It just goes on and on and on

Well, I really didn't want this blog to end up being all about me & my health problems but that's what I'm dealing with right now so I guess that's all I've got to talk about.

To relate my health issues to my year & a day training I do remember when I was still visiting with a coven I was considering for training, they stressed over and over that once you take on this training be aware that your life will change in very dramatic ways and that you must be ready for the transformation and welcome it or you will not be happy with the turn of events you will find yourself in. I knew at the time that I signed on for this training that I was ready for my life to change, I was ready to be new and different and that shrugging off my old self was the only way I was going to survive. My mental weaknesses as well as my physical weaknesses were hindering me on every plane- celestial as well as physical. The death of my old self continues to be a struggle and I continue to fight my way through this transformation. I believe that as the wheel turns and I come closer to having completed my year & a day training that I have moved closer to my rebirth.

The day after I returned from visiting Solomon I became very very ill, I passed out at work and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. (nothing quite like having a total meltdown in front of a decent number of people you work with and having the entire facility find out about it) It was horrible, the pain itself, the cold hospital room, my husbands worried face, the pain of the IV, the tests and the waiting, the condescending nature of my doctor who looked like he was younger than me by a few years (who also incidentally was chewing gum throughout our discussions all the while making faces every time I would use the word homeopathic) and since I've become much more sensitive to what is in medicines and now that I know I have to make sure I'm not exposed to aluminum or sugar I was so scared that after just returning I was already re-exposed to either of them and this 2nd detox was all for nothing.

I don't know for certain if I was re-exposed, the nurses/doctors themselves didn't know for sure if either of those things were ingredients in what I was given and seemed incredulous and annoyed that I should care. One of my nurses was amazed that I chose to decline any pain medication until the results of my pregnancy tests came back- I was pretty certain I wasn't but if you are about to be shot up with morphine isn't it a good idea to be sure?

Dealing with the ignorance surrounding my health issues and my choice of treatment has been difficult to say the least. So after just returning from being gone for two days and using up my last days of vacation to see Solomon I only made it through one day of work and then missed the next two due to my little episode of vasovagal syncope with accompanying migraine. So to hope that I might be allowed to work some sort of deal with my work around trying to get back to see Solomon in two weeks was a vain hope indeed. My boss practically laughed at me when I asked. His reply was, "there are a lot of doctors around here, why don't you try to see someone local?" Duh!! Seriously? What an idiotic question. Like I don't know there are doctors where I live? I wanted to leap across his desk and slap the shit out of him. I got the same reaction from the next two people I had to talk to about the possibility with just to make sure I had my bases covered. It was a resounding NO. So, that was tailspin #3.

To recap, #1. Solomon says the detox did not work, I am, in fact, not a brand new woman as promised. #2. The day after returning I am rushed to the ER and pumped full of all kinds of pain medications to which I do not know the ingredients and which also caused a massive migraine that lasted for 15 hrs. #3. I will not be allowed to float vacation days from next year to allow me to go back to see Solomon to see if this detox is over and I can find out what the hell else is wrong with me and address that so I can FINALLY MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE!!!.

It's such a slippery slope. I am, finally, feeling much better though. I'm noticing a lot of positive changes in my body this week. My energy level is rising, I'm sleeping better, my hair has stopped falling out, my skin problems seem to be clearing up nicely, I've lost 6lbs. in the last few days and mentally I feel more alert and not so easily overwhelmed.

I still haven't decided definitively what I am going to do about when/if I'm going to go ahead and go off of the detox diet once my 15 days are up. I'll continue to do many of the things that I'm doing now just because they are much healthier anyway but I would like to be able to eat out one of these days and with the holidays coming I'm hosting Christmas at my house and I want to be able to cook food for my family that doesn't have quite so many restrictions. I have vowed to go gluten free whenever possible, I will never buy aluminum foil again, I will not be cooking with white sugar or white flour and I will very rarely if ever eat processed food again. It's just that there are these Godiva truffles sitting on my desk (a gift that was ironically given to me the first day I started my detox) that I would LOVE to have just at least ONE of!!! It's the holidays for goodness sake!! There's delicious food all around me!! It's torture!! We had our company thanksgiving dinner yesterday and I sat in my cubicle and tried not to pout-even though I knew someone had brought pumpkin creme pie- and eat my beef soup. This girl be gettin' cranky.

Oh well, I tell myself, it's all part of the process I suppose.

Back from visiting Solomon

I returned from seeing my holistic practitioner in Indiana this morning with the results of my metals/yeast detox.

Unfortunately the results weren't good.

He told me that when I first went to see him my aluminum level was at a level 8 on a scale of 1-10 and on Tuesday when he saw me I was a 5. The answer I was looking for was 0.


No such luck.

As I was preparing to go see him I thought that something was wrong because he had told me that when I got down to a 0 the aluminum would be gone and the yeast would be gone as well and that I would feel completely different and the change would be dramatic. Well, while I do feel a little bit better I certainly do not feel like the brand new person he had proclaimed I would be. So, I have to follow the protocol for another 15 days and then we'll see what's up.


He said that the yeast had not been eliminated due to the ever present levels of aluminum. The best part is that because my aluminum level was not as high as before he was able to rapid detox the remaining metals out of my system and I am now testing at a 0 level. This should ensure that the protocol does it's good work and I should be all good in 15 more days.

At first I was so bummed and very discouraged and then my mom pointed something that got my attention. With the knowledge that I wasn't feeling any better if he had told me that the yeast/metals were indeed all out of my system that would have been the worst thing of all because then it would mean that either he was wrong and that wasn't my problem all along or that there was some other horrible disease/problem lurking that I would then have to deal with.
So, I will forge ahead.
Boldly going where no sugar, vinegar, white flour, mushrooms, alcohol, and processed foods go. There I'll be.


Thank you to everyone for all of your support and encouragement!!
I'll keep you all updated as this saga unfolds ;)

who knew?

Is this baby pain ever going to relent?

Why is it that I'm constantly struck by this longing?

My whole life I never thought I wanted to be a mother then in my 30's I get pregnant, get used to the idea (and actually get very excited) and then lose the baby and now it's on my mind all the freakin' time (it's been a little over a year since we lost her.)

A co-worker just had a baby today and I had to go buy a card and will be picking out the company gift... it's like a hundred needles poking into my heart at the same time.

I have to keep telling myself that it's just not the right time for us, most especially because of my health.

I'm trying not to live in the future but it's so very difficult.

Sigh.

It's the Final Countdown!

One more week until I go back to Solomon and see if this detox has gotten rid of the systemic yeast.

I can't freaking wait.

I'm so nervous I'm going to screw this up, I've been having dreams where I'll be eating something and really enjoying it and then out of the blue I'll realize it has sugar and I can't have sugar and now I've ruined the whole thing and I've already bought plane tickets and what am I going to do now, how could I have screwed this all up.....blah blah blah. You get the point. I'm so freaked out that I've inadvertently messed this detox up. I pray to all that is holy that is not the case because friends, I HAVE SUFFERED FOR THIS!! (my husband & roommate will tell you they've suffered as well, and it's true, sorry!)

Last week was not nearly as bad as the first (the week we dubbed 'trial run' see previous post for details) week without sugar. All in all I've had 3 migraines and a ton of long running headaches. Not to mention the insomnia, the stomach aches, my neck muscles seizing up, the intense cranky-ness- the moodiness all around has been epic. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry over greeting cards in the grocery store. Help me! Yikes....

This week I've got high hopes that there won't be anymore headaches but then again what if that means that it's not working as well as it should? I've had the mentality throughout this detox that I would have to suffer because that would be my indication that the nasty ol' yeasties and metals were on their way out. I've read that it's likely to be the most intensely horrible thing ever. I have suffered, not anything I don't go through regularly, just a lot more intense and all crammed together in a short period of time. All while having to go to work. I did have to leave for one of the migraines, they tend to frown on you throwing up in your cubicle...hmph.

I have to say that a new little insidious fear has creeped in, I have to wonder what Solomon is going to be able to see going on in here when this is gone and he is able to do a more intense body scan. I guess we'll just have to see. I sincerely hope I'll be able to move forward and just concentrate on a good diet & exercise regime....no more medicines or strict dietary restrictions....
(please, please, please, please, please, please, please)

It's amazing how many things contain sugar. One of the most surprising and most irritating is beef broth. BEEF BROTH OF ALL THINGS!!! Geez...it's tough. Go ahead and cut out flour too and see where that gets you! No stew without flour, damn. And while I may be able to substitute something for it let's just say I gave that whirl last week and those meals were uh, hmmm, well, practically inedible. This week looks to be going better just because I stopped trying to adapt recipes to work without my list of 'without ingredients' and just went plain and simple. Chicken veggie soup. Pretty basic. And it turned out amazingly well. I also made a beef veggie soup, bell peppers stuffed with hash browns & seasoned hamburger, Oriental spicy orange chicken and habanero hamburger patties w/ some AMAZING cheese I got from Whole Foods (it's called 'seaside cheddar' if you want to know and it's TO DIE FOR!!!)

