"You aint got to lie Craig!"

If you know what movie the title is a quote from you too might, just might be a stoner too.

I am, these days, a non smoking stoner.

I think that's part of my problem. I don't do anything to relieve stress lately. Not that smoking the bubonic chronic is the best way to deal with your stress but now and again? Yep. It's just what the doctor ordered.

I have had to quit in order to comply with an impending drug test for my new job. At first I wasn't that bummed cause I'd been laying off for quite some time before I knew I had to give it up for a bit. I haven't been a true blue stoner for years but.........I do likes me some tweeds from time to time. And right now. RIGHT NOW is one of those times. Damn.

I'm practically twitching here.....

Calgon, take me away!

Arg.

What a week. It's only Wednesday and I'm saying this.....not good.

Sometimes all that gets me through a day without totally wiggin' out is just telling myself over and over and over again-

THIS IS THE DREAM. THIS IS NOT 'REALITY'.

I'm trying to be zen, really I am.

Dear Cat

Dear cat,

Why do you insist on scooping your food out of the lovely (and probably too expensive) bowl that I have provided for you to eat off of the floor? Your manners are atrocious. I respectfully petition you to consider eating over your bowl like a civilized cat. You know I am not fond of cleaning up others messes, I tell you this all the time while I do the dishes (again and again and again.) Please consider my request and endeavour to develop some manners.

Your loving 'mother',
M.

P.S.
I sweep up all of the chunks you leave on the floor and deposit them back into your bowl, you end up eating them anyway so, ha!

Full Moon Fever

Well, while I was inside the covenstead enjoying one of the most fabulous full moon esbats ever someone else was driving around wild with full moon fever (or booze, or on their cell phone, or had poked their eye out, the possibilities are endless I suppose..) and crashed into my truck.

Hit and run.

There were a couple of witnesses but alas they were about 12 years old and didn't think to get the license plate number. They were able to describe the woman and her vehicle to the responding officer though and happened to mention that they had seen that car before in the neighborhood and believe that she lives around there. Hopefully this will yield results.

Bummer.

Luckily it's only cosmetic and it's still drivable. I just hope that she gets caught and I don't have to pay my deductible to get it fixed. I've got some figuring to do....

They said that her car was so badly damaged that she was having a hard time driving away from the scene of the accident so that fact makes me think maybe she was drunk. In any case it's a much much worse idea to run from something like that than to just own up to it right away. Karmically and in the eyes of the law as well.

Everything we do, positive or negative, comes back to us.

I'm no saint so I can't put all of this on her. I just hope we are able to resolve this without me having to figure out where in the world I'm going to come up with a deductible.

Blah.

More money worries. Like there isn't enough of those crowding my brain.

In other words, my man and I had a wonderful time together last night. It seems like we don't really see each other much these days with the shifts we are working and him getting his portfolio ready for review. He draws all night while I have to go to sleep so I can get up early and I have been spending a lot of time at the covenstead on the weekends to give him time to draw. He leaves this Wednesday for nearly two weeks. I'm so jealous. I am glad that I have a good job that is quite challenging at the moment to distract me and a TON of stuff going on with the coven. And when I'm not doing that I have a bunch of homework for our next pre-dedicant class to work through. And, of course, I suppose I could continue to endeavor to FINALLY finish a painting for a change of pace.

I'll miss him all the same. The silence of an empty apartment is different when the other person is in a different room than when they are gone altogether. But hey, this is the first summer we haven't had to be separated for the entire summer in years. For the past three years he would leave state to work for the whole summer and I would be stuck here in the humidity and sweltering heat. Just the cat and I sweatin' it out. So I am grateful that he has a good enough job that he doesn't have to do that anymore and we can spend the summer together just being in love and-hopefully- planning the wedding.

Ups and downs~
Such is life

Oh, P.S.
The movie 'The Tiger in the Snow' is wonderful. It's sweet, it's funny, it's a rare treat in this era of plastic Hollywood bullshit, it's foreign so go figure.

