Long Night Moon

Happy Holidays!

Looks like I've got some catching up to do!

I got thrown out of orbit this last couple of weeks and am just now getting back to...well, everything.

This has been the strangest month and I suspect the Moon is the culprit. On December 12 we experienced the closest full moon since 1993. If one were to doubt the influence of the full moon (as well as new moon) they might do well to take note of the extra high spring tides along the ocean shoreline. The effects of the full moon were exaggerated this month due to the proximity of the Moon to Earth and I was feeling it for sure.

In short, I was a wreck. My emotions were ping-ponging around inside of me creating a nervous energy that was tiring and stressful. I was a little shocked at some of the things that came out of my mouth. I cried. And I cried. A lot. My body ached, I've had a neck & back ache accompanied by a headache for the bulk of the month so far.

Coming to the understanding that it was the lunar energy that was spinning me out I wonder if I knew more about attuning my energy if I couldn't have processed all of that differently and seen more positive effects. I suppose in 8 years I'll be far enough along in my Witchy ways that I'll be ready.

Oh, and did I mention- my birthday was on the 13th?

Not a good day. I'll spare you the details but every intention to make it a joyous occasion fell through. Even when I resigned myself to the idea that it would just be a day for catching up on errands and getting things & stuff accomplished....no go. In the end I just ended up going home, crawling back into bed and crying for the next few hours.

Alas, do not fret-
The light at the end of the tunnel for that day was weed & booze. I decided the best course of action was to smoke as much as I needed to elevate my mood. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work. Sounds of water bubbling and coughing filled the night. Ultimately, success. A nice long conversation with my mom helped as well.

My man friend had to work that day and was intent on taking me out to dinner afterward to which I had protested, crying in the restaurant on my birthday just seemed too pathetic. Now that Mary Jane would be joining me I was bolstered and thought I just might be able to go and possibly enjoy myself. It pretty much mostly worked. I wasn't joyous but I managed not to cry and take down two stiff drinks (top shelf mojito & long island ice tea) as well as a piece of spectacular cheesecake. I do love cheesecake.

I missed three days of work when my 'monthly visitor' arrived. I was in so much pain and so emotional I could hardly stand myself. I had to cancel a full week of appointments. Hmmmm, happy holidays indeed. I am looking forward to my vacation that will be starting in two days. Once I'm on that jet plane I'll really be flying high.

On another note, I am going to be having my Dedication ritual with my mentor on Jan. 9th. Yikes. I've got so much work to do for that I'll be working hard during vacation but at least that's all I'll be focusing on. Besides fun, I'll be focused on that too. Oh, and I've got to pick my witch name as well. I've got a couple of ideas I'm tossing around....that's a toughie.

Any pointers on how to choose? Any resources anyone would like to name? I'm all ears. (I love that saying ;)



A very sincere wish for bountiful blessings for all the world over, may each and every person on this earth know love and banish fear~

~Happy Holidays~

The Shape of the Day

I know that if we were to harness the power of our minds we could do anything.

I know lots of stuff.

But do I really believe it? Enough to live it?

I had a talk with myself yesterday about the power of intention. I told myself that we DO believe we can change anything we want to. That we DO have the power to make our life whatever it is we aspire to. It IS possible. And we're doing it.

Slowly but surely.

I am truly making an effort to become the person I know I can be.

It's a slow and often painful process but as we've all heard before, each day is an opportunity to make a different choice. I am practicing being compassionate towards myself for my slip ups while at the same time still pushing to make progress.

I'm attempting to turn over my life, shake out all the bugs and grow higher and stronger than ever before.

In taking control of my health I am seeking to create unity between myself and Divinity. To create balance. I'm working at taking all of the loose strings, my poor health, my shriveled ambition, my hunger for spiritual fulfillment, my displeasure with my habit of 'wasting' time, multitudes of unfinished projects, my poor nutritional habits, my inability to budget money, my lack of self discipline, and I am attempting to pull them all together and turn them from ragged strings into a dazzling weave of dreams realized and potential fulfilled.

I'm going to the gym 5-6 times a week now, I'm doing better about my diet though I'm not obsessing over it, I've practiced centering a few times (still need much more practice!), working on the wedding planning some more, and cleaned my house finally!!!!

I'm getting there. I'm trying and I know that is all I can do.

One year ago today we lost our baby in a miscarriage. When I look at where I was a year ago I feel a sense of accomplishment and can see the ample blessings that have been showered upon me. I feel I have made major strides, realized a lot of the goals I set for myself. Looking back helps me to see more clearly where I am now. One year ago today.


Sigh.

Day by day.

Centering 101

My first practical assignment is to practice centering.



Any recommendations?



This is tough.



I don't really know if I'm doing it 'right'....



(Since I do not have my mentor's permission to use her name I will give her a name so I can quit referring to her as 'mentor'. Her name is now Swan.)



Swan and I had a great conversation about being present in your body, being aware of your body and some suggestions for centering. We tried it for a minute and I did feel a slight change, a mellowness and a.....stability (seems like a weird word to use..) that wasn't there before.



Interestingly this whole practice sheds light on something I have been actively working through for the last 6 mo or so. The dreaded 'Body Issues'. Yeah. Icky stuff.



One thing I have realized recently is that I have a resentment towards my body. I feel like it has betrayed me by hurting so much and being so out of whack. So, on a conscious level I know that the only reason it's behaving this way is a direct result of the way that I treat it but childishly I feel like it should supersede my tomfoolery. I could understand it if I were like....60 or something but the fact that I am only 30 and have so many health problems seems wimpy.



The resentment extends past my physical illness' to my sexuality. I was one of those girls that developed early and with that development came a whole lot of lessons, trials and tribulations that I had to deal with at a very early age. Too early I think. In many many ways my developing body took away the last few good years of what should have been my childhood and made me painfully aware of my approaching womanhood.



So, over the years I've learned to take myself out of my body. Now, trying to 'come back' has been difficult. I have only been taking notice of my body when it is in pain, otherwise I don't pay it much attention, I live mainly in my mind.



Plus, how do I know when I'm doing it? What does centering feel like?



Questions, questions, questions.......

The wheel of the year goes round and round

I have no idea where or why the song 'wheels on the bus' is stuck in my head but it is.

I am happy to report many wonderful things happening in my world.

Firstly:

Barack Obama.
I feel like our country passed an IQ test when they elected him. I don't think he is the answer to all of our problems, after all he is just another figurehead but what I do respond to is that he is DIFFERENT. He has a fresh optimism, a true spirit of teamwork, he believes that we can change for the better and he has inspired people in our country to hope for better days as well. That's good enough for me. I'm so sick of seeing what is essentially the same guy up there saying the same things, spewing messages of fear, issuing threats. The acceptance speech Obama made was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

Second:

I had no idea when my contemporary offered to mentor me that she was offering to be my full blown teacher for my year and a day training. I thought perhaps she was offering to answer emails if I had a question now and again. Nope. She's in it for the long haul!! We are even talking about doing a dedication ceremony come Yule time.

We've met a couple of times so far and it's been truly wonderful. She did our natal charts both as separate people and then for how we work as a pair and it's very encouraging! I love that we began our work together after having gone over our charts together and really opened up to each other about who we really are. Very refreshing.

The last time we met we began working on centering. This is brand new territory for me, it's a difficult thing for me to grasp for some reason. I don't have very acute awareness of my body, we've sort of been in a show-down for a long time now. It gives me lots of grief and I've not been very kind to it either. Quite the project.

And there's writing. Lots of writing. She likes to give essay topics which is great, writing is a fabulous way for me to communicate and I don't do nearly enough writing these days. My poor journal has dust on it!

How is it I feel I never have the time to really accomplish all the things I want to do? I've really been putting the pressure on myself to manage my time more effectively these days.

Thirdly:

I've begun going to the gym with regularity. Just when I thought I couldn't afford a personal trainer my gym ran a half off special on Halloween day and viola! I have a pile of sessions for three months. I also seceded to have the sessions be my birthday present from my man & my parents as well so that will help me 'explain' the cost. Plus I've been telling myself it is a wedding expense.