Swan & I haven't been able to coordinate our schedules for the year & a day class for quite some time now but it was great to meet up with her this weekend and just hang out and have fun. It's been a bit of a slippery slope for her I think trying to figure out how to be my mentor and be my friend at the same time. Not knowing me she wasn't sure how that would work and if I would take advantage or if it would hinder her ability to be a teacher when there is a tough truth to be told. I think we've got that worked out though and I personally don't see any issue. I'm so blessed to have her as my friend, I wanted to hang out with her the first time I met her, I guess you could say I had a friend crush~ I could just see all the cool things we could do together, all the things we had in common, all the stuff she knows how to do that I want to learn to do, she made me excited to have friends again and that hadn't happened for me for a long time. (with the exception of my newest friend, Giggly) I've been pretty solitary these last couple of years.

On Sunday we met at her house and went sale shopping for the day- let me clarify- DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN SALE SHOPPING!!!!(okay, clearly I've got a problem with too many !!!'s, sorry, I'll calm myself now...) That's the best kind of shopping, well, next to the sales that happen right after Christmas. The part that makes it so radicool is that I love Halloween decorations and the costume shops always put all of their shoes on sale and this year I splurged and got two pair. I got a pair of knee high lace up platform black boots and a pair of black platform mary jane shoes. Whoo hooo! I also found some fantastic faux vintage Halloween stuff which I'll have to take some pics of and post.

Oh, and I haven't given up with the idea of doing some sort of a blog make-over I just haven't done enough research to figure it out...I don't want to ask anyone I know personally to help me because no one knows about this blog and I'd like to keep it that way (how else can I bitch, I mean vent, about my life without drama?)

missing pieces

I've been feeling the urge to write poetry again lately but while the urge is there the words are not. They're all tangled up and stuck. I know from experience that writing is like a muscle that needs to be exercised in order to be strong and ready which I haven't been doing. I'm impatient like that, I just want it to be there at my whim (and it'd be nice if it were brilliant while I'm wishing..) It's been so long since I've done a creative project (aside from my BOS) like painting or sewing or collage or sculpture...I'm missing it is all I guess.

Today I want life to be different, more simple. I guess that is ultimately what we're working towards it all just feels so horribly uncertain and stressful. I've got to hone my witchy skills so I can conjure up my dream life and manifest it into this life. Some days I'm just blue no matter what. I want to disappear, travel, create, cry, roam free and wild without restraint. I miss a memory that I don't even have. A time when I was wild, when I was free. When relationships weren't blemished by insecurities and secrets. When I felt connected to nature and was fearless.
When I was strong, sexual, vibrant and healthy. I miss things I've never known.

sigh.

October is nearly over. boo.

This is my favorite month and it seems like yet again this year I've got too much stuff going on to have a real true Samhain celebration. I've been wanting to get an ancestor altar put together for my house and have people over for the last three years. Time just moves too fast. Maybe next October...

I do think I'll be joining Swan at her house for a Samhain ritual though, should be fun except that we are doing it during the day which seems....wrong I guess, Samhain rituals are for darkest night! I guess I'll take what I can get at this point~

Whew!

Well, I'm happy to report that last week is over.


The best part?


My week long headache that was punctuated by two migraines is done and gone!! Good riddance!


I'm so happy to be rid of that horrible pain, I feel like a brand new person!
Today is the first day of following Solomon's actual protocol and I'm happy to be well on my way. I feel like we spent the last week working all the kinks out and now we're really ready to make this happen. I ate a few things I shouldn't have last week (besides the food I made that had the sugar in the spices) such as canned pears from the farmer's market- why in the world did they add sugar to them? I thought for sure it was just plain fruit juice in there but apparently he puts some sugar in there, I was smart enough to ask when I went back this saturday. I didn't knowingly go outside of the diet though and for me that is what counts. No cheating at all! (Despite all of the screaming in my brain every time I would pass something sweet at the grocery store) Now I know what's what and I'm determined to avoid all sugar for these next two weeks. One tiny bit of sugar or I'm guessing any of the other foods to avoid on the list will be devastating. The yeast will survive on the tiniest bit of any of the forbidden foods and I'll be fit to be tied if I go all the way back to Indiana to see Solomon and he tells me the detox didn't work and I've still got it. But, I'm thinking positively and am just sure we'll get this licked.

I think my body has gone through the worst of it with the drastic (99.5%) reduction in sugars and all aspirin related products. I know it's hard on my brain to be cut off of it's nearly daily supply of aspirin type products but I also know from past experience that cutting off such high doses of said medicine from your blood stream will cause 'rebound headaches.' This term was new to me till last year when I read about it and decided to experiment. I went three days without any type of Excedrin or whatever and had THE WORST HEADACHE!!!! It was immediate and it was horrible. That time I wasn't really set on quitting it forever so I just gave in on the third day and used some Excedrin and within about 10 minutes the headache was completely gone. Hmmmm, funny how that works, eh? It was clear to me that I was dependant on it. Now I've gone through the sugar shakes and am past the rebound headache so maybe from here on out will be smooth sailing. (Crossing fingers...)


I was also miraculously able to do some more work on my Book of Shadows (& accompanying books) this weekend!! I'm at the crafty part where I'm picking out the different papers for the chapter breaks- I LOVE PAPER CRAFTS!!!! With the popularity of scrap booking I've been able to find the most amazing papers, it's like Christmas every time I go to the craft store. This weekend I was able to scoop up a couple of packets of mixed paper that are just divine and one of them was 40% off while the other was 50% off!! Double score!

It occurs to me I should start putting some pictures up on here. Nearly every blog I read has pictures and I think it would make a big difference. I'm not entirely sure how to do that however...also, if the picture isn't mine then how do I handle that? Do I just have to give credit for it somewhere? I better google for some blogging pointers, now that I've finally made it a priority to write on here and it seems as if there are actual real people reading (hello real people!!) I should make an effort to dress it up a bit. If anyone has suggestions that would be swell, I'm not a very computer savvy kinda gal..

Day 2

Well, I have a couple things of note to mention, my metals/yeast detox isn't going so well.

The worst part is that I sabotaged myself.

Last night after we got home from work I was noticing my body and paying attention to what felt different. I've read many times that with this sort of detox (most any detox likely) one will feel a lot worse before they feel better and so I wanted to tune in and see what was going on. All day I'd been feeling a light irritation, just feeling.....well, irritable. As the day turned to night and it got later the irritation got worse and I felt a kind of nervous energy as well as a headache that was getting more and more intense as the minutes ticked by. I told myself that this was normal and it meant that the detox was working.

Then came the kick to the stomach, my husband was looking at the spices to see what was acceptable to put in his chili since it wasn't spicy enough. (What a trooper he is doing this with me! Well, he didn't really have a choice since if I have it it's likely he does too and he could pass it back to me if he doesn't cleanse his system properly, damn yeast!!) Anywho, he picked up one of the spices I had used extensively in TWO of the dishes I had prepared for the week and said, "oh, guess I can't use this cause it has sugar in it." My heart sank and tears sprang to my eyes (oh, have I mentioned I'm so overly sensitive that I can hardly stand myself?) and I dramatically boo-hoo'd about how it was all a waste and that I wouldn't be able to start the protocol for another whole week. After I mellowed out a bit I decided it was time to take my pills for the day and that I would just continue on as I had and extend the protocol for an extra week instead of quiting all together.

It was then that the kick to the head came- I noticed in big bold letters on the acidophilus bottle that it was supposed to be refrigerated. I hadn't put it in the fridge, it had been about a month since I bought the stuff. What the hell? I bought the new cookware, read the books, tailored my cooking, everything!! And now it was all falling apart, well, mostly I was falling apart. I felt defeated and very sorry for myself.

I decided to check the mail and see if Solomon had gotten back to me with a day/time for my follow-up appointment. He had.

There are no more appointments left open for 2009.

He stated that I was welcome to show up for a tues/weds and be on 'stand by' and he would try to squeeze me in in between people. I seriously thought I was going to lose it at this point. I have to fly and rent a car and pay for hotel rooms to make this happen and just hanging out for two days waiting to be seen seemed very expensive and also pretty shaky. What if he wasn't able to see me? I only have two days of PTO left, I can only go and wait to be seen for one day. Plus I was supposed to be traveling with other people who wanted to see him as well, what about them?

This was getting to be all too much so I decided to go read some of my favorite blogs and clear my mind. What I ended up finding was so significant and so interesting I just had to share. And just maybe this will mean something to you too as you make your way through this new moon.
I know it made me feel better. This information comes from Owl's Wings blog on the blessings of the new moon in Libra.

Astrologer Lynn Hayes writes, "this New Moon forms a trine to the Chiron/Neptune conjunction, so there is the potential for a cascade of beautiful and soulful healing energy (Chiron/Neptune) that clears the way for the new beginning of the New Moon. (sounds good huh? pretty auspicious beginning!!)

And the kicker:
“However,” she continues, “the New Moon (the conjunction of the Sun and Moon) forms a square to the lunar nodes, suggesting that we will be tested.

All is not lost however:
In addition, another astrologer, Theodore White, tells us: “By the time of the positive October 18th New Moon in Libra, the favorable energies will allow most people to begin to make significant gradual progress deep into the fall season after the delays and frustrations of September and early October.

Okay, so I seem to be right on track with Luna, healing and being tested at the same time during this new moon in Libra. I managed to pull myself together and decided that I am going to pass this test, I am committed to my health. I am also looking forward to the 'significant gradual progress' that needs to take place in my life and with my health. So, although I loathe the thought I'm adding an additional week to my detox. I'm not going off diet and consuming those sweet sugars I crave. Damn.

