I had the most lovely time visiting my grandmother.
It was also the most relaxing vacation I've ever had. Thank the Goddess!!!
The key to having a relaxing vacation for me is that I have to go by myself . Constantly worrying about someone else- are they having a good time? are they feeling left out? I guess I better do this/that or they'll be mad. Admittedly my inability to curb my people pleasing problem is in actuality my problem and something that needs to be remedied, for my sanity, but- this was not the time or the place for that. I needed to go and be by myself for a bit.
Being by myself with my grandmother & her broken wing was also very conducive to non-stop relaxation since she was more than content to sit in her chair and read/snooze/chat/snack. And that is exactly what we did. Typical me, I had a whole list of things I had hoped to do while I was there, I wanted her to teach me how to do this & that, do a stitching project or two, work out a little every day, in essence a plan to get the most out of my time off before I had to leave and in the end we didn't really end up doing any of them. Thankfully I'm okay with that. I'm driven but also able to accept when things aren't fitting together the way I micromanaged it. I just chilled out and let it be and rode the wave- or more appropriately the couch.
I read Amy Lowell's poetry by the fire as all the women (two of my aunts live with her) of the house snoozed, I wrote in my journal (for the first time in a VERY long time), I read two whole fiction books back to back!! Both books were beautiful, haunting, imaginative and had very unique perspectives/stories. The first book is titled 'The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters' by Gordon Dahlquist and the other was titled 'The Lace Reader' by Brunonia Barry. I practiced my mindlight meditation a bit, I drew some cards from my tarot deck & documented them in my tarot journal, I napped, I ate food that was very bad for me, I watched my grandmother nap- studying the lines on her face, I got the stories behind various pieces of memorabilia. I barely got on the computer at all (so slow it was not worth it) and basically just dropped out of the world for 9 glorious days. It was so very nice.
I was so secluded that on the last day when I began to pack my bag back up everything that I had run away from flooded back to me and I instantly got a headache. How's that for a mind/body connection? Blech. I am hopeful however. Hopeful instead of completely overwhelmed like I was when I left.
I know we will get through this just as we have everything else that has come our way. I haven't talked much about what's been going on with my husband lately because I've never quite figured out how to talk about other people in my life without 'outing' them on the internet- especially when it's something that is not altogether positive. I would prefer for the time that all the characters in this play remain as anonymous as can be. We are up to our noses with a chronic anxiety condition with major panic attacks and instead of it getting better when I left as I had hoped he has gotten worse. He will finally be going into psychiatric treatment starting this wednesday and I hope and pray continually for his healing and for my sanity. If any of you suffer from this horrible issue I feel for you from the bottom, top & middle of my heart, same for any of you who have someone in your life who is afflicted with this- it's hard on us too, the supporters, the anchors. For 10 years now we have been dealing with this and I've done all I can do. Thankfully we have insurance that includes counseling so we're finally going for it. He's ready to accept that this isn't going away on it's own and though there are times that are more mellow than others overall it's creeped into his daily life with an alarming consistency for the last year and it's time to get over it.
One day at a time.
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