photo source unknown

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hello Witches!

Hey there!

I'm amazed that this blog still gets any traffic since I've been such a horrible blogger for so very long now.  I will be getting back to this space in due time and for a little eye candy I'd like to offer up my new photo tumblr of sorts, it's actually through a site called 'posterous' and so, without further ado here is the link to my new eye candy site~


Collected Magick
(for some reason I can't make this a link show up...not sure what the issue is but let your mouse scroll over the area above this line and the link will appear)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Blah blah blah

Hello all~

I've been avoiding this blog because I've been dealing with piles of health issues and haven't had the energy to come up with something else to bring to the table. Well, I'm going to make more of an effort, I've recently got some things cleared up and with some positive MRI test results I'm feeling more like poking my head out of my shell.  But tonight, tonight you get poetry.  You love the poetry, right?  It's like sex for your eyes & brains!  Word sex! 

lie still, tiny mouth.
lie still, mouth from which eternity will speak. tiny tongue
that will soon summon the dead,
that will define grace, that
will silence our foolishness.
Rosebud lips- upon which ride
a starborn kiss of forgiveness
to those who believe you, and of
death to those who deny you-
                               lie still.
excerpt of piece by Max Lucado

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I'm trying. I really am.

photo source unknown.
This has been such a trying week.  Another surgery to correct a problem that sprang up from the last one and on the exact same day of my surgery our truck died.  Then my lovin' man went out of town the next day.  So here I sit, all alone with another fucking catheter for a week (two days to go till I get checked out to see if it can come out) and no vehicle.  Damn.  I just don't even know what to say about all of this except DAMN.  I know it will all work out and that everything will be fine in the end but it really was starting to look like we were pulling it together and making some progress with our health & our money saving.  Now they have both taken a big dive and again I'm sitting here dazed in the wake of destruction.  There's so much research and such that I could be doing while I'm stuck at home sitting on my ass but to tell you the truth I've been so dazed and so blue all I seem to be able to do is watch Bollywood movies and read books with swarthy pirates.  I've really got to pull myself together. 

Friday, March 25, 2011

I have been her kind.

Her Kind

I have gone out, a possessed witch,

haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind.

I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.

I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.

                                                           -Anne Sexton

Painting by Lauren K. Cannon

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

There is a season

Today a simple meditation on some song lyrics helps to remind me of the truth. Give it a read and think on it a sec. Maybe it will pack the punch you need as well to accept where you are today, who you are today.

Turn! Turn! Turn!
Words-adapted from The Bible, book of Ecclesiastes

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late
                                                             Music-Pete Seeger

Slowly I’ve been arriving at a number of insights recently. Chiefly I am stunned to realize just how often I have to learn and relearn things over and over and over. At times I’ll think to myself, “I’ve got this. It’s understood, I know it.” In no time I’m back to crying, wondering what went wrong, what happened and the worst- why is this happening?

Let me illustrate; everything I know about witchcraft teaches me that the universe moves in cycles, hence the inclusion of the Byrds lyrics. And yet this last winter I found myself struggling immensely with some very dark thoughts, lingering depression, and seriously lacking motivation. I half-heartedly tried to fight it but mostly I was just feeling sorry for myself and waiting for it to lift. I suppose it's worth mentioning as well that I have been having a cold spell (ha ha Witchy double entendre) in regards to my spiritual practice these last handful of months.

I'd been so consumed with having family in town, recovering from my double foot surgery, the second surgery (of which I'm still having complications)  that I had put everything else aside. Looking to inspire myself to delve back in I uploaded some new podcasts to my iPod and I'm starting to get the feel of it again. Oddly enough as soon as I had the realization that Winter is the season for turning inward, for looking into the darkness within I felt the veil lifting. I sat with it, I no longer rebelled against it and so it goes that the claws & teeth have been retracted.  Spring is here and I'm ready for renewal.

I'm taking stock of what is going on internally (which of course always ends up being manifested externally) and making plans. Typical me, I've got a list a mile long of things I hope to learn, try out, change and accomplish for the next year- I'm nothing if not ambitious. Which brings me to my next bit of inspiration- a quote by Henri-Frederic Amiel

"Learn to limit yourself; to content yourself with some definite work; dare to be what you are and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not; and to believe in your individuality."

