Legalize it!

marijuana is money

I can't believe that weed is still illegal.  I know all the different sides of the debate and all I have to say is that I've been smokin' tha shit for a long time now and I am a productive member of society who has managed to stay off of anxiety medication by occasionally puffing on tha herb.  Now am being forced to quit in order to submit to a mandatory physical & drug screening at my job.  It's crap!!! I don't mind quiting now and again, I do it for a few months out of every year but I hate being forced to quit to prove that I should be allowed to keep my job.  It's bullshit! I guess the best part about it is that they are telling us ahead of time instead of doing a pop whiz quiz.


Don't we have better things to focus on as a society than punishing pot smokers? Alcohol is 100% more dangerous than the most chronic bubonic out there.  Word.


I'm disappointed that weed hasn't been legalized yet, it's not a great commentary on the intelligence of the government.  Look at how much $$$$ people spend on alcohol and cigarettes and how much tax revenue that creates.  It's so simple it's stupid. 


Over and out. 
Transmission ended.

a little bitter. okay, a lot.

Miniature rant:


I'm getting really annoyed that everyone I know is getting pregnant but us.


Most all of them are people that aren't even trying.  Accidental pregnancies.  Fuckers. 

I am the kind of good that is always on the verge of giving into temptation, You are the good that relentlessly resists giving in.

After a long, rambling 14 years I finally saw your face again.  Our previous meeting was for less than 20 minutes.  The bulk and depth of our friendship took place during elementary school, we've held on all these years, only speaking once a year or less.  For 27 years we were always far away close beside like no other ever was or will be.


Then your mother died. 


All of the spaces between us ceased to push us apart and instead pulled us close together.  It was more than empathy that wrenched at my heart, more than tears that fell from the clouds in my head, I more than felt you in that moment, I was one with you.


And then, out of the blue you came. 


You asked me if I didn't believe it until I laid eyes on you, I felt bad for doubting you and said no, but I lied.  I didn't believe you would come.  I wished for you. 
I wanted so badly to tell you how you have marked me, but I always stumble.
I thought of how I used to love waking up next to you, we always slept in the same bed during sleepovers. 
I wanted to crawl in next to you, instead I went to my own bed and reminisced to myself.
You were so cool, you were bright where I was sort of slow to connect, how ironic. 
Time has indeed turned the wheel, I am more you and you are more me.  Inadvertently we've met in the middle. 


My memory fails me in so many ways, so much of it is blurred and dreamy. 
I was touched by how you remember me, memories as far back as kindergarten. 
You shocked me with some of your stories, I kept quiet, afraid I'd scare you with most of mine. 
I was proud of your accomplishments, your insights and your adventurousness. 
I feel like there may be a day when I can be completely open with you and that's big. 
Your heart is so immense in spite of a life that has been at times tragic. 
And you, you never became bitter or closed off. 


Instead you armored your heart and loved fiercely.
You fought for the love you deserve and demanded the world show you what had been hidden by an extremely sheltered childhood.   


It strikes me as I re-read "Something Wicked This Way Comes" right now, the weather and your appearance are both fitting.  Of course I am Jim Nightshade and you are William Halloway.  Of course when we ran our hardest and spoke a secret language we too were 13 years old.  Of course I remember feeling we were two sides of the same coin.  Of course we were exactly the same and completely different never competing- neither one of us wanted to win at the expense of the other losing. 


You admitted it scared you how quickly I grew up, as if overnight you said.  My developing body set me apart from everyone, I didn't just imagine it.  Now, none of that matters.  Death, divorce, adventures, miscarriage, insecurities, dreams, life, marriage, spirituality, family.  20 years of history to pick up where we left off. With roughly 24 hours to do it. 


We ate desert first, when you are under the gun like that you have to prioritize.  It was delicious of course. 


I love you.
Thank you for not abandoning me even though I am the most eccentric person you know.  Some day I may tell you exactly what that means.

poor me.

i want someone to write me a love letter.


the kind that gives me insight into who i really am.  the me that i can't see because i'm always too focused on my faults.  the kind that surprises me, makes me want to smile, cry and make love all at the same time.
i want to be dazzled. i want to be awed.


give me more.
i'll give you some more too, you know i'm awesome like that.












damn you black hockey jesus and your brilliant gloomy wordsmiting, bringing forth so many conflicting emotions and dangerous memories. i am addicted to pouring thru your past posts, the way you write about your family, your angst, your love of language, life & death. i bet you write amazing love letters.

adventure seeking

Today I want something.


