Transformation

I've been pondering how to continue to write within this blog about my life and what I'm going through without getting too heavy handed with the health stuff. I really want this to be a space where I explore my progress through my year & a day training and how it affects my life.

Problem is, my health is primarily what I'm dealing with right now and my first thought is that I've not been working so diligently on my year and a day studies these last few months and that's far more interesting.

Upon further contemplation I realized that in fact I really am doing my spiritual work. Every day. And some may say the most important kind. The mental work. As I move through this personal transformation I am changing entirely. It's not just my physical health that is going through an overhaul it's my mind, my heart and my soul as well.

When I was younger I was intrigued and inspired by the Zen philosophy and would have to point to Zen as my first touchstone for conscious thinking/living. And now I strive to incorporate my Zen philosophy with magickal thinking. I strive to curb negative thought patterns, I talk with the Goddess, I notice details about whatever it is that I'm doing- appreciating patterns, colors, textures, tastes, smells, I direct positive healing energy into my projects and seal it with a pentagram. These changes in thought have been especially helpful in the realm of housekeeping and cooking.

While I know for a fact that I function much better in a clean, well organized home I find I have a tendency to get resentful if I feel like I'm the only one working and everyone else is playing. Which is pretty much always the case at my house. And despite all of my prodding (nagging) this isn't likely to change as it's not as important to anyone else as it is to me. Plus, this is something I've been working on my attitude towards because I know it's only going to get worse once we have a baby!! (I can just hear the legions of mothers out there nodding in agreement) and I don't want to be the eternally pissy mother/wife. Ideally I want to create a loving, nurturing, inspired & magickal home that I am happy and proud to be a part of and where people genuinely enjoy themselves.

So I am alternately working on changing my negativity to positivity and learning how to let go of some things. While I prefer a well kept house it just isn't possible right now. The cost is just too high. When I don't let go my relationship with my husband suffers, my stress levels are thru the roof (which in turn affects my health), and in the end not much more gets done so I'm still behind and everyone is super pissed off all the time and I'm working my ass off. Lose-lose.

All of my life I thought I wanted to be a globe-trotting gypsy without a care, without a commitment, nothing to tie me down. I thought about what jobs would facilitate such a lifestyle and went in that direction. Bit by bit I've grown and changed and realized that I don't want to float, I've done that and I'm tired of it, that I need a solid home base and I want a family to grow with and a community to belong to. I am realizing also that crafting a home and a family is not separate from my spirituality, it is a huge part of it. All areas of my life are touched by my spirituality, even my job (which is where I need to do the most work with negativity and such).

I feel that I have been given an opportunity. To see what is important and to go for it. I've been given a diagnosis- FINALLY- and can now begin to heal my body. I've found a mentor who is willing to guide me along my year & a day training, I've got a job that has enabled me to go through all of these transformations while being financially supported, I have family and a husband who support me (in their own ways....), I am ready to shed this outer shell and become who I truly am. It's spectacularly exciting. I'm awfully impatient with myself so it often feels like I'm always pushing for more while experiencing results slowly but that's all part of the process I suppose. I'm trying to be kinder to myself also.

Each day now I'm moving closer. She's in there. The one that has only seen glimpses of manifestation. Clearer and brighter the real me is awakening and I'll never be the same.

Thank the Goddess.