Finding this was a complete revelation. The light bulb went off and I think I heard an audible 'ding!' at the same time! I am always so hard on myself, internally berating myself for everything that I don't get to, all of the goals I don't meet. One of my resolutions is to strike a balance between nourishing & realistic goals and things that are more 'shoulds' will fall away. I need to put my limited amount of energy where it counts. Right now that seems to be on continuing to move my health in a healing direction.  
I've been getting good at allowing myself to heal.  I am allowed to sit and read for hours at a time.  I'm allowed to leave the dishes in the sink and take a nap.  I'm allowed to watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon.  I'm allowed to spend all day painting.  I am allowed to lay in bed daydreaming.  I am allowed to let others take care of themselves. 
What will you allow yourself to do now that you have my permission to heal?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

stitched up and sprouting

source unknown
 Surgery number 2 is behind me and today, 10 days later I finally feel better.  The best part is that I got to have the catheter removed.  Yeah, I had a catheter in for the last 10 days.  Horrible.  Turns out the issues they were dealing with were more complicated than anticipated and I ended up having emergency surgery on my urethra.  Bleck.  The whole thing made me grouchy, now I'm much better!!

The good news:  all issues were addressed and there was no evidence of any other issues so my lady parts get the thumbs up!!  The remaining pain is nothing now that the damn catheter is gone, funny how at some point pain becomes relative. 

I've done my best to pay close attention and remain introspective during this journey, it's been an emotional roller coaster for a variety of reasons I was surprised to discover.  When we lost our baby a few years back I was far enough along that I had to be induced and my feeling at the time was that I wanted every drug possible to make me as numb as possible.  I wanted to be unconscious, I didn't want to participate in one second of that labor.  That feeling continued after I had the baby, I took quite a bit of Valium & painkillers in the following days.  I floated through it in a fog and told myself I was alright. 

I finally sobered up and got angry about the whole thing, I started asking the Goddess some intense questions, I got some real answers and it changed my life.  Ever since then I've been careful to be as present as I can, to listen to the lessons that are revealed.  I know now that many of my life lessons will come through my struggle for total health.  I've got a long list of things to work on though I've crossed off a fair amount of them in the last two years.

The pieces are sliding together, 
I'm becoming me.  

Friday, February 4, 2011

Darkness before Dawn

I've been very hesitant to make this blog all about my health issues.  My quest for better health has been a huge struggle in my life most notably for the last couple of years and so it's inevitable that it would leak into this space but I know how tedious it can be to read about someone elses' health problems so I've tried to be selective about what I share.  One thing I've been pretty open about is our quest to get pregnant.  I know there are quite a few couples out there that have issues in this arena as well and I've appreciated having other bloggers input about their journey so this is one topic I've addressed and now I know there are at least two bloggers who come here just for this reason so I want to give the update on my testing. 

I can't express how glad I am that I listened to the little voice in my head that kept telling me to go in and get the thorough once over to see if everything with my lady parts was oky-doky.  My little voice (who grows louder every day thankfully) kept telling me that everything wasn't okay and she was right.  My new ob-gyn specializes in infertility, she was the first one who ever really listened to my list of complaints and took me seriously, she too felt that the list of issues warranted testing.  The first thing we did was a vaginal ultrasound which immediately revealed that I have a septate uterus, a very large cyst and a uterine fibroid.  She was concerned about the cyst and wanted a better look at the uterus so she ordered an MRI.  The results were concurrent with her findings during the ultrasound plus the test provided a diagnoses of adenomyosis. 

I've been on such a roller coaster since all of these tests started coming in.  A big part of me is relieved to know what is really going on and know that I have the insurance to have it taken care of.  A very big part of me is seething with rage that I can barely contain at times over all of the doctors who I tried to get to listen to me when I told them that something was wrong.  When we lost our baby a few years ago they told us they did every test they could on both of us to figure out what went wrong and both my ob & my ob surgeon are AMAZED they didn't see the problem with the uterus during any of the ultrasounds we had done during pregnancy or that they didn't look at the uterus at all for a miscarriage cause.  I believe it is clearly a case of us not being insured at the time and them not wanting to delve into it for a state aid charity case.  But besides the inept doctors (which isn't new to me in my previous experiences) I'm also pissed at all of the other non-traditional healers (medical intuitive specifically) I have been working with these last couple of years.  That one is tough because I went out on a limb to trust them and to have faith in their spiritual process to guide us to a healthy pregnancy and baby.  EVERYONE kept telling us that we were over our hurdles and it was time to go for it and start really trying to get pregnant.  It devastates me to think what could have/would have happened if I had somehow managed to get pregnant again (which even both docs I have now acknowledge was a miracle the first time around due to all of my issues lining up the way they do to hinder fertility.)  My uterus is too small due to the wall up the middle to carry a baby.  We would have either lost it again around the 5mo mark...again...or would have had to deliver prematurely and risk all that comes with that.  I just keep thinking to myself, WHAT THE FUCK????  I had an entire fucking team on this ONE health issue and not one single damn person could figure it out.  I've been trying to see what the lesson is in this....maybe I'm still too close to it to see it clearly but so far I'm not getting it. 