I don't know what it is, yet.


I'm not sure if I will figure out exactly what it is, I think it might be more of an experience than a thing.


I feel like being adventurous, outwardly adventurous. 


Not like dreaming up a salty erotic fantasy that denies decency or eating salad without dressing, I want to go out into the world and have an adventure.  The way I see it there are only two things stopping me, one is that I don't have the car today.  Homeboy took it to work (poor bastard) and my feet, while I am finally able to walk again, are not fit for any kind of a long walk.  So, it appears I'll have to stay indoors and have an internal adventure.  I'm not quite sure where this will take me today, I bet it's going to be somewhere awesome. I can tell by the fact that I have thus far resisted eating breakfast because it seems too normal, too obvious.  Instead of my usual green drink smoothie I just might eat frozen Indian food. Now that's living on the edge.  I remember the first time I made a ham, cheese, mayo, chocolate sauce and ranch dressing sandwich.  That was living.  Am I merely a shell of my former self?  Or was I tripping on mushrooms when I made that....can't remember...too many brain cells burned in the interim.  (Honestly I think it was just plain ol' maryjane)


I wish I knew if I was pregnant or not...it's days like this I might just throw caution to the wind and have a drink or two, smoke a joint and paint till my fingers bleed.  Alright, I'm just saying that... only like, twice ever have I started drinking this early in the day and neither time did it turn out well.  It's always when I know I'm not actually going to have an alcoholic beverage that I like to pretend I would if it weren't for such & such.  I really am not a drinker.  Now, I just might actually smoke that joint I was mentioning....worst thing that could happen as a result is I take a nap.  I suppose I've taken naps that felt like adventures.... 


I wish I had a friend here.  I would have them over and we would bust out the henna kit I got last year for my birthday and we'd paint each other up like gypsy sideshow circus performers or play doctor or........ oh, I suppose I haven't had any of those friends for a loooong time.  Alas, all the ones I have now are far away raising families with chickens in the yard and fresh bread in the oven.  Except for the ones who are still drug addicts.  I don't know what their lives look like today because they can't get their shit together to call me. 


In my youthful days it was occasions such as this that brought on the idea to pierce myself (and I'm not talking about my ears ;).  I was daring and bold and completely unfazed by pain driven by the mad desire to act out and surprise myself.  I didn't do it to rebel, my parents were so cool I didn't have anything to rebel against.  Other nights I'd experiment with wacky over-the-counter drug combinations to see what would happen.  Makes my stomach queasy thinking about it now.


What does the 30-ish me do on days when I need an adventure?  I guess we'll just have to see.  Maybe I was too hasty in dismissing breakfast....

Just for once

Y'know, just for once I'd like to watch a show on exotic animals without being reminded that us crappy humans have put them in immanent danger.  I know that we have done terrible things to the animals and to the environment.  I think about it all the time.  I was born guilty, guilty for the racism & slavery, guilty for the environmental disasters that are largely perpetrated by rampant consumerism, guilty for the extermination of exotic animals the world over.  There have been many times throughout my life that I have been so paralyzed by guilt and sadness over the state of the world that I wondered if there was any point to live. 


And then sometimes I just want to tune it all out.  I know everything is fucked up.  Who doesn't know this?  A night like tonight I just wanted to watch a show about snow tigers.  That's all.  Yet instead of being a show about snow tigers it is a show about the efforts being made to study and save the snow tigers from extinction.  It's depressing and they won't stop berating the world for allowing this to happen, shaking their fingers at all the greedy assholes who have killed them for trophy.  Do you think those bastards give a crap that they are wiping out the tigers? No, of course not.  Duh.


Now, I'm not a simpleton, I know the reason these stances are taken and what good they can do but could we at least have some documentaries that don't make me want to slit my wrists?  Maybe put a warning on the box or something?  Damn.

Hypnotists and Bags of Tricks!

