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Monday, November 29, 2010

a little bitter. okay, a lot.

Miniature rant:


I'm getting really annoyed that everyone I know is getting pregnant but us.


Most all of them are people that aren't even trying.  Accidental pregnancies.  Fuckers. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

I am the kind of good that is always on the verge of giving into temptation, You are the good that relentlessly resists giving in.

After a long, rambling 14 years I finally saw your face again.  Our previous meeting was for less than 20 minutes.  The bulk and depth of our friendship took place during elementary school, we've held on all these years, only speaking once a year or less.  For 27 years we were always far away close beside like no other ever was or will be.


Then your mother died. 


All of the spaces between us ceased to push us apart and instead pulled us close together.  It was more than empathy that wrenched at my heart, more than tears that fell from the clouds in my head, I more than felt you in that moment, I was one with you.


And then, out of the blue you came. 


You asked me if I didn't believe it until I laid eyes on you, I felt bad for doubting you and said no, but I lied.  I didn't believe you would come.  I wished for you. 
I wanted so badly to tell you how you have marked me, but I always stumble.
I thought of how I used to love waking up next to you, we always slept in the same bed during sleepovers. 
I wanted to crawl in next to you, instead I went to my own bed and reminisced to myself.
You were so cool, you were bright where I was sort of slow to connect, how ironic. 
Time has indeed turned the wheel, I am more you and you are more me.  Inadvertently we've met in the middle. 


My memory fails me in so many ways, so much of it is blurred and dreamy. 
I was touched by how you remember me, memories as far back as kindergarten. 
You shocked me with some of your stories, I kept quiet, afraid I'd scare you with most of mine. 
I was proud of your accomplishments, your insights and your adventurousness. 
I feel like there may be a day when I can be completely open with you and that's big. 
Your heart is so immense in spite of a life that has been at times tragic. 
And you, you never became bitter or closed off. 


Instead you armored your heart and loved fiercely.
You fought for the love you deserve and demanded the world show you what had been hidden by an extremely sheltered childhood.   


It strikes me as I re-read "Something Wicked This Way Comes" right now, the weather and your appearance are both fitting.  Of course I am Jim Nightshade and you are William Halloway.  Of course when we ran our hardest and spoke a secret language we too were 13 years old.  Of course I remember feeling we were two sides of the same coin.  Of course we were exactly the same and completely different never competing- neither one of us wanted to win at the expense of the other losing. 


You admitted it scared you how quickly I grew up, as if overnight you said.  My developing body set me apart from everyone, I didn't just imagine it.  Now, none of that matters.  Death, divorce, adventures, miscarriage, insecurities, dreams, life, marriage, spirituality, family.  20 years of history to pick up where we left off. With roughly 24 hours to do it. 


We ate desert first, when you are under the gun like that you have to prioritize.  It was delicious of course. 


I love you.
Thank you for not abandoning me even though I am the most eccentric person you know.  Some day I may tell you exactly what that means.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

poor me.

i want someone to write me a love letter.


the kind that gives me insight into who i really am.  the me that i can't see because i'm always too focused on my faults.  the kind that surprises me, makes me want to smile, cry and make love all at the same time.
i want to be dazzled. i want to be awed.


give me more.
i'll give you some more too, you know i'm awesome like that.












damn you black hockey jesus and your brilliant gloomy wordsmiting, bringing forth so many conflicting emotions and dangerous memories. i am addicted to pouring thru your past posts, the way you write about your family, your angst, your love of language, life & death. i bet you write amazing love letters.

Friday, November 5, 2010

adventure seeking

Today I want something.


I don't know what it is, yet.


I'm not sure if I will figure out exactly what it is, I think it might be more of an experience than a thing.


I feel like being adventurous, outwardly adventurous. 


Not like dreaming up a salty erotic fantasy that denies decency or eating salad without dressing, I want to go out into the world and have an adventure.  The way I see it there are only two things stopping me, one is that I don't have the car today.  Homeboy took it to work (poor bastard) and my feet, while I am finally able to walk again, are not fit for any kind of a long walk.  So, it appears I'll have to stay indoors and have an internal adventure.  I'm not quite sure where this will take me today, I bet it's going to be somewhere awesome. I can tell by the fact that I have thus far resisted eating breakfast because it seems too normal, too obvious.  Instead of my usual green drink smoothie I just might eat frozen Indian food. Now that's living on the edge.  I remember the first time I made a ham, cheese, mayo, chocolate sauce and ranch dressing sandwich.  That was living.  Am I merely a shell of my former self?  Or was I tripping on mushrooms when I made that....can't remember...too many brain cells burned in the interim.  (Honestly I think it was just plain ol' maryjane)


I wish I knew if I was pregnant or not...it's days like this I might just throw caution to the wind and have a drink or two, smoke a joint and paint till my fingers bleed.  Alright, I'm just saying that... only like, twice ever have I started drinking this early in the day and neither time did it turn out well.  It's always when I know I'm not actually going to have an alcoholic beverage that I like to pretend I would if it weren't for such & such.  I really am not a drinker.  Now, I just might actually smoke that joint I was mentioning....worst thing that could happen as a result is I take a nap.  I suppose I've taken naps that felt like adventures.... 