So now the next step is surgery.  I met with my surgeon yesterday and while I believe him to be knowledgeable I'm concerned with his approach.  For one he doesn't think it's important to remove the fibroid.  His logic for this was pretty fuzzy, he seemed to be telling me that it was a much more involved surgery and he didn't want to 'put me through that' without any consideration for the significant amount of people in my family who have died from cancers or the fact that I made mention that in a year from now I won't have insurance any longer so I may not be able to do anything about it if I don't get insurance after my job is transferred.  

I'm so frustrated, it feels like I don't have anywhere to go for real solid answers.  This is all so confusing and it enrages me to think that I have to hold these doctors hands through all of this to ensure that they don't screw me over again.  And my medical intuitive?  She dropped the ball big time.  After all of this came out I emailed her and told her of the results and point blank asked her how it was that she with all of her spirit helpers and all of her years of doing this work wasn't able to clearly see what the issues were- at least with the uterus- and instead was compelling me to go ahead with trying to get pregnant.  Her response was so amazingly idiotic that in spite of my anger I had to laugh.  I'm still amazed.  Not once did she bother to explain in any manner how she missed this, neither did she apologize or offer any suggestions about my exposed conditions.  She did say that if I needed any further assistance after meeting with the surgeon that I could call her for a free session and she would help out.  Well, after the adenomyosis diagnosis came in following the reading of the MRI results I emailed her again and asked her if she knew anything about adenomyosis, that was two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from her since.  So FUCK YOU LADY!!  How could you sleep at night or live with yourself if you were taking someones money and advising them in matters of health only to find out that you were horribly wrong- without apologizing or bothering to right the situation you just go on with your life and your business? 

And to make matters worse I've got next to no support group as I go through this.  My mom of course is my rock, she's always there for me and I felt so much better when I thought she was going to be able to come here and be with me for this operation & recovery but last night I found out that isn't going to happen.  She's in the middle of closing on a house so she can't leave in the middle of all of the financial stuff.  I'd been keeping a pretty stiff upper lip until she told me that.  When we got off of the phone I was devastated. 

My husband is not known for his nurturing or supportive abilities.  He means well in his own way but he's never had to or been bothered to figure out how to be helpful in the ways that I need him to be.  This was never more apparent to me than when I had my feet operated on, thank the Lord & Lady that my parents were here for that or who knows how it would have gone.  I keep reading all of these blogs where these women have these amazing circles of friends and family that are there for them through their struggles and crises, last night at work I was reading a new blog and the woman was talking about how a friend of hers had some severe complications during childbirth and there were dozens of women who organized to breast feed her baby while she recovers in the hospital.  It was so touching and so beautiful I started crying at my desk.  I feel a massive void in my life where a nurturing community should be.  Aside from my mom there isn't really anyone.  I talked to my best girlfriend about the test results when they first came in and she was concerned but was going to be leaving for vacation in a couple of days and I haven't heard from her since.  I don't want to call people and whine, I loathe talking about it honestly but it would be great to just have someone who would call/email from time to time to check in and just say they were here.  My mentor, Swan, has totally ditched me.  She finally answered my question about whether or not we were still training and or hanging out together and said yes to both counts but hasn't answered an email since.  I just stopped, clearly she is too busy for me. 

I hate that this is starting to sound like a pity party, though I am indeed feeling a little Eyore-ish about the whole thing.  I know everyone has their own problems, such is life I guess.  In the meantime I'll journey into this darkness to find out what she is trying to teach me, this- like so many of the journeys in my life will be a solitary one it seems and there must be a reason for that too. 

Into the deep................

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Lucifer for Agent Provocateur

 Take me back rocket through
the miles missing you
is delicious the taste
of anticipation smooth
the ripple release the soul
bound by the ecstasy moan

murdering words whispered
diving headlong towards inception
raised by ritual
driven by salacious hunger
hunting, the sharp teeth
slick tongue disguises
opulent ancestral lust
going deep

dreams of saturnalia
chasm abandon the ashes
in your wake sharpened to
fine point desire
arching estrus you see
every pulse invading
your consciousness, nearly wise
intended saiety
I can see you will
not be denied

lull, lull, lull the lust
swallow the release
bury it deep
gloss the surface
quiet the drums

unfastened contortion
prison the severed
wings unbalance
and knot my cruelest curse my
beast heart (tear
empty wake) it's getting
harder and harder
to separate
these days.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Legalize it!

marijuana is money
I can't believe that weed is still illegal.  I know all the different sides of the debate and all I have to say is that I've been smokin' tha shit for a long time now and I am a productive member of society who has managed to stay off of anxiety medication by occasionally puffing on tha herb.  Now am being forced to quit in order to submit to a mandatory physical & drug screening at my job.  It's crap!!! I don't mind quiting now and again, I do it for a few months out of every year but I hate being forced to quit to prove that I should be allowed to keep my job.  It's bullshit! I guess the best part about it is that they are telling us ahead of time instead of doing a pop whiz quiz.