All last week I was so sore I could barely walk so I only made it to the gym for my training sessions, this week I'm going to try to make it in there on my off days for my cardio workout. One day at a time right? And of course I continue to work on my diet, I've been trying to steer clear of the frozen 'Lean Cuisine' type foods and eat 'real' food but make it calorically correct...I feel a little shaky about this but I refuse to go back to the strictly frozen food diet. It's just not natural.

And fourthly:

(Is fourthly a word? I suppose it is now!)
It snowed here! Just a little bit, enough to blanket the trees and cover the ground though it was gone in a couple of hours, it was astounding. I got up early after not being able to sleep and came out to the living room to say good morning to my kitty and there it was! I felt that squeeze in my heart I that I get when the first snow falls, I can feel it still. The change of the seasons is so truly miraculous, it touches my soul each and every time.

To anyone, everyone who might read this, I hope these words find you in a state of grace today.

Blessed be~

Hear me roar!

Alright, things are looking up today, just as I suspected they might.

A girl I work with has said that she could use a work out partner and now that I opened my mind to shifting my schedule around and rethinking some things I've realized it can work. I'll have to work out after work which is difficult as I'm sure everyone can sympathize, after a long day it's nice to just go home and chill but I can't seem to get my ass out of bed to get to the gym anywho so I'll give it a try with her after work.

And I got a very very cool email back from my favorite witch to work with her concerning my year & a day training. She has offered to construct a coven with just the two of us! I couldn't be happier! It means that I will have to stay up late and work out then rush home, get to bed right away and get up early to go meet with her to do our studies then rush home to get to work on time. Sounds hectic and I'm sure it will be but I guess that's life!

Whew! I'm going to have to get soooo organized with my time.....

I've got to give up thanks though, I asked and the Universe responded. Two very cool people have stepped in to help me realize my goals.

Kind of a warm & fuzzy feeling huh?

Yeah, it's warm & fuzzy alright.

Thank you.

Give me back my lion's heart

I feel like I should write myself out of this funk I'm in.

Problem is, there are so many things going on I don't really know where to begin, how best to articulate and if it is the proper forum to air this laundry on the web and of course, does anyone (besides me obviously) give a damn?

Well, at any rate, I'm going to give it a go and see if it does indeed make me feel better or bring me some clarity.

At the very least I know my girl Giggly reads this and that's good enough for me.

Ok, it all began first thing this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm going to (finally) begin getting up early and meditating & working out. I even went to bed extra early last night to facilitate this.

Alarm goes off.

Snooze.

For an hour.

I finally get up and lump about until my meeting for my 'free personal assessment' with a trainer at the new gym I joined.

I don't know what I was expecting but essentially what I got is:

You are out of shape.

You are over weight.

You can meet these goals but you're going to have to work your ass off.

You are going to have to pay a ton of money for a personal trainer, more than is reasonable and/or affordable so forget it.

The 'fitness group' that you wanted to join is less expensive than the personal trainer you wanted but is still outrageous and even though you decided to pony up for it, it isn't available outside of your work schedule so forget it.

Oh, and in order to get a workout plan put together for you we're going to need you to cough up $350.00 for a heart rate monitor, a cardio endurance test that will tell us what your target heart rate is and then we'll come up with a plan for your workouts.

Bullshit.

I can't believe the cost after cost after cost.

So I left feeling very dejected and discouraged.

Then at work, I start thinking about how the Wiccan group I was hoping to dedicate with told me to hit the bricks.

It still stings. Again, dejected and rejected.

It breaks my heart that I finally for the firstest time ever find a group of people who are on the same path, that feel like a real community of like minds and BAM! the door is shut.

"No, you walk this path alone." (that's what I hear)

Yet, I do feel like it is good to be humbled and so I emailed the one person I felt I connected to the most and asked her for some help putting my own year & a day training course together. I also asked if I could still come to esbats from time to time. I told her that I was hurt and confused by the way in which the door was closed not only to study but seemingly to the community as well (mainly due to the fact that I haven't heard from anyone at all once since it was known that I wasn't dedicating with either group)

It's my truth and I had to say it, it made me feel silly and small and weak but I said it. At the time when confronted with the decision not to dedicate me I played it cool and made my best effort not to show I had been affected. This is what I do, I play it cool and brush off the most insane shit people throw at me. This in particular wasn't an 'insane shit' instance but the others make me cringe to think about.

What next you ask?

Someone who was previously a good friend just had a baby today.

Why is that a total bummer?

Well, she basically stopped talking to me for a (then) mysterious reason nearly 10 months ago.

I talked to her, likely, a total of maybe 8 times during those months. During one of those calls she decides to tell me she's 6 months pregnant. Drama, drama, drama, I won't go into how fucked up that all ended up being but after she told me that she stopped talking to me again totally. I'd call all the time and she wouldn't answer my calls, email, myspace, nothing. Nada. Zip.

So today she calls and tells me she's had the baby and then just goes on talking like nothing weird ever happened. Like I'd just talked to her yesterday.

Oh, and turns out she wasn't 6 months pregnant, she was 8.

Her new friends threw her a baby shower a week ago. It was fabulous, they gave her a ton of gifts.

Neat.

No idea why she decided to keep all of her friends & family in the dark about this baby but her new work friends have known all along.

She didn't even tell her mom, a friend of ours told her about a month ago. A month before the baby was born. I have been struggling with the rejection she doled out, hoped I'd get to talk to her at least once more about the baby and some of the potentially dangerous mistakes she was making (she didn't go to the doctor ONE time before going in to have him) before the baby came but no luck. So, I had to play it cool and pretend I wasn't upset, just chat as if everything was cool. What, I'm going to pick a fight with a BRAND new mom? Right. Plus, I was blindsided. Shocked. Just like when she first told me about the baby.


Today, my heart was made out of glass.

I'll have my lion heart back tomorrow though.

I just know it.

I feel like there is a sticky, goopy tornado whirling around inside of my chest & stomach.

What a day.

As the wheel turns

Ok, admittedly it didn't take me long to get over it all.

About 3 hours.

I can see the wisdom in this turn of events.

I'm back on my feet and planning a dedicancy ritual of my very own for Samhain.

My year and a day training starts Nov. 1st.

I can see that the Lord & the Lady have seen fit to show me, again, in another way that anything worth having in this life is worth working for. There are no easy answers. It's easy enough to lurch along with classes while under pressure to perform. I squeeked by exceedingly well my whole life. I did during my Seeker classes too. Sometimes I wouldn't do any of the homework until the day/night before.

Depth of understanding & enlightenment won't come that way. I'm going to have to conquer my greatest foe in order to become a real Witch.

My lack of discipline.

There is a reason for everything. A lesson.

To use a phrase the youngsters are all wild about, I got served today.

Even more, my year and a day training will correspond with my impending weight loss/ work out training.

There is a voice speaking to me in the back of my mind, my own little Jiminy Cricket. It says in a tone of voice that I don't much care for "you can run but you can't hide." I've got to get motivated and save myself.

Mission Statement:

To actively work to save myself from a life of boredom, complacency, bad health and over all lack of spiritual fulfillment.








whew. I got myself all excited.

Solitare

So, I guess I am a Solitary Witch.

I don't really know how I feel about this just yet so I hope this doesn't come across as too pitiful, I'm sure it's as intended, but I feel bummed all the same.

I got the word today that the group I had been petitioning dedicancy to has said that they will not be accepting me for initiation.

Sigh.

The only issue they mentioned is scheduling. I work till late at night and they were wanting to meet during the week. I don't know if there is more to it than that, if there is I guess I don't want to know. All of this leads me to wonder if I totally screwed up by not leaving the door open to study with the first group I began my seeker classes with. But, I guess it's too late for that. I told them on Friday that I would not be seeking dedicancy with them. Really tho I had already figured out that it wouldn't quite work out for me to study with them.

And now I'm left where I was scared to end up. Ready to go, totally into pursuing this and......no teacher. Again. I guess it's my destiny to walk a solitary path.

I couldn't believe my luck that I'd 'stumbled' into this rich Pagan/Wiccan/Witch community complete with tons of classes and full blown initiate training. I was so close to beginning my year and a day training. I've been looking forward to this for so long. I feel deflated & disappointed.