Oh well, anything worth having is worth working for, right?

I am not happy but I guess this is the gauntlet. Onward and upward.

Transformation

I've been pondering how to continue to write within this blog about my life and what I'm going through without getting too heavy handed with the health stuff. I really want this to be a space where I explore my progress through my year & a day training and how it affects my life.

Problem is, my health is primarily what I'm dealing with right now and my first thought is that I've not been working so diligently on my year and a day studies these last few months and that's far more interesting.

Upon further contemplation I realized that in fact I really am doing my spiritual work. Every day. And some may say the most important kind. The mental work. As I move through this personal transformation I am changing entirely. It's not just my physical health that is going through an overhaul it's my mind, my heart and my soul as well.

When I was younger I was intrigued and inspired by the Zen philosophy and would have to point to Zen as my first touchstone for conscious thinking/living. And now I strive to incorporate my Zen philosophy with magickal thinking. I strive to curb negative thought patterns, I talk with the Goddess, I notice details about whatever it is that I'm doing- appreciating patterns, colors, textures, tastes, smells, I direct positive healing energy into my projects and seal it with a pentagram. These changes in thought have been especially helpful in the realm of housekeeping and cooking.

While I know for a fact that I function much better in a clean, well organized home I find I have a tendency to get resentful if I feel like I'm the only one working and everyone else is playing. Which is pretty much always the case at my house. And despite all of my prodding (nagging) this isn't likely to change as it's not as important to anyone else as it is to me. Plus, this is something I've been working on my attitude towards because I know it's only going to get worse once we have a baby!! (I can just hear the legions of mothers out there nodding in agreement) and I don't want to be the eternally pissy mother/wife. Ideally I want to create a loving, nurturing, inspired & magickal home that I am happy and proud to be a part of and where people genuinely enjoy themselves.

So I am alternately working on changing my negativity to positivity and learning how to let go of some things. While I prefer a well kept house it just isn't possible right now. The cost is just too high. When I don't let go my relationship with my husband suffers, my stress levels are thru the roof (which in turn affects my health), and in the end not much more gets done so I'm still behind and everyone is super pissed off all the time and I'm working my ass off. Lose-lose.

All of my life I thought I wanted to be a globe-trotting gypsy without a care, without a commitment, nothing to tie me down. I thought about what jobs would facilitate such a lifestyle and went in that direction. Bit by bit I've grown and changed and realized that I don't want to float, I've done that and I'm tired of it, that I need a solid home base and I want a family to grow with and a community to belong to. I am realizing also that crafting a home and a family is not separate from my spirituality, it is a huge part of it. All areas of my life are touched by my spirituality, even my job (which is where I need to do the most work with negativity and such).

I feel that I have been given an opportunity. To see what is important and to go for it. I've been given a diagnosis- FINALLY- and can now begin to heal my body. I've found a mentor who is willing to guide me along my year & a day training, I've got a job that has enabled me to go through all of these transformations while being financially supported, I have family and a husband who support me (in their own ways....), I am ready to shed this outer shell and become who I truly am. It's spectacularly exciting. I'm awfully impatient with myself so it often feels like I'm always pushing for more while experiencing results slowly but that's all part of the process I suppose. I'm trying to be kinder to myself also.

Each day now I'm moving closer. She's in there. The one that has only seen glimpses of manifestation. Clearer and brighter the real me is awakening and I'll never be the same.

Thank the Goddess.

The rollercoaster comes to a halt

We're recovering.

Life has begun to move steadily forward again instead of in drastic ups and downs. Of course we are still grieving the loss of my mother-in-law but the sharp sting has dissipated. I think it's a little different also for us because she had sooo many major health problems for so long and there were so many times that she went into surgeries that we weren't sure she would survive. We know that the last 12 years we had with her were miracle years, we could have lost her long ago after her first massive brain surgery. The upcoming holidays will be difficult indeed, I'm not thinking about that right now tho, just living for today. All I know is that there are finally good days again, it's not gloomy from start to finish.

I've begun to resume my spiritual studies as well after a long pause. I haven't had any time for myself outside of my responsibilities, caring for my husband, paying bills, cleaning, cooking & working of course. And, additionally, getting things in place to begin my yeast/metals detox diet which is proving to be quite the process. We had to order all new pots & pans as ours were calphalon and contain an aluminum core. Researching recipes has been work as well- once you cut out all sugars- including fructose the pickin's get a little slim. Soups are easy but man/woman cannot live on soup alone and I most certainly don't want to get burnt out on soup this early into the Autumn/Winter season!! Breakfasts & entrees are the toughie. I think I've got some stuff lined up though and after the farmer's market this saturday I'll retire to the kitchen where I'll put my new cookware to the test. Solomon thinks I will be amazed at how differently I feel once we've got all this under control, I am so excited for my new healthy me. A boost in my energy levels would sure be fantastic, I'm so tired all the time I just can't seem to do anything outside of work and the bare essentials.

Last night I finally got all of my 'work' out and started separating everything out into the different binders for my elaborate Book of Shadows project. I think I mentioned this previously but I'm going to have one big main BOS and then there will be three smaller accompanying volumes and one binder for my year & a day studies as well as the seeker classes I took with a different coven. I made massive headway last night and am primed to get moving forward again.

I'm also gathering materials & information for my flash card projects. Firstly I think I'm going to construct some cards to help me learn the standard Rider/Waite deck. Recently I've been working with my Osho Zen tarot deck and have been continuously awed by the insight that deck brings to me. I'll have to get more into that some day....I have to say though that it has been an amazing tool. I really would like to know more about the traditional tarot, even if I ultimately stick with the Osho Zen deck it's still something every proper Witch should know!

Anyone else made flashcards before? Any tips or pointers?
I'm always open to suggestions!!

Update on healing

For the first time I feel hopeful. Returning from my visit with Solomon Wickey I've got a 'diagnosis' and hope.

Hope that I can get my life back. And the thing about it is that I don’t even know what to expect to get out of life considering that it is likely I’ve had this problem in at least small degrees since I was born.

The culprit?

Yeast and aluminum.

Seems silly. Seems inconsequential. When the healer told me that my body was overrun by yeast and aluminum I was relieved. This was my problem? No big deal. He didn’t smile back at me. He looked at me very seriously and in a grave tone of voice told me that this was very serious and was indeed life threatening. I was confused. I’ve never heard of someone dying because of yeast or aluminum.

Upon arriving home from my trip to see said healer I began to investigate just what yeast and aluminum can do to the human body. I was, well, am stunned. There it all was. Every strange seemingly unconnected malady I’ve been experiencing as far back as I can remember. I’ve had so many ah-ha! moments I feel like I’m in shock. Solomon suggested a diet to rid myself of the heavy metals build up as well as the systemic yeast and some herbs to support my system while I detox. From what I’ve read about what happens when you start killing off all of this rampant bad yeast it can be horribly painful and make you very very sick (mycotoxins). I think I should be okay with the support of the herbs and even if I do have to suffer through it I have to believe that nothing is worse than a lifetime of continuing as I have.

There is a wealth of information on systemic poisoning from both of these (yeast & aluminum) culprits all over the web. Yet ever single doctor I’ve seen for the last 22 years has missed the mark every time. Oftentimes prescribing me medications that have exacerbated my core issue of aluminum poisoning/systemic yeast. The headaches I began experiencing at age 9 weren’t normal. The muscle aches, joint pain, fatigue, memory loss, blurred vision, I could go on and on, but suffice to say- these things aren’t normal but the doctors told us that it was hormonal and I was just an early bloomer and not to worry everything would sort out as I got older. Only it didn’t. It all just got worse and worse.

For over 10 years now I’ve lived with a secret fear that I have a fatal disease. I’ve experienced health problems since I was very young but it’s been within the last 10 years that I’ve really started to be afraid of what was going on with my body. On the few occasions in my adult life that I’ve had healthcare and was able to afford the co-pay (insert argument for universal health care) I went to doctors with my fears and frantically tried to find the root, find out what was going on. Nothing. Not even a guess. I obtained a copy of my medical chart from one of my last docs and was shocked to see the word ‘hypochondriac’ written in the notes section.

Within the last year it's gotten the worst it's ever been. My hair got drastically more thin and my skin has been horrible, I started experiencing sycope (passing out for no reason at all) and have headaches weekly.

And now, within 5 min. an Amish man by the name of Solomon Wickey has changed my life and given me hope that I can be better than I have ever dreamed.
Everything I’ve read about systemic yeast and aluminum poisoning rings true. Now I know. I finally know how to heal myself.

Now for a quick tutorial of yeast overgrowth symptoms & links:

There are some differences between the symptoms/diseases that manifest in women as opposed to men with systemic yeast overgrowth, some of the issues pertaining to women;

“One of the most well known forms of yeast is the vaginal yeast infection. However, it may play a role in just about any mental health condition or chronic illness you can think of. Yeast overgrowth is considered to be a leading contributor in alcoholism, anxiety disorders, asthma, IBS- irritable bowel syndrome, addisons disease, MCS- multiple chemical sensitivites, crohns, autism, CFS- chronic fatigue syndrome, leaky gut syndrome, pms, endometriosis, FMS- fibromyalgia syndrome, prostatitis, ADD-attention deficit disorder, multiple sclerosis, asthma, food allergies, muscle and joint pain, clinical depression, repeated urinary tract infections, hormonal imbalances, migraines, digestive disturbances, difficult menopause, psoriasis, lupus, chronic pain, tourette's, vulvodynia, rheumatoid arthritis and many more.”