Don't we have better things to focus on as a society than punishing pot smokers? Alcohol is 100% more dangerous than the most chronic bubonic out there.  Word.

I'm disappointed that weed hasn't been legalized yet, it's not a great commentary on the intelligence of the government.  Look at how much $$$$ people spend on alcohol and cigarettes and how much tax revenue that creates.  It's so simple it's stupid. 

Over and out. 
Transmission ended.

Monday, November 29, 2010

a little bitter. okay, a lot.

Miniature rant:

I'm getting really annoyed that everyone I know is getting pregnant but us.

Most all of them are people that aren't even trying.  Accidental pregnancies.  Fuckers. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

I am the kind of good that is always on the verge of giving into temptation, You are the good that relentlessly resists giving in.

After a long, rambling 14 years I finally saw your face again.  Our previous meeting was for less than 20 minutes.  The bulk and depth of our friendship took place during elementary school, we've held on all these years, only speaking once a year or less.  For 27 years we were always far away close beside like no other ever was or will be.

Then your mother died. 

All of the spaces between us ceased to push us apart and instead pulled us close together.  It was more than empathy that wrenched at my heart, more than tears that fell from the clouds in my head, I more than felt you in that moment, I was one with you.

And then, out of the blue you came. 

You asked me if I didn't believe it until I laid eyes on you, I felt bad for doubting you and said no, but I lied.  I didn't believe you would come.  I wished for you. 
I wanted so badly to tell you how you have marked me, but I always stumble.
I thought of how I used to love waking up next to you, we always slept in the same bed during sleepovers. 
I wanted to crawl in next to you, instead I went to my own bed and reminisced to myself.
You were so cool, you were bright where I was sort of slow to connect, how ironic. 
Time has indeed turned the wheel, I am more you and you are more me.  Inadvertently we've met in the middle. 

My memory fails me in so many ways, so much of it is blurred and dreamy. 
I was touched by how you remember me, memories as far back as kindergarten. 
You shocked me with some of your stories, I kept quiet, afraid I'd scare you with most of mine. 
I was proud of your accomplishments, your insights and your adventurousness. 
I feel like there may be a day when I can be completely open with you and that's big. 
Your heart is so immense in spite of a life that has been at times tragic. 
And you, you never became bitter or closed off. 

Instead you armored your heart and loved fiercely.
You fought for the love you deserve and demanded the world show you what had been hidden by an extremely sheltered childhood.   

It strikes me as I re-read "Something Wicked This Way Comes" right now, the weather and your appearance are both fitting.  Of course I am Jim Nightshade and you are William Halloway.  Of course when we ran our hardest and spoke a secret language we too were 13 years old.  Of course I remember feeling we were two sides of the same coin.  Of course we were exactly the same and completely different never competing- neither one of us wanted to win at the expense of the other losing. 

You admitted it scared you how quickly I grew up, as if overnight you said.  My developing body set me apart from everyone, I didn't just imagine it.  Now, none of that matters.  Death, divorce, adventures, miscarriage, insecurities, dreams, life, marriage, spirituality, family.  20 years of history to pick up where we left off. With roughly 24 hours to do it. 

We ate desert first, when you are under the gun like that you have to prioritize.  It was delicious of course. 

I love you.
Thank you for not abandoning me even though I am the most eccentric person you know.  Some day I may tell you exactly what that means.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

poor me.

i want someone to write me a love letter.

the kind that gives me insight into who i really am.  the me that i can't see because i'm always too focused on my faults.  the kind that surprises me, makes me want to smile, cry and make love all at the same time.
i want to be dazzled. i want to be awed.

give me more.
i'll give you some more too, you know i'm awesome like that.

damn you black hockey jesus and your brilliant gloomy wordsmiting, bringing forth so many conflicting emotions and dangerous memories. i am addicted to pouring thru your past posts, the way you write about your family, your angst, your love of language, life & death. i bet you write amazing love letters.

Friday, November 5, 2010

adventure seeking

Today I want something.

I don't know what it is, yet.