What is so upsetting to me is that I was really looking forward to learning all of this from people, not just from books, to see this done in real life. I need the structure of class to keep me motivated and to help me to know where to begin and how to work through all of this wealth of knowledge. I don't just want to flit from thing to thing when I have the time. Now there are no classes. There is no initiation. It's just me. Stumbling through this.

The one nice thing is that one of the people I connected to the most intensely has offered to be a mentor of sorts. She has said she would meet with me regularly. I know how that goes though, she is still teaching the Seeker classes, running a brand new coven and possibly starting a new job at some point in the future.

I feel like crying.

When they told me it was so hard not to show how disappointed I was. But instead I always do this thing where I pretend I'm not upset, that everything is ok and concentrate on convincing them that I'm not upset when I really am.

So I guess it's up to me now to puzzle all of this out and go off on my own. They said I would still be invited to open rituals but most all of the actual sabbats are closed I'm sure.

Always on the outside looking in.

Thank the Lord & Lady the dishes were done and the house clean when I got home tonight, I really don't feel like I can handle any more disappointment today.

What makes it more of a bummer is that our full moon ritual went smashingly tonight. At least I thought so. Maybe they didn't.

Oh well, I'm off to throw a pity party for myself.

Wanted: Inspiration

While everything about the weather, the season & the landscape is inspiring lately, I just don't seem to be inspired to write. I have been painting but no writing. I can't think of how long it has been since I last wrote poetry.

Hmmm.

It's not that life has been all that serious as of late but I think there is a pervading funk enveloping the U.S.A. right now.

I'll be back.

Turning

There's so much going on these days I can hardly keep up with myself!

Life gets busy and I stop blogging...

I met with the new group that I'm looking to study with and had some tea. We talked, and talked, and talked-well, mostly I talked which is really strange for me. It's a rare thing when I am with someone who I feel I can speak with freely. Most especially on the subject of spirituality and other such things. I can b.s. with just about anyone on 'every day' topics but I find it's best to keep silent on a majority of things I want to say. I didn't used to care about being inflammatory, and it's not as though I worry about what others think of me now it's that I have realized one doesn't have to shout from the rooftops to validate themselves to others. I am who I am and while that seems to be left of center I'll just keep that as a tasty little treat for 'others' to discover with time as opposed to slapping them in the face with it.

I've been having a hard time finding time to squeeze in my spiritual practice. I've been meaning to start meditating every morning & exercising again as well. This last week I was lucky if I got up & to work on time. I'm naturally a night person and my job definitely caters to that proclivity.

A good chunk of the things on my to-do list have been taken care of these last couple of weeks tho so it should be a little easier to get going on that front.

I will be starting a week long fast on monday per orders from my holistic doctor. I had a series of tests done and he has determined that my blood sugar is to blame for all of my health woes. According to the tests I'm very nearly diabetic. My body does not process sugar correctly thus the insane weight gain, low energy, headaches, joint aches, skin problems, and a myriad of other things. So, we are going to start taking some steps to get me put right. Firstly I have to start losing weight and exercising. Those two things just so happen to be my first priority as well. I found that this week while I've been 'gearing up' for this fast I've been drawn to indulging in my favorite foods because this is the 'last time' I'll be able to have them. Damn. I'm a food junkie. I love pasta! Oh well, I like my health more...(says the girl who is getting ready to exist on what is loosely called a smoothie but in reality is flavored powder in water for an entire week.)

Wish me luck.

Shadow time

During the full moon esbat on Saturday night we were called to reflect upon our shadow selves. 'Tis the season for self reflection!

I know for some this can be a hugely difficult task, for myself, I've been communing with my shadow self since I was a child. While I've always known her and acknowledged her I have only recently come to understand and accept her role in my life and my spiritual advancement. I never had a context to put this shadow self into, never known why she existed or appreciated how knowing her has helped me to be self aware. Growing up I thought there was something wrong with me, this darker self, this shadow aspect seemed 'bad' in the Christian context. I fought her thinking that if I could kill off the darker aspects of myself than I would be enlightened, without blemish, clean & pure.

Thanks again Christianity.

Now that I understand what function my shadow self serves I am able to trust & accept her and integrate the knowledge that she offers more readily. There is duality in all aspects of nature, if we could but appreciate that there is no light without darkness I think we would all be a little more compassionate towards ourselves and the world as a whole.

Listening and learning, what a concept huh? I'm getting it, bit by bit.

In other news, I made it in to the local herbatorium (my term, I like the way it sounds...) and purchased some herbs for a gift I am making my new niece. I am sewing her a decorative pillow for her crib, it's in the shape of a star and will contain red roses, lavender, clove & frankincense in a satchel tucked in the middle. I plan on blessing the herbs and sealing them with a prayer for her health, happiness & protection. This is the first time I've done anything like this so I hope it goes well, we'll see!

Can you feel it in the air at night?

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
George Eliot

Wise words Mr. Eliot, I would have to agree.

Though it is still very hot & humid here I have noticed that the nights are a little cooler. Really what has got me excited is that August is half over and I just know that we are getting closer and closer to Autumn. I have to say I was taken by surprise when I realized that summer is nearly over.

This particular summer has sped by, especially compared to last summer which I thought would never go away. We haven't had nearly as many days of scorching hotness as we did last summer also which is a big bonus. When I look back on last summer I am really able to feel that we are in a better place. Better location wise, employment wise, mentally, artistically, motivationally, spiritually, it's all on the up up and away train.

I never really realized what the Autumn season signals to others, I never thought of it as being a beacon to my (previously undiscovered Witch family) all the world over. With the recent turning towards Autumn I have come across a couple of testimonials to the connection between Autumn and Witches. The following text is written by Victoria David Danann for Seasons in Avalon School of Witch Arts. The excerpt pertains to what I speak of, the rest of the essay is extremely important and should be read in it's entirety at: http://witch-school.com/CallToHealing.html

"Sometime in my early thirties, to the best of my recollection, I glanced out the window and did a double-take as I felt a surge of inexplicable delight. Something had changed in a way I perceived as "overnight". The shadows were cast differently somehow. The sunlight seemed softer, as if a filter had been installed between Earth and Sun. Even the dance of the tree leaves had changed.

I began to look forward to that one day every year -- the day when I would casually glance out a window and feel a rush that said, "Fall!" I always knew I loved Fall. I didn't always know that it's partly because of my calling and predisposition as Witch. Fall marks the beginning of what I call Magick Season; the time, between Samhain and Yule, when Witchcraft renders the greatest satisfaction and the greatest rewards."

It's funny, as I was writing my lovely friend Giggly all about how much I love this time of the year I received a letter from her in turn saying the very same things.

I am in such a happy place right now, even though money continues to be an issue and there are always oh so many things to do I can't help but feel positive and excited for the future. Such a welcome change.

As the days & nights grow cooler I feel more alive, more myself, exhilarated, ready


"The hazy, cloudless skies of Indian Summer.
Leaves scurrying down the street before the wind.
The cold shiver from an arctic blast. Indian Summer.
The last warmth of the sun.
Chilly mornings and glorious warm afternoons. The Harvest Moon. The Hunter's Moon.
Dry corn stalks clattering in the wind.
The touch of frost on grass and window pane.
The smell of burning leaves."

Keith C. Heidorn

A new day

Well, though I may have fallen off the wagon.....BIG TIME....I am not quitting like I have in the past. I have launched many many health campaigns in my time and not followed through on any of them. I haven't gotten as far as I have this time before either. It looks as though my schedule is going to be stable now and is far more conducive to working out and eating healthy than practically any before. I don't have to be to work until after noon so there is plenty time to get to the gym and get a work out & shower in plus a healthy breakfast & lunch before I head to work.

I have to commit now because I bought shoes! I finally splurged and bought myself some really nice athletic shoes. I used a coupon but still they were more than I like to spend on such things. I'm not a tennis shoe wearin' kind of gal in my day to day existence so while I need actual everyday shoes I was hesitant to go with the athletic shoes instead.

I have a pitiful shoe collection as far as most women are concerned. Most of my shoes are for special activities, I have hiking boots, steel toe work boots, insulated steel toe work boots, Doc Marten pole climbers (boots that go up to my knees), two pairs of shoes that have holes in them with cracked soles, two old pairs of Doc Marten boots that I wore for over ten years and are retired but I can't bring myself to throw out, three pairs of platforms that are my only dress shoes, a pair of Adidas tennis shoes and that's it. Pretty pitiful. It's hard for me to find shoes that fit though so I usually get discouraged, it's akin to bra or swimming suit shopping for me. How did I get on the subject of my shoe collection? Bah, I'm rambling....

