adventure seeking

Today I want something.


I don't know what it is, yet.


I'm not sure if I will figure out exactly what it is, I think it might be more of an experience than a thing.


I feel like being adventurous, outwardly adventurous. 


Not like dreaming up a salty erotic fantasy that denies decency or eating salad without dressing, I want to go out into the world and have an adventure.  The way I see it there are only two things stopping me, one is that I don't have the car today.  Homeboy took it to work (poor bastard) and my feet, while I am finally able to walk again, are not fit for any kind of a long walk.  So, it appears I'll have to stay indoors and have an internal adventure.  I'm not quite sure where this will take me today, I bet it's going to be somewhere awesome. I can tell by the fact that I have thus far resisted eating breakfast because it seems too normal, too obvious.  Instead of my usual green drink smoothie I just might eat frozen Indian food. Now that's living on the edge.  I remember the first time I made a ham, cheese, mayo, chocolate sauce and ranch dressing sandwich.  That was living.  Am I merely a shell of my former self?  Or was I tripping on mushrooms when I made that....can't remember...too many brain cells burned in the interim.  (Honestly I think it was just plain ol' maryjane)


I wish I knew if I was pregnant or not...it's days like this I might just throw caution to the wind and have a drink or two, smoke a joint and paint till my fingers bleed.  Alright, I'm just saying that... only like, twice ever have I started drinking this early in the day and neither time did it turn out well.  It's always when I know I'm not actually going to have an alcoholic beverage that I like to pretend I would if it weren't for such & such.  I really am not a drinker.  Now, I just might actually smoke that joint I was mentioning....worst thing that could happen as a result is I take a nap.  I suppose I've taken naps that felt like adventures.... 


I wish I had a friend here.  I would have them over and we would bust out the henna kit I got last year for my birthday and we'd paint each other up like gypsy sideshow circus performers or play doctor or........ oh, I suppose I haven't had any of those friends for a loooong time.  Alas, all the ones I have now are far away raising families with chickens in the yard and fresh bread in the oven.  Except for the ones who are still drug addicts.  I don't know what their lives look like today because they can't get their shit together to call me. 


In my youthful days it was occasions such as this that brought on the idea to pierce myself (and I'm not talking about my ears ;).  I was daring and bold and completely unfazed by pain driven by the mad desire to act out and surprise myself.  I didn't do it to rebel, my parents were so cool I didn't have anything to rebel against.  Other nights I'd experiment with wacky over-the-counter drug combinations to see what would happen.  Makes my stomach queasy thinking about it now.


What does the 30-ish me do on days when I need an adventure?  I guess we'll just have to see.  Maybe I was too hasty in dismissing breakfast....