Solitare

So, I guess I am a Solitary Witch.

I don't really know how I feel about this just yet so I hope this doesn't come across as too pitiful, I'm sure it's as intended, but I feel bummed all the same.

I got the word today that the group I had been petitioning dedicancy to has said that they will not be accepting me for initiation.

Sigh.

The only issue they mentioned is scheduling. I work till late at night and they were wanting to meet during the week. I don't know if there is more to it than that, if there is I guess I don't want to know. All of this leads me to wonder if I totally screwed up by not leaving the door open to study with the first group I began my seeker classes with. But, I guess it's too late for that. I told them on Friday that I would not be seeking dedicancy with them. Really tho I had already figured out that it wouldn't quite work out for me to study with them.

And now I'm left where I was scared to end up. Ready to go, totally into pursuing this and......no teacher. Again. I guess it's my destiny to walk a solitary path.

I couldn't believe my luck that I'd 'stumbled' into this rich Pagan/Wiccan/Witch community complete with tons of classes and full blown initiate training. I was so close to beginning my year and a day training. I've been looking forward to this for so long. I feel deflated & disappointed.

What is so upsetting to me is that I was really looking forward to learning all of this from people, not just from books, to see this done in real life. I need the structure of class to keep me motivated and to help me to know where to begin and how to work through all of this wealth of knowledge. I don't just want to flit from thing to thing when I have the time. Now there are no classes. There is no initiation. It's just me. Stumbling through this.

The one nice thing is that one of the people I connected to the most intensely has offered to be a mentor of sorts. She has said she would meet with me regularly. I know how that goes though, she is still teaching the Seeker classes, running a brand new coven and possibly starting a new job at some point in the future.

I feel like crying.

When they told me it was so hard not to show how disappointed I was. But instead I always do this thing where I pretend I'm not upset, that everything is ok and concentrate on convincing them that I'm not upset when I really am.

So I guess it's up to me now to puzzle all of this out and go off on my own. They said I would still be invited to open rituals but most all of the actual sabbats are closed I'm sure.

Always on the outside looking in.

Thank the Lord & Lady the dishes were done and the house clean when I got home tonight, I really don't feel like I can handle any more disappointment today.

What makes it more of a bummer is that our full moon ritual went smashingly tonight. At least I thought so. Maybe they didn't.

Oh well, I'm off to throw a pity party for myself.