And for men;

“Common candida symptoms in males that don't fall under an actual disorder label may consist of irritability, cognitive difficulties, depression, inability to concentrate, fatigue, restlessness, anxiety, forgetfulness, diarrhea, constipation, headaches, frequent stomach aches, indigestion, heartburn, excessive shyness or feelings of being self-conscious, rashes and many more. Males with candida tend to get these labels: chronic prostatitis, hyperactive, learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder, conduct disorder, anger or rage disorders, alcoholic, drug addict, anti-social disorder, autism.

Please take the time to review some of the links to the articles I am providing that I feel have some valid information on the subject and see if you or someone you love is experiencing these problems. I absolutely believe that if I had ever stumbled upon any of this information years ago I would have recognized myself in these lists of symptoms and would have taken steps to rebalance the yeast in my system and cut out my exposure to aluminum as best I could.

These are by no means the definitive sources of information on the topics of systemic yeast overgrowth and/or aluminum poisoning, this is just what I have found so far and found to be informative. The book listed below has been the most extensive source so far.

Below is a great book that I am making my way through outlining a phase diet that helps to ease one into the yeast rebalancing diet. Has a ton of information, a bit overwhelming but the fact that the diet is done in phases is helpful and there is a lot of information on how to support your body thru this change.
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Candida-Yeast-Guidebook-Revised/dp/0761527400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255040267&sr=8-1

Link to aluminum free cookware that is very affordably priced, read the descriptions for each piece or set carefully, some of them do contain aluminum but most do not. Recommended by Solomon:
http://www.realcook.com/

One of the most comprehensive websites discussing systemic yeast, be sure to click on the different tabs on the left side for more information
http://www.yeastinfectionadvisor.com/index.html

A short but informative entry level article discussing aluminum toxicity
http://www.drpepi.com/aluminum-poisoning.php#

A more extensive list of symptoms of aluminum poisoning
http://home.earthlink.net/~joannefstruve/_wsn/page3.html


If you know of more/different sources of information on these topics I would love to know!

in this heartbreak

in this moment, this raw,
clenching break
all physical ties severed
we mourn ourselves
our loss
in the same breath
we try
to celebrate your life.

heartbroken

On Friday, Sept. 18 my mother-in law passed away in her sleep.

You know that part in the Harry Potter movie (can't recall which one right now) where someone is describing how the dementor's kiss felt and they said "I felt as if I'd never be cheerful again."

That's how I feel today.

I wish I could just quit my job and run away and be with my family.

Catching Up

Okay, so there’s a whole lot going on in my life as the wheel turns ever closer to Autumn.

To catch up, I’ve continued to work on my Book of Shadows and am having a blast with it. I’ve been getting all of my notes I’ve taken over the last few years from my Seeker classes, my Year & A Day classes, notes from books I’ve read/am reading, my astrological charts and such all re-written on my lined paper I ‘made’ and hole-punched and ready to roll! So far I’m steeped in the ‘getting ready’ phase of the books. I’m collecting information, re-writing things, continuing to organize and of course collecting cool papers, stickers and irresistible pens. Soon I will begin to actually put things into the binders but I’m just not ready quite yet.

I’ve taken a bit of a break on my book as of the last week to welcome my mom to the cities! She is able to visit me for 10 wonderful days and we’ve been having a blast!!

Generally we are both housebound hermits and so it’s invigorating for us to be going and doing so much. I had a four day break from work and we were barely home any of those days. I forget how nice it is to have someone around who is into the same things you are and is sooo easy to hang out with. It's rare and wonderful.

We went to the annual Renaissance Festival which was far cooler than I thought it would be! It’s always nice to get those surprises. Everyone around here is always amazed when I tell them how long we’ve been here and that we haven’t gone to the State Fair or the Renaissance Festival. Generally I’m not a very good crowd person. (Neither is my mom) I tolerate it during concerts but have noticed that even that is wearing a little thin for me and it is getting tougher. I need to practice shielding and get better at protecting myself from other people’s energy I think. Plus, we were given some ticket discounts so that helped immensely as well. $20.00 a person admission? What the hell?!*! So now only rich people get to see such wonders? It’s the same thing here with the science museum, they charge so much to see the traveling exhibitions that we rarely go. Jerks.

Okay, sorry for the rant, back on track.

So yeah, we bought some great artwork from some really talented artists, my personal favorite is an artist whose name is DeLayne Hostetler. I bought two prints, one for myself and one for Swan as a surprise gift. Maybe I should hold on to it for Yule? Hmmmm…. Her website does not do justice to her work, tho you can get a pretty good estimation on what she's up to by clicking on the small icons.

Another great artist who my mom just ADORES and bought a substantial amount of work from is Randal Spangler. His work is so dense and imaginative!! Really I encourage you to take a peek at both of their work, they are wonderful people keeping magick alive in the world & uplifting the spirit.

Oh! And I found the coolest pendant that was just waiting for me, it is a squid with wings. I have a major thing for octopus & squid. Not entirely sure why, it’s a relatively new obsession but I find them fascinating beyond compare. And wings, well, I’ve been obsessed with wings my whole life. I just happen to have a set tattooed to my back.

I love buying local art and supporting artists. Rarely do I ever have the money for such things but I was in a mood that day and since my husband didn’t acknowledge our 14th anniversary I figured I’d just do it for myself. Ha!

And along the lines of art, I was able to wrangle the husband, roommate, mom and myself into the last day of a traveling exhibit at our museum for William Holman Hunt. It was amazing!! The link will take you to an image of my favorite painting from the show, I looked and looked for a good one, one that would showcase the enormity of the work, the brilliance of the paint, the skill of the artists hand but alas, none of them did him a bit of justice. If you EVER get a chance to look at this mans work, please do yourself a favor and check it out. I’m not sure where the show is traveling to next, it’s sooo worth your time. The name of the painting is “Lady of Shalott” after the poem. The scale of the painting was amazing and the brilliance of the paint unreal. I can’t say enough about this guy, all of his work had a very intriguing quality. His life was scandalous as well which only adds to my fascination with him.

Aside from affairs of the art (ha ha, I’m so clever, well….I like to pretend anyway…) I am getting outrageously excited for my trip to see the healer Solomon Wickey. I will be there exactly one week from tomorrow. I’m nervous about traveling alone which I very rarely do but am so excited that I’m not fixating on all of my little paranoid hang-ups.

This Sunday my mom will be accompanying me to Swans house for my class and I think we are going to try to put together a ritual to help me assimilate my healing, release my fears and over-all just prepare me for my journey and my healing. Should be great, this will be the first time my mom has met Swan and also the first time she will be a part of any type of ritual. We’re all pretty stoked!! I just know that she & Swan would be fast friends if she lived here and they were able to spend time together. I will give a full report on my visit with Solomon just as soon as I am able, hopefully it will be all good. It’s a slippery slope to not put too much expectations on a person/event but still put positive energy towards it/them. I’m not very good at it yet, I’m afraid I’ve got a massive heart investment in this opportunity….

Till then, breathe the last bits of summer deeply and get ready to welcome Autumn!! My favorite time of the year~

Let the Book of Shadows begin!

I’m so proud of myself!!
I have officially begun my Book of Shadows!! This has been something I’ve been excited about doing for well over a year now and finally the time is right to begin! I’ve gathered materials and been ruminating about what I would like said book to contain.
Recently I started a list of items I’d like to include.

It filled up an entire page.
Yikes.

Something Swan (my mentor) suggested saved the day- break it up into multiple books. For some reason this hadn’t occurred to me but now I’m so glad because now I get to make not only one super kick ass cool book but a grand total of……..
(drum roll please)
FOUR!!!

There will be one grande book, the mammacita of them all, my official Book of Shadows and then in typical fashion (everything is in triplicate with me) there will be an additional three books that will cover a myriad of topics. (I swear I didn't plan on there being three, it just worked out that way)

I’m in heaven! Sure, it’s immense in scope but realistically I’ll be working on it the rest of my life so I suppose I have time. (Well, let’s hope I do…)
This has all the earmarks of a fantastic project- I LOVE BOOKS firstly, secondly; I love handwritten books- be it books of poetry, journals, whatever, the hand written pages are so much more personal and intimate to me. Thirdly, I get to decorate it!! That means stickers, sparkly wonderfully colored pens, lovely thick colored paper, decorative pages, my very own table of contents…and likely the best part of it all is what Witch is complete without a Book of Shadows?

This is all part of me taking initiative and shaping my identity and thusly my life. Going from thinking about this and longing to do it and actually making it happen feels good too. A lifetime of procrastinating and dreaming has left me with a deficit of actual projects completed and many dashed dreams. I did have to make some sacrifices to find the time for this though, one of them being opting out of participating in the gallery exhibition I was invited to show my paintings at. Oh poo. Oh well. There are only so many hours in the day!

I’ve got all of the chapters outlined, I bought colored card stock from the ever tempting ‘Paper Source’ and made my own lined sheets, I’ve gathered some fantastic stickers & pens & such, my notes and loose papers are all gathered, now all that is left is to begin!