Anyway, I'm going to start going to the gym again dammit. I've now got less than a year before my wedding, time is ticking. Speaking of which can you believe it's August already? All of the back to school ads have been throwing me. Is fall really right around the corner? Wow.

Hey, where did everybody go?

I miss having friends.

This is a slightly hypocritical remark on my part due to the fact that I find myself too busy or rather....preoccupied most of the time to put in the work to maintain an active friendship with anyone around here. It takes a lot for me to take a relationship from casual acquaintance to close friend, to someone who I feel comfortable calling up to go to the movies, have a drink or come over for a chat.

I'm guilty of not feeling up to the challenge of going through the paces with someone new. I want instant close friends, like the washcloths that are shrunk down in cute shapes and expand into sponges or washcloths when dropped in water.

I haven't really had much luck meeting people living here the last few years, in the past when I would be alone for the whole summer I would get brave and hunt for friends. This led me to craigslist.

Yeah, that's right.

I made friend dates with people off of the casual acquaintance section of craigslist. It made for some fun, wild, weird stories but ultimately didn't lead to any long term acquaintances. I don't regret a single one of them, well....except for one guy who was....strange. He looked like an adult size leprechaun but add scary sharp teeth...he was very needy & self obsessed. He seemed to have a whirlwind of drama about him at all times. He would have liked to be bosom buddies but I don't do drama. Especially when I'm just getting to know someone and all they want to talk about ALL THE TIME is their conversations with other people whom I don't know. If you can't take a pause and ask me a question....any question...or involve me in the conversation on any level then I'm out.

This weekend I would have liked to have had a friend. A real true friend. I felt like going out and having some fun for a change of pace, normally I'm not much for going out really. I was really wanting to go out and have a few drinks, wander around down town....something. I called everyone I knew, even those who I don't much care for....no one answered or was able to go out.

Boo hoo.

It was Llamas this Saturday but I didn't go. I've been feeling a little out of sorts about the coven and wanted to make a little space between us. I won't spell out the drama but suffice to say I don't think they are the group for me. I believe I have found an alternate coven to do my year & a day studies with, hopefully that works out.

Well, my man gets home tomorrow and I'm ready. At first it wasn't so bad but now that I've got a case of the lonelies it'll be nice to have him back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

"You aint got to lie Craig!"

If you know what movie the title is a quote from you too might, just might be a stoner too.

I am, these days, a non smoking stoner.

I think that's part of my problem. I don't do anything to relieve stress lately. Not that smoking the bubonic chronic is the best way to deal with your stress but now and again? Yep. It's just what the doctor ordered.

I have had to quit in order to comply with an impending drug test for my new job. At first I wasn't that bummed cause I'd been laying off for quite some time before I knew I had to give it up for a bit. I haven't been a true blue stoner for years but.........I do likes me some tweeds from time to time. And right now. RIGHT NOW is one of those times. Damn.

I'm practically twitching here.....

Calgon, take me away!

Arg.

What a week. It's only Wednesday and I'm saying this.....not good.

Sometimes all that gets me through a day without totally wiggin' out is just telling myself over and over and over again-

THIS IS THE DREAM. THIS IS NOT 'REALITY'.

I'm trying to be zen, really I am.

Dear Cat

Dear cat,

Why do you insist on scooping your food out of the lovely (and probably too expensive) bowl that I have provided for you to eat off of the floor? Your manners are atrocious. I respectfully petition you to consider eating over your bowl like a civilized cat. You know I am not fond of cleaning up others messes, I tell you this all the time while I do the dishes (again and again and again.) Please consider my request and endeavour to develop some manners.

Your loving 'mother',
M.

P.S.
I sweep up all of the chunks you leave on the floor and deposit them back into your bowl, you end up eating them anyway so, ha!

Full Moon Fever

Well, while I was inside the covenstead enjoying one of the most fabulous full moon esbats ever someone else was driving around wild with full moon fever (or booze, or on their cell phone, or had poked their eye out, the possibilities are endless I suppose..) and crashed into my truck.

Hit and run.

There were a couple of witnesses but alas they were about 12 years old and didn't think to get the license plate number. They were able to describe the woman and her vehicle to the responding officer though and happened to mention that they had seen that car before in the neighborhood and believe that she lives around there. Hopefully this will yield results.

Bummer.

Luckily it's only cosmetic and it's still drivable. I just hope that she gets caught and I don't have to pay my deductible to get it fixed. I've got some figuring to do....

They said that her car was so badly damaged that she was having a hard time driving away from the scene of the accident so that fact makes me think maybe she was drunk. In any case it's a much much worse idea to run from something like that than to just own up to it right away. Karmically and in the eyes of the law as well.

Everything we do, positive or negative, comes back to us.

I'm no saint so I can't put all of this on her. I just hope we are able to resolve this without me having to figure out where in the world I'm going to come up with a deductible.

Blah.

More money worries. Like there isn't enough of those crowding my brain.

In other words, my man and I had a wonderful time together last night. It seems like we don't really see each other much these days with the shifts we are working and him getting his portfolio ready for review. He draws all night while I have to go to sleep so I can get up early and I have been spending a lot of time at the covenstead on the weekends to give him time to draw. He leaves this Wednesday for nearly two weeks. I'm so jealous. I am glad that I have a good job that is quite challenging at the moment to distract me and a TON of stuff going on with the coven. And when I'm not doing that I have a bunch of homework for our next pre-dedicant class to work through. And, of course, I suppose I could continue to endeavor to FINALLY finish a painting for a change of pace.

I'll miss him all the same. The silence of an empty apartment is different when the other person is in a different room than when they are gone altogether. But hey, this is the first summer we haven't had to be separated for the entire summer in years. For the past three years he would leave state to work for the whole summer and I would be stuck here in the humidity and sweltering heat. Just the cat and I sweatin' it out. So I am grateful that he has a good enough job that he doesn't have to do that anymore and we can spend the summer together just being in love and-hopefully- planning the wedding.

Ups and downs~
Such is life

Oh, P.S.
The movie 'The Tiger in the Snow' is wonderful. It's sweet, it's funny, it's a rare treat in this era of plastic Hollywood bullshit, it's foreign so go figure.

Mother Moon

Getting out of the movies this....morning? That doesn't sound right but we went to a midnight show of Batman and didn't get out till 2:30am, I was struck by the moon. All of my thoughts of the movie and some friend drama were pushed aside and I was awestruck.

Seriously in awe.

It was so full, so bright. I felt her presence, I knew that she saw me. I felt changed by her gaze.

Tonight I gather with my coven sisters (and uno brother) to celebrate the full moon. We ask that
"Goddess of opportunity
Bring good things in life to me
I'll be alert to all that you send
For myself and for my friend"

These days I am wearied in my heart, my body and my soul by the fear and greed in the world. I must strive to remember Mother Moon and the feeling of peace and awe that she inspires within me.

I know that the veil of mysteries is thick, it was thin once but humans clouded it, I'll make my way there.

I just have to remember and imagine all at once.

Blah blah

Diet.

What an ominous word.

It haunts me.

I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.

There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.

I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.

Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.

My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....

I seem to have no willpower. No self control.

I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.

I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!

I've got to get myself under control.

Sick Day

I took a sick day today.

I've been having a weird stomach ache and haven't been getting my requisite amount of sleep. I can't wait until the training period is over for my new job so I can get on my actual shift instead of this torturous morning shift. I am just no damn good in the morning.

Sick day has been spent painting (insert smile) and replying to pen pal requests! I registered with a site called allpenpals.com. I haven't had many responses but there have been a couple. The one I'm the most excited about though came to me thru my blog! I didn't even know if anyone aside from my two faithful blogger friends even read this. But to my great surprise my new friend popped up in response to my last post. Now we've exchanged our info and I do believe we're going to start corresponding! In fact I'm cookin' up a little somethin' somethin' for her today.