I wish I had a friend here.  I would have them over and we would bust out the henna kit I got last year for my birthday and we'd paint each other up like gypsy sideshow circus performers or play doctor or........ oh, I suppose I haven't had any of those friends for a loooong time.  Alas, all the ones I have now are far away raising families with chickens in the yard and fresh bread in the oven.  Except for the ones who are still drug addicts.  I don't know what their lives look like today because they can't get their shit together to call me. 


In my youthful days it was occasions such as this that brought on the idea to pierce myself (and I'm not talking about my ears ;).  I was daring and bold and completely unfazed by pain driven by the mad desire to act out and surprise myself.  I didn't do it to rebel, my parents were so cool I didn't have anything to rebel against.  Other nights I'd experiment with wacky over-the-counter drug combinations to see what would happen.  Makes my stomach queasy thinking about it now.


What does the 30-ish me do on days when I need an adventure?  I guess we'll just have to see.  Maybe I was too hasty in dismissing breakfast....

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Just for once

Y'know, just for once I'd like to watch a show on exotic animals without being reminded that us crappy humans have put them in immanent danger.  I know that we have done terrible things to the animals and to the environment.  I think about it all the time.  I was born guilty, guilty for the racism & slavery, guilty for the environmental disasters that are largely perpetrated by rampant consumerism, guilty for the extermination of exotic animals the world over.  There have been many times throughout my life that I have been so paralyzed by guilt and sadness over the state of the world that I wondered if there was any point to live. 


And then sometimes I just want to tune it all out.  I know everything is fucked up.  Who doesn't know this?  A night like tonight I just wanted to watch a show about snow tigers.  That's all.  Yet instead of being a show about snow tigers it is a show about the efforts being made to study and save the snow tigers from extinction.  It's depressing and they won't stop berating the world for allowing this to happen, shaking their fingers at all the greedy assholes who have killed them for trophy.  Do you think those bastards give a crap that they are wiping out the tigers? No, of course not.  Duh.


Now, I'm not a simpleton, I know the reason these stances are taken and what good they can do but could we at least have some documentaries that don't make me want to slit my wrists?  Maybe put a warning on the box or something?  Damn.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Hypnotists and Bags of Tricks!

Firstly I want to wish you all a Blessed Samhain!!

It's the Witches' New Year!!!

I've made a few resolutions, same ones I've made for the last few years...I'm a work in progress, what can I say?

Moving on, I've got to give you the scoop (as promised) about the hypnotist.  It's an experience I am glad I had I guess though with a bit of research beforehand I could have made the decision to wait and saved myself some $$$.  Here's the deal, the guy came over to my house since I was still not able to walk at that point, the guys left for work at the same time he showed up, I figured it would be better this way for the least amount of distraction.  What it ended up doing was making me very uncomfortable to lay down and try to become (what I thought was) hypnotized by some stranger alone in my house.  I am a paranoid woman, there is no doubt about it.  I should have known that I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation.  It did occur to me but I talked myself around it.  Plus the damn cats were being so obnoxious, it's as though they knew we wanted them to be silent and decided to wreak havoc for cat-ly reasons.  Something about not giving a fuck about anyone but themselves.  It's their curse and their charm.  So be it.  Moving on, in closing it was a bust.  I wasn't able to fully relax and go thru the layers of meditation as needed to have a past life experience. 


Later that night I did some reading about past life regression/ hypnotism and found that it is an entirely different experience than I thought.  For one thing you are 100% aware and fully present throughout the entire process.  It is basically guided meditation.  The person wishing to have the past life experience does nearly all of the work to arrive at the said experience, it isn't something that someone else 'does to you' you do it for yourself and it's best to practice often as it is not an experience one is likely to have on the first go.  All things that would have been useful to know before I scheduled the hypnotist. 


I practiced that night with a guided mediation video and while I didn't have a past life experience I did feel the sensations that I read I 'should' experience to let me know I have reached the level of relaxation and detachment that is necessary to facilitate the full experience. This gives me hope and also spurs me on to endeavor to instill a meditation practice in my daily routine.  Wait, did I say routine?  Ha! Who am I kidding? I don't have a routine...though I've dreamt of them over the years and all the things I could get done if I had one.  One day...I haven't given up on myself just yet.