

All of my life I have wrestled between a profound longing for a deep connection to the divine and being content to go about my pleasure seeking, not always positive- life.

About two years ago I dropped out of college for the second time. I have a track record of not following through with things and this was just another one to add to the list. I had my reasons for dropping out and although I was/am happy with those reasons, I felt the sting of disappointment of those around me all the same. Suddenly my days were wide open, without school to focus on I turned to job hunting but wasn't having a lot of immediate luck. Sitting in my apartment for weeks, staring into the abyss of my computer I grew more and more depressed. All of the familiar questions were rattling around in my head; "There has to be more than this right? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life? Is there really a God/Goddess out there listening? What is wrong with me?"

I wandered in and out of depression for the next two years, like I had so many times before. Caught between wanting to do something meaningful and positive with my life and feeling helpless to change myself and/or my circumstances.

While working an unfulfilling job with no real prospects on the horizon I felt like I had finally reached the end of my tolerance for this poor excuse of a life. I was completely unfulfilled in nearly ever aspect of my life and had finally grown tired of it enough to dedicate myself towards making a change. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to change for the better.

I restarted my research into Wicca & Witchcraft and found a lot of comfort in the writings & podcasts, they made me feel lighter, more positive. They helped me to see that the responsibility of my life lay in my hands. That there wasn't going to be a big booming voice from the sky saying "you should apply for _____________ job, it is your life's work." I had been wanting the easy answer, the easy road to enlightenment & fulfillment. What Wicca & Witchcraft did for me was to show me that yes, if I worked hard enough and made it the focal point of my life that I would indeed find happiness and fulfillment (and here is the important part) in THIS LIFETIME. Not after I died and was granted access into heaven, not merely building good karma for the next life, that the rewards would manifest in this lifetime. And I believe that. I do wholeheartedly believe in the threefold law.

And so I lumped along with my reading, working towards change in my employment & living situation, all the while asking for the Goddess to move me, move my life, show me the way.

Well, I was shown a hint. A peek. A wake up call.

I found out I was pregnant.

After 12 years without a scare now, now I was pregnant. We were terrified. We had never planned on having kids, we were totally broke, my fiance wasn't even working at the time. It was time to reassess everything immediately. I had to really look at my reasons for not wanting to have children. Upon close inspection I realized that those ideas were old, irrational fears based on examples of people who were in much different situations than we were. Everything changed, we got used to the idea, were excited about what was to come. We started changing everything- got ready to move, I quit my labor intensive job, it was all a green light.

The day we went in to have the ultrasound done that would tell us the sex of the baby was the most exciting day of our lives. We were giddy with it. Within seconds it was all over and the dream turned into a nightmare. We were told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.

Within 48 hours my mom had arrived to be with me while I went into induced labor. With my mom and my man beside me after 10 hours I had the baby.

In the subsequent weeks as we moved through the healing process I have come to so many realizations. While I was pregnant I was remorseful that I hadn't established my Wiccan/Witch identity and practices previously so that I could impart that to our child- I know enough about babies to know that they are all consuming and that I would have to wait awhile before working on that again. I was remorseful that I hadn't been exercising before , that my body was not in very good shape, my health was poor. I was remorseful that our finances were a disaster and our living situation not conducive to raising babies. The list goes on but suffice to say I wished that a good number of things would have been different.

Now that we had lost the baby I felt like we were given a second chance to do it right. To right all of those wrongs, to be proactive instead of reactive. I now see our 'whisper' baby as a wake up call. During that 5 months I mapped it all out, I saw the big beautiful picture, I found the entrance to the path.

Now we are actively making strides to rectify our situation to get us in a better place physically, spiritually, financially, & domestically. I'm sad for the baby we lost but I know she is waiting for us, waiting to come back when we are ready for her and can make this the most positive experience of our lives.

My prayers were answered, the Goddess moved me alright, it was a bit of a shove to be honest but obviously that is what I needed. I feel so much better about my life, myself and my purpose here. I realized that in the end the fulfillment I was/am seeking is not going to come from any kind of outside source, it will come from me, from my connection to the Divine, my family, my man, it's all about love.