This Saturday is a full moon ritual and I'm excited. I love full moon rituals. Last weekend was my first pre dedicant class and while it was pretty informal I just enjoy being in that space learning about herbs, gems, deities, tarot cards, mythology.... I can't wait to start my formal year and a day training. This has been such a glorious feeling finally getting involved in my spiritual studies again. (I know I keep saying that...I'll quit soon I promise)

For next class we have to read 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz. I'm excited, my mom read it a long time ago and had told me about it but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

The quote for the day is;

~When the power of love outweighs the love of power the world shall know peace~

Blessed be~

Musings

For a few years now I've been wishing I had a pen pal.

Someone I could have an intimate correspondence with. Not intimate in the sexual sense, but in a very real sense. A closeness developed with a stranger, a connection across the divide. I've never taken any steps to make this happen, I 'spose there is probably some internet meet up thingy for just such a thing, maybe I will finally do it.

I don't just want to be the writer tho, I want someone to write back. Tell me what's going on in their life, their daily hopes, fears, what the color of their sky is. I want to know their dreams, desires, bad days, favorite songs, I want to know them through their words.

I have sought to do this in a different way, once upon a time, through instant messenger. It ended....with mostly predictable results but a few surprising ones too. I don't think that I'll go that route again.

Part of the appeal is getting mail. I never get anything that isn't bills it seems. I'm sure most everyone in the world can relate to that sentiment.

Oh well, we'll see.........

Still tender but on the mend

I am absolutely unequivocally in love with art.

Every day I see so many things that inspire me, stoke the fires within me that fuel me to create, to daydream, to believe.

Life has been tough these last few years.

Looking back the images that come to mind are dark and dusty, muted. I know there was happiness. I know there was laughter. I also know there was a murky depression that settled over my heart for years.

Nearly 3 years to be exact.

During that time I struggled to be creative, struggled to write. I was inspiration-less. I felt completely lost and afraid.

The light chases the shadows~ I feel inspired, in love with life. I still struggle not to be wary. I feel skittish about celebrating my happiness. And then I remind myself to center and ground. Right now is right now. Revel in this moment.

There is so much beauty in this life, and I mean beauty in the broad all encompassing sense~

The surreal.

The grotesque.

The animalistic.

The serene.

The tender.

The awe inspiring.

The bright white heat.

The magickal.

The mysterious.

The nostalgic.

The sharp that cuts.

The daydream.

My cat thinks I'm boring

I've made my way back.

Life can be such a whirlwind sometimes.

I always feel like I'm on the cusp of things mellowing out, of catching a breath. This hardly ever actually happens. I've been trying to work on living in the present moment and not looking into the future- it's tough.

Again, I'm on the cusp of starting a new job. This job drama has been going on for longer than I can begin to tell you. I hear about people who have been at the same job for years and I wonder what that must be like.

For the time being I'm done with the nanny scene. It's not the kids, kids are great. Even when they are naughty they are still bright little lights that shine into my heart. No, it's the parents that mess it all up. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a family where the parents and I will be a team rooting for the kids. This has never been the case. I always end up just being the hired help. It's a very humbling experience, I encourage everyone to do it at least once. It's the kind of perspective one has to live to receive. Once you've been the 'help' you would never dream of treating someone in the service industry with disrespect.

My last nanny job was pretty sweet, I was working with a one year old girl who is the most precious thing ever. We got along fabulously. I was in love from day one. The parents? At first they seemed ok, I thought maybe we could even actually be friends. Two weeks into the job I received another job offer from a company I had been courting for months. The pay, the benefits, the hours, it was all too amazing to pass up. When I told them I was going to have to leave their whole attitude towards me changed. They weren't nice anymore and I could see that again, I was just the help and that though they could see that this was a great opportunity for me all that mattered was how it impacted their lives. Nothing I did to ease the sting seemed to help and by my last day their attitude was just pure crap. Oh well, live and let live I guess.

Now I'm eagerly waiting to start my new job. This is such a huge blessing that seemingly dropped out of the heavens into my lap..... I know it's the wrong attitude to have, I try to curb it, but until I actually show up to work there I have to wonder if I'm going to wake up to find it's all been a dream.

In other news, this Saturday is my first pre-dedicant class. I am so excited, these are classes that are designed to fill in the gap between the seeker classes and the actual dedicant process that begins in January. We are to research a specific deity, herb, stone and tarot card. I love it. There are two other pre-dedicants who will be going through this process with me, they are totally radicool. I can't help but continue to be amazed that this is actually happening. All of it. The job, the classes, the apartment, the guy, it's all such a pile of blessings.

Oh, and the diet? I've fallen off the wagon for a week or so now but luckily only gained back 1/2 lb. I'm getting back on the diet train and I'm going to pull this caboose into the gym starting tomorrow. It's been so hot and humid I just can't imagine going to a weight room without air conditioning....but I'm going to give it a go.

Life is good. Unendingly nerve wracking, but good.

Midsummer Nights Dream

Ahhh, Litha.

This is the turning point at which summer reaches its height and the sun shines longest.

I've been neglecting my Wiccan studies, it's time to get to work. The sun is high and the time is now.

Beautifully complex

Sometimes I feel like being human is a new experience for me.

Many days, more often than not I take notice of this world, of me, of others with a sense of wonderment and surprise.

I'm in awe of the heights of achievement some reach, of the capacity within some to love and nurture, of others to create words/pictures/music/sculpture that elevates me to what feels all at once like divinity and damnation.

Being alive is painful, it's confusing, it's amazing, I find it baffling that one person can feel so many emotions all at once and not simply explode.

I am a million words, sounds, memories, sensations, images, emotions, desires all bundled up and stuffed into a package that feels too small.

If I could arrange it all into folders, boxes, have a yard sale and get rid of the garbage, I would be better, more put together.

That will never happen

I will have to learn to exist as this complex force.

Right now............

Right now it just makes me want to have a smoke and a drink.

Summertime and the living is not easy

Forgive the cheesy title.

Cheesy. Yummmm.

I've been on a strict diet for a month now. It feels like six months. I decided it was time I lost all this weight and got a hold of my health. Actually the diet is just part of a total makeover. I have vowed to:

Lose at least 50 lbs.

Start working out at least 5 days a week.

Begin my spiritual studies & practice in earnest.

Quit smoking weed entirely for awhile (it's been a month now) and then only once in awhile.

Work on my fiction book I am writing.

Finish any one of the 7 oil paintings I've started.

Sounds like a tall order? It is. My usual response after the initial rush of inspiration is depression. Well, it took a little longer for the depression to rear it's ugly head but here it is. On top of all of this I have to begin looking for a new job. My current nanny gig will be over in another week and then I'm unemployed yet again. I absolutely loathe looking for a job. I would rather have surgery than look for a job. Due to the fact that I couldn't get my ass to finish either of the degrees I began my options are pretty limited. You practically have to have a degree to be a fucking secretary these days.

Meanwhile as the bills are piling up the weight is not coming off. I've been very strict with my calorie counting and have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week- sometimes more. I've lost a total of 7 lbs. for all of my hard work and sacrifice.

I'm so bummed out and overwhelmed. I am practically paralyzed by this whole job affair. That mean little voice inside of me keeps saying "Just fucking give up already, who cares? It's just too hard. Take the first job you see and eat whatever you want. Happiness is a myth. Look around you, how many people do you know are happy with their lives? Just do whatever you want."

Bah. I'm hanging in there though. I know a cheeseburger with fries won't make me feel better in the long run. And now that I've been through all of this shit with the calorie counting and hours on the treadmill it's just likely to make me feel worse but the urge doesn't go away. I know these feelings are universal but I keep asking myself "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just do this?"

I know the answers to those questions though and it doesn't make me feel any better. Spoiled. Self indulgent. Lazy. Think about how long the Buddha sat under a tree to gain enlightenment and I can't even diet for a month without having a breakdown.

It's hard.

Wading through it

Life is so confusing and difficult.

It's hard enough to be responsible for yourself, your happiness and your future but when it is all tied in with another person it is ten times as stressful.

These are obvious observations but it's so muddled and confusing in my mind right now I don't even know where to begin to put it all down. I want that release that comes from writing through an issue, the clarity that comes from sorting it all out but this is years and years of mess and emotions. They refuse to behave themselves and assemble into sentences.