Firstly I want to wish you all a Blessed Samhain!!

It's the Witches' New Year!!!

I've made a few resolutions, same ones I've made for the last few years...I'm a work in progress, what can I say?

Moving on, I've got to give you the scoop (as promised) about the hypnotist.  It's an experience I am glad I had I guess though with a bit of research beforehand I could have made the decision to wait and saved myself some $$$.  Here's the deal, the guy came over to my house since I was still not able to walk at that point, the guys left for work at the same time he showed up, I figured it would be better this way for the least amount of distraction.  What it ended up doing was making me very uncomfortable to lay down and try to become (what I thought was) hypnotized by some stranger alone in my house.  I am a paranoid woman, there is no doubt about it.  I should have known that I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation.  It did occur to me but I talked myself around it.  Plus the damn cats were being so obnoxious, it's as though they knew we wanted them to be silent and decided to wreak havoc for cat-ly reasons.  Something about not giving a fuck about anyone but themselves.  It's their curse and their charm.  So be it.  Moving on, in closing it was a bust.  I wasn't able to fully relax and go thru the layers of meditation as needed to have a past life experience. 


Later that night I did some reading about past life regression/ hypnotism and found that it is an entirely different experience than I thought.  For one thing you are 100% aware and fully present throughout the entire process.  It is basically guided meditation.  The person wishing to have the past life experience does nearly all of the work to arrive at the said experience, it isn't something that someone else 'does to you' you do it for yourself and it's best to practice often as it is not an experience one is likely to have on the first go.  All things that would have been useful to know before I scheduled the hypnotist. 


I practiced that night with a guided mediation video and while I didn't have a past life experience I did feel the sensations that I read I 'should' experience to let me know I have reached the level of relaxation and detachment that is necessary to facilitate the full experience. This gives me hope and also spurs me on to endeavor to instill a meditation practice in my daily routine.  Wait, did I say routine?  Ha! Who am I kidding? I don't have a routine...though I've dreamt of them over the years and all the things I could get done if I had one.  One day...I haven't given up on myself just yet. 

A trip to the other side of this life

It's been so long since I posted about my spiritual journey it's difficult to catch up all at once.  Instead I'll write about what excites me most right now.  I have been reading a series of books by Dr. Michael Newton.  The first book is 'Journey of Souls', the second is 'Destiny of Souls' and the third I'm nearly finished with is titled 'Memories of the Afterlife'.  It's funny, these books have been sitting on my shelf for YEARS.  My mom read them long ago and was amazed by what she read, she ranted and raved about them and insisted that I read them, so she bought them for me and though I was interested I just never did end up picking them up.  Fast forward a few years and one day out of the blue I picked up Journey of Souls and started reading it.  I read for hours, I couldn't put it down, I was fascinated!!! I finished that one in short order and quickly flew thru the next and luckily my library had the third of which I only have about 10 pages left. 


These books have transformed me. 
Amazingly they line up with a majority of my core beliefs and nicely fill in the gaps where I had remaining questions, one big one being how karma works.  Instead of me reciting in detail what these books are about I would encourage you to go to the link above (highlighted text on Dr. Michael Newton) and browse around the site.  He's much better at explaining it than I am. 


The short & sweet of it is that Dr. Newton is a Master Hypnotherapist.  Dr. Newton discovered a way to regress his clients back even further than their past life recall state into the 'life between lives' level.  This is a much deeper level of hypnosis and one in which the client & therapist were able to recall with vivid detail what process souls go through after they have died and before they reincarnate.  This work describes in great detail how we process the lessons & information from our life just lived and how we choose our next life.  This is a tiny part of what is described by the books, there isn't a question that I could think of that wasn't answered at some point between the three books (mainly the first two- the third follows a different format.) 


Astonishingly I have found a therapist where I live who has trained directly with Dr. Newton and is offering the past life regression & life between lives sessions!  I have my first appointment for the past life regression this week!! And since I cannot walk he has offered to see me in my home!  Hot damn!  