Mother Moon

Getting out of the movies this....morning? That doesn't sound right but we went to a midnight show of Batman and didn't get out till 2:30am, I was struck by the moon. All of my thoughts of the movie and some friend drama were pushed aside and I was awestruck.

Seriously in awe.

It was so full, so bright. I felt her presence, I knew that she saw me. I felt changed by her gaze.

Tonight I gather with my coven sisters (and uno brother) to celebrate the full moon. We ask that
"Goddess of opportunity
Bring good things in life to me
I'll be alert to all that you send
For myself and for my friend"

These days I am wearied in my heart, my body and my soul by the fear and greed in the world. I must strive to remember Mother Moon and the feeling of peace and awe that she inspires within me.

I know that the veil of mysteries is thick, it was thin once but humans clouded it, I'll make my way there.

I just have to remember and imagine all at once.

Blah blah

Diet.

What an ominous word.

It haunts me.

I've been trying for months now to get healthy, to get in shape, to feel better, to look better.

There was progress at first. About three months into it I had lost 13 lbs. I was exercising constantly- I could see the results in my body and then.........I stopped.

I quit counting calories, I quit going to the gym, I quit weighing myself.

Now I've put 3 lbs back on and am on a rapid downward slide of eating crap food. It's pretty pitiful that the junk food I'm consuming is the weight watchers ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs of Doritos. I don't even eat the real thing and still I'm gaining weight! I'll tell you a secret- twice this week I bought myself a donut. I can hardly believe myself.

My motivation for losing the weight hasn't changed- I'm still getting married, I still want to have a baby, I still want to get rid of my health issues.....

I seem to have no willpower. No self control.

I was so proud of myself when I was working out. I felt better, my back wasn't hurting nearly as much and my stomach aches eased up a bit, my joints felt worlds better. Now, it's all back. These last couple of days I have felt horrible. I have so far to go to be quiting now. I gotta tell you though, when I think about a whole year of counting every single calorie and eating all this diet food I want to disappear. It seems insurmountable. I tell myself every day that I'm going start counting my calories again and as soon as I feel better I'm going back to the gym. But it doesn't happen. It was so hard to get used to the tiny portions before, I felt like I was living on carrots and assorted other free foods and hungry all the time.

I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable and putting myself further and further behind with every pound I gain back......... I'm a junky. A junk food junky. I could really go for a cheeseburger and fries right about now........damn it!!

I've got to get myself under control.

Sick Day

I took a sick day today.

I've been having a weird stomach ache and haven't been getting my requisite amount of sleep. I can't wait until the training period is over for my new job so I can get on my actual shift instead of this torturous morning shift. I am just no damn good in the morning.

Sick day has been spent painting (insert smile) and replying to pen pal requests! I registered with a site called allpenpals.com. I haven't had many responses but there have been a couple. The one I'm the most excited about though came to me thru my blog! I didn't even know if anyone aside from my two faithful blogger friends even read this. But to my great surprise my new friend popped up in response to my last post. Now we've exchanged our info and I do believe we're going to start corresponding! In fact I'm cookin' up a little somethin' somethin' for her today.

This Saturday is a full moon ritual and I'm excited. I love full moon rituals. Last weekend was my first pre dedicant class and while it was pretty informal I just enjoy being in that space learning about herbs, gems, deities, tarot cards, mythology.... I can't wait to start my formal year and a day training. This has been such a glorious feeling finally getting involved in my spiritual studies again. (I know I keep saying that...I'll quit soon I promise)

For next class we have to read 'The Four Agreements' by Miguel Ruiz. I'm excited, my mom read it a long time ago and had told me about it but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

The quote for the day is;

~When the power of love outweighs the love of power the world shall know peace~

Blessed be~

Musings

For a few years now I've been wishing I had a pen pal.

Someone I could have an intimate correspondence with. Not intimate in the sexual sense, but in a very real sense. A closeness developed with a stranger, a connection across the divide. I've never taken any steps to make this happen, I 'spose there is probably some internet meet up thingy for just such a thing, maybe I will finally do it.