I'm going to give it a shot though and just see what happens.

The big question remains as it always has, will I be able to be myself, live the life that I have been called to while we are still together? He's really not into the idea of Wicca & Witchcraft. He's coming around a bit since it appears that the alternative is that we part ways but I just don't know if we are both just too comfortable (after nearly 13 years it's a distinct possibility) or if we truly are meant to be together. I know that I love him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I don't know is if that is enough. For both of us. There is a lot of living, a lot of details and big decisions that just don't flow.

I feel like we are constantly butting our heads against the wall and wringing out our hearts. That's what the world should tell young people love is really like. None of this fairy tale Hollywood bullshit. I was so misled!

I want the booming voice from heaven/space/ethereal planes to speak to me and tell me- "marry this man!" -or- "don't marry this man!"

A Conjurin' Summer In

Beltane, a time to celebrate conception and look ahead while letting go of things no longer needed.

I had a great time at the Beltane celebration this Sunday. I got to meet a couple of new people who were wonderful, everyone I've met so far in this group is so nice and welcoming. In my experience that is very rare. I'm more at ease during these Esbats & Sabbats than I've been in any kind of gathering I can think of.

The ritual had an air of frivolity to it, the songs were really interesting and I tried to sing along even though I had no idea what the tune was....yikes! Rest assured I was singing very quietly.
We made fairy wands with ribbons which we wrote wishes for the new year on, I have yet to put mine outside for the fairies to find. It was a lot of fun and a nice, long, joyous occasion. The fact that there were a few snowflakes falling from the sky as we were 'a conjurin' summer in' didn't dampen our spirits too much though it didn't escape notice!

Afterward I was able to stay as long as I wanted and was wanted. Last time, during the full moon Esbat I had to leave early and was bummed. Everyone enjoyed the cheesecake & strawberry puree I brought (white & red.) I was able to talk more with our High Priestess and some of the others who I had previously not had the opportunity. I found the similarities within our paths very telling indeed. All who spoke of their journey to Wicca & Witchcraft had parallel experiences to my own. Much wandering from one religion to another seeking a home.

Our High Priestess is a truly amazing woman. She has a long history of teaching witchcraft in our community (12 years!!!!) and dedicates an amazing amount of her time to the craft, her coven, her students and the community at large. I am very inspired by her, she told me she didn't start seriously studying Witchcraft until she was in her 30's as well. She has the most kind, smiling eyes. She really does illustrate what I see as a face of the Goddess. Joy and bounty, kindness and knowledge seem to radiate from her. I feel very blessed to know her.

Really I feel that way about everyone I've met within the coven. They are all very special people and I'm looking forward to knowing them. It occurs to me that they must already know a great deal about me, I believe they have done my astrological chart and being as they are all witches they have a way with intuition and energy reading that tells them things about people, it's scary but.....interesting knowing that there is no hiding. Definitely prompts me to be more real, more careful about what I say, truthful.

Previous to the Beltane celebration I had been listening to an old podcast from iTunes titled 'The Witching Hour' by Stacey Simmons the episode is 'The Wheel of the Year- Beltane.' I enjoy her podcast quite a bit, she is very insightful and thoughtful in her delivery, it's been a wonderful introduction for me.

There were a number of things she mentioned that struck me as interesting and pause for thought;
Life is not the opposite of death, conception is the opposite of death. Life is what is in the middle. Makes absolute sense when one thinks about it, but till then if someone had asked me what the opposite of death is I would have said life.

The Maypole's ribbon pattern symbolizes the connectedness of life.

Popular Beltane foods were red & white. The red represents the female, the white represents the male. A popular thing to bring to a celebration was a white cake and red wine.

There were other things as well but I'll spare you my whole journey as I really am just finding out about it for the first time.

The first time I attended an Esbat was the new moon and we were given the opportunity to write down things that we wanted to invite into our lives and then offer them to Fire to be carried to the Divine. I felt the power in this practice, I took it very seriously and I feel that I have been granted some of those things that I asked for.

We performed that same ceremony at Beltane and were able to write things that we wished to be rid of and adversely things we wanted to invite into our lives. I love this and was glad to do it, I wrote on more pieces of paper than anyone else I think but why not shoot for the stars right?

Overall it was a nice time, I am really realizing how very very far I have to go to ready myself for witchcraft. It is very difficult for me to ground and center my energy during ritual and also I feel I am not going through the proper channels within myself to commune with the Divine. I'm expecting results although I've not taken all the proper steps.

I've been working through one of my 'text books' for class and she talks in there about communicating with your 'younger self' and building power and I know I have not a clue as to how to do this just yet. At first I was really bummed out that I wouldn't be able to begin dedicant classes immediately following my seeker classes but now I see that I have a lot of inner work to accomplish before I am ready to take on all of the other work. There is so much to learn, many lifetimes it would take me to comprehend all of this knowledge.

I stayed home from work today to finish my reading & question sheets and get it all typed up for class tonight. I feel bad for letting my employers down, it was a very difficult decision and I hope I didn't cause them too much strife. Tonight is our last class as seekers and then I will begin working on my own, on myself, while occasionally attending pre-dedicate classes.

Miles to go yet I've put my feet on the path.

My spiritual life Part One

All of my life I have been on a spiritual quest.

Starting from a very young age I began shopping churches. I've gone to more than a hand full of different churches, researched more than a few different religions/spiritual disciplines. Each and every one of them had some small nugget of truth to offer me but in the end I never felt like they fit. After years and years of searching I came to the conclusion that I could never belong to an organized religion/spiritual discipline, it just wasn't me.

I have taken those pieces of truth over the years and crafted them into my own spirituality, a patchwork quilt of divine truth. From Buddhism I took meditation, reincarnation, the wheel of karma and the art of Zen. From Christianity I took a love, respect and admiration for the teachings of Jesus as well as a child-like adoration of Mary. From Hinduism I took polytheism and the desire to "know" God. Of course there are other nuances that I absorbed as well but these are the biggies.

And yet, I never felt fulfilled. I never felt like I had gathered all of the pieces. I never felt comfortable. My spiritual hunger was driven by what I had always felt was my fatal flaw.

Ever since I was a very very young child I have felt split. Half of me was "good" and half of me was "bad" (by Christian standards.) This feeling of extreme dichotomy is present in some of my earliest poetry and journal writings going back as far as 4Th grade elementary school. I struggled to be "good" enough, "pure" enough but always felt I fell short by what were aspects of my essential personality. By essential personality I mean parts of myself that could/can never be killed off. To deny them would be a lie, something I never could reconcile within myself.
(To clarify, when I talk about "bad" parts of myself I am not speaking of anything extreme, and what I know now is that my "bad" self was actually my shadow self, more on that later.)

I never knew anyone who was a Wiccan. At least no one who was vocal about it. Growing up in a small town I never even saw books on Wicca at the bookstores, I had no idea what it was. Or what it wasn't more importantly. In so many ways I wish I would have known about it as a teenager. All that angst, guilt, the questions, the blind sadness.

As an adult I came across a piece of spiritual literature that suggested that there is no "good" and there is no "bad" there is only light and dark and all the shades of grey inbetween. There is no light without darkness. This concept made a massive difference to me in my concept of self and after reading into it more and taking some time to digest the principle I accepted it as a personal truth.

Now I understood myself in different terms, it was an awakening.

I was finally ready to know my true self.

Full Moon Fever

Tomorrow night I will be attending my second ritual ever and my first with the coven that has been hosting my seeker classes.

I am so excited, nervous, and....proud? I suppose I do feel a sense of pride in myself that I am taking these steps because I am so nervous and have been so secluded for these last few years. It takes a lot of courage for someone (certainly myself) to break out of their mold and venture forth into adventure and uncertainty and yeah, I am damn proud of myself.
Another layer of trepidation is the added paranoia that this is a door that I am opening to my spiritual self. I've not quite learned how to ground and shield myself though I do work on it. Having had a very surreal and unpleasant experience once before with dark energies I'm certainly wary.

