Blah blah

Diet.

What an ominous word.

It haunts me.

I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.

There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.

I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.

Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.

My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....

I seem to have no willpower. No self control.

I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.

I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!

I've got to get myself under control.