For me, the most amazing thing of all is that when one is able to access the higher planes directly you are able to ask the questions that, if answered, could mean all the difference in the world as to why we-personally- are here.  What is my life's purpose in this incarnation?  How can I better overcome the hurdles that are present so that I may continue my souls evolution?  Everyone has their own questions, most are in concern over present day blocks be they creative, spiritual, physical, mental, etc. I cannot wait to compile my list of questions and take this journey to my higher self!  What a beautiful thing to experience with our human mind the timeless presence of our soul, our guides, and be able to ask the questions that keep us up at night.  The doubts, the fears, the wondering, the dreaming, to have that truth blaze thru the insecurity to facilitate greater knowing!


I want to evolve in this life. 
I don't want to muck thru, to merely exist.  I know there is more, I know the other side exists, I want to know how to integrate higher learning into my life, to find my life's purpose.  I have to find a way to make sense of this mortal life and reconcile that with my spiritual aspirations and beliefs.  I must find the harmony between the two.  I don't want to continue to feel such bitterness towards humanity, I'm practically a hermit at 32.  These books have helped immensely already in enlightening me about the true nature of humanity and the journey of the soul.  With each chapter the light bulbs just kept turning on, this work registers on a level that goes deeper to a place where I recognize truths that I have barely had a chance to make sense of with my puny human brain.

I'll let you know how it turns out.  I hope in my excitement that I didn't just splash out a bunch of jumblefucked up words that don't really mean anything...I've got wicked cramps and might have gotten a little carried away with my self medication this morning....hooo ha.

I see a red door and I want to paint it black.

Well, after a very long hiatus I have returned.  Better than ever.  Well, more surly for certain. 
I've thought long and hard about where I want to go/ what I want to do with this blog. 


I had decided at the onset that this blog would be a place where I could speak openly about my Dedication process & Witchcraft practice since exactly 3 people in my life know I practice (and only one of which knows about this blog.)  I felt I needed an outlet for my Witchy blisses & burgeoning experiences while simultaneously seeking some sense of community and comradeship.  I figured if fellow Witches were the only ones reading this I should make it about that and that only.  I can be so rigid sometimes, it's really annoying. 


Additionally, I've always been extremely secretive so that keeps a lot of topics pretty limited.  I've been afraid to be real on here, to -as they say- let it all hang out.  I'm always afraid of being discovered.  I'm anonymous here.  I have far too many secrets that will never see the light of day, few that have which I will always regret. 
"Why start now?" the invisible reader might ask themselves (if there were indeed anyone reading with an asking sort of nature or inclination.)


I've been inspired. 


This post is a love letter of sorts.


I stumbled upon a blog called BHJ.


This guy is one hell of a writer.  He's a salty sea dog and a poet all at once and above all what grabbed me is his blatant honesty.  I thought, "I must cease at once to be such an insufferable pussy and just fucking go for it."  Besides, I've got loads of time on my hands.  I'm chilling at home on disability without the use of my feet.  Both of them in case you were wondering. 


And so, in honor of Mr. BHJ I am outing myself. 


10 Fun & Freaky Facts about Esmeralda Bohemian


1. Esmeralda is not my real name. duh.


2. Love smoking pot.  Don't drink and have given up all other illicit substances.


3. I hate to disappoint people or otherwise hurt their feelings, I am a people pleaser of ridiculous degrees.  Even complete asshole dirtbag shitstains I have a hard time hurting.  I'm appalled at myself sometimes.  I'm working on this.

4. Lesbian porn is my favorite.  This is the best way to completely avoid the possibility of insufferably long, drawn out blow jobs which are, well, insufferable.  Plus women are beautiful.  Men are mainly utilitarian.  In straight male porn anyway :)


5. I cannot drive by a canyon or through a mountain pass without thinking about driving the car over the edge just to feel myself fall and know that I was going to die in an immediate and fiery manner.  I imagine the release from this life to be so very sweet in a achy fluttery stomach sort of way.  Alas, I love being alive just a bit more so the car stays on the road. Plus everyone would be so disappointed in me.


6.  I have been married to a man for a year though we have been together for 15 in total. Love is a battlefield my friends.  It aint' no lie. I've got the scars to prove it. 


7. In service of secrecy I am often an elaborate liar to all but a very very select few.  If you are reading this and you know me than you are one of the few.   Small crowd. 