We were given a hand out in one of our classes and it spoke volumes to me, I would like to share part of it:

"It is easier to be celibate than fully alive sexually. It is easier to withdraw from the world than to live in it; easier to be a hermit than to raise a child; easier to repress emotions than to feel them and express them; easier to meditate in solitude than to communicate in a group; easier to submit to another's authority than place trust in oneself." -Author Unknown

There is so much truth in this paragraph, it really strikes me on all levels. For so very long I had unconsciously adopted these attitudes. I thought that they kept me separate, safe and comfortable. Yet what they were ultimately doing was holding me back from the real human experience and dulling my soul.

No longer.

I am now actively crafting a life that will save me and will replenish my heart, my creativity, my sexuality, my spiritual self and destroy the evil EGO. I feel like every experience in my life has led me to this place. I can't help but wish I'd begun earlier though....but regret is a wasted emotion.

After the full moon esbat ritual there is a potluck dinner and that is what's really got me all a twitter. Frequently in social situations where I am not bringing a friend along I'm reduced to the emotional state of a kid on the first day of school. I'm sure it is the same or worse for most everyone but (luckily) all I have to deal with is myself.

Hopefully my cupcakes win the hearts and stomachs of my fellow witches. Pick me! Pick me! Let me join your club! Yikes. I've got to get a hold of myself.

I'm going to go swimming, clear my head and get on the road to my wedding body. (I say swimming but I suspect to others it looks more like drowning such are my aquatic skillz.)

Movin' On Up

Well, we're in our new place finally! This was the most hellish move ever and I can't express how glad I am that it is over! We are both really excited about this new stage in our lives, things are moving in a very positive direction and it's amazing!

Promise I'll write more soon!

seeing is not believing, seeking is believing

I have not mentioned it but I have begun my seeker classes.
It has been an interesting experience so far, nothing mind blowing but none the less I am thrilled by the prospect that this world does indeed exist.

All of my life I have believed in magick.

I was reminded of this as I went through some of my books while packing the other day. I came across a book I had as a child about fairies & gnomes. I knew at the time that others saw this as only fantasy but I always believed that there was and is more in this world than we 'know.' I have never seen a fairy or any woodland creature that I am aware of but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I have never seen Russia but I'm sure that exists as well. Same thing with outer space. The fact that other people say they have seen them means something, and it's more than a few people so it seems pretty accurate. Same with fairy folk and other assorted woodland creatures. There are many accounts of their existence from all over the world throughout time.

Same goes with magick.

The amazing thing is that now I actually know people who work magick. I have met real witches.

We are still in the very very beginning phase of our classwork, introduction to Wicca & Witchcraft really, but it's fascinating all the same. I feel a sense of calm within me now that I have begun this path. I feel as though this was the stepping stone that has been in front of me for years, I was just too.....cowardly to take the step.

All The Young Dudes

I'm a childcare worker.

A nanny to be precise.

I know it's risky business to talk about such things on a blog but I'm pretty certain that there are hundreds, thousands of us out there in blogger world and I don't intend to "out" my family by disclosing personal details. Since it's such a big part of my life though it's impossible to keep it out of my blog.

With that said, on with the show!

I recently started with this family that employs my services for a couple days per week. Not much, but enough. Especially since we've hit a snag. Every nanny knows the one I'm speaking of, it's that time when you cease to be the cool new person that they get to play with and become this nagging annoying bitch who consistently makes them say please and thank-you, pick up their toys, won't give them all the candy they want and makes them practice writing their numbers & letters.

I only have the one 5 year old boy for most of the day (brother comes after school lets out) and for the first couple of weeks it was going smashingly. Until yesterday. Somehow I went from this fun awesome chick- the first one he had ever met who knew the names of the Transformers and had read Spiderman comics to someone he was mean to and refused to listen to. I thought maybe we were just having bad day yesterday so I tried to brush it off as a bad day and his older brother's influence. But this morning as I arrived to work I tried to have a talk with him over breakfast regarding his previous days actions. I asked him if he really didn't like having me around and if he didn't think we were friends. He said no. He doesn't want to be my friend and he doesn't like me. I named off some of the cool stuff we've done since I started coming over and asked him if he liked doing that stuff, he shrugged his shoulders and I'm thinking to myself that I would have loved to have had someone do all those things with me when I was a kid!

Then it dawned on me, those things don't seem all that special to him because he gets to do them all the time. No leverage there. So I told him that he had hurt my feelings and asked him if he knew what that felt like. He said that yes he did. So now we're trying something new. I'm not in any way being mean to him, just not as accommodating as before. There's no small talk, no lists of fun stuff that we can do with the day, I've just been letting him amuse himself this morning and see what he thinks of that. He knows he's made me upset and it's bugging him but he just won't come around- he's got that toddler stubbornness. I just want him to understand that it feels the same way to someone else when you hurt their feelings as it does when someone hurts his. Empathy is not always an inherent understanding in kids and it's dangerous when it doesn't exist and they grow up without it.

People, do your kids a favor and don't make the only discipline your kid gets be through school and daycare/nannies.

KIDS NEED DISCIPLINE.

I can't stress this enough. It seems simple, but it also seems as though everyone has lost their damn minds with the way they 'raise' their children. They are not pets. They require more than food, shelter, clothes and moments of intimacy. All the money in the world, all of the expensive activities, the college fund you've been paying into their whole lives, the cool expensive clothes & toys you buy them will never make up for the fact that you are gone working all the time and virtual strangers are raising them.

People wonder why there are so many kids shooting people these days? I'm not going to go so far as to point fingers but hey- might want to consider it. I happen to love my job and love kids and would NEVER do anything to harm them but unfortunately not every childcare worker feels the same way I do. Never mind the worst case scenario of them actually abusing the children most of them are just entirely not interested in the kids, they largely ignore them and are rude to them. Sigh, it is a shame when materialism and the lust for bigger better and more competes with a parent's sacred charge to raise their children. I know I'm talking myself out of a job by saying parent's should just stay home to raise their kids but mostly above all I care about the kids and I've seen so many of them grow up confused, spoiled, unhappy, unruly. It's impossible to not love them, I just wish I could be real with parent's about what their kids are going through without pissing them off and losing my job. It's a no win situation.

Now, this in no way is a reflection on those (few) parents who have to work to pay their bills period. No extras, they are just struggling and need childcare to help out- different case altogether.

OK, I feel better having gotten that off of my chest. Whew!

From there to here

How I got here from there is a story that I feel warrants telling.

This is a story of answered prayers and confirmation of the divine presence in my life.

All of my life I have wrestled between a profound longing for a deep connection to the divine and being content to go about my pleasure seeking, not always positive- life.

About two years ago I dropped out of college for the second time. I have a track record of not following through with things and this was just another one to add to the list. I had my reasons for dropping out and although I was/am happy with those reasons, I felt the sting of disappointment of those around me all the same. Suddenly my days were wide open, without school to focus on I turned to job hunting but wasn't having a lot of immediate luck. Sitting in my apartment for weeks, staring into the abyss of my computer I grew more and more depressed. All of the familiar questions were rattling around in my head; "There has to be more than this right? Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life? Is there really a God/Goddess out there listening? What is wrong with me?"

I wandered in and out of depression for the next two years, like I had so many times before. Caught between wanting to do something meaningful and positive with my life and feeling helpless to change myself and/or my circumstances.

While working an unfulfilling job with no real prospects on the horizon I felt like I had finally reached the end of my tolerance for this poor excuse of a life. I was completely unfulfilled in nearly ever aspect of my life and had finally grown tired of it enough to dedicate myself towards making a change. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to change for the better.

I restarted my research into Wicca & Witchcraft and found a lot of comfort in the writings & podcasts, they made me feel lighter, more positive. They helped me to see that the responsibility of my life lay in my hands. That there wasn't going to be a big booming voice from the sky saying "you should apply for _____________ job, it is your life's work." I had been wanting the easy answer, the easy road to enlightenment & fulfillment. What Wicca & Witchcraft did for me was to show me that yes, if I worked hard enough and made it the focal point of my life that I would indeed find happiness and fulfillment (and here is the important part) in THIS LIFETIME. Not after I died and was granted access into heaven, not merely building good karma for the next life, that the rewards would manifest in this lifetime. And I believe that. I do wholeheartedly believe in the threefold law.

And so I lumped along with my reading, working towards change in my employment & living situation, all the while asking for the Goddess to move me, move my life, show me the way.

