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Friday, November 20, 2009

It just goes on and on and on

Well, I really didn't want this blog to end up being all about me & my health problems but that's what I'm dealing with right now so I guess that's all I've got to talk about.

To relate my health issues to my year & a day training I do remember when I was still visiting with a coven I was considering for training, they stressed over and over that once you take on this training be aware that your life will change in very dramatic ways and that you must be ready for the transformation and welcome it or you will not be happy with the turn of events you will find yourself in. I knew at the time that I signed on for this training that I was ready for my life to change, I was ready to be new and different and that shrugging off my old self was the only way I was going to survive. My mental weaknesses as well as my physical weaknesses were hindering me on every plane- celestial as well as physical. The death of my old self continues to be a struggle and I continue to fight my way through this transformation. I believe that as the wheel turns and I come closer to having completed my year & a day training that I have moved closer to my rebirth.

The day after I returned from visiting Solomon I became very very ill, I passed out at work and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. (nothing quite like having a total meltdown in front of a decent number of people you work with and having the entire facility find out about it) It was horrible, the pain itself, the cold hospital room, my husbands worried face, the pain of the IV, the tests and the waiting, the condescending nature of my doctor who looked like he was younger than me by a few years (who also incidentally was chewing gum throughout our discussions all the while making faces every time I would use the word homeopathic) and since I've become much more sensitive to what is in medicines and now that I know I have to make sure I'm not exposed to aluminum or sugar I was so scared that after just returning I was already re-exposed to either of them and this 2nd detox was all for nothing.

I don't know for certain if I was re-exposed, the nurses/doctors themselves didn't know for sure if either of those things were ingredients in what I was given and seemed incredulous and annoyed that I should care. One of my nurses was amazed that I chose to decline any pain medication until the results of my pregnancy tests came back- I was pretty certain I wasn't but if you are about to be shot up with morphine isn't it a good idea to be sure?

Dealing with the ignorance surrounding my health issues and my choice of treatment has been difficult to say the least. So after just returning from being gone for two days and using up my last days of vacation to see Solomon I only made it through one day of work and then missed the next two due to my little episode of vasovagal syncope with accompanying migraine. So to hope that I might be allowed to work some sort of deal with my work around trying to get back to see Solomon in two weeks was a vain hope indeed. My boss practically laughed at me when I asked. His reply was, "there are a lot of doctors around here, why don't you try to see someone local?" Duh!! Seriously? What an idiotic question. Like I don't know there are doctors where I live? I wanted to leap across his desk and slap the shit out of him. I got the same reaction from the next two people I had to talk to about the possibility with just to make sure I had my bases covered. It was a resounding NO. So, that was tailspin #3.

To recap, #1. Solomon says the detox did not work, I am, in fact, not a brand new woman as promised. #2. The day after returning I am rushed to the ER and pumped full of all kinds of pain medications to which I do not know the ingredients and which also caused a massive migraine that lasted for 15 hrs. #3. I will not be allowed to float vacation days from next year to allow me to go back to see Solomon to see if this detox is over and I can find out what the hell else is wrong with me and address that so I can FINALLY MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE!!!.

It's such a slippery slope. I am, finally, feeling much better though. I'm noticing a lot of positive changes in my body this week. My energy level is rising, I'm sleeping better, my hair has stopped falling out, my skin problems seem to be clearing up nicely, I've lost 6lbs. in the last few days and mentally I feel more alert and not so easily overwhelmed.

I still haven't decided definitively what I am going to do about when/if I'm going to go ahead and go off of the detox diet once my 15 days are up. I'll continue to do many of the things that I'm doing now just because they are much healthier anyway but I would like to be able to eat out one of these days and with the holidays coming I'm hosting Christmas at my house and I want to be able to cook food for my family that doesn't have quite so many restrictions. I have vowed to go gluten free whenever possible, I will never buy aluminum foil again, I will not be cooking with white sugar or white flour and I will very rarely if ever eat processed food again. It's just that there are these Godiva truffles sitting on my desk (a gift that was ironically given to me the first day I started my detox) that I would LOVE to have just at least ONE of!!! It's the holidays for goodness sake!! There's delicious food all around me!! It's torture!! We had our company thanksgiving dinner yesterday and I sat in my cubicle and tried not to pout-even though I knew someone had brought pumpkin creme pie- and eat my beef soup. This girl be gettin' cranky.

Oh well, I tell myself, it's all part of the process I suppose.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Back from visiting Solomon

I returned from seeing my holistic practitioner in Indiana this morning with the results of my metals/yeast detox.

Unfortunately the results weren't good.

He told me that when I first went to see him my aluminum level was at a level 8 on a scale of 1-10 and on Tuesday when he saw me I was a 5. The answer I was looking for was 0.


No such luck.

As I was preparing to go see him I thought that something was wrong because he had told me that when I got down to a 0 the aluminum would be gone and the yeast would be gone as well and that I would feel completely different and the change would be dramatic. Well, while I do feel a little bit better I certainly do not feel like the brand new person he had proclaimed I would be. So, I have to follow the protocol for another 15 days and then we'll see what's up.


He said that the yeast had not been eliminated due to the ever present levels of aluminum. The best part is that because my aluminum level was not as high as before he was able to rapid detox the remaining metals out of my system and I am now testing at a 0 level. This should ensure that the protocol does it's good work and I should be all good in 15 more days.