My first step will be transcribing all of my loose papers onto the nice paper and putting them into the appropriate sections of the books. This will be very time consuming yet worth it, I’ve been taking Wicca & Witchcraft classes for nearly two years now so I’ve got gobs of notes that I’d like to organize and keep. Additionally I've wanted to organize my reference papers forever too- herbs, meditation techniques, symbology, Wheel of the Year, Tarot, things of that sort and much much much more.

I'm addicted to crafts and books.
Wheeee!

Part Two

The idea was a lightening bolt shot through my heart.

The idea that there are indeed real healers out there in the world and better yet, accessible to me. While it may seem strange that I believe in magick and yet am skeptical about the existence of bonafide ‘release’ healers I must admit that due to past experience I am skeptical. I’ve seen my fair share of people who profess to be healers, healers of the mind, body and spirit and I’ve not had overwhelmingly positive experiences with them.

I’ve seen acupuncturists that while the therapy might have been successful I was skeptical based on the fact that they don’t have an actual diagnosis they were working from, just a list of complaints. Seems a bit shoddy to me. The real kicker came when I was told that for the therapy to be effective I would have to see her at least once a week if not twice and that each session would be nearly $100.00. Yeah, right. Like I’ve got that kind of money.

The list goes on and on, I won’t bore you with the details. Same goes for psychics. I’ve blown a goodly amount of money there too. Usually they were highly recommended by others and each time I was at a place in my life where I desperately needed guidance, each time I was at a cross roads wondering which path to take. Only once did I ever get any useful information that was actually valid. That particular time was a lady I saw just by chance at a local occultist store. I’ve always wanted to believe, to take a chance on a different route. Every time I just end up feeling like a fool who threw money into the cosmic idiot well.

I’ve read so many testimonials about Solomon that I’m going for it. I’ve got the opportunity to see my mom’s naturopath if this doesn’t work out but if it does it would save me a lot of time and money not to mention restoring my faith in the healing community. One of the things that leads me to think he just might be the real deal is that he doesn’t charge for his services. Yeah, that’s right. Not a dime. You are free to offer a donation but it is in no way solicited or expected I am to understand. He does sell herbs and remedies to support the healing services that he offers but you are free to buy them anywhere you choose. It’s been said additionally that he offers the herbs at cost and does not make a dime on them making them far cheaper than anywhere else.

I’ve had such a good feeling about the whole thing that I was on cloud nine and ready to rush right there and see him, my heart was on board but my brain was doubtful. So I started doing more internet research on him. After much digging and prodding I found my first negative review of Solomon. The writer was not being intentionally cruel towards him but had some scathing reviews of his supposed healing ability. He reported that he and his mother had gone to see him. His mother had been diagnosed with end stage liver disease and was living on dialysis. This was her last ditch effort to be well and live. Solomon told her to get off of the dialysis and to take the recommended herbs and she would get better. The family decided that it was too risky to take her off of dialysis and she too was afraid she would die immediately so they opted to stay on the machine and just take the herbs. The son reported that while the herbs did make her feel much better and improved her quality of life they did not cure her cancer and while she lived much much longer than the doctors had predicted she did eventually pass away. He was bitter and angry that the cancer had not disappeared. She was not spontaneously healed. Okay. So, does this mean he is a sham? The doubt that entered my heart was piercing and my mind screamed “told you so, you fool! You’ll bankrupt us yet!”

After I calmed down a bit and thought about it more I had a dialog with myself about the nature of healing. Now, it would be lovely if we could all die in our sleep after a long peaceful existence. Is that possible? Is it possible in respect to the balance of the universe? Of course not. So obviously some people are not meant to be healed. The trials and tribulations we all go through in this life shape our path. They give meaning to our triumphs.

That said, there are many of us who suffer needlessly from easily cured ills. One of the things that can and will obliterate our health and well-being is FEAR. The woman and her family were afraid of death and so chose not to follow his ‘prescription’ for healing out of fear that it would not work and she would die. So to deny faith and resort to fear are not the best steps to take towards healing.

With these things flushed out in my mind I was back on track and realized that yes, I am willing to take that leap of faith. I have to believe that I can be healed. Every day I ask the Goddess and God to heal me and make me whole. I am willing to do what I have to do. If it isn’t in the cards for me to receive spontaneous healing than I’ll go the long route.

Once again I’m going to reach for the stars and hope that they meet me half way. I’m working towards preparing myself for this healing by honing my meditation skills and detoxing my body. I want to be ready so I can take the ball and run with it when it’s my turn!!

My prayer for everyone reading this is that you are able to find your own personal path towards health, love and light. We all deserve to be happy and healthy. It is our Goddess/God given right.

Hope for Healing, part one

I bought plane tickets yesterday.

My brightest hope is that I will forever remember this trip as the day that changed my life. I am going to see a healer this September. Now, it's a long complicated dialog that I had with myself and it's likely anyone else faced with this information would find themselves struggling just as I did. Well, let me begin at the beginning before I rush to the end.

Like pretty much everyone I know I have a pile of health problems. I believe that mine really started with birth control. The pill wasn't so hard on me, I may have started on it a little early and who knows what that does to a young girl but I digress. It was the depo-provera shot that really did a number on me. I was only on it for roughly two years but it took an additional 4 years to get it all out of my system and start feeling 'normal' again. The problem is that I believe the balances had been tipped internally and since I never took specific action to rectify that my problems have continued they've just been a little more mysterious and not necessarily hormone related.

I've given up going to 'western' doctors with my list of ills, I've not gotten anywhere that way. I won't go into my tirade about western doctors and the issue I take with treating symptoms (largely with pharmaceuticals) and not the actual root cause. I believe that route is dangerous, costly and highly ineffectual. I've always looked to homeopathy for my cures and have had success with little things here and there. The problem is I don't know what the root cause of my suffering is. I've searched for a reputable naturopath and reluctantly admit to having seen one who I feel knew a bit about it, did help me a little bit but ultimately did not perform the panel of tests necessary to truly detect the deepest root cause for my maladies. I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on vitamins and herbs and while I did feel better I wasn't able to keep up with roughly 15 vitamins three times a day. With assorted teas that I was required to drink all day too. I know the natural healing path is a long and often slow one and ultimately I am willing to walk that path if that is what it takes to heal my body and MOVE ON.

Now I know a bit more about it and now I know that before the buying of the stuff there needs to be saliva testing, blood tests, kineseology, things of that nature. The problem with that is that I am not really able to afford all of that. For the first time in a very long time I have a job that provides health insurance but of course they do not pay for any of this since it's through a naturopath.

While it's important for me to get better really any way you shake it there is added pressure due to the fact that I think we're going to look at getting pregnant in December. I know that I NEED to get my health sorted out before we try again because I can't help but think that it is because of my health problems that we lost the last baby. I don't ever want to go through that again. It was a late term miscarriage which is more rare and the doctors weren't able to find anything wrong with the baby so I believe it was because of me. Of course like everyone we want to have a healthy baby and I know that if I am able to get myself put back together first we'll have much better chances of that.

I've begun cutting out all products that are not organic to reduce our exposure to chemicals. That means deodorant, shampoo & conditioner, lotions, soaps, cleaning products, anything that has SLS (sodium lauryl sulfate) and other scary things. I've also started to get strict about cooking as opposed to eating microwave entrees for nearly every meal. We got started on that because we can count the calories and it was less work but ultimately we ended up getting spoiled by the convenience while our bodies suffer with chemical, preservative laden foods. So we're detoxing and really working on changing our lifestyle.

My mom has been seeing a naturopath where she lives and she's convinced he knows what's up. He had her do all the tests and scientifically was able to figure out what was causing her ills and has begun to facilitate healing. She's very happy with the results. She healed up from a major surgery in record time thanks to his intervention in her post-op protocol. Okay, so this is where it gets interesting, the doctor that she is seeing has a receptionist who my mom started hanging out with- nice lady. One day my parents are hanging out with her and her husband and the subject of a nerve problem my dad was just diagnosed with came up. The husband says to his wife, "have you told them about Solomon?" and she replied with a red face "no, I haven't....I don't tell many people about Solomon." Well, naturally my parent's curiosity was peaked and they prompted her to just go ahead and tell them and they would listen with an open mind. The story that they told my parents is the reason I am flying to Auburn, Indiana in September.

In Amish country, specifically Auburn, Indiana there is a Amish man named Solomon Wickey. He has been reputed to be a magnificent healer. He is a master Herbalist, a kinesiology practitioner as well as an iridology practitioner. Above that though he is a "release" healer. In a release, which requires spirituality and a basic faith in God, hands are laid on the ill person and the affliction is “released out of the body.” Okay, so this is where it gets a little far out, right?

The couple went on to tell my parent's that the man had been afflicted with horrible pain in his knees his whole life. Since childhood he'd had to deal with the pain, swelling and lack of mobility. Doctors suggested surgery but weren't able to provide him with good enough odds to outweigh the risks and the cost so he figured he'd just have to live with it. That is until a friend of his found out about and saw a healer named Solomon. And so they left to visit him and see for themselves if he could heal his knee problems. He was told that his problems arose from improperly formed hips. He had him lay down as he moved his hands around above his body. After a bit he told him, "okay, you are fine now, you can go." The man didn't really understand and asked him, "well, so what do I need to take and what do I need to do?" Solomon's reply was, "nothing. You are healed. " And sure enough, when he rose and begun to walk he immediately noticed that the pain was gone. It hasn't returned since.