Well, I was shown a hint. A peek. A wake up call.

I found out I was pregnant.

After 12 years without a scare now, now I was pregnant. We were terrified. We had never planned on having kids, we were totally broke, my fiance wasn't even working at the time. It was time to reassess everything immediately. I had to really look at my reasons for not wanting to have children. Upon close inspection I realized that those ideas were old, irrational fears based on examples of people who were in much different situations than we were. Everything changed, we got used to the idea, were excited about what was to come. We started changing everything- got ready to move, I quit my labor intensive job, it was all a green light.

The day we went in to have the ultrasound done that would tell us the sex of the baby was the most exciting day of our lives. We were giddy with it. Within seconds it was all over and the dream turned into a nightmare. We were told that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.

Within 48 hours my mom had arrived to be with me while I went into induced labor. With my mom and my man beside me after 10 hours I had the baby.

In the subsequent weeks as we moved through the healing process I have come to so many realizations. While I was pregnant I was remorseful that I hadn't established my Wiccan/Witch identity and practices previously so that I could impart that to our child- I know enough about babies to know that they are all consuming and that I would have to wait awhile before working on that again. I was remorseful that I hadn't been exercising before , that my body was not in very good shape, my health was poor. I was remorseful that our finances were a disaster and our living situation not conducive to raising babies. The list goes on but suffice to say I wished that a good number of things would have been different.

Now that we had lost the baby I felt like we were given a second chance to do it right. To right all of those wrongs, to be proactive instead of reactive. I now see our 'whisper' baby as a wake up call. During that 5 months I mapped it all out, I saw the big beautiful picture, I found the entrance to the path.

Now we are actively making strides to rectify our situation to get us in a better place physically, spiritually, financially, & domestically. I'm sad for the baby we lost but I know she is waiting for us, waiting to come back when we are ready for her and can make this the most positive experience of our lives.

My prayers were answered, the Goddess moved me alright, it was a bit of a shove to be honest but obviously that is what I needed. I feel so much better about my life, myself and my purpose here. I realized that in the end the fulfillment I was/am seeking is not going to come from any kind of outside source, it will come from me, from my connection to the Divine, my family, my man, it's all about love.

It's No Coincidence

Lately my mind has been fixated on my commitment to begin the study & practice of witchcraft.

There's not a lot of time in the day when it isn't at the forefront of my mind. And I think, as such, the Goddess has taken this opportunity to grant me the request made within my first ritual. I sent up a prayer to the Goddess asking her to guide me to a path of spiritual fulfillment.

Today as I was in the kitchen preparing a lengthy recipe I decided to listen to an archived podcast from the ATC Pagan Information Network I had downloaded. There were a total of 22 podcasts. I started to listen to one, stopped it and picked another at random. The topic of discussion ended up being; 'how do I begin on the path to studying Wicca?' Hmmm, interesting. Out of all of them I get this topic.

After I finished my recipe I checked the mail and my books arrived for my seeker classes I will be taking in March. Yipppeee! Interesting timing..... After reading the first chapter in " True Magick" by Amber K I went into the kitchen to make some Chai. On the box was a little snippet of wisdom that echoed what I had just been reading in my book, "Wisdom and faith can remove all obstacles and bestow both worldly and spiritual success and happiness." (~Ganesha~)

I'm convinced. The path is clear to me now. I feel the God/dess speaking to me, moving my in my life.

I am so grateful to feel my eyes opening and my soul waking to the task at hand.
My mantra is; All things are possible through the God/dess. As above, so below.

Blessed Be

Not so fast....

Ok,
so I looked a little more into the Pagan church here and I just......I just....have such a hard time with churches. I guess I've had one too many bad experiences and am wary.
I have committed to at least one set of classes for 'seekers' which begins in March by purchasing the required texts for the classes. Hopefully the books arrive before the classes start! There is another group here in my area that offers classes as well and I may attend their classes too in the interest of comparing and deciding which is the best fit.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a rush here because we may not be living in this area for more than 6 more months. I could kick myself for squandering all of this time here, not taking more of a proactive approach towards appreciating this city for all of its bounty. All in all it has been an entirely amazing experience living here- most of those experiences were internal but I suppose that's not to be discounted.

Moving on and moving up.....

First Ritual Jitters & Joys

Last night I attended my first Pagan ritual.

It was in honor of the Hunger Moon Esbat. Or the Lunar eclipse as some of you know it.

I have been reading about the Pagan/Wiccan/Witch philosophy for a number of years now and I do believe I've done enough reading to know. This is the closest I've ever come to feeling like I've found a form of spirituality that answers the questions I've been asking. Reinforces the beliefs I've known since the beginning. Speaks to dreams I had as a child. It feels like coming home. And I know that it's mine, this isn't something that someone else turned me onto and could therefor in some way be construed as mirroring. This is all me.

I've been timid about taking the steps to begin practicing and furthering my studies but I've recently decided that it's time to begin this journey. Time to take a new path. I've been looking for a deep personal relationship with the Goddess and a God who speaks to what I know to be true. Not the vengeful, misogynistic biblical God.

I was nervous about attending the ritual but it was in a safe place and it felt like the perfect night to begin my commitment to becoming a Witch. I was afraid it would be a large group of people and that I would be the only newcomer and they would want me to speak (I am going to have to do that for a different Pagan introductory meeting. Yikes.)

Turns out there were only 4 other people there, one of them had never been to ritual before either and the others were exceedingly welcoming and kind. It was a joyous experience and I found myself to be more relaxed than I had imagined. I felt happy and connected to the moment. I am optimistic about this year and it is the very best of signs that I am finally moving in this new direction. This direction has caused it's fair share of waves though, my man isn't thrilled with this step in the least but we're working through it.

Once I finally decided to get serious about researching my options for outside contact and education I find out there is a wealth of resources in this area for the study of Paganism, Wicca & Witchcraft! To anyone who is familiar with the craft this blog will reek with incredulous trumpeting of an ugly swan but please understand- we all begin somewhere and I just happen to be beginning a little late. As is my custom with most any engagement...I'm working on it OK?! :)

(As an aside: I've been stumbling across a bunch of shit on the internet about 'fluffy bunnies' in regards to newbies, I'm not exactly sure what's being hated on here but it's probably me...)

So, I think I'm going back to church. This time though, it's a Pagan church. I really can't actually believe such a thing exists, small town girl that I am, I mean, wow. Seriously. The town I grew up in never even had a sex shop or a place to rent dirty movies, paraphernalia shops were/are out of the question. Tiny and uptight, full of drug addicted alcoholic bible thumpers this town would burn down such an establishment if it were to be constructed anywhere in the state of _ _ _ _ _ _ .

It dawned on me as I was perusing a store that specializes in P, W & W (Pagan/Wiccan/Witchcraft) items that we truly live in a great country that we can enjoy these spiritual options without personal threat. Around Valentines Day I read an article on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7239005.stm
saying that red items were banned from sale to celebrate Valentine's Day. No shit. Because it promotes relations between men and women. Our government certainly is a far cry from perfect but I appreciate that there are far worse options. I'm grateful for what I have (though I'll never stop asking for more, like a new president!!!)

Church is Sunday. I'm excited. And nervous.

For anyone stumbling across this (or nudged this way by myself and are suddenly finding things out about me you never imagined- SURPRISE!) if my talk of P, W & W freaks you out I seriously urge you to do some reading about what these spiritual paths actually encompass and do not simply close your mind due to smear campaigns, rumor, popular media & ignorance.

There is no Satan in the craft. Satan is a Christian construct, not a Pagan or Wiccan figure. Witchcraft is not Satanism. Only Satanism is Satanism. I am in no way now or will ever be in any type of association or league with the Devil. Rest assured. It's a dirty rumour that the two are intertwined.

Knowledge is power people.

For real.

Daydream away in a Daydream Nation

There is a large grey cat dreaming in my lap.

His paws are flexing, his tail twitching, I'm certain there are birds involved.

Every day he brings a smile to me, my grey companion~

What's a girl to do?

New beginings are always intimidating.

Are introductions in order?

A handshake?

Kiss on the cheek?

I suppose I'll just jump right in and the general chaos that is my writing mind will unfold undoubtably obscuring all previous intentions.

Beware:
Nothing is off limits here.