Give me back my lion's heart

I feel like I should write myself out of this funk I'm in.

Problem is, there are so many things going on I don't really know where to begin, how best to articulate and if it is the proper forum to air this laundry on the web and of course, does anyone (besides me obviously) give a damn?

Well, at any rate, I'm going to give it a go and see if it does indeed make me feel better or bring me some clarity.

At the very least I know my girl Giggly reads this and that's good enough for me.

Ok, it all began first thing this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm going to (finally) begin getting up early and meditating & working out. I even went to bed extra early last night to facilitate this.

Alarm goes off.

Snooze.

For an hour.

I finally get up and lump about until my meeting for my 'free personal assessment' with a trainer at the new gym I joined.

I don't know what I was expecting but essentially what I got is:

You are out of shape.

You are over weight.

You can meet these goals but you're going to have to work your ass off.

You are going to have to pay a ton of money for a personal trainer, more than is reasonable and/or affordable so forget it.

The 'fitness group' that you wanted to join is less expensive than the personal trainer you wanted but is still outrageous and even though you decided to pony up for it, it isn't available outside of your work schedule so forget it.

Oh, and in order to get a workout plan put together for you we're going to need you to cough up $350.00 for a heart rate monitor, a cardio endurance test that will tell us what your target heart rate is and then we'll come up with a plan for your workouts.

Bullshit.

I can't believe the cost after cost after cost.

So I left feeling very dejected and discouraged.

Then at work, I start thinking about how the Wiccan group I was hoping to dedicate with told me to hit the bricks.

It still stings. Again, dejected and rejected.

It breaks my heart that I finally for the firstest time ever find a group of people who are on the same path, that feel like a real community of like minds and BAM! the door is shut.

"No, you walk this path alone." (that's what I hear)

Yet, I do feel like it is good to be humbled and so I emailed the one person I felt I connected to the most and asked her for some help putting my own year & a day training course together. I also asked if I could still come to esbats from time to time. I told her that I was hurt and confused by the way in which the door was closed not only to study but seemingly to the community as well (mainly due to the fact that I haven't heard from anyone at all once since it was known that I wasn't dedicating with either group)

It's my truth and I had to say it, it made me feel silly and small and weak but I said it. At the time when confronted with the decision not to dedicate me I played it cool and made my best effort not to show I had been affected. This is what I do, I play it cool and brush off the most insane shit people throw at me. This in particular wasn't an 'insane shit' instance but the others make me cringe to think about.

What next you ask?

Someone who was previously a good friend just had a baby today.

Why is that a total bummer?

Well, she basically stopped talking to me for a (then) mysterious reason nearly 10 months ago.

I talked to her, likely, a total of maybe 8 times during those months. During one of those calls she decides to tell me she's 6 months pregnant. Drama, drama, drama, I won't go into how fucked up that all ended up being but after she told me that she stopped talking to me again totally. I'd call all the time and she wouldn't answer my calls, email, myspace, nothing. Nada. Zip.

So today she calls and tells me she's had the baby and then just goes on talking like nothing weird ever happened. Like I'd just talked to her yesterday.

Oh, and turns out she wasn't 6 months pregnant, she was 8.

Her new friends threw her a baby shower a week ago. It was fabulous, they gave her a ton of gifts.

Neat.

No idea why she decided to keep all of her friends & family in the dark about this baby but her new work friends have known all along.

She didn't even tell her mom, a friend of ours told her about a month ago. A month before the baby was born. I have been struggling with the rejection she doled out, hoped I'd get to talk to her at least once more about the baby and some of the potentially dangerous mistakes she was making (she didn't go to the doctor ONE time before going in to have him) before the baby came but no luck. So, I had to play it cool and pretend I wasn't upset, just chat as if everything was cool. What, I'm going to pick a fight with a BRAND new mom? Right. Plus, I was blindsided. Shocked. Just like when she first told me about the baby.


Today, my heart was made out of glass.

I'll have my lion heart back tomorrow though.

I just know it.

I feel like there is a sticky, goopy tornado whirling around inside of my chest & stomach.

What a day.