That got my attention.



To be continued.....

Positive Vibrations

I need to be channeling Bob Marley in a big way. And not just in the weed smoking department.

I've been so negative that it's really slowing me down. This summer it seems has been one of constant stress, disappointment, frustration and rampant negativity. It doesn't help that on top of my own b.s. it seems many of my friends and family are having a tough time of it lately too. The media certainly doesn't help either. I usually make a point not to read the news (not having T.V. keeps me away from seeing it) just to keep my head out of the 'fear fog' as I like to call it. Now and again though I'll get sucked in by some perfectly horrid tag line out of crazy curiosity and I'm always sad I did. Sensationalistic headlines are rarely highlighting some wonderful achievement or some beautiful miracle. They are usually showcasing the dredges of humanity, some horrific event that has happened. And what I don't need is any more proof that people are strange and horrible. I really need to start focusing heavily on positivity and drawing that energy to me. Dwelling on my families problems and trudging through my own then drowning in the sea of sorrow that is humanity is just messing with my head. I've been fighting this depression that I know so well, it knocks on the door every so often and if I'm not careful it sneaks in and takes up residence on my mental couch. It's a rude house guest and I swore I'd never let it in again after the last time it crept in and kept up residence for two years straight. Now, that was some tough times. Nothing like now. Thank the Goddess. I shall endeavor to fight the good fight.

Well, that's enough of that. Moving on and moving up.
I do have some good news to report. I finally couldn't keep my thoughts to myself and I talked with my man about my baby issues/questions. He said all the right things. For a change of pace. It was such a relief, especially due to the fact that I had wicked PMS and the hormonal surges held me captive in a dingy on high seas. One big wave could have capsized my raft and thankfully he didn't. Again, for a change of pace. I'm being hard on him but historically...well, let's just say it's not usually that smooth. He's as excited about this next venture in our lives as much as I am (he wanted to have a baby all along, it's me that took 11 years of our relationship to decide I did too) so he is willing to make the sacrifices that come along with a baby. We're thinking we'll look more closely at planning a time to start 'trying' which is a funny way to put it. I guess it's more like we'll not concentrate on not getting pregnant. Whichever you prefer I guess. Firstly I've got to get some health questions answered and get in better shape. I need to get my blood sugar problems figured out so I don't have the risk of getting gestational diabetes. More on the doctor dilemma another day, that's another source of negativity that I want to stay away from today.

I am making some progress on the magick front. I spent all day last sunday with Swan having a great session and hanging out. She is such a grounding force in my life, a wonderful teacher, an inspiring friend and an all around kick ass human being. Her and her man are just simply wonderful. They always feed me new & exciting food and wines every time I see them. I've renewed my commitment to the study of Witchcraft and am actively working towards creating a daily spiritual practice. This is something I've been yearning for my whole life and never really implemented. Next time I post will be to give a detailed account of the prayer beads she had me make and all that goes with that exercise.

Alas, I've got to get ready to head to the cubicle maze that is my job so I'll have to get into that later which will be a nice break from whining about my problems. I'm sure all four of you who read this will be glad to move on too! Thanks for sticking in there with me~

Brightest blessings to you all and may the Goddess hold you close and whisper in your ear~

All is Love
Love is all
Blessed be.

Oooooh baby baby it's a wild world....

Let me just start by saying, I had other ideas for this blog. Because not many people have a real, true understanding of what Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism is I don’t have hardly anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking about my training with. I wanted a way to catalog this amazing experience, maybe find an audience who can relate or expound upon what I’m going through. I never intended to make this a personal ‘boo-hoo’ blog. I’ve been careful about what I post cause we all know that once you put something up online it’s there. Maybe forever. And I also want to apologize if people are here to be a part of the Wicca/ Witchcraft/ Paganism dialog and are left wondering, what is all this crap about babies? Let’s talk about the moon and spells and such! Well, I’ll be getting back to that, I promise.

Right now? Today? My mind isn’t on those things.

I’m still in a funk about the baby question. Okay, don’t run screaming, we are going to go down that road again and I must warn you that I talk about my period at the end. There, I said it. Now……

I’ve been wondering lately about hormones. Fun topic huh? Well, it’s been a health concern of mine for so long I can’t hardly remember when it wasn’t. What’s troubling me right now is that I have been wondering if it isn’t hormones that is pressing this baby issue. Okay, I’ll back up and explain where this comes from. Right after I lost the baby last year I was still all a twitter with the pregnancy hormones which kept screaming “BABY BABY BABY” and had me convinced that as soon as we got the green light to go ahead with another pregnancy that we would be trying RIGHT AWAY. Well, better sense prevailed and we realized that we *still* had a lot of stuff to get in order before we trundled off down that road. Waiting was the right thing to do. Here we are, a year later and while we are getting closer to being ready to try again we’ve decided it’s best to wait till I get some of my health issues in order, till we are closer to moving near my parents (our volunteer daycare) and about a hundred other reasons. I believe I mentioned in a previous post how I’ve been agonizing about wanting to have the baby NOW….and then, at some point I began to ponder…is it really the best thing for us to get pregnant? Not just now, but ever?

Here’s the facts, and feel free to chime in with your ‘two cents worth’ cause I could really use some help here.

We are moving to be closer to my parents who have graciously offered to help watch our baby since it’s unlikely I’m not going to have to work. This is spectacular, right? Yes. It definitely is. The problem? It’s impossible to think that me having to work will be temporary when we’ll be trying to buy/build a house, have a baby, and transition into new jobs essentially all at once. I really don’t want to be a full time working mother, even if the daycare is my very own kick ass mom.

I don’t think I’ll be able to stand missing out on EVERYTHING. All of the times I was a nanny and I would get to see the first steps, hear the first word, get to cuddle with them as they napped, teach them new things, I would think to myself that if this were MY kid I wouldn’t miss that for the world. Now, to be fair, the people I worked for didn’t NEED to work, they chose to because they wanted MORE and weren’t content with less.

That will not be the case with us as we are not starting out with anything and wouldn’t be able to get by with even just the two of us on one income. So, I would be doing just what I always said I thought was fundamentally wrong. Having a baby that you can’t raise yourself. Why would someone do that? Because they want that baby and come hell or high water they will get it! Is it the best thing for the baby? No. I know that. All of my years in childcare tell me so. The kids suffer and that is a fact. Now, if we had gotten pregnant by ‘accident’ like before then it’s out of my control. But at this point we’re making a decision to have a baby. Different thing altogether. Plus, my parent’s can’t get stuck raising the baby full time. I’m sure my mom would love to help out especially in the beginning but she has stuff going on too and giving up everything to raise our baby long term isn’t right.

The other problem that has been plaguing me is that my man has always wanted to be an artist. He’s amazing at it. The problem there? Let me count the ways. Here’s a few, he’s made little to no contact with the art world and has absolutely no job prospects in this field. He would/will have to start from ground zero to make this happen and doesn’t want to try to work a full time job and do it in his off hours. He’s terrified of getting stuck in some job he doesn’t give a shit about just to put food on the table and never ending up realizing his full potential. I totally one hundred percent get that. We’re a little late in the game to wait to have a baby until his art career is lucrative enough to support our family. If that ever happens. The saying ‘starving artist’ isn’t just a cliché. It’s for reals. I know a ton of them. I’m surrounded by them. So is he going to resent me if we do go ahead with the baby and his art career doesn’t take off? Am I going to resent him for chasing his dream while I’m working 40 hr. weeks and missing out on our child’s childhood?

And then, there are others who say “you can’t over think this, just go for it and it will all work out.” Or, “you can’t plan for the future, you just do the best that you can.” All this is fine and good but is it the most responsible way to look at the choice to have a child? Even though, yeah, it would all likely turn out just fine. I think most of the world gets pregnant by surprise. But I also know that it makes it really tough. I know a hundred families who have/are struggled/struggling through unplanned children. Many relationships don’t survive. Dreams of art careers die. Mothers end up working through their children’s childhoods.

And so I’m right back to where I started, do I really want to have a baby or is my body simply following historical protocol by tricking me, telling me it’s time to procreate against all odds? Do the cons to having a baby outweigh the pros? The answers my head gives me are different than the ones my heart is giving me. I was a week late ‘starting’ this month and I was completely torn 50/50. One part of me was really really hoping that maybe I was *magically* pregnant (therefore releasing me from this huge decision) and the other part of me was scared and sad that I haven’t gotten my health taken care of and for all the other above mentioned reasons. And when I finally started? There was a part of me that was disappointed. I’m a freakin’ wreck.

Advice?

Discuss.

Love Hoodie Love

I always get such fascinating tidbits from one of my favorite blogs:

Lady Lavona's Cabinet of Curiosities (you'll find her in my sidebar of blogs that I follow)

And just look at what she's turned me onto now!

The designer's name is Lindsey Thornburg:

This woman has done what I've lusted over forever- a HOODIE CLOAK.

In three different lengths no less!!! The mid length is the cutest me thinks and I WANT I WANT I WANT ONE!!! Of course as she is a designer one can only purchase her things at boutiques and only in New York apparently.