8.  I knew this surgery would cripple me for months and be horrifically painful but elected to do it all in service of getting away from my job and getting to be at home doing dreamy creative non-at-my-job-things.  Pain isn't usually a deterrent for me when I really want something. 


9. No one person knows all the 'me's' that exist.  Not yet at least.


10.  Weed has done more for me than any therapist I've ever seen. Plus it's cheaper and I don't have to make appointments. 


I'm contemplating erasing the whole of this blog and starting fresh.  Hmmmmm.......


Thank you BHJ, you shook me up and chased me out of my cluttered head with a red hot poker and tremendous words.

a step back

Hello


It's me, the one who hasn't written on here in what seems like forever!


I've not given up on well, anything that I've been writing about it's just that life has gotten so hectic lately that I've decided I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my stress. I've vowed to do more fun stuff and relax more often. I push myself waaay too hard and it shows. I have never thought of myself as an over achiever since it seems like I rarely achieve much but I have realized that most of my achievements happen on the inside and within my private life/relationships and that's just as valid and every bit as stressful. Especially when it seems like everything is constantly falling apart around me.


So, I'm taking a break. Not for long likely but a break nonetheless.


And so, to leave on a upbeat note, HAPPY SPRING EVERYONE!!


~Blessings~

Imbolc ritual and the big talk

Last time Swan and I met we had a big talk. The talk was about whether or not I wanted to continue my training. I absolutely do and I sincerely hope that as we go forward the other things in my life that have kept me from dedicating the required amount of time & attention to my year & a day training will have subsided or at least mellowed considerably.


I am hopeful yet realistic.


This will be the year we are planning on getting pregnant so who knows what kind of a monkey wrench that will throw everything into. I am glad that I soldiered on thru this year & a day but was a little sad to think that while I should be preparing for initiation instead we are doing another round of dedicant training. I know I'm not ready. I know I haven't done the work that is required for that kind of leap but I can't help but be a bit bummed. Oh well, I have to keep telling myself that I fought for every single meeting we were able to have this last year and while there were numerous cancellations on both of our parts and many many personal hurdles (for both of us) we still continued. That has to be enough.


On a more positive note, this Sunday Swan and I celebrated Imbolc. A little late, I know, but it was so great to finally have a ritual. It's been a very long time since we had ritual together, I can't actually remember the last time... What I am grateful for tho is that every single time we do I come out of the experience feeling uplifted, happy, excited, calm, a million things all at once, every single one of them is positive. This time we didn't do a formal circle we just collected a few things and sat at the kitchen table. While I love the experience of casting a circle I have found that whenever I am with Swan I get just as much out of the experience without the circle. I've come to understand that the circle is more of a Wiccan construct than a Witchcraft tenet and if push comes to shove I consider myself more of a Witch than a Wiccan.


I digress, back to the ritual at hand ;) After speaking on the significance of Imbolc and taking a moment to soak that experience in we commenced to write down some things we would like to see planted and grow in the year to come. After we were done writing we put our slips into bowls, meditated over them and then I asked the Goddess to show me the way. Show me what was important and what needs the most attention.


The first slip I drew said on it: Have a baby! I grinned from ear to ear. I've been needing all the universal confirmation I can get on this.
The second slip I drew said: Find my joy! To which grinned even wider. Lately as my husband struggles thru his anxiety/panic attack issues I've tried to become even more aware of my stress level and have noticed that I too am very stressed out a lot of the time. I know that most everyone is stressed but I also know that this is not our normal state, it's not right. The Universe wants us to be happy. We aren't meant to suffer endlessly. And now, with that additional confirmation from the universe I'm going to do it. I've got to get myself mellowed out, for myself, my marriage, my impending pregnancy.


It's the right thing to do!


So if you are looking for some sort of universal message to claim your happiness and to find your joy, THIS IS IT!! THE TIME IS NOW!! FIND YOUR BLISS!!!!!!

Hurry up and wait.

I've been thinking about stress a lot lately.

Trying to figure out what my stresses are, how they manifest and how to rid myself of their influence.

