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Friday, November 12, 2010

I am the kind of good that is always on the verge of giving into temptation, You are the good that relentlessly resists giving in.

After a long, rambling 14 years I finally saw your face again.  Our previous meeting was for less than 20 minutes.  The bulk and depth of our friendship took place during elementary school, we've held on all these years, only speaking once a year or less.  For 27 years we were always far away close beside like no other ever was or will be.


Then your mother died. 


All of the spaces between us ceased to push us apart and instead pulled us close together.  It was more than empathy that wrenched at my heart, more than tears that fell from the clouds in my head, I more than felt you in that moment, I was one with you.


And then, out of the blue you came. 


You asked me if I didn't believe it until I laid eyes on you, I felt bad for doubting you and said no, but I lied.  I didn't believe you would come.  I wished for you. 
I wanted so badly to tell you how you have marked me, but I always stumble.
I thought of how I used to love waking up next to you, we always slept in the same bed during sleepovers. 
I wanted to crawl in next to you, instead I went to my own bed and reminisced to myself.
You were so cool, you were bright where I was sort of slow to connect, how ironic. 
Time has indeed turned the wheel, I am more you and you are more me.  Inadvertently we've met in the middle. 


My memory fails me in so many ways, so much of it is blurred and dreamy. 
I was touched by how you remember me, memories as far back as kindergarten. 
You shocked me with some of your stories, I kept quiet, afraid I'd scare you with most of mine. 
I was proud of your accomplishments, your insights and your adventurousness. 
I feel like there may be a day when I can be completely open with you and that's big. 
Your heart is so immense in spite of a life that has been at times tragic. 
And you, you never became bitter or closed off. 


Instead you armored your heart and loved fiercely.
You fought for the love you deserve and demanded the world show you what had been hidden by an extremely sheltered childhood.   


It strikes me as I re-read "Something Wicked This Way Comes" right now, the weather and your appearance are both fitting.  Of course I am Jim Nightshade and you are William Halloway.  Of course when we ran our hardest and spoke a secret language we too were 13 years old.  Of course I remember feeling we were two sides of the same coin.  Of course we were exactly the same and completely different never competing- neither one of us wanted to win at the expense of the other losing. 


You admitted it scared you how quickly I grew up, as if overnight you said.  My developing body set me apart from everyone, I didn't just imagine it.  Now, none of that matters.  Death, divorce, adventures, miscarriage, insecurities, dreams, life, marriage, spirituality, family.  20 years of history to pick up where we left off. With roughly 24 hours to do it. 


We ate desert first, when you are under the gun like that you have to prioritize.  It was delicious of course. 


I love you.
Thank you for not abandoning me even though I am the most eccentric person you know.  Some day I may tell you exactly what that means.

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