So I did what any sensible (read: sewing & monetarily challenged) girl would do in this situation. I asked my grandma to make one for me.

Because, while I have every intention of one day learning how to sew I'm not kidding myself by thinking it will be any time real soon and I would desperately love to have one of these by Autumn!! We'll see what she says, my grandmother is a freakin' whiz at all types of sewing though she usually insists that she have a pattern to make it perfect.

I'll have to make sure I purchase my very own fabric though because while she can sew a sweater for the devil himself and make it adorable she has the WORST taste in fabric & colors. I keep telling her that while I appreciate all of the things she has knitted/sewn for me over the years that if she would just make everything BLACK it will be a winner for sure (read: no longer banished to totes in the storage unit). What was the very next thing I received? A pastel pink & mint green knitted throw. Bleck.

If I had to pick one color actually can't stand it would be pink. Pretty much everything she makes for me is some shade of pink. And since she is a bargain shopper to beat all she usually picks up her yarn/fabric out of the clearance bin so not only is it pink it's usually some insanely hideous shade of pink that no other human being wanted.

Oh, I hope I hope I hope she'll make it for me...I should look around online and see if I can find a pattern for this...

p.s. don't hate me for getting excited about Autumn already, I'm in the minority here, I know. At least Giggly is with me on this!

La Mer

I'm missing the ocean.

We went camping this weekend and I did get to float down a fantastically lazy river.....

Alas, all it did was make me miss the ocean even more.

I miss the sound of the waves, the vastness of the sea-as far as the eye can see, the cool salty spray, the plaintive cry of the gulls, the sound of my feet as they make their way across the sand....

I hope one day I will get to live near the sea~

Baby Brain

On the subject of my summer funk-

(Sorry for those of you who are tired of me musing about my quasi- depression)

I’ve been noticing that there is one thing on my mind an awful lot. I’ll give you a couple of hints:

They cry a lot.

They are irresistibly cute.

They must be fed, dressed, changed, molded and loved 24-7.

No, it’s not another husband…

Of course it’s babies.

And for those of you who know through blogging or from our personal relationship, we lost a baby a little over a year ago. What is strange to me is that while I’ve always loved babies and have been a babysitter/nanny off & on since before puberty I never thought I wanted to have my own kids. This sentiment carried on until I actually got pregnant and then I reassessed my reasoning and realized that I do want a baby, what I did not want was to be a shut-in mom like so many I had known before. (It’s such a long convoluted story and I think I already covered this in a subsequent post..)

Suffice to say, I’m on the baby train now. And what makes it even more appealing is that I am working a job that is not physically demanding, has amazing benefits with ample maternity leave. The hang up? We don’t want to have a baby and then immediately after the maternity leave is up ship it off to daycare. My mom has graciously offered to be our daycare when we do have a baby but it’s got to be when we are all finally living in the same state. Now, this is the plan, we are counting on it and working towards it but we are all at least a year off from moving. The husband and I are waiting for our company to relocate and give us our severance package before we move. My parents have had their house up for sale for nearly a year now trying to move....Who knows when this will all come together…

Everyone I see these days either has a newborn baby or is pregnant. My ovaries keep telling me “Just do it. Go for it. You’re ready now. Do it.”
And then my brain says, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve got to think this out and do it when the time is right. You can’t afford daycare, you don’t want to send your newborn baby to be raised by a stranger, you don’t know when the company is shutting down so get a grip on yourself sister!”

And so, in protest, my ovaries are staging a riot. They keep barraging my brain with thoughts of babies. Constantly. I find myself feeling resentful of others who do have babies. I feel like the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’, my heart feels very small and lumpy when I find myself being resentful of other people’s happiness. Especially about babies, I feel like some sort of monster.

I had heard about women like me, I certainly never thought I would be one. And yet here I am, getting weepy over cute baby clothes, scowling at pregnant women, talking myself into & out of getting pregnant right now….it’s all so messed up. I buy baby stuff if it’s super duper cute and really cheap. I’m convinced when I do have a baby it’s going to be a girl so if that’s not the case then someone better have one cause I’ve amassed a little pile….

And though I’ve kind of sort of talked to my mom & my man about all of this I feel so….embarrassed about it I just keep it to myself mainly. I really really want a baby but in order for that to happen right now everything needs to be drastically different. I find myself being snippy with my man and I wonder if I’m not feeling resentful on some deeper level that he’s not as ready as I am? He wants a baby too but he isn’t feeling the big push I am. He keeps telling me he’s got to get his career figured out first and get some financial stability before we get pregnant. Before we actually got pregnant he was the one who was excited for us to get pregnant. Is he scared we’ll lose another baby? How long does he think we have to do this? We’re getting older every day and the thought of having our child graduate high school right around our 80th birthdays is not appealing.

Is this all hormonal? Is this all just yet another cruel trick played out on us women? Are we helpless against the onslaught of our hormones and our conditioning? Is it cellular memory to want to have babies?

Shit, it’s just too damn hot today to continue to ruminate on such things…
Thanks for sticking in there with me as I sort through this mess~

Disconnect

I know what this feeling is.

I’ve figured it out.

There are peripherary reasons I’ve been depressed and cranky and then there is the core reason.

The peripherary reasons are that I do not function well in a mess. Our house is still full of boxes and the impending work and disorganization is driving me crazy.

Also, I’ve stopped exercising entirely. I went from working out every day, taking my vitamins and counting my calories to eating whatever I damn well please and not exercising at all. My old self-indulgent self is back.

The core reason I’m depressed is so familiar, I’m amazed I didn’t see it for what it is earlier. I’ve known this depression before, it’s being disconnected. I’m disconnected from my spiritual life, disconnected from my body, disconnected from my family, disconnected from my creative self, disconnected from friends. I’ve reverted to being a blob. I eat, work, sleep, watch movies and eat, work, sleep some more. I can’t believe I didn’t realize this sooner. Sometimes I feel like being human is the equivalent to trying to swim through mud. Why are we so dense? Why does it take so long for simple ideas to take root? Why do we make the same mistakes over and over?

Infinitely frustrating.

I’m digging myself back out of the hole I’ve recently realized I’ve buried myself in. I’ve got to get my spiritual foundation constructed. It’s absolutely essential. Any advice? Ideas? Do you or anyone you know have a steady, daily spiritual practice?

My homework for ‘class’ this Sunday is to construct a set of pagan prayer beads and come up with three possible mantras. I’ve also been set to the task of researching the use of prayer beads throughout the world religions. So far I’ve done my research and am interested to see nearly every world religion employs some sort of prayer beads. Must be good stuff. It’s a tool that just might be the best idea yet, I’ve got Swan to thank for that, she’s aces.

Crab People!

I've been really crabby lately.

Not sure why.

Is it the heat? Humidity? Summer always makes me kinda cranky, weird I know, but true.

Maybe it's the fact that my house still isn't put together after 3 weeks. I've done almost everything and decided to leave one room to my guy and here we are, weeks later and it's still barely even started. Sometimes I think I'm going to lose it and strangle him. But then I remember that I love him. Emotions are such complicated things. Oh, to be human.

Also, it seems like everyone is pregnant right now and that's really been bumming me out too. It's so super mega lame to feel that way, I should be happy for them but I can't help but feel slighted by it. I know, it's my own trip and I'm a horrible person but dammit, it's true. I can't tell anyone else except for you, blogger- you are my only friend. Okay, so that's not true but I can't admit that steamy little fact to anyone.

I guess I just want to run away from my life for awhile. I know everyone feels this way from time to time, makes me feel a little better.

Okay, enough belly-aching. I've got to pull myself together.

Parking Lot Kids

The biggest downfall to our new neighborhood is our neighbors.

Luckily we aren’t in a scary neighborhood like we have been previously; it’s just more economically depressed than our very last neighborhood. So while I’m not worried for my personal safety I am a little concerned about our house being broken into. But not much.

What worries me the most are the parking lot kids.

There is a whole herd of kids that live in our row of townhouses and they all seem to be raising themselves. I know its summer and school is out but the fact that I see these kids out in what is essentially a parking lot all day every day without any adults around seems crappy. Some of them are pretty young too; the youngest can’t be more than three years old. The older ones are too old to be wandering around with nothing constructive to do- that’s where vandalism and petty theft come a’knockin. Kids will figure out something to do and likely without a positive adult influence it’ll be something they know they aren’t supposed to do. Duh.

I had never seen any of the parents until this weekend. The youngest little girl I’d seen was talking to this woman who was on her way somewhere. I don’t mean to come off sounding like a prude but the outfit this woman was wearing was….scandalous to say the least. Everything God gave her to identify her as a woman was hanging out for the world to see. There was a man waiting for her in an Escalade with a boomin’ system. The woman is waving the little girl away as she’s reaching out for her and following her. The look on the woman's face tells me she’s irritated that the little girl wants her attention and she’s ready to go have fun with her man friend. It’s 85 degrees in the shade outside and she wants the little girl to just leave her alone and go back to sitting in the concrete parking lot, alone. The little girl finally turns around to start walking back towards the houses and I can see she is devastated. She’s crying so hard she can barely see where she is going. The lady stops for a second and watches her, finally I see her face soften a little bit and she walks over to the baby girl and pats her on the shoulder then turns back around and walks to the car and leaves. The little girl is sobbing. It’s so heartbreaking watching her, all alone, crying. How that woman could walk away without picking her up, holding her, drying her tears….I was even crying for heaven’s sake! I felt so bad for her, here I am, listening to music in the a/c, making delicious cookies, having a great time and there she is, all alone and crying out in the hot sun.