I'm not sure if I will figure out exactly what it is, I think it might be more of an experience than a thing.

I feel like being adventurous, outwardly adventurous. 

Not like dreaming up a salty erotic fantasy that denies decency or eating salad without dressing, I want to go out into the world and have an adventure.  The way I see it there are only two things stopping me, one is that I don't have the car today.  Homeboy took it to work (poor bastard) and my feet, while I am finally able to walk again, are not fit for any kind of a long walk.  So, it appears I'll have to stay indoors and have an internal adventure.  I'm not quite sure where this will take me today, I bet it's going to be somewhere awesome. I can tell by the fact that I have thus far resisted eating breakfast because it seems too normal, too obvious.  Instead of my usual green drink smoothie I just might eat frozen Indian food. Now that's living on the edge.  I remember the first time I made a ham, cheese, mayo, chocolate sauce and ranch dressing sandwich.  That was living.  Am I merely a shell of my former self?  Or was I tripping on mushrooms when I made that....can't remember...too many brain cells burned in the interim.  (Honestly I think it was just plain ol' maryjane)

I wish I knew if I was pregnant or's days like this I might just throw caution to the wind and have a drink or two, smoke a joint and paint till my fingers bleed.  Alright, I'm just saying that... only like, twice ever have I started drinking this early in the day and neither time did it turn out well.  It's always when I know I'm not actually going to have an alcoholic beverage that I like to pretend I would if it weren't for such & such.  I really am not a drinker.  Now, I just might actually smoke that joint I was mentioning....worst thing that could happen as a result is I take a nap.  I suppose I've taken naps that felt like adventures.... 

I wish I had a friend here.  I would have them over and we would bust out the henna kit I got last year for my birthday and we'd paint each other up like gypsy sideshow circus performers or play doctor or........ oh, I suppose I haven't had any of those friends for a loooong time.  Alas, all the ones I have now are far away raising families with chickens in the yard and fresh bread in the oven.  Except for the ones who are still drug addicts.  I don't know what their lives look like today because they can't get their shit together to call me. 

In my youthful days it was occasions such as this that brought on the idea to pierce myself (and I'm not talking about my ears ;).  I was daring and bold and completely unfazed by pain driven by the mad desire to act out and surprise myself.  I didn't do it to rebel, my parents were so cool I didn't have anything to rebel against.  Other nights I'd experiment with wacky over-the-counter drug combinations to see what would happen.  Makes my stomach queasy thinking about it now.

What does the 30-ish me do on days when I need an adventure?  I guess we'll just have to see.  Maybe I was too hasty in dismissing breakfast....

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Just for once

Y'know, just for once I'd like to watch a show on exotic animals without being reminded that us crappy humans have put them in immanent danger.  I know that we have done terrible things to the animals and to the environment.  I think about it all the time.  I was born guilty, guilty for the racism & slavery, guilty for the environmental disasters that are largely perpetrated by rampant consumerism, guilty for the extermination of exotic animals the world over.  There have been many times throughout my life that I have been so paralyzed by guilt and sadness over the state of the world that I wondered if there was any point to live. 

And then sometimes I just want to tune it all out.  I know everything is fucked up.  Who doesn't know this?  A night like tonight I just wanted to watch a show about snow tigers.  That's all.  Yet instead of being a show about snow tigers it is a show about the efforts being made to study and save the snow tigers from extinction.  It's depressing and they won't stop berating the world for allowing this to happen, shaking their fingers at all the greedy assholes who have killed them for trophy.  Do you think those bastards give a crap that they are wiping out the tigers? No, of course not.  Duh.

Now, I'm not a simpleton, I know the reason these stances are taken and what good they can do but could we at least have some documentaries that don't make me want to slit my wrists?  Maybe put a warning on the box or something?  Damn.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Hypnotists and Bags of Tricks!

Firstly I want to wish you all a Blessed Samhain!!

It's the Witches' New Year!!!

I've made a few resolutions, same ones I've made for the last few years...I'm a work in progress, what can I say?

Moving on, I've got to give you the scoop (as promised) about the hypnotist.  It's an experience I am glad I had I guess though with a bit of research beforehand I could have made the decision to wait and saved myself some $$$.  Here's the deal, the guy came over to my house since I was still not able to walk at that point, the guys left for work at the same time he showed up, I figured it would be better this way for the least amount of distraction.  What it ended up doing was making me very uncomfortable to lay down and try to become (what I thought was) hypnotized by some stranger alone in my house.  I am a paranoid woman, there is no doubt about it.  I should have known that I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation.  It did occur to me but I talked myself around it.  Plus the damn cats were being so obnoxious, it's as though they knew we wanted them to be silent and decided to wreak havoc for cat-ly reasons.  Something about not giving a fuck about anyone but themselves.  It's their curse and their charm.  So be it.  Moving on, in closing it was a bust.  I wasn't able to fully relax and go thru the layers of meditation as needed to have a past life experience. 