At first I was so bummed and very discouraged and then my mom pointed something that got my attention. With the knowledge that I wasn't feeling any better if he had told me that the yeast/metals were indeed all out of my system that would have been the worst thing of all because then it would mean that either he was wrong and that wasn't my problem all along or that there was some other horrible disease/problem lurking that I would then have to deal with.
So, I will forge ahead.
Boldly going where no sugar, vinegar, white flour, mushrooms, alcohol, and processed foods go. There I'll be.


Thank you to everyone for all of your support and encouragement!!
I'll keep you all updated as this saga unfolds ;)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

who knew?

Is this baby pain ever going to relent?

Why is it that I'm constantly struck by this longing?

My whole life I never thought I wanted to be a mother then in my 30's I get pregnant, get used to the idea (and actually get very excited) and then lose the baby and now it's on my mind all the freakin' time (it's been a little over a year since we lost her.)

A co-worker just had a baby today and I had to go buy a card and will be picking out the company gift... it's like a hundred needles poking into my heart at the same time.

I have to keep telling myself that it's just not the right time for us, most especially because of my health.

I'm trying not to live in the future but it's so very difficult.

Sigh.

Monday, November 2, 2009

It's the Final Countdown!

One more week until I go back to Solomon and see if this detox has gotten rid of the systemic yeast.

I can't freaking wait.

I'm so nervous I'm going to screw this up, I've been having dreams where I'll be eating something and really enjoying it and then out of the blue I'll realize it has sugar and I can't have sugar and now I've ruined the whole thing and I've already bought plane tickets and what am I going to do now, how could I have screwed this all up.....blah blah blah. You get the point. I'm so freaked out that I've inadvertently messed this detox up. I pray to all that is holy that is not the case because friends, I HAVE SUFFERED FOR THIS!! (my husband & roommate will tell you they've suffered as well, and it's true, sorry!)

Last week was not nearly as bad as the first (the week we dubbed 'trial run' see previous post for details) week without sugar. All in all I've had 3 migraines and a ton of long running headaches. Not to mention the insomnia, the stomach aches, my neck muscles seizing up, the intense cranky-ness- the moodiness all around has been epic. I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry over greeting cards in the grocery store. Help me! Yikes....

This week I've got high hopes that there won't be anymore headaches but then again what if that means that it's not working as well as it should? I've had the mentality throughout this detox that I would have to suffer because that would be my indication that the nasty ol' yeasties and metals were on their way out. I've read that it's likely to be the most intensely horrible thing ever. I have suffered, not anything I don't go through regularly, just a lot more intense and all crammed together in a short period of time. All while having to go to work. I did have to leave for one of the migraines, they tend to frown on you throwing up in your cubicle...hmph.

I have to say that a new little insidious fear has creeped in, I have to wonder what Solomon is going to be able to see going on in here when this is gone and he is able to do a more intense body scan. I guess we'll just have to see. I sincerely hope I'll be able to move forward and just concentrate on a good diet & exercise regime....no more medicines or strict dietary restrictions....
(please, please, please, please, please, please, please)

It's amazing how many things contain sugar. One of the most surprising and most irritating is beef broth. BEEF BROTH OF ALL THINGS!!! Geez...it's tough. Go ahead and cut out flour too and see where that gets you! No stew without flour, damn. And while I may be able to substitute something for it let's just say I gave that whirl last week and those meals were uh, hmmm, well, practically inedible. This week looks to be going better just because I stopped trying to adapt recipes to work without my list of 'without ingredients' and just went plain and simple. Chicken veggie soup. Pretty basic. And it turned out amazingly well. I also made a beef veggie soup, bell peppers stuffed with hash browns & seasoned hamburger, Oriental spicy orange chicken and habanero hamburger patties w/ some AMAZING cheese I got from Whole Foods (it's called 'seaside cheddar' if you want to know and it's TO DIE FOR!!!)

Swan & I haven't been able to coordinate our schedules for the year & a day class for quite some time now but it was great to meet up with her this weekend and just hang out and have fun. It's been a bit of a slippery slope for her I think trying to figure out how to be my mentor and be my friend at the same time. Not knowing me she wasn't sure how that would work and if I would take advantage or if it would hinder her ability to be a teacher when there is a tough truth to be told. I think we've got that worked out though and I personally don't see any issue. I'm so blessed to have her as my friend, I wanted to hang out with her the first time I met her, I guess you could say I had a friend crush~ I could just see all the cool things we could do together, all the things we had in common, all the stuff she knows how to do that I want to learn to do, she made me excited to have friends again and that hadn't happened for me for a long time. (with the exception of my newest friend, Giggly) I've been pretty solitary these last couple of years.

On Sunday we met at her house and went sale shopping for the day- let me clarify- DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN SALE SHOPPING!!!!(okay, clearly I've got a problem with too many !!!'s, sorry, I'll calm myself now...) That's the best kind of shopping, well, next to the sales that happen right after Christmas. The part that makes it so radicool is that I love Halloween decorations and the costume shops always put all of their shoes on sale and this year I splurged and got two pair. I got a pair of knee high lace up platform black boots and a pair of black platform mary jane shoes. Whoo hooo! I also found some fantastic faux vintage Halloween stuff which I'll have to take some pics of and post.

Oh, and I haven't given up with the idea of doing some sort of a blog make-over I just haven't done enough research to figure it out...I don't want to ask anyone I know personally to help me because no one knows about this blog and I'd like to keep it that way (how else can I bitch, I mean vent, about my life without drama?)