Throughout the day I see all of them, just wandering around, trying to amuse themselves. They don’t have any toys, only a couple of them have bikes, absolutely nothing to do but be invisible. I don’t even know if there are actually adults home or not. I’m not sure if they are sitting inside watching t.v. or at work or hangin’ at the bar with their friends or sitting inside getting high…who the hell knows. I don’t really know what to do.

I keep thinking about calling child protection services. But is that the right call? I don’t know that taking them away from whatever parent situation they have is right, what is waiting for them after that? Foster homes? Putting a child in the system at such a young age….I just don’t know if that is the right call. I don't want to turn a blind eye and be another person who lets them slip through the cracks. I also don't want to take away what little security they have and send them into a foster care world that I have serious reservations about. I guess what I’ve decided is that I am going to call child protection services and just see what happens when someone reports someone else. Anonymously of course. I don't want any of that action knocking on my front door. I don’t know a thing about how the system works and educating myself firstly would probably be the best way to go about it.

A whole generation of inner city kids are raising themselves. And we all watch the news and look at the crime in our neighborhoods and wonder how it all go so messed up. Parking lot kids. It just breaks my heart.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I apologize for my long absence, we haven’t had internet for nearly a month now and likely won’t have it for a couple of weeks more. I am able to get online where I work but have been….trepidatious about posting here. Everything we access online while at work can be monitored, whether or not it actually is- hard to say. Paranoia has gotten me pretty far in life without too many slip-ups so I’m always inclined towards the paranoid.

It’s been so long since I posted though and I’ve been itching to get back to it so I’m just going for it. I don’t have much on the Wicca front to speak of- which is initially why I shied away from writing (before the move and loss of internet.) I had all of these big plans for how organized and efficient I was going to be in the new house. A lot of those plans included my revamped study/practice regime for my Wiccan studies.

So far we are still wading through boxes. What we have gotten done I am very happy with- we’ve been pretty on top of figuring out ways to maximize the space we now have versus the lack of shelving/storage. It’s nice to be in a town-home again as opposed to the one bedroom apartment. Our other place was very cozy and it was nice to have it just be the two of us but luckily we’ve got a wonderful roommate who is easy to live with and a very close friend so all’s well.

Our actual place is pretty nice, there was quite a bit that needed to be done with it upon moving in, every one of the sinks were leaking, there was little to no cleaning done by the previous tenants upon move-out and we’ve got far too much stuff for the space but all of these things have been being worked out.

One thing I’ve been loving is our kitchen.

It’s much bigger than our last kitchen and I’m finally able to have all of our appliances within reach (even though I’m still not able to have them all in the actual kitchen…sigh). I’m getting ready to launch my big cooking/juicing campaign. The farmer’s markets are getting into full swing again and just in time too cause my scale tells me I’ve been gaining back the weight I lost before the wedding. BOOO, HISSS!! We’ve got to recommit to eating right (and not eating out for nearly every meal) as well as working out. We dropped the gym membership to save some money and so it’s up to me to figure out a home work out plan that does the trick.

So, very little actual info here, just a big long rambling post about being in transition. I’m so ready to get cooking, painting, crafting, studying, all of it. But it looks like I must be patient a little longer.

Body Electric

Now that one project has finished it is time to begin another~

My new projects are ambitious but then again so was the wedding and the self transformation boot camp I put myself through. And while I'm not done with working out and changing my eating I'm taking a little different approach. I've started reading more about organics and sustainable farming. I'm teaching myself how to shop and how to cook differently. I even bought a juicer! I've got a fast/detox looming on the horizon. I've got to learn how to eat and cook properly before baby!

My studies have sadly fallen by the wayside of late with Swan. I'm meeting her later this month...it bums me out we've stalled and I've got to do something about it. Step it up. Remember daily spiritual practice? Remember your dedication vows? Arg.

Oh, and aside from moving (again) I'm starting to prep for an art show in August. I've got big aspirations, we'll see. Finishing artwork is not something I'm familiar with...

Okay, my break is over, back to painting, just wanted to pop in....

oh well

i was almost a mother.

mother's day still makes me just a little sad.

i wonder if my friends and family remember my almost motherhood today?

oh well.

sigh

peek-a-boo

i'm not gone, just on sabbatical.

i'm cooking up some new projects, a new regime now that the wedding regime has ended.

stay tuned.

Takin' Some Time

I keep telling myself I've got far far too many other things I should be doing instead of writing on this blog but y'know what? I never write anymore. Not just here, but anywhere. No journaling. No poetry. No fiction. It sucks. And frankly I don't feel up to writing anywhere else so I'm going to do a little rambling here.

Bear with me as I muse about weddings.

I'm getting married in April. Pretty soon huh? Don't I know it.

Early on people (firstly my mom of course) told me to "be careful, weddings take on a life of their own, don't let this one become a beast!" I scoffed. (Yeah, I'm a scoffer ;)

Foolishly I thought, "not me, not my wedding. I'm going to keep it simple and under control."

Riiiiiiiggght.

The problem has not been outside pressure or an urge to please others, no disagreements between my fiance and myself. My problem is simply.....me. At first I was going super duper simple. No favors. No chair covers/sashes. I'll take the cake they offer for free and not really care what it looks like. On and on.

As time wore on I became increasingly inspired. Doesn't sound like a bad thing but trust me when I say inspired (for me) is anything but simple. I became obsessed with the centerpieces. The only decoration we are doing is the tables. We aren't doing any special lighting, no big floral arrangements, just tables. So in my mind they needed to be utterly spectacular tables. How to create spectacular tables on a very tight budget? That was my mission. Well, the one thing that didn't change in the end is that we aren't hanging any special decorative lighting and we still aren't doing any big floral arrangements.

We are however not taking their cake, I saw pictures and it's just poop. I was shocked at how bad it looked, really. Anywho, we found a great lady who is going to make us a fabulous cake. A cake I still have to desing... We scored free chair covers out of the deal since the cake was part of the package price we traded it for nice white chair covers. I saw their chairs. Lame. They are a dark maroon color when the drapes and color palette is all dark green and cream. Weird. Our wedding colors are a bright chartreuse green & crisp white. (Incidentally those are the colors of my dress as well, ;~)

I went around and around with myself on the tables looking for just the right thing to spark THE VISION. I wish I had a meter on the Internet at work & home so I could see just how many hours I scoured the web. There is a staggering amount of shit on the web that is related to weddings. It's no shit that it is a 40-70 BILLION dollar a year industry. Numbers are shaky hence the huge gap but there are so many independent people who own shops or work out of their homes that do not contribute to the statistics that it's hard to get an accurate account. It's reported that the average wedding in the U.S. costs $28,000.00.

Hard to believe. The only person I know that even comes close to that number is someone I work with who said her wedding came in at about $25,000.00. Not including the honeymoon. Most people I know don't even come remotely close to that number but I don't doubt that it's possible.

Selling fairy tales is a big business. Selling status is an even bigger one.

I worked some weddings at the country club I used to slave for that were re-dic-ulous. Waaay over the top. Whateva. It's not my thing but don't get the idea that I look down on others who do it that way, to each their own. I would rather spend my money on stuff to do while I'm there.

It looks like I'm actually going to make my predicted budget of $5-6,000.00 . It is a destination wedding, so of course it's going to be a little spendy. But that's why we waited so long so that we could be in a position to do it the way we always dreamed. Tropical. Vacation with all of our close friends and family. Oh yeah.

Okay, so I should quit crying but this really has turned into such a fiasco. Ultimately the tables are going to be a vision. I've received most of the stuff that will be going on the tables and it's all divine. I'll post pics of the reception, promise.

I had a moment of divine inspiration for the tables. It was weird, it came to me in a flash and it was completely perfect, completely me, completely unique. Somewhere along the line I decided that I didn't really want a simple no frills wedding because in the end what I am doing is throwing a party for myself, for him and for all of our friends and family and dammit, I'm going to show them how it's done! (he he he) I've always enjoyed throwing people birthday parties, being the hostess is a tough job but pretty damn fun too. And because I did log in all those hours I was able to get some pretty sweet deals on everything. I haven't paid full price for anything yet except my dress, his clothes and the flowers.

That said, I'm so tired of planning. I just want the fun part to start already. I can't imagine those brave souls that have hundreds of guests. I've got 30 and it's a bit much. Then again, the most stressful part has been handling every one's lodging for the week. Asking people for $$$$ is never fun. Having to demand it because they won't adhere to deadlines is double not fun.

Soon it will all be worth it. I just keep looking at the pictures I've got in my head.

Oh, and I'm two sizes smaller now thanks to spending half my life at the gym. It's worth it though, there's just no freakin' short cuts to getting slim and feeling better. Damn it. It's true.

On a side note:
Anyone down with Poetry Daily? There is some inspired work on this site.
http://poems.com/

How 'bout Verse Daily?
http://www.versedaily.org/index.shtml

That's my little poetry nudge.

~Peace out~


~Blessings~