Later that night I did some reading about past life regression/ hypnotism and found that it is an entirely different experience than I thought.  For one thing you are 100% aware and fully present throughout the entire process.  It is basically guided meditation.  The person wishing to have the past life experience does nearly all of the work to arrive at the said experience, it isn't something that someone else 'does to you' you do it for yourself and it's best to practice often as it is not an experience one is likely to have on the first go.  All things that would have been useful to know before I scheduled the hypnotist. 

I practiced that night with a guided mediation video and while I didn't have a past life experience I did feel the sensations that I read I 'should' experience to let me know I have reached the level of relaxation and detachment that is necessary to facilitate the full experience. This gives me hope and also spurs me on to endeavor to instill a meditation practice in my daily routine.  Wait, did I say routine?  Ha! Who am I kidding? I don't have a routine...though I've dreamt of them over the years and all the things I could get done if I had one.  One day...I haven't given up on myself just yet. 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A trip to the other side of this life

It's been so long since I posted about my spiritual journey it's difficult to catch up all at once.  Instead I'll write about what excites me most right now.  I have been reading a series of books by Dr. Michael Newton.  The first book is 'Journey of Souls', the second is 'Destiny of Souls' and the third I'm nearly finished with is titled 'Memories of the Afterlife'.  It's funny, these books have been sitting on my shelf for YEARS.  My mom read them long ago and was amazed by what she read, she ranted and raved about them and insisted that I read them, so she bought them for me and though I was interested I just never did end up picking them up.  Fast forward a few years and one day out of the blue I picked up Journey of Souls and started reading it.  I read for hours, I couldn't put it down, I was fascinated!!! I finished that one in short order and quickly flew thru the next and luckily my library had the third of which I only have about 10 pages left. 

These books have transformed me. 
Amazingly they line up with a majority of my core beliefs and nicely fill in the gaps where I had remaining questions, one big one being how karma works.  Instead of me reciting in detail what these books are about I would encourage you to go to the link above (highlighted text on Dr. Michael Newton) and browse around the site.  He's much better at explaining it than I am. 

The short & sweet of it is that Dr. Newton is a Master Hypnotherapist.  Dr. Newton discovered a way to regress his clients back even further than their past life recall state into the 'life between lives' level.  This is a much deeper level of hypnosis and one in which the client & therapist were able to recall with vivid detail what process souls go through after they have died and before they reincarnate.  This work describes in great detail how we process the lessons & information from our life just lived and how we choose our next life.  This is a tiny part of what is described by the books, there isn't a question that I could think of that wasn't answered at some point between the three books (mainly the first two- the third follows a different format.) 

Astonishingly I have found a therapist where I live who has trained directly with Dr. Newton and is offering the past life regression & life between lives sessions!  I have my first appointment for the past life regression this week!! And since I cannot walk he has offered to see me in my home!  Hot damn!  

For me, the most amazing thing of all is that when one is able to access the higher planes directly you are able to ask the questions that, if answered, could mean all the difference in the world as to why we-personally- are here.  What is my life's purpose in this incarnation?  How can I better overcome the hurdles that are present so that I may continue my souls evolution?  Everyone has their own questions, most are in concern over present day blocks be they creative, spiritual, physical, mental, etc. I cannot wait to compile my list of questions and take this journey to my higher self!  What a beautiful thing to experience with our human mind the timeless presence of our soul, our guides, and be able to ask the questions that keep us up at night.  The doubts, the fears, the wondering, the dreaming, to have that truth blaze thru the insecurity to facilitate greater knowing!

I want to evolve in this life. 
I don't want to muck thru, to merely exist.  I know there is more, I know the other side exists, I want to know how to integrate higher learning into my life, to find my life's purpose.  I have to find a way to make sense of this mortal life and reconcile that with my spiritual aspirations and beliefs.  I must find the harmony between the two.  I don't want to continue to feel such bitterness towards humanity, I'm practically a hermit at 32.  These books have helped immensely already in enlightening me about the true nature of humanity and the journey of the soul.  With each chapter the light bulbs just kept turning on, this work registers on a level that goes deeper to a place where I recognize truths that I have barely had a chance to make sense of with my puny human brain.