One of the things I've pinpointed is that I feel like I'm always in a hurry. And, when I'm not hurrying I feel pressured to get my ass in gear and hurry up. I have to make myself relax and usually end up feeling guilty the whole time. Historically this wasn't an issue for me but these last few of years I've been feeling the pressure. The clock is ticking. I realized one day, I'm not getting any younger. Okay, go ahead and laugh, I am after all only in my thirties but still, it's just now that I've finally figured out who I am, what I want to do with my life and what needs to happen to make it so. While I don't necessarily feel like I wasted my 20's I do feel that all of my aimless wanderings have made it all that much tougher to get my life in order now. I've got a lot of work to do and I feel like I need to make up for lost time.  I had something of an extended adolescence ;)

One of the toughest parts of this new found motivation is that I really really need my partner to be on step with me and help me pull this cart & plow this field. Problem is he is dealing with his GAD (general anxiety disorder) and panic attacks so he's not been able to be of much real assistance to me. He cannot handle even the smallest of stresses most days. For years now I've been attempting to juggle all of the responsibilities with more resistance than assistance. I am thankful though that he is finally seeking counseling to help get over this, I just don't know that I could take much more of it.

I see that horizon, I know that it's the direction I want to head in....I just can't seem to get there fast enough. You know those dreams where someone is chasing you but you seem to be running through peanut butter? That's what I feel like every day.

 This is the part where I get snappy and resentful towards my husband. I seem to be constantly swimming against the current, getting nowhere fast and he's no help. While I do my best to understand what he is going through I have to work double (okay, quadruple) time to not be outwardly angry towards him. Lately his panic attacks have reached epic proportions and it's been more difficult than usual. I decided to take a different tack with him though. In order to heal my resentful/angry heart I've decided that when I feel like slapping him instead I will channel that into being twice as nice to him. Instead of saying something snappy or seething I'll offer to do something nice for him or say something nice about him. Most times it feels like it helps, other times....not so much.


I have been noticing a shift in him though which is surprising. It seems that he is finally able to see how hard a lot of this has been on me. He's offering to help out a bit here & there too. It's baby steps but I have to believe that it's going to continue to get better, it just has to.


I never used to consider myself a patient person, perhaps this is the Universes' way of teaching me patience...right?

Home again, home again

I had the most lovely time visiting my grandmother.


It was also the most relaxing vacation I've ever had. Thank the Goddess!!!


The key to having a relaxing vacation for me is that I have to go by myself . Constantly worrying about someone else- are they having a good time? are they feeling left out? I guess I better do this/that or they'll be mad. Admittedly my inability to curb my people pleasing problem is in actuality my problem and something that needs to be remedied, for my sanity, but- this was not the time or the place for that. I needed to go and be by myself for a bit.


Being by myself with my grandmother & her broken wing was also very conducive to non-stop relaxation since she was more than content to sit in her chair and read/snooze/chat/snack. And that is exactly what we did. Typical me, I had a whole list of things I had hoped to do while I was there, I wanted her to teach me how to do this & that, do a stitching project or two, work out a little every day, in essence a plan to get the most out of my time off before I had to leave and in the end we didn't really end up doing any of them. Thankfully I'm okay with that. I'm driven but also able to accept when things aren't fitting together the way I micromanaged it. I just chilled out and let it be and rode the wave- or more appropriately the couch.


I read Amy Lowell's poetry by the fire as all the women (two of my aunts live with her) of the house snoozed, I wrote in my journal (for the first time in a VERY long time), I read two whole fiction books back to back!! Both books were beautiful, haunting, imaginative and had very unique perspectives/stories. The first book is titled 'The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters' by Gordon Dahlquist and the other was titled 'The Lace Reader' by Brunonia Barry. I practiced my mindlight meditation a bit, I drew some cards from my tarot deck & documented them in my tarot journal, I napped, I ate food that was very bad for me, I watched my grandmother nap- studying the lines on her face, I got the stories behind various pieces of memorabilia. I barely got on the computer at all (so slow it was not worth it) and basically just dropped out of the world for 9 glorious days. It was so very nice.


I was so secluded that on the last day when I began to pack my bag back up everything that I had run away from flooded back to me and I instantly got a headache. How's that for a mind/body connection? Blech. I am hopeful however. Hopeful instead of completely overwhelmed like I was when I left.