I don't just want to be the writer tho, I want someone to write back. Tell me what's going on in their life, their daily hopes, fears, what the color of their sky is. I want to know their dreams, desires, bad days, favorite songs, I want to know them through their words.

I have sought to do this in a different way, once upon a time, through instant messenger. It ended....with mostly predictable results but a few surprising ones too. I don't think that I'll go that route again.

Part of the appeal is getting mail. I never get anything that isn't bills it seems. I'm sure most everyone in the world can relate to that sentiment.

Oh well, we'll see.........

Still tender but on the mend

I am absolutely unequivocally in love with art.

Every day I see so many things that inspire me, stoke the fires within me that fuel me to create, to daydream, to believe.

Life has been tough these last few years.

Looking back the images that come to mind are dark and dusty, muted. I know there was happiness. I know there was laughter. I also know there was a murky depression that settled over my heart for years.

Nearly 3 years to be exact.

During that time I struggled to be creative, struggled to write. I was inspiration-less. I felt completely lost and afraid.

The light chases the shadows~ I feel inspired, in love with life. I still struggle not to be wary. I feel skittish about celebrating my happiness. And then I remind myself to center and ground. Right now is right now. Revel in this moment.

There is so much beauty in this life, and I mean beauty in the broad all encompassing sense~

The surreal.

The grotesque.

The animalistic.

The serene.

The tender.

The awe inspiring.

The bright white heat.

The magickal.

The mysterious.

The nostalgic.

The sharp that cuts.

The daydream.

My cat thinks I'm boring

I've made my way back.

Life can be such a whirlwind sometimes.

I always feel like I'm on the cusp of things mellowing out, of catching a breath. This hardly ever actually happens. I've been trying to work on living in the present moment and not looking into the future- it's tough.

Again, I'm on the cusp of starting a new job. This job drama has been going on for longer than I can begin to tell you. I hear about people who have been at the same job for years and I wonder what that must be like.

For the time being I'm done with the nanny scene. It's not the kids, kids are great. Even when they are naughty they are still bright little lights that shine into my heart. No, it's the parents that mess it all up. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a family where the parents and I will be a team rooting for the kids. This has never been the case. I always end up just being the hired help. It's a very humbling experience, I encourage everyone to do it at least once. It's the kind of perspective one has to live to receive. Once you've been the 'help' you would never dream of treating someone in the service industry with disrespect.

My last nanny job was pretty sweet, I was working with a one year old girl who is the most precious thing ever. We got along fabulously. I was in love from day one. The parents? At first they seemed ok, I thought maybe we could even actually be friends. Two weeks into the job I received another job offer from a company I had been courting for months. The pay, the benefits, the hours, it was all too amazing to pass up. When I told them I was going to have to leave their whole attitude towards me changed. They weren't nice anymore and I could see that again, I was just the help and that though they could see that this was a great opportunity for me all that mattered was how it impacted their lives. Nothing I did to ease the sting seemed to help and by my last day their attitude was just pure crap. Oh well, live and let live I guess.

Now I'm eagerly waiting to start my new job. This is such a huge blessing that seemingly dropped out of the heavens into my lap..... I know it's the wrong attitude to have, I try to curb it, but until I actually show up to work there I have to wonder if I'm going to wake up to find it's all been a dream.

In other news, this Saturday is my first pre-dedicant class. I am so excited, these are classes that are designed to fill in the gap between the seeker classes and the actual dedicant process that begins in January. We are to research a specific deity, herb, stone and tarot card. I love it. There are two other pre-dedicants who will be going through this process with me, they are totally radicool. I can't help but continue to be amazed that this is actually happening. All of it. The job, the classes, the apartment, the guy, it's all such a pile of blessings.

Oh, and the diet? I've fallen off the wagon for a week or so now but luckily only gained back 1/2 lb. I'm getting back on the diet train and I'm going to pull this caboose into the gym starting tomorrow. It's been so hot and humid I just can't imagine going to a weight room without air conditioning....but I'm going to give it a go.

Life is good. Unendingly nerve wracking, but good.