I'll let you know how it turns out.  I hope in my excitement that I didn't just splash out a bunch of jumblefucked up words that don't really mean anything...I've got wicked cramps and might have gotten a little carried away with my self medication this morning....hooo ha.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I see a red door and I want to paint it black.

Well, after a very long hiatus I have returned.  Better than ever.  Well, more surly for certain. 
I've thought long and hard about where I want to go/ what I want to do with this blog. 

I had decided at the onset that this blog would be a place where I could speak openly about my Dedication process & Witchcraft practice since exactly 3 people in my life know I practice (and only one of which knows about this blog.)  I felt I needed an outlet for my Witchy blisses & burgeoning experiences while simultaneously seeking some sense of community and comradeship.  I figured if fellow Witches were the only ones reading this I should make it about that and that only.  I can be so rigid sometimes, it's really annoying. 

Additionally, I've always been extremely secretive so that keeps a lot of topics pretty limited.  I've been afraid to be real on here, to -as they say- let it all hang out.  I'm always afraid of being discovered.  I'm anonymous here.  I have far too many secrets that will never see the light of day, few that have which I will always regret. 
"Why start now?" the invisible reader might ask themselves (if there were indeed anyone reading with an asking sort of nature or inclination.)

I've been inspired. 

This post is a love letter of sorts.

I stumbled upon a blog called BHJ.

This guy is one hell of a writer.  He's a salty sea dog and a poet all at once and above all what grabbed me is his blatant honesty.  I thought, "I must cease at once to be such an insufferable pussy and just fucking go for it."  Besides, I've got loads of time on my hands.  I'm chilling at home on disability without the use of my feet.  Both of them in case you were wondering. 

And so, in honor of Mr. BHJ I am outing myself. 

10 Fun & Freaky Facts about Esmeralda Bohemian

1. Esmeralda is not my real name. duh.

2. Love smoking pot.  Don't drink and have given up all other illicit substances.

3. I hate to disappoint people or otherwise hurt their feelings, I am a people pleaser of ridiculous degrees.  Even complete asshole dirtbag shitstains I have a hard time hurting.  I'm appalled at myself sometimes.  I'm working on this.

4. Lesbian porn is my favorite.  This is the best way to completely avoid the possibility of insufferably long, drawn out blow jobs which are, well, insufferable.  Plus women are beautiful.  Men are mainly utilitarian.  In straight male porn anyway :)

5. I cannot drive by a canyon or through a mountain pass without thinking about driving the car over the edge just to feel myself fall and know that I was going to die in an immediate and fiery manner.  I imagine the release from this life to be so very sweet in a achy fluttery stomach sort of way.  Alas, I love being alive just a bit more so the car stays on the road. Plus everyone would be so disappointed in me.

6.  I have been married to a man for a year though we have been together for 15 in total. Love is a battlefield my friends.  It aint' no lie. I've got the scars to prove it. 

7. In service of secrecy I am often an elaborate liar to all but a very very select few.  If you are reading this and you know me than you are one of the few.   Small crowd. 

8.  I knew this surgery would cripple me for months and be horrifically painful but elected to do it all in service of getting away from my job and getting to be at home doing dreamy creative non-at-my-job-things.  Pain isn't usually a deterrent for me when I really want something. 

9. No one person knows all the 'me's' that exist.  Not yet at least.

10.  Weed has done more for me than any therapist I've ever seen. Plus it's cheaper and I don't have to make appointments. 

I'm contemplating erasing the whole of this blog and starting fresh.  Hmmmmm.......

Thank you BHJ, you shook me up and chased me out of my cluttered head with a red hot poker and tremendous words.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

a step back


It's me, the one who hasn't written on here in what seems like forever!

I've not given up on well, anything that I've been writing about it's just that life has gotten so hectic lately that I've decided I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my stress. I've vowed to do more fun stuff and relax more often. I push myself waaay too hard and it shows. I have never thought of myself as an over achiever since it seems like I rarely achieve much but I have realized that most of my achievements happen on the inside and within my private life/relationships and that's just as valid and every bit as stressful. Especially when it seems like everything is constantly falling apart around me.

So, I'm taking a break. Not for long likely but a break nonetheless.

And so, to leave on a upbeat note, HAPPY SPRING EVERYONE!!


Monday, February 8, 2010

Imbolc ritual and the big talk

Last time Swan and I met we had a big talk. The talk was about whether or not I wanted to continue my training. I absolutely do and I sincerely hope that as we go forward the other things in my life that have kept me from dedicating the required amount of time & attention to my year & a day training will have subsided or at least mellowed considerably.

I am hopeful yet realistic.