I know we will get through this just as we have everything else that has come our way. I haven't talked much about what's been going on with my husband lately because I've never quite figured out how to talk about other people in my life without 'outing' them on the internet- especially when it's something that is not altogether positive. I would prefer for the time that all the characters in this play remain as anonymous as can be.  We are up to our noses with a chronic anxiety condition with major panic attacks and instead of it getting better when I left as I had hoped he has gotten worse. He will finally be going into psychiatric treatment starting this wednesday and I hope and pray continually for his healing and for my sanity. If any of you suffer from this horrible issue I feel for you from the bottom, top & middle of my heart, same for any of you who have someone in your life who is afflicted with this- it's hard on us too, the supporters, the anchors. For 10 years now we have been dealing with this and I've done all I can do. Thankfully we have insurance that includes counseling so we're finally going for it. He's ready to accept that this isn't going away on it's own and though there are times that are more mellow than others overall it's creeped into his daily life with an alarming consistency for the last year and it's time to get over it.


One day at a time.

~Count Your Blessings~

Today I am very grateful.

I'm grateful that I am able to go and spend some quality time with my grandmother. One might notice a theme to the last handful of posts, family family family. We've had some hard losses this year and while I'm sad that it had to be under these circumstances I would have to say that we've been putting some extra special effort into being close to our loved ones.

My grandmother took a nasty spill yesterday and I am blessed to have a job where I am given paid vacation days and am able to afford a ticket so I am going to take a handful of days off and go and be with her while she is on the mend. When I called to tell her I was coming I could hear pure joy in her voice, she perked up big time, it was adorable. I intend on having her help me learn how to make bread, make a pie crust, be a better embroiderer (she's the one who taught me in the first place!) and hopefully how to operate a sewing machine. We'll see though, she's not known for her patience but it might be that she's mellowed out a bit more these days...I'm not getting my hopes up...we'll just see what happens. Another thing I have to make sure we work on is a memory box that I bought her a little over a year ago. Hallmark put out these sets called Memory Boxes, I believe they were designed by Marcia Cross (of Desperate Housewives) and they were pretty cool. They are hard to find now, Hallmark quit carrying them for some reason but now and again you can find them on Ebay. They have a book with questions and a mini tape recorder, a little album and so forth. I really want her to give me as much memories of her & my late grandfather as she can.

It is unfortunate that it takes getting older sometimes to appreciate our elders and the lives they have lived. I wish I had asked more questions as a child, been able to learn more things from her. I wish I knew something of my parent's grandparents but they were gone long before I was a glimmer in the gloaming. I want my baby to know their great grandparents but it does not seem that we will be granted that opportunity. I'll collect as much info as I can before we bid them farewell.

Back at it!

Wow.

So, it's practically been forever since I last posted. What can I say? The holidays are brutally busy. Especially this year as I had my family coming to town to stay and wasn't able to get prepared as soon as I would have liked due to another death in the family and a cold. It's been quite a one-two punch for my husband this year having just lost his mother in Sept. and now losing his first grandparent on Dec. 23rd. And of course we all know that when something like that happens to your spouse it happens to you too. We must always support our other half, bolster them and shoulder the weight of daily life until they are able to rejoin the activities. All in all he & his family are doing okay, Christmas was hard but we knew it would be.

Christmas nearly didn't happen for me as my parents were driving and would have to go thru what was predicted to be one of the most brutal storms in many many years. They called to say they had heard the highways were going to be closed and they weren't going to make it. I poured myself a cocktail, settled into a movie and pouted.
That night when I went to sleep I expected to awaken to a winter wonderland, instead the sky was clear and the sun was shinning. My phone was also ringing....they were on the road!! Turns out the storm dissipated and they were able to get going anyway! They made it in good time and were all safe & sound on Christmas day. We celebrated the next day so everyone would be able to relax and be ready for it instead of just rushing thru to be able to celebrate it on Christmas day exact.

This wasn't the relaxing vacation I had been looking forward to ( I ended up having to work a few extra days) but it was nice and it's always great to see family even when that includes a surly brother who doesn't seem to enjoy my company. Oh well.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday and were surrounded by love and comfort~

I'm getting some plans together to start some intensive work surrounding meditation and manifestation so there will be details soon!