This will be the year we are planning on getting pregnant so who knows what kind of a monkey wrench that will throw everything into. I am glad that I soldiered on thru this year & a day but was a little sad to think that while I should be preparing for initiation instead we are doing another round of dedicant training. I know I'm not ready. I know I haven't done the work that is required for that kind of leap but I can't help but be a bit bummed. Oh well, I have to keep telling myself that I fought for every single meeting we were able to have this last year and while there were numerous cancellations on both of our parts and many many personal hurdles (for both of us) we still continued. That has to be enough.

On a more positive note, this Sunday Swan and I celebrated Imbolc. A little late, I know, but it was so great to finally have a ritual. It's been a very long time since we had ritual together, I can't actually remember the last time... What I am grateful for tho is that every single time we do I come out of the experience feeling uplifted, happy, excited, calm, a million things all at once, every single one of them is positive. This time we didn't do a formal circle we just collected a few things and sat at the kitchen table. While I love the experience of casting a circle I have found that whenever I am with Swan I get just as much out of the experience without the circle. I've come to understand that the circle is more of a Wiccan construct than a Witchcraft tenet and if push comes to shove I consider myself more of a Witch than a Wiccan.

I digress, back to the ritual at hand ;) After speaking on the significance of Imbolc and taking a moment to soak that experience in we commenced to write down some things we would like to see planted and grow in the year to come. After we were done writing we put our slips into bowls, meditated over them and then I asked the Goddess to show me the way. Show me what was important and what needs the most attention.

The first slip I drew said on it: Have a baby! I grinned from ear to ear. I've been needing all the universal confirmation I can get on this.
The second slip I drew said: Find my joy! To which grinned even wider. Lately as my husband struggles thru his anxiety/panic attack issues I've tried to become even more aware of my stress level and have noticed that I too am very stressed out a lot of the time. I know that most everyone is stressed but I also know that this is not our normal state, it's not right. The Universe wants us to be happy. We aren't meant to suffer endlessly. And now, with that additional confirmation from the universe I'm going to do it. I've got to get myself mellowed out, for myself, my marriage, my impending pregnancy.

It's the right thing to do!

So if you are looking for some sort of universal message to claim your happiness and to find your joy, THIS IS IT!! THE TIME IS NOW!! FIND YOUR BLISS!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Hurry up and wait.

I've been thinking about stress a lot lately.

Trying to figure out what my stresses are, how they manifest and how to rid myself of their influence.

One of the things I've pinpointed is that I feel like I'm always in a hurry. And, when I'm not hurrying I feel pressured to get my ass in gear and hurry up. I have to make myself relax and usually end up feeling guilty the whole time. Historically this wasn't an issue for me but these last few of years I've been feeling the pressure. The clock is ticking. I realized one day, I'm not getting any younger. Okay, go ahead and laugh, I am after all only in my thirties but still, it's just now that I've finally figured out who I am, what I want to do with my life and what needs to happen to make it so. While I don't necessarily feel like I wasted my 20's I do feel that all of my aimless wanderings have made it all that much tougher to get my life in order now. I've got a lot of work to do and I feel like I need to make up for lost time.  I had something of an extended adolescence ;)

One of the toughest parts of this new found motivation is that I really really need my partner to be on step with me and help me pull this cart & plow this field. Problem is he is dealing with his GAD (general anxiety disorder) and panic attacks so he's not been able to be of much real assistance to me. He cannot handle even the smallest of stresses most days. For years now I've been attempting to juggle all of the responsibilities with more resistance than assistance. I am thankful though that he is finally seeking counseling to help get over this, I just don't know that I could take much more of it.

I see that horizon, I know that it's the direction I want to head in....I just can't seem to get there fast enough. You know those dreams where someone is chasing you but you seem to be running through peanut butter? That's what I feel like every day.

This is the part where I get snappy and resentful towards my husband. I seem to be constantly swimming against the current, getting nowhere fast and he's no help. While I do my best to understand what he is going through I have to work double (okay, quadruple) time to not be outwardly angry towards him. Lately his panic attacks have reached epic proportions and it's been more difficult than usual. I decided to take a different tack with him though. In order to heal my resentful/angry heart I've decided that when I feel like slapping him instead I will channel that into being twice as nice to him. Instead of saying something snappy or seething I'll offer to do something nice for him or say something nice about him. Most times it feels like it helps, other times....not so much.

I have been noticing a shift in him though which is surprising. It seems that he is finally able to see how hard a lot of this has been on me. He's offering to help out a bit here & there too. It's baby steps but I have to believe that it's going to continue to get better, it just has to.

I never used to consider myself a patient person, perhaps this is the Universes' way